feedback for "He Sees Dead People"
-
Keck writes that he doesn't really want to invite any more condemnation into his life -- this is certainly a statement many parents might relate to. Yet he also writes that he allows his six-year-old son to watch Scream, a move contextualized here as, you know, "alright" because Keck watches with him. And, wait for it . . ."Plus, I would never allow him to watch something like Saw." The unmatchable parental standards at work here, my god. Condemn him? Somebody get this guy a medal -- at least he's not telling yet another tale about his children finding his drug paraphernalia. It seems they're too busy watching horror movies - but not Saw. No way, man.
posted by : give us all a break on 10/27/2008 at 2:09 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I'm sure the babble hoards will predictably descend upon Keck and tell him what a rotten father he is.
While I probably would not let me kid watch those movies, I can tell you that as a pre-teen (yes older than a six-year-old but ...) I was obsessed with Steven King and horror movies and novels. I even wrote one once for class - a move that I'm sure had it happened in another time would have earned me a visit to the shrink. I got an A.
I used to lay in bed at night and entertain thoughts of someone coming into my bed to kill me. One of my earliest memories is of a wind-up doll that played the lullaby song. I was convinced that when the music stopped I would die. I was probably 5.
I am the most utterly normal non-violent woman in the world - I don't even kill bugs. My parents have a fantastic relationship; they loved me to bits. No one in my childhood ever hurt me emotionally or physically.
I simply had a rich imagination and my loving parents let me indulge in it.
Keck and his son will be fine. He sounds like a wonderful dad.
Let the flaming begin .....
posted by : me on 10/27/2008 at 9:20 AM Flag For Abuse
-
There's a reason Goosebumps were an incredibly popular series. Kids like to be scared. They need to encounter scary stuff in a safe place to learn how to deal with it, which is exactly what it sounds like is going on here. The boy is preparing himself to deal with worst case scenarios. The fact that he's obsessed with it might mean he has more fear and anxiety to deal with than other kids. No, I wouldn't let my child watch Scream at 6 years old, but that's my choice as a parent. It seems like the author has a good grip on what is fairly normal behavior and what would be cautionary signs.
posted by : 1 Jennifer out of 800000 on 10/27/2008 at 11:22 AM Flag For Abuse
-
He sounds like a nice kid with a really fun imagination! Good for him-My husband was a horror movie kid. His grandmother loved to watch horror movies but not alone so she would grab him and have a partner... I'm sad to say that he has turned into an adult who "gasp" Loves to watch horror movies!!! and spend lots of money on horror movie crap that is all over the house.... agggh....
As the mom of a kid born on Halloween I say more power to the zombie killer kid! Rock on little boy!! Hope dad gets you some holy water and a silver bullet to take care of those pesky werewolves!
posted by : Me 3 on 10/27/2008 at 1:24 PM Flag For Abuse
-
My son doesn't like horror movies but he does like similarly morbid conversations (once, when I was sick but not that sick and told him that on a scale of 1 to 10 I was only at about 2, we wound up having a long and involved conversation about what bodily infirmities would represent each other number on the scale, ending with having your head explode). He's a pretty anxious kid, and I have an anxiety disorder so I suspect it's inherited to some extent. I don't think fascination with scary stories is a symptom of being a psychopath, I think it's an anxiety coping mechanism. It's a lot easier to come up with strategies for killing zombies, which even a six year old knows aren't really real, than it is to worry about the scary things in the world that *are* real. I wouldn't worry about him becoming violent but I'd keep an eye on him to make sure he's not too anxious.
posted by : diera on 10/27/2008 at 4:45 PM Flag For Abuse
-
I was obsessed with horror movies when I was a kid, but I have to say, I wish my parents would have sheltered me a little more! I spent a lot of time up scared at night because of things I saw in movies! I really loved seeing the most scary and gory ones I could find, but I'm not sure it was good for me.
I'm fine now.. not violent or anything.. but it's worth thinking about the fact that these fascinations with horror movies might make a kid with an overactive imagination kind of terrified at times that they should feel safe (in their own home, in their own room). I wanted to be scared in the moment, but the amount of fear I had laying in bed at night made it not worth it to watch those movies!!
posted by : tiffer on 10/27/2008 at 10:33 PM Flag For Abuse
-
If this child has this much of an obsession with monsters, horror movies etc. at age six, just how long has he been watching them? Since he was three or four? I'm glad *he* is okay (according to stepdad) BUT I think most children are absolutely not ready for that sort of thing at that age. I was also an anxious child, and my older brother insisted on showing me horror movies when mom wasn't around. (Gee, thanks, bro.) I had horrible nightmares for years. It was NOT fun. Please, please err on the side of caution when deciding what movies to show to your kids. You cannot expunge scary movies from their brains if it turns out to have been too much after all.
posted by : More Anon on 10/28/2008 at 12:28 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I don't think the topic (monsters, etc.) is inappropriate, but you may want to look for age-appropriate ways for him to express his interest, like the Little Vampire series, etc. There is a LOT of room between butterflies and rainbows, and Scream.
posted by : Shan on 10/28/2008 at 8:20 AM Flag For Abuse
-
My parents never told me what I could read or not read. They never told us how to think, what to be, how to be, or what we could or could not watch. We have all turned into normal healthy taxpaying citizens, a veritable American success story; all six of us.
I watched monster movies from the time we got cable when I was 12, we went to horror movies until I started to have nightmares in my late teens. I am the one who watched Alien on cable from the kitchen doorway, and Friday the 13th 2 from the snackbar at the drive in. I own and proudly display every Stephen King novel that he wrote up thru Cell, and have a couple of editions of Richard Bachman. None of us are twisted or crazy.
Some kids are just tuned into things a little deeper than others. If you ask me, I would worry more for the little girl.
posted by : lalahem on 10/28/2008 at 10:29 PM Flag For Abuse
-
I've been really careful to shelter my boys from scary/disturbing stuff on tv. (The point about SVU is spot on.) And, I'm not sure about the Scream movie - but I'm not into judging other parents, obviously this guy is concerned and with it enough to analyze the situation and walk the line.
I just want to say, there's a line between disturbing and scary. I would much rather my children watch something spooky involving werewolves or something than watch CSI or SVU. I see nothing wrong w/ a fascination with monsters - or killing monsters. I had a cousin who was obsessed w/ all things scary as a child, vampires, werewolves, etc. They let him stay up once a week and watch tales from the Crypt..he turned out fine. There are plenty of non-disturbing "scary" movies about fictional characters/monsters out there, and I don't see anything wrong w/ them. Really, what's the difference between a child pretending to slay a monster and a child playing cops and robbers?
Also, as a mother of boys, I wonder sometimes if all these attachment parenting/hover tactics will produce a generation of boys who have a hard time becoming men.. I don't want my sons to be Jeffery Dahmer or a Tony Soprano, but I DO want them to be assertive, brave, courageous manly men.
posted by : that girl on 10/29/2008 at 9:26 AM Flag For Abuse
-
Please, please, please stop with equating attachment parenting with hovering. It's driving me NUTS. I am neither for nor against attachment parenting, but to continuously lump it with over permissiveness is getting tiresome on these message boards.
There is nothing "Attachment Parenting" about this article, the boy's father is letting his son watch movies that are not intended for his age. He never mentioned that this was somehow connected to making him into a "man." And watching people being murdered isn't going to make boys "assertive, brave, courageous manly men."
It's always a difficult argument to say, "I did XYZ, and I'm fine." or, "I know 140 kids who XYZ and they are just wonderful." Great, but just because it happened once (or 140 times) does not mean that it's GOOD or FINE if it continues to happen. That's an error in logic. The quote should actually be, "Despite XYZ (in this instance:watching movies that made me scared), I turned out fine." Thinking about it that way gets us out of the logical error, AND helps to find the reasons why you turned out fine (for instance: parental involvement while watching the scary movie).
My opinion is that the flood gate's open, you just got to ride the wave now. The boy needs to work through the images he's seen. I'd let him watch Scream around thee clock, over and over again, one weekend (I'm not joking), until he knows that movie line for line. Do that with all the movies he's seen (do not add more movies). Let's see what happens then.
posted by : kf on 10/29/2008 at 3:21 PM Flag For Abuse
-
What would that do? Watching it over and over?
posted by : that girl on 10/30/2008 at 5:01 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Also, I realize the hover moms and the attachment parents are two different entities - I put them on either side of the slash because I felt they both applied to the situation..I also said I wasn't sure about the Scream movie - but that other "scary" movies didn't have to be disturbing to excite him.
I don't think my boys watching scary movies, or riding their bikes w/ no helmets, or eating high fructose, non-organic corn syrup will make them into MANLY men. What I do wonder is how will they ever become manly, courageous men if I protect them from EVERYTHING.
posted by : that girl on 10/30/2008 at 5:12 PM Flag For Abuse
-
By his son watching the scary movie over and over again he gains mastery, and the images are no longer evocative and stimulating. When a child perseverates on one area (be it a developmental skills, or ideas) they are trying to process complex emotions. In this specific case, the emotion is fear or anticipatory anxiety. I believe, that by watching the movies multiple times the child will become bored with the images and the obsessiveness will gradually decrease. That's just my take on the brief summary that this father provides. The complexity of the issue may go deeper, that's why I suggest to start with the repetitive movies and go from there.
Regarding the attachment parenting and hovering. I re-read your entry, and it's likely I didn't clearly understand the slash. I am exasperated, often, by parents using labels as a way to understand themselves and others. It provides an "me vs them" experience that I believe gets in the way of a true discussion of the topics at hand. Look at any of these posts and by message 20 or 25 we've all begun to take sides, rather than explore possibilities. I find myself doing this as well. And, well, by the time I got to this article, I was tired.
The development of gender identity is often complex and includes social roles, role models, and temperament. To believe that not protecting them will make them manly and courageous is simplistic and seeped in gender stereotypes. If a woman with a daughter did all the things you listed would she create a manly, courageous woman? Are you, and this is just a question, the type of parent who would be okay that their boys are more aggressive (perhaps a little overly aggressive), because that reassures you that are becoming "manly?"
I am by no means an expert on the development of masculinity. But a consultation of the literature may help clarify issues of gender development. A brief peer consultation brought a couple of books to the forefront on gender development: "Boys Don't Cry" By Jennifer Travis and "Growing Up Male: The Psychology of Masculinity" By Schoenberg. I don't have boys, and I know if I did I would have the same thoughts and worries. Hope you find the resources worthwhile!
posted by : kf on 10/31/2008 at 1:18 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I have a boy. I do not, however, worry at all about him becoming "manly". I do worry about boys who feel pressure to grow up with expectations of what being a man looks like and should be, especially when their parents clearly subscribe to a narrow-minded and often homophobic version of manhood.
I'm not sure that the author's point at all had to do with being manly or otherwise, but I, and imagine others who frequent Babble, WOULD probably wonder about a parent's desire, even need, for a son to grow up manly. This term comprises a host of negative characteristics that I pray my son actually doesn't have. The majority of "manly" men I've known are assholes. I'd rather raise a man who becomes empathetic, nurturing, loving -- characteristics that our culture usually divides up and polarizes, deeming many "feminine" and thus less desirable for men.
posted by : Fairygirl776 on 10/31/2008 at 11:49 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Oh good lord, I'm not forcing them to watch wrestle-mania while shoving beef jerky downt their throats! I encourage my boys to do art, read books, talk about their feelings, etc..I tolerate NO cruelty or bullying, in my house - to each other, or neighborhood children. And to be honest? My boys (like most children in loving homes) already have these characteristics you speak of - empathy, a nurturing spirit, a loving heart..they are those things.
I guess what I'm a bit nostalgic for is old fashioned, masculine role models..and also experiences that we seem to be ushering to the wayside in the hopes of this eutopian childhood we're all so eager to give them. I want them to explore, get dirty, learn with their hands, play ball in the neighbor's yard, take up for the underdog, be loud, step up, go after their dreams, go after girls, be assertive, be bold.
Do I hope my boys will be stand-up, man's men? Yes. Does that mean I'm homophobic? No. I'm not here to tiptoe around things. I'm a grown woman who's done a lot of dating and is now married and I"m not afraid to say that we are lacking in stand-up men. I know what kind of men I'm trying to raise and I can promise you it doesn't come from a narrow minded place - it comes from a well rounded, well thought out place.
But I have to ask, how PC are you implying that there aren't any manly homosexual men? Or to suggest that the term "manly" equals pig.
posted by : that girl on 11/4/2008 at 5:51 PM Flag For Abuse
-
My sister, a single-parent of a 6 year old boy, informed me recently that she lets her son watch the Lord of the Rings movies. But, she qualified, she talks to him about the scary parts. She watches these incredibly horrifying movies with her son and talks to him about them, so her judgement and decision-making should be above reproach. Oh, yes, she is a social worker who works wih disturbed children. Is everyone out there nuts - we have 5 and 6 year old children whose parents allow them to watch images on video games and movies that are disturbing, violent and dehumanizing. But we talk to them about it.... OHHHH, okay, and that totally negates the negative and disturbing impact an onslaught of such images may have. The world is a crazy place, listen to yourselves...
For the record, I love scary movies and I have 2 boys - but I think it is totally inappropriate for adults to expose young children to these kind of images. Have any of you ever noticed the rating system on your DVDs... or taken note of the cautionary PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED on TV...
posted by : useyourhead on 11/7/2008 at 4:36 PM Flag For Abuse
