Parental Advisory 8
What's the etiquette for fancy hand-me-downs?
by Rebecca Odes & Ceridwen Morris
January 30, 2007
I have been loaned a bunch of baby clothes by friends whose babies have outgrown them. But I'm afraid to use them because they're so nice! What if they get stained? My baby has been known to spit up a lot. And there is no telling whether these people will have more babies and want their clothes back. Will they be mad if they're ruined? Is there etiquette about this sort of thing? — The Loan Danger
Dear Loan Danger,
Anyone who's had a college roommate return their irreplaceable vintage cardigan encrusted with vomit between the bugle beads knows that lending out clothes is throwing caution to the wind. And babies are (probably) even more likely to wreck an outfit than a freshman with a nonexistent alcohol tolerance. One can assume that having had babies, these people are aware of their tendency to spew from all ends. It's more than likely that your friends aren't overly attached to these clothes, or they wouldn't have let them out of their own archives. But we do empathize with your hesitation to let a borrowed cashmere sweater dangle so close to those nozzles.
If you're worried, ask. Take extra precautions; wear a bib during (and just after) feeding times, and double-check diaper edges. And if you do happen to have an explosion while wearing a borrowed outfit, don't stress out too much. Give it your best shot at clean-up and read the tags for washing instructions. Apologize when you give the stuff back, unless the incident was serious enough to render the garment unwearable. In that case, a prompt confession is the most honorable path.
Do you have any words of wisdom on dealing with a power struggle between parents? I have been home pretty much full-time with my eleven-month-old son since his birth. Recently I went out of town for about four days and my husband took over full-time care. Since I have been back, he has become the foremost authority on pretty much everything regarding my son: when he should eat, what changes should be made to the bedtime routine, etc. On one hand, it's great to have new perspectives. Many of the things he suggested are working. But on the other hand, I guess I resent his sudden, complete authority. Any suggestions for how I can take the high road and stop feeling so sensitive? — Feeling a Bit Criticized
Dear Feeling a Bit Criticized,
While it's totally understandable that your husband's newfound "expertise" might be very annoying to somebody who's been doing the most of the grunt work for nearly a year, there's one thing you should keep in mind; your husband has just had his first full immersion parenting experience. He's tasted the all the anxiety, boredom, exhaustion — as well as the intense love and delight — that comes with having so much of a baby's well-being directly on your shoulders. You're used to the myriad feelings, but he's not, and maybe he's being overprotective of them, or trying to sustain the sense of accomplishment he acquired in your absence. He might even feel slightly threatened by your return, and his return, in the baby's eyes, to his usual role of "guy over there in corner drawing mommy's attention away."
That said, you don't have to remain sensitive to his plight for long. And you probably won't have to — we're guessing this power surge is temporary. Let him revel in his newfound confidence in his childcare skills, for it is certainly a benefit to everybody, but, if anything, his experience should have given him a profound respect for what you've been doing all along. As far as authority goes, you've earned it, and he still has a way to travel. Speaking of travel, if you're sensing that he's really not getting it, then you might tell him that he's doing such a great job that next month you'll be taking a week long vacation with friends, and you're so happy you won't have to worry about the baby while you're gone.
Should we buy breast milk at $3 an ounce from a milk bank? And, if so, for how long? We're adopting a baby soon and we can't breastfeed because we're both men. But I keep hearing about all the horrors of stupid, obese kids raised on formula! — Can I Bank On It
Dear Can I Bank On It,
Yes, the virtues of breast milk are many. But $3 an ounce is a small fortune. If your baby has special needs of some sort — pre-maturity, digestive issues, a family history of serious allergies, you may want to consider banked milk, as breast milk is considered particularly helpful in these situations. You can also ask a pediatrician what conditions would make banked milk most valuable. Otherwise, it's a matter of money. If you're rolling in dough, you might want to buy milk for a while, just because you can. In these cases, you can start the baby out on breast milk and slowly phase in formula.
But the last thing you want to do is focus on the inferiority of formula. Pressure to feed nothing but nature's finest can lead to some serious perfect-parent anxiety — exactly what you do not need the first months out of the gate! Well-intentioned zealousness about breastfeeding can give you some intimidating information — i.e., that breast milk will make your kid smarter (this has been proven untrue). When it comes to obesity and health, there are many other factors. As was explained in a recent Babble dispatch, it's hard to know if breastfeeding is the direct cause of these advantages, or just part of a bigger picture of life with parents who are making educated choices. This is not to say breast milk isn't great — there's no question that it is. Breast milk is a living substance that cannot be fully mimicked by formula. But that doesn't mean formula isn't an excellent and safe alternative, especially for parents who don't have lactating breasts. Coming to terms with formula now — even if you do feed some quantity of expensive human milk — is the best thing you can do for your baby and your family.
Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com
©2007 Rebecca Odes & Ceridwen Morris and Nerve Media
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