[Teach your child] a method of releasing himself from an activity without resorting to a tantrum. That's what discipline is all about. Realizing how much better discipline worked when we considered our children's needs in our decisions was a major turning point for us. Initially, we had to work through the fear that we were letting our children manipulate us, because we had read, heard from others, and grown up with the idea that good parents are always in control. We found, however, that considering our child's point of view actually helped us take charge of them. Knowing our children became the key to knowing how to discipline them. They knew we were in charge because we were able to help them obey. That left no doubt in their minds or ours that Mom and Dad knew best.
Top Ten Discipline Principles
1. Get Connected Early,
Discipline is grounded on a healthy relationship between parent and child.
2. Know Your Child
Your discipline techniques will be different at each stage because your child's needs change. A temper tantrum in a two-year-old calls for a different response than it does in an eight-year-old.
Many conflicts arise when parents expect children to think and behave like adults. You need to know what behavior is usual for a child at each stage of development in order to recognize true misbehavior. We find discipline to be much easier with our eighth child than it was with our first child, mainly because we now have a handle on which behaviors call for instruction, patience, and humor, and which demand a firm, corrective response. We tolerate those things that go along with a child's age and stage (for example, most two-year-olds can't sit still very long in a restaurant), but we correct behavior that is disrespectful or dangerous to the child or to others ("You may not climb on the table").
3. Help The Child To Respect Authority
First, get connected to your child. Start as a nurturer, a baby comforter. In so doing, you get to know your baby and your baby trusts you. Respect for authority is based on trust. Once your child trusts you to meet her needs, she will trust you to set her limits.
4. Set Limits, Provide Structure
Establish rules, but at the same time create conditions that make the rules easier to follow. Children need boundaries. They won't thrive or survive without limits; neither will their parents.
5. Expect Obedience
Your child will be as obedient as you expect, or as defiant as you allow. [...] With a combination of creative distraction and respectful restraint, the parent [conveys] to the child that he [is] expected to refrain from [disruptive behavior].
Abusive control is when you forcibly impose your will upon your child, expecting him to obey, but to the detriment of your relationship. When you insist on obedience and help the child to get control of himself, you are using your power over the child in a good way that helps him develop inner controls. Remember, children want limits so that they don't feel out of control, and they want parents to stand by those limits. They keep testing the limits to see if you will uphold them. When you don't, the child feels anxious that no one is strong enough to contain him. To a child, that is scary.
6. Model Discipline
A model is an example your child imitates. The mind of a growing child is a sponge, soaking up life's experiences; it's a video camera capturing everything a child hears and sees, storing these images in a mental vault for later retrieval. These stored images, especially those frequently repeated by significant persons in the child's life, become part of his personality--the child's self. So, one of your jobs as parents is to provide good material for your child to absorb.
7. Nurture Your Child's Self-Confidence
The growing person with a positive self-image is easier to discipline. She thinks of herself as a worthwhile person, and so she behaves in a worthwhile way. She is able to forgo some willful misbehavior to maintain this feeling of well-being. When this child does misbehave, she returns more quickly to the right path, with less need for punishment.
8. Shape Your Child's Behavior
Most shaping of a child's behavior is a when-then reaction. (When Billy's room is a mess, Mom says "No more playing outside until it's cleaned up.") Eventually, the child internalizes these shapers, developing his own inner systems of when-then, and in so doing learns to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. ("When my room is a mess, it's no fun to play there, so I better clean it up.") He learns to shape his own behavior.
9. Raise Kids Who Care
Being a moral child includes being responsible, developing a conscience, and being sensitive toward the needs and rights of others. A moral child has an inner code of right and wrong that is linked to his inner sense of well-being. Children learn empathy from people who treat them empathetically. One of the best ways to turn out good citizens is to raise sensitive children.
10. Talk and Listen
Communicate with your child so she doesn't become parent deaf. The best authority figures specialize in communication with children. Oftentimes rephrasing the same directive in a more child-considered way makes the difference in whether a child obeys or defies you. Besides learning how to talk to a child, it is equally important to learn how to listen. Nothing wins over a child (or adult) more than conveying that you value her viewpoint.
Each of these discipline points depends on the others. It's hard to be an authority figure, a good model, a behavior shaper and obedience teacher if you and your child aren't connected and you don't know your child. You may know the psychological principles of behavioral shaping, but shapers won't work if you can't communicate with your child. And even a connected relationship doesn't guarantee disciplined children if you fail to convey your expectation that your child obey you. These ten interdependent building blocks form the foundation of the approach to discipline on our site. Put them all together, and you have a blueprint for raising children who are a joy to be with now and who will make you proud in the future.
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