We're not supposed to think about personality in a negative way. Yet I can't help it. It doesn't take much in the way of analytical skills to realize INTPs are not the most natural nurturers. If you prize rational discourse, little ones, even your own, are probably not your favorite conversational companions.
According to Penley's book, we INTPs do have our strengths as mothers. We're great at answering young children's "why" questions — the non-stop queries that tend to send other parental types to bedlam and back. We tend to view mistakes as learning experiences. But our downsides are significant, no matter what she says, starting with a tendency to detach and retreat physically and emotionally from family life when the noise and chaos becomes too much. Nonetheless, we are often recalled by our children as exceptionally calm parents and tolerant moms. We INTPs are often recalled by our children as exceptionally calm parents.
As I am reading Penley's book, a skirmish over the television in the next room is rapidly escalating into a full-fledged battle. "SpongeBob!" shrieks Jake. Luke hops off the couch and topples a child-sized wheelbarrow, sending Mega Bloks flying while repeating at the top of his very loud voice, "Sesame Street!" He knocks over his toy kitchen for emphasis. "Stop it," I scream after a moment of trying to placate them goes nowhere. "Noggin or nothing!"
"No fair," yells Jake. "We're always watching Luke shows!"
"Turn the volume down now or I'm turning off the TV," I respond, loudly. "For a week!"
More shrieks. I get them settled — finally — and dash back to my study to consult Penley's book again, which says INTP mothers — like moms in general — need downtime. Otherwise, the demands of motherhood might get to be too much. A mother I know refers to this moment as the "Getting the heck out of there before I slug somebody" moment. For now I cling to Penley's terminology. I don't need to deal with my boys current dispute at all, I tell myself. I need some downtime. I stroll into my bedroom and read a book, deliberately ignoring Penley's cautionary note that INTP moms find children's noise so exhausting, they sometimes check-out both emotionally and physically.
Ten minutes later, I reappear. SpongeBob is back on but Luke is playing with a truck and the only voice in the room is coming from a manic, underwater spore. I know my authority has been flouted, but I decide to let it go. I'd like to be remembered as a calm mother.
At my next group meeting, the discussion turns to marital relations. Almost all the women report conflict with their spouses over childrearing issues, and I am no different. Messy vs. neat is a popular one. For example, my husband and I routinely battle over bath time. In his view, children need to be scrubbed in the tub, and they shouldn't have time to make much of a flood. I, on the other hand, will let them splash for an hour, then throw down a few towels to clean up (see, we INTPs are tolerant). My husband is an INFJ. We're the Myers-Briggs equivalent of an interracial couple.
My husband, I decide, is a classic INFJ — a Feeler and Judger concerned about the feelings of others and comfortable following schedules and imposing structure. On bad days, I've been known to call him anal-retentive, but now I know the truth. We're the Myers-Briggs equivalent of an interracial couple.
There is only one thing to be done. I decide that we need to incorporate our personality differences into childrearing. Sitting in Campbell's living room, I suddenly realize I am snapping at the children at bath time because I don't want to argue with my husband. New rule: whoever is in charge of the bath that night gets to make the decisions.
©2007 Helaine Olen and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Helaine Olen's writing has been published by The New York
Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Salon.com, AlterNet.org and
LiteraryMama.com, where she is an associate editor. Her first book, Office
Mate: The Guide to Finding True Love on the Job will be published this fall. She
lives in Hastings-on-Hudson, New York. |
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