Bad Parent: Let's Make a Deal
I bribe my kids to do everything.
by Keri Fisher
April 3, 2008
But how does a rebellious two-year-old learn his "natural duty"? It's certainly not innate, like nursing. If kids followed their innate tendencies, we'd all snatch and bite and wallow in our filth. It's our responsibility as parents to instill that duty, that desire to be good and to succeed. The question is: How do we do it? Is forcing a child to clean his plate any better than bribing a child to do the same? Does the former even work?
I was a skinny kid like Declan, but my mother never bribed me to eat my food. "My attitude was that I'm the parent, you and [your sister] were the kids, and you should do what I want you to do," my mom explains. "When a child won't do something unless he gets a reward, who's in charge?"
I don't agree with my mother's implication that Declan's in charge, but it's true that he has choices. I just set the boundaries, and that seems to work. Experts agree that young children need some degree of control in their lives, since so many aspects of their lives are completely out of their control.
Is forcing a child to clean his plate any better than bribing a child to do the same?
They advise letting children make small decisions that, to them, mean a lot. Declan can choose to eat his green beans or not. If he does make the choice to eat them, he gets some yummy ice cream. If he chooses not to eat them, he gets squat. In the end, he's the one making the decision, not me.
And I hope that, over time, he'll internalize his "natural duty" and won't need a cupcake, or a hermit crab, or a board book, to get him to do the things I expect him to do. At some point, I tell myself, the joy Declan gets from cleaning his room or acing a test or completing a math workbook will come from the pride of having done something well, rather than a Webkinz or licorice reward.
Okay, you can stop laughing now.
Photo: Angela Calderon
©2008 Keri Fischer and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Keri Fisher has written for Saveur, Gastronomica, Cook's
Illustrated, and Boston Magazine, and is the author of One Cake, One
Hundred Desserts (William Morrow 2006). She and her sister blog about their communal household at whoelsewantstoliveinmyhouse.com. |
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