The War on "No"
Is "child-centered" parenting producing a generation of brats?
by Kathi Alexander
November 26, 2007
Child development expert David Walsh, PhD, president and founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family and author of "No," Why Kids — of all ages — need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It suggests that primary among the reasons parents are not saying "no" to their children is their fundamental misunderstanding of the concept of self-esteem. Walsh poses a chicken or egg scenario: in the developing child, which comes first: self-esteem or success? He and other experts are sounding the alarm that parents are mistakenly pumping up their kids' sense of self worth through what Dr. Walsh calls "feel-good chatter," rather than by providing kids with the varied experiences they will need to actually achieve (not just feel) success.
He asserts that real self-esteem (that is, a genuine sense of positive self regard) comes from children's experience of success via a sense of competency and accomplishment, not the reverse. He clarifies that, contrary to what many of us have come to believe, healthy self-esteem does not mean that kids will (or should) feel good all of the time. If we are intent on providing our children with real self-esteem, we need to help them discover they have the internal resources to manage the negative feelings associated with the obstacles commonly encountered on the road to success: adversity, disappointment and failure.
Dr. Walsh also points to the powerful advertising and media messages children receive starting from their toddler years and continuing throughout their youth. Stating that we now live in a "yes culture," he suggests that parents are finding it difficult to fight against the cultural messages that define normal behavior (for adults as well as children) as that which includes unlimited material gain and instant gratification.
What does a child lose when a parent cannot set limits? Across the board, What does a child lose when a parent cannot set limits?those who make a living helping children and their families emphatically warn that when parents create a household where the children cannot rely on them to say "no," or to set clear limits, the children lose a sense of safety, a sense of organization about the world around them, and the ability to experience and integrate the basic life lessons necessary for them to evolve into well-developed and mature adults.
What this child too often gains when parents indulge and overprotect, unfortunately for him and those around him, is a profound sense of entitlement, a disregard for the needs of others, and an inability to put forth the genuine effort needed to develop — academically, socially, and emotionally.
So, want your child to grow into a thoughtful, loving, creative person who will possess the following virtues: resilience, generosity, curiosity, consideration for others, respect and perserverance? Madeline Levine reminds us that if our children are to learn these things, they will need more than just our love and good intentions. They will also need us to provide some amount of discipline and control, to set clear expectations to which we will hold them accountable, and to give them the room they need to learn to cope with challenges without our constant intervention. Good advice, no?
©2007 Kathryn J. Alexander and Nerve Media
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