Few things provoke as much anxiety as the realization that you are responsible for teaching another human being right from wrong. If you care enough to be reading this, you probably don't want your child to be the brat howling for ice cream in the grocery aisle, but you also don't want to raise a meek automaton whose sole reason for obeying authority is fear of punishment. The Christian Parents child-rearing primer accuses Dr. Spock of spoiling an entire generation of Americans with his council to spare the rod; they cite a few Bible verses as proof. On the other end of the spectrum, Dr. Sears claims that connection is key and that a "time out" may be too harsh and incomprehensible a punishment for a small child. The skeptic might wonder if Dr. Sears' assertion that staying "connected" to your child through attachment parenting is really going to cut it at more trying times. Yet most sense what Dr. Spock points out: meting out heavy punishment to a child whose understanding of right and wrong is yet unformed by social convention is not only mean but often unproductive. How to discipline a child without furnishing her with lifelong scars and traumatic horror stories to bring to the therapist is an age-old question. Here are some voices in the debate.
CON: Dr. Sears "Top Ten Discipline Principles"
[Teach your child] a method of releasing himself from an activity without resorting to a tantrum. That's what discipline is all about. Realizing how much better discipline worked when we considered our children's needs in our decisions was a major turning point for us. Initially, we had to work through the fear that we were letting our children manipulate us, because we had read, heard from others, and grown up with the idea that good parents are always in control. We found, however, that considering our child's point of view actually helped us take charge of them. Knowing our children became the key to knowing how to discipline them. They knew we were in charge because we were able to help them obey. That left no doubt in their minds or ours that Mom and Dad knew best.
Top Ten Discipline Principles
1. Get Connected Early,
Discipline is grounded on a healthy relationship between parent and child.
2. Know Your Child
Your discipline techniques will be different at each stage because your child's needs change. A temper tantrum in a two-year-old calls for a different response than it does in an eight-year-old.
Many conflicts arise when parents expect children to think and behave like adults. You need to know what behavior is usual for a child at each stage of development in order to recognize true misbehavior. We find discipline to be much easier with our eighth child than it was with our first child, mainly because we now have a handle on which behaviors call for instruction, patience, and humor, and which demand a firm, corrective response. We tolerate those things that go along with a child's age and stage (for example, most two-year-olds can't sit still very long in a restaurant), but we correct behavior that is disrespectful or dangerous to the child or to others ("You may not climb on the table").
3. Help The Child To Respect Authority
First, get connected to your child. Start as a nurturer, a baby comforter. In so doing, you get to know your baby and your baby trusts you. Respect for authority is based on trust. Once your child trusts you to meet her needs, she will trust you to set her limits.
4. Set Limits, Provide Structure
Establish rules, but at the same time create conditions that make the rules easier to follow. Children need boundaries. They won't thrive or survive without limits; neither will their parents.
5. Expect Obedience
Your child will be as obedient as you expect, or as defiant as you allow. [...] With a combination of creative distraction and respectful restraint, the parent [conveys] to the child that he [is] expected to refrain from [disruptive behavior].
Abusive control is when you forcibly impose your will upon your child, expecting him to obey, but to the detriment of your relationship. When you insist on obedience and help the child to get control of himself, you are using your power over the child in a good way that helps him develop inner controls. Remember, children want limits so that they don't feel out of control, and they want parents to stand by those limits. They keep testing the limits to see if you will uphold them. When you don't, the child feels anxious that no one is strong enough to contain him. To a child, that is scary.
6. Model Discipline
A model is an example your child imitates. The mind of a growing child is a sponge, soaking up life's experiences; it's a video camera capturing everything a child hears and sees, storing these images in a mental vault for later retrieval. These stored images, especially those frequently repeated by significant persons in the child's life, become part of his personality--the child's self. So, one of your jobs as parents is to provide good material for your child to absorb.
7. Nurture Your Child's Self-Confidence
The growing person with a positive self-image is easier to discipline. She thinks of herself as a worthwhile person, and so she behaves in a worthwhile way. She is able to forgo some willful misbehavior to maintain this feeling of well-being. When this child does misbehave, she returns more quickly to the right path, with less need for punishment.
8. Shape Your Child's Behavior
Most shaping of a child's behavior is a when-then reaction. (When Billy's room is a mess, Mom says "No more playing outside until it's cleaned up.") Eventually, the child internalizes these shapers, developing his own inner systems of when-then, and in so doing learns to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. ("When my room is a mess, it's no fun to play there, so I better clean it up.") He learns to shape his own behavior.
9. Raise Kids Who Care
Being a moral child includes being responsible, developing a conscience, and being sensitive toward the needs and rights of others. A moral child has an inner code of right and wrong that is linked to his inner sense of well-being. Children learn empathy from people who treat them empathetically. One of the best ways to turn out good citizens is to raise sensitive children.
10. Talk and Listen
Communicate with your child so she doesn't become parent deaf. The best authority figures specialize in communication with children. Oftentimes rephrasing the same directive in a more child-considered way makes the difference in whether a child obeys or defies you. Besides learning how to talk to a child, it is equally important to learn how to listen. Nothing wins over a child (or adult) more than conveying that you value her viewpoint.
Each of these discipline points depends on the others. It's hard to be an authority figure, a good model, a behavior shaper and obedience teacher if you and your child aren't connected and you don't know your child. You may know the psychological principles of behavioral shaping, but shapers won't work if you can't communicate with your child. And even a connected relationship doesn't guarantee disciplined children if you fail to convey your expectation that your child obey you. These ten interdependent building blocks form the foundation of the approach to discipline on our site. Put them all together, and you have a blueprint for raising children who are a joy to be with now and who will make you proud in the future.
CON: BabyCenter® "What's the Best Way to Discipline a Toddler?"Think of discipline as a form of teaching, not a form of punishment. Your child needs to learn how to get along with others and stay safe. He's an eager student, but the most important lessons — sharing, patience, cooperation, caution — will take a few years to sink in. As his main teacher, it's your job to reinforce the lessons with consistency, patience, and compassion.
Time-outs can be helpful, but few children understand the concept until they're at least 3 years old. For a younger child, time-outs are confusing and frustrating. If your child is old enough to understand time-outs, use them sparingly and limit them to three minutes or less — just long enough for your child to get control of himself. Put him in a "naughty chair" instead of sending him to his room — you don't want him to associate his room with punishment. Consider sitting with him. He'll probably calm down faster, and you could use the break, too.
No matter how badly your child is behaving, hitting shouldn't be an option. Spanks and slaps teach children to be afraid of their parents. And even though you would never intend to hurt your child, it's easy to lose control when you're angry. If you feel like hitting your child, give yourself a time-out until the feeling passes.
Discipline doesn't always have to be negative. Praise your child when you "catch" him being good, like sharing a toy with a friend or picking up a mess. He'll learn that he doesn't have to misbehave to get your attention.
Finally, make it as easy as possible for your child to do the right thing. Try to avoid putting him in situations he can't handle. For example, don't take him on long shopping trips when he's tired and hungry. And don't surround him with things he's not allowed to touch. If his world is cluttered with temptations, you'll spend all day saying "no." Try to maximize his opportunities to play and explore but minimize his chances to get into trouble.
CON: Dr. Spock "What Spanking Accomplishes"Most — but not all — pediatricians and psychologists agree that spanking is not a desirable or particularly effective form of discipline. For example, the American Academy of Pediatrics' official policy says, in part:
"Despite its common acceptance, spanking is a less effective strategy than timeout or removal of privileges for reducing undesired behavior in children. Although spanking may immediately reduce or stop an undesired behavior, its effectiveness decreases with subsequent use. The only way to maintain the initial effect of spanking is to systematically increase the intensity with which it is delivered, which can quickly escalate into abuse. Thus, at best, spanking is only effective when used in selective infrequent situations."
Certainly, many perfectly healthy, well-adjusted people were spanked as children. It also seems clear that many children who are never spanked grow up fine as well. The research does not show a huge effect of spanking by itself.
The much more important issues are whether discipline is effective and whether the parent-child relationship is a healthy one. That said, we would agree with the Academy of Pediatrics in advising against spanking for several reasons:
Reasons to avoid physical punishment
[...] Suppose instead that you give your child a spanking. Afterward, he is more likely to feel resentful and angry at you. In the future, when tempted, his only thought will be to avoid being caught. If the spanking is hard enough, he might also feel afraid of you. None of these feelings will help him, in the long run, be the kind of person you want him to be.
What spanking really teaches
Spanking teaches children that the larger, stronger person has the power to get his way, whether or not he is in the right. [...]
Physical force vs. reasoning
When an executive in an office or a foreman in a shop is dissatisfied with the work of an employee, he doesn't rush in shouting and whack him on the seat of his pants. He explains in a respectful manner what he would like, and in most cases this is enough. Children are not that different in their wish to be responsible and to please. They react well to praise and high expectations. [...]
To spank or not to spank?
The question of how to discipline is not as simple as that. And neither is the answer. Some professionals get involved in arguments centered on spanking, and usually nothing useful comes of it. You know your child needs to be disciplined. So what do you do?
First, set limits. Even the youngest child needs to know what is and is not allowed. Children need to know what you expect of them, and what the consequences are when they disobey.
Second, be consistent. Children get confused when one day you enforce a rule, but the next day you ignore their behavior. [...] Be clear about the consequences, too. They need to know that they will always get whatever discipline you have set.
Third, show respect for authority. Teach your child to be respectful of people who are in authority. That means they respect you, their friends' parents, and others.
When do I begin to discipline?
Experts say that setting limits begins when the child is able to crawl. Spanking a baby's hand when he reaches for something breakable may not work when he is younger than 9 or 10 months. If your child's curious about his world, it's best to simply remove some of the more dangerous or fragile objects within his reach. Then you should remove him from a harmful situation or distract him with something else. Gradual, consistent limits begin in the early toddler days and continue until your child graduates from college! Discipline issues for older children, including school discipline, can be found by clicking here.
What kind of discipline?
Some professionals say spanking causes a child to be angry. Others say a quick spank might reinforce the idea that what they did was wrong and must not be done again. Whatever the punishment, your child needs you to be consistent and loving. The worst punishment you can inflict would:
- cause physical harm (a beating)
- hurt the child mentally (ignoring or name-calling)
I want to talk about the physical disciplining a child through parental authority. Now, if today's secular humanists are right, any form of hitting a child for any reason is wrong and an unlawful form of child abuse. Admittedly, a small portion of what some parents call spanking may actually be physical abuse that needs to be stopped and prevented from being carried out. But today I fear we have over-reacted to this abuse syndrome, and because of a deeper reason, many have rejected the age-old method of training children that has not only worked rightly, but is divinely approved by God Himself.
[...] Witness today, the almost limitless number of young adults who have grown up under the teachings of Dr. Benjamin Spock, who for a generation past taught parents that a child must never be physically disciplined for any reason. Yes, a whole generation has since arisen by these anti-Christian humanistic teachings, to the detriment of society. [...]
Source: transcription of broadcast by Dennis L. Finnan