Grandmother's Lament
I used to be in charge. Then my son had a baby.
by Barbara Graham
May 8, 2009
It's a muggy August evening and we're just finishing dinner at a rented beach house. Our group consists of my husband and myself, my son and his wife — and the object of everyone's breathless attention, a three-week-old baby girl. Their first child, our first grandchild. We're all as lovesick and swoony as a pack of teenage girls.
Our primary activity during the week away could be called pass the baby. Except for a few hours at night when, miraculously, everyone in the house is asleep at the same time, she is constantly cradled.
"I think we hold our daughter more than any baby outside of Bali," my daughter-in-law jokes. In Bali, as in many traditional cultures, babies are held 24/7 by a rotation of grandmothers, aunts, cousins and siblings, in addition to the new parents. My son and daughter-in-law witnessed this firsthand during the few months they spent there; clearly they were impressed.
Although I spent hours rocking and holding my son — and only child — I put him down to sleep in his crib. That was what we did back in the 1970s. Still, my granddaughter is irresistible, and I too am swept up by the feverish desire to cuddle her every chance I get.
So I don't think twice when, after cleaning up the kitchen the first night, I ask my son if I can take a turn with our prize bundle.
"I'm holding her now," he says, gripping her to his chest. "She's my daughter."
A small moment, really — insignificant in the scheme of things. But a wake-up call for me.
No matter how much we love the new baby, grandparents are back-up.
Sometimes this works, other times not so much. I have been a grandmother for three weeks, yet I'm still shaky on protocol. What do my son and daughter-in-law want from me? How involved do I want to be? How involved can I be, considering that I work and lead a busy life? What's more, I wonder if the new parents are interested in advice and wisdom gleaned from my years of childrearing — or would that be too threatening? And this: As the mother of the father, am I expected to take a back seat to the maternal grandmother?— a situation that strikes me as awful but common among many of my grandmother friends. Mostly, I feel as if I'm stumbling blind, trying to figure out the new rules without being overly pushy and intrusive.
The one thing I know for sure is that I love my granddaughter fiercely and I will do almost anything to be near her. I apologize to my son for having crossed the line by asking to hold her when she was nestled contentedly in his arms. I won't make the same blunder again.
Interestingly, though, twenty minutes after he told me to back off, my son and his wife decide that they'd like to sit outside and enjoy a glass of wine. "Do you mind holding her?" he asks.
"Oh. Okay, sure," I say, trying to sound casual.
Aha! I realize. So this is how it works. No matter how much we love the new baby, no matter how deep the feelings run when our child has a child of his own, grandparents are back-up, part of a support team of secondary players — sort of like relief pitchers in baseball who sit on the bench until the coach sends them into the game.
Still, when you've been a parent as long as I have — even after your children are grown — the habit of taking charge is so ingrained, so conditioned (for good reason, when children are young), it takes considerable time and mindfulness — and inevitable missteps — to let go of the control reflex when a grandchild comes along. (Sometimes, you even forget that this new one is actually not your baby.)
Yet, let go I must. I must also stop offering unsolicited opinions and suggestions. Coming from me, a comment such as, "It's kind of chilly. Don't you think the baby could use a blanket?" is not necessarily helpful, even when it's freezing and the baby is turning blue.
©2009 Barabara Graham and Babble Media
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