The Misanthrope
My nemesis: Maisy Mouse.
by Shalom Auslander
December 11, 2006
Time? Not an issue. Money? No problem yet. The tough part of parenting? The really, really tough part?
"What a nice present from Grandma!"
"Can you say Dora? Daw-ruh! She's an explorer! Do you want to be an explorer?"
"What a pretty balloon! Can you say thank you to Doctor O'Connor?"
Suddenly I'm Mr. Rourke at the opening of Fantasy Island — Smiles, everyone, smiles!
Tough, tough stuff.
"Bookie," says my son.
He has returned from his book box with Old Hat, New Hat, a Berenstain Bears book that, frankly, encourages classism and neglect for the workingman under the guise of non-materialism. Sure, the Bear comes to realize that his old hat was better than a new hat, but he's also wasted the poor hat shop owner's entire business day, and there's never a thought for that poor schmuck. The man mobilizes every member of his sales staff, brings out every goddamn hat in his inventory — hell, at one point he needs a wheelbarrow to bring out enough hats to satisfy this spoiled little shit — and I'm supposed to be impressed that Berenstain Junior walks out at the end of the story without buying anything? Hooray for him? Maybe if he weren't the wealthy son of a famous children's book family he would understand that some people have to work for a living. That you don't get to just stroll around wasting people's time because you need to learn a lesson about hats, okay? You know what? You know what? Fuck you, Berenstain, all right? Fuck all of . . .
"Hat," says my son, pointing to the book.
"Hat," I say. "That's right. Is that a shiny hat?"
"Shy-nee."
"It's a very shiny hat! What is that? Is that a bear?"
He holds up his hands like bear claws and roars. I hug him tightly and kiss his neck. He leans back against my chest and hands me another book.
"More," he says. "May-shee."
"Okay," I say. Maisy Goes For A Drive.
He leans forward and kisses Maisy again.
"Aww," I say. "That's so nice, Buddy! Is that her friend Tallulah? Can you give Tallulah a kiss?"
Tough stuff. Tough, tough stuff.
©2006 Shalom Auslander and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Shalom Auslander is the author of the story collection Beware of God. His work has appeared in Esquire, Nerve, and The New York Times, and on National Public Radio's This American Life. Foreskin's Lament, a work of non-fiction, will be published in 2007 |
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