"There has been a sea change in how single moms are viewed," says Louise Sloan, author of the book Knock Yourself Up: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom, herself a single mom by choice. Whereas social stigma may have dissuaded women even a decade ago, such censure is increasingly uncommon today. While it is generally agreed that divorce, as well as an unhappy marriage, can damage a child's sense of well-being, a 1997 study conducted by Cornell University found little or no evidence of negative academic or behavior effects on the children of single moms. With donor insemination easier than ever and Generation X devastated by their own parents' unhappy marriages, the trend towards single parenthood will most likely continue to increase in the future.
Beth Saidel, a university administrator, never dreamed of becoming a single mother. "When I was younger," she says, "I did not think I would have to choose between being a mother or having a partner." When, at forty-four, she found herself dating a man who didn't want kids, she went through an intense period of self-evaluation, deciding that having a child was more important to her than being with a man. She was told her chances of conceiving were slim because of her advanced age (conception becomes much harder after forty) and other health issues. Undeterred, she was successfully inseminated on her first try. Nine months later she gave birth to her son, Oliver.
"It takes a college to raise a child," was the toast raised to Beth by her colleagues at Barnard University. Fortunately for their little family, the university provides exceptional daycare and flexible hours for working parents, and Oliver is welcome in this progressive work environment. In addition, Beth lives in a large apartment complex in the Chelsea neighborhood in Manhattan, which has a great community vibe. "The truth is, I have tremendous support in my life," says Beth, who continues to lead an active social life, albeit one with toddler in tow.
It had never occurred to Kimberly Forrest to get married or have children until she turned forty, when she started to feel a stirring for the sort of intimacy and fulfillment she noticed in parent-child relationships. A writer living in a tiny apartment in the West Village with a stray pit bull mix named Fanny and a bevy of"I never considered not having this baby," explains Kimberly. Nor did she consider matrimony. friends and interests, she explains, "It wasn't so much that my life felt empty, quite the opposite, but I started seriously considering that I might want more." Then, two weeks after her forty-first birthday, and five months after she had begun dating her personal trainer, she discovered she was pregnant. "I never considered not having this baby," explains Kimberly, currently nearing the end of her pregnancy. Nor did she consider matrimony. "Getting married, at this point, would feel desperate. Honestly, I wouldn't want to bring my daughter into that sort of arrangement."
"Of course, I'm scared," says Kimberly, "But I feel like I have a lot of support." While Kimberly is carrying the brunt of pregnancy and hospital costs (she was uninsured at the time of conception), Luis, the baby's father, is attending childbirth and parenting classes, and plans on being involved in his daughter's life, both financially and emotionally. Her friends are pitching in, coming to OB/GYN appointments, throwing her a baby shower, and planning on coordinated daily visits once the baby is born. Luis's mother has been organizing a second baby shower for the couple. Even Kimberly's own parents, whose conservative Christian values don't exactly jibe with the idea of a single woman raising a child on her own, are pitching in. And while her apartment is a tiny walk-up, leaving the city is not an option. "This neighborhood is where my people are, where I have all my support, my friends and my neighbors. I'd rather die than move to the suburbs." Besides, Clare, Kimberly's elderly next door neighbor, would be crushed if the new mom and baby left the building.
