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5. Bubble Wand

If you attended elementary school in the last twenty years, your school was probably visited by the Bubble Man. The Bubble Man was this wizard of all things bubble. With his magical wand he created incredible bubbles up to forty feet long. This, of course, completely mystified us third graders. We had no idea how far bubble technology had come. After the Bubble Man finished his performance, he rocked our worlds a second time: he offered to sell us kids bubble wands of our own. Apparently he had a few hundred extra and he entrusted us, and not those irresponsible little snots over at Bemiss Elementary, with the phenomenal power of the bubble wand — all for the friendly price of $15 (or $35,000 in kid money).

We took our mystical scepters of bubble home (with the $10 specialty bubble fluid) and set immediately to create bubble castles, bubble mountains and a kingdom full of bubble people who would never steal our lunch money or make fun of our collection of Alf T-shirts. But what we discovered in short order was: A) making a bubble was only achievable after an hour of jerking the wand back and forth; and B) once you got even a speck of dust on the bubble wand it would never make a bubble again. It was ruined, just like our bubble world dreams.

4. Ball and Cup

It's a ball. It's a cup. They are attached by a string. Try to put the ball in the cup. Who needs the Internet when you have fun like this?

3. The Star Wars Empty Box

No one knew how popular the movie Star Wars would be when it came out in 1977. Certainly Kenner, the maker of Star Wars toys, didn't. Kenner had no intention of creating action figures for the film, instead going with cheap toys like puzzles and other lame junk that no one would want from a film Kenner must have assumed no one would see. Turns out a few people did see the flick and those few people wanted a Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader doll. Kenner didn't have any, so they came up with this ingenious gambit: let people buy Early Bird certificates good for an action figure when they became available. This amounted to thousands of children ripping open their presents on Christmas morning to discover their parents' bought them an empty box. And that is when George Lucas introduced bottomless disappointment to his fans, a gimmick he would later perfect with the Star Wars prequels.

2. Pogo Ball

Think we had this one covered with the Pogo Stick? Not so fast. This toy combined the pointless peril of a pogo stick with the demanding nature of a dominatrix. First, the pogo ball said, you must wrap your feet around the ball, which is pretty tough because it's a round object. If you haven't knocked out your two front teeth yet, squeeze your thighs together as hard as you can in the vain hope of keeping said ball in place. Now hop up and down a couple inches and try to remain balanced (oh, pogo stick, how you are looking better and better!).

1. Elmo Knows Your Name

What can't Elmo do? You tickle him and he laughs. You wrong him, he'll cut you. Did you forget Elmo grew up on the street? Yes, I do mean Sesame.

One imagines the people at Fisher Price didn't mean to create a murderous toy based on a beloved children's icon. But I didn't mean for the park security guard to see me burying a hobo in a shallow grave the other night. These things just happen.

Originally the Elmo Knows Your Name toy was meant to learn your child's name and regurgitate it back at the child in pat phrases like "Elmo loves you, Fabian." For my money, you could have stopped right there. I have been looking forever for a robot to love my children in a way I am way too busy to. But unfortunately it doesn't end there. A woman in Florida caught her son's Elmo spouting this T-shirt ready catchphrase: "Kill James."

Yes, James is her son's name.

The Elmo doll started saying "Kill James" right after a battery switch. Maybe next time James' mother won't buy batteries from the Radio Shack of the Damned. At the very least, she could buy batteries from the Dollar Store of the Damned. Sure, they still possess your kid's toys, but they don't last very long.

Parents should have known this was a malicious toy just by the Name. Elmo Knows Your Name. When does it sound anything less than menacing when someone tells you they know your name? Here, let me try it:

I know your name.

See? Creepy. Especially if you imagine me saying that from a dark alley, and I have a huge scar running the entire length of my face, and I am wearing clown makeup, and I have a screwdriver in one hand and a cat in the other.  And I am wearing nothing but a giant diaper. You get the point, and yet it's still way creepier when a stuffed Elmo doll says it.

This list is far from complete.  What do you think is the worst toy ever?

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