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What a lovely essay.
posted by : NoHo Mom on 6/9/2008 at 12:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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What a pleasure to read. I'd love to see more essays in this vein (no sensationalistic "Bad Parent" stuff.) Very moving and relatable. Thank you.
posted by : BBBGMOM on 6/9/2008 at 12:32 PM Flag For Abuse
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Best thing I've read on Babble. Beautiful. Thank you.
posted by : Jess29 on 6/9/2008 at 1:00 PM Flag For Abuse
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Simply lovely. I'm a Dad of a 4 year old too, watching my son grow as I watch my own father turn 65. It's been moving (and tough at times) for me to view my own father's failings in the light of my own potential failings as a parent. Happily, most of Dad's failings pale in comparison to his positives, still, strange, moving, and disconcerting to be myself what my father always was to me...a Dad. Finding stuff in his "drawer" is always a surprise, but what I find out about him I surely see in myself, whether I admit it or not.
Sticky weed. Yup. God don't let him find out about that for awhile!
Great piece, thaniks.
posted by : mrb on 6/9/2008 at 2:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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I really loved this, and it made me teary. *grin*
I remember going through my dad's drawer as a small child. My dad kept so many things of his father's in his drawer. His dad died when he was just 13, so it was as if every item his dad had touched was a relic to be cherished.
Evidently he sees a bit of that reverence has rubbed off on me (I actually think his drawer did it, too), because he has started to give me small items that belonged to his parents as gifts - a silverplate mirror that was his mother's and sat on her vanity, a music box that was given to his father by his father, bought at the turn of the (last) century in New York. His wife has joined in, too, and gave me a first edition Oz book that her mother gave her that is in SUPERB condition.
These things do have some bit of monetary value, but the sentimental value and the value of the trust they have in me seeing their value is the most important thing.
My partner also has a drawer (or two) that he keeps things that are sentimental in. And I keep a box of my own.
posted by : shesanangel on 6/9/2008 at 2:25 PM Flag For Abuse
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I thought this was a great essay, too...but, as a former devotee of weed, I'd like to challenge this father who claims to be "...trying to fend off the dark forces of the world" to wake up to the fact that our recreational weed smoking actually supports the dark forces of the world where poorer people live in the crossfire of drug activity and pay the price for our pleasures...this is really the reason why I don't partake anymore
posted by : counterclaim on 6/9/2008 at 3:56 PM Flag For Abuse
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counterclaim...you have some validity here, but I recommend you direct your energies towards drug policy reform and in particular the decriminalization of illicit drugs. It is prohibition that is the cause of the miseries you mention, not drug use itself. This both acknowledges human behavior (which will never change) and supports a harm minimization approach that removes the profits of drug sales from the dark forces of the world.
posted by : mrb on 6/9/2008 at 4:19 PM Flag For Abuse
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Interesting that the "Pot Mom" article a few months back got pages and pages of outraged feedback, while this gets only a slightly raised eyebrow's worth. Moms must be pure and perfect, while dads are permitted their vices. Sexism, anyone?
I've noticed that Babble's essays seem truncated lately -- they leave me wanting more but seem lopped off at the end. Why is that? New length requirement?
posted by : Anarchist Mama on 6/9/2008 at 4:27 PM Flag For Abuse
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In my defense, I didn't pill onto pot mom, I loved that article and found it quite moving actually. We're not talking about absent-minded heroin junkies here folks.
posted by : mrb on 6/9/2008 at 4:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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I meant pile, not pill. Whoops.
posted by : mrb on 6/9/2008 at 4:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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Unlike mrb, I don't really think there is much difference between this father and "absent-minded heroin junkies". Drug use is drug use. It's irresponsible in anyone, but even more so by a parent. Grow up Daddy.
posted by : anonymous2 on 6/9/2008 at 5:10 PM Flag For Abuse
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Loved this article. I think the people dwelling on the drug issue are missing the point. ITS NOT ABOUT THE DRUGS PEOPLE. I was always intrigued by my parents nightstand, but I was a good girl and never looked. My brother was not so good and did look. He was scarred for life by the naked honeymoon pictures.
posted by : happymommy12 on 6/9/2008 at 5:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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anonymous2...very curious as to what you consider a "drug", Daddy. I bet you use your fair share.
posted by : mrb on 6/9/2008 at 5:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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In this context, I consider a drug to be any illegal substance, which is not to imply that prescription and OTC medications cannot be abused as well. (The only drug I use with any frequency is Tylenol.) While I appreciated the overall scope of the article and the connection between generations, I didn't appreciate the author's almost bragging tone with regards to his drug use. Are we supposed to congratulate him that he's not some suburban subdivision-dwelling, minivan-driving stereotype? Sorry. I didn't think it was "cool" in high school and college and I don't think it's "cool" now. Drug use is irresponsible, impairs his ability to parent effectively and is a very poor example to his kids. He's an adult--time to start acting like one.
posted by : anonymous2 on 6/9/2008 at 7:44 PM Flag For Abuse
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Funny I thought I was the only one this nosy. Great piece of writing, perfect for upcoming father's day. I loved it. You should write for my new blog sometime :-)
posted by : StarlooksBoutique on 6/9/2008 at 10:42 PM Flag For Abuse
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>>> Happymommy LOL!!!!
posted by : StarlooksBoutique on 6/9/2008 at 10:46 PM Flag For Abuse
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That was a satisfying read. Thank you.
posted by : kmason79 on 6/9/2008 at 11:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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happymommy--OK should we make it about the porn? (ha ha) what if a little girl came across her dad's stash? thank goodness for the internet! I'm not anti-porn, but I do want my daughter to grow up not pressured to be a sex object and embrace her sexuality no matter what she looks like...I guess that's a whole other essay...
seriously, though...it's a very nice piece, just a little too cavalier about the drug use, though so that's drawing the arrows
posted by : counterclaim on 6/10/2008 at 9:12 AM Flag For Abuse
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anoymous2...I see you left room for alcohol in your analysis of what a "drug" is. Just as I suspected: the number one source of abuse, anger, violence and addiction. I think your "context" speaks for itself. It's okay if it's legal, right?
With all the neglect, abuse and misery heaped on children in our country and the world over by their parents, you're gonna call this guy out for mentioning weed and tell him he needs to grow up and start acting like a Daddy? Forget the fact that he wrote a very nice essay about being a parent, and posted it to a blog which other parents read. You know what kind of parents do that sort of thing...the kind that are involved in their kids' lives. Instead of support...scorn. Nice.
posted by : mrb on 6/10/2008 at 10:35 AM Flag For Abuse
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mrb: I don't think anyone would deny that alcohol is a drug--I certainly won't. Heck, even caffeine is a drug. But there's a big difference between a cup of coffee/few sips of wine after the kids are asleep and using illegal drugs and leaving them where young children will come across them. Sadly, in this country and around the world children are neglected and abused--since this issue was not raised in the article, I'm not sure why you're bringing it up here. But since you raised the issue, I certainly would agree with you that abuse and neglect of children is a deplorable thing. However, I also don't doubt that much abuse/neglect of children stems from drug abuse by the parents and I sincerely hope that this is not the case in the family portrayed in the article.
posted by : anonymous2 on 6/10/2008 at 1:39 PM Flag For Abuse
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anon2...guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I think picking out the reference to weed in an otherwise obvious tribute to being a dad is unfortunate on your part. I got no impression from this piece that the author's child was in any danger and associating using pot recreationally with abuse or neglect of a child minimizes real abuse and neglect no matter what them may stem from. Peace.
posted by : mrb on 6/10/2008 at 3:59 PM Flag For Abuse
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You actually have a bad parent write for once and don't headline it as such? And I will not engage in these semantic arguments: he does not want his girls to know he's a pothead. His own admission. If it's as harmless as a glass of wine with dinner or a chocolate bar after a frustrating day, there would be no need to hide.
posted by : annoyed on 6/10/2008 at 5:14 PM Flag For Abuse
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This was a beautiful essay.
The feedback is interesting ... we are seeing echoes here of the cultural divide expressed in the comments to that earlier article that mentioned pot smoking.
What I find pretty consistently is that the people who believe that marijuana is a drug that is more dangerous than alcohol are people who either (1) never tried it or (2) tried it once and had a paranoid response and therefore resent the drug. The truth is that alcohol is without a doubt a more dangerous drug for parents to consume than pot.
The law is fallible ... anyone who blindly believes all things illegal are bad are continuing a tradition of herd-mentality thinking that has lead to many poor decisions like drowning "witches," stoning adulterers to death, and forcing minorities into the backs of buses. The truth is that our government, and those that came before it, do an imperfect job of assessing what is dangerous in the world.
Here is the previous discussion ... clearly touchy stuff among parents.
http://www.babble.com/Feedback/FeedbackMiddle1Top1.aspx?feedbackItemId=1275&returnTarget=%2fcontent%2farticles%2fcolumns%2fbadparent%2f008%2findex.aspx
posted by : chattydaddy on 6/10/2008 at 8:02 PM Flag For Abuse
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This was a great essay. Thank you.. one of the best I've read on this website.
posted by : tiffer on 6/11/2008 at 7:23 AM Flag For Abuse
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"You actually have a bad parent write for once and don't headline it as such? And I will not engage in these semantic arguments: he does not want his girls to know he's a pothead. His own admission. If it's as harmless as a glass of wine with dinner or a chocolate bar after a frustrating day, there would be no need to hide."
Judge not lest thee be judged, fool. You're the bad parent for being so utterly ignorant and high and mighty.
Yeah, bad parents routinely write beautiful essays and post them to parents' blogs. You're surely a winner, no doubt.
posted by : highandmighty on 6/11/2008 at 11:38 AM Flag For Abuse
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chattydaddy...nice comment, and accurate. Anyone claiming that the use of marijuana is more harmful or dangerous than the use of alcohol is staggeringly ignorant of reality. Either that or just another sheep following the drug war propaganda. All you with kids...check out just how effective this campaign is...check on the effectiveness of the DARE campaign over the years. Short summary: it's not only not effective, it actually has been shown to encourage experimentation.
Not everything is as it seems and you all piling scorn onto the writer and those commenters here make me ill. Sad.
posted by : highandmighty on 6/11/2008 at 11:42 AM Flag For Abuse
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i loved the essay. my father died this year and i got to go through his stuff and loved finding out things i didn't know about him. i actually could have really used some pot.
posted by : MissHannigan on 6/11/2008 at 3:18 PM Flag For Abuse
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If you're going to proudly proclaim your drug abuse, then surely it's not so surprising that people will attack it -- and rightfully so. It doesn't really matter if it's alcohol, or Vicodin, or, be it as it may, "sticky" marijuana. I simply do not understand why people can't give up such vices when they become parents. It's selfish and sad.
posted by : sasster on 6/12/2008 at 2:53 AM Flag For Abuse
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sasster---another holier than thou post. snore. what a joke.
posted by : mrb on 6/12/2008 at 10:52 AM Flag For Abuse
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sasster - are you suggesting that parents never have a beer or a glass of wine? Are you including "vices" like swearing, television, driving over the speed limit, eating FunYuns, and any number of less-than-ideal behaviors? You must be perfect! good for you.
posted by : BBBGMOM on 6/12/2008 at 2:09 PM Flag For Abuse
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Why, yes, BBBGMOM, of course I'm suggesting that doing drugs is in par with eating Funyuns. Because the use of false analogies like the ones you pose here are, well, logical: children often suffer from their parents' taste in junk food as much as their taste in illegal, mind-altering substances. Not perfect -- but I am capable of offering arguments free from logical fallacy. You might try it. After all, expressing distates for an author's public declaration of the atmosphere to which he exposes his children (an atmosphere that often merits investigations by CPS) automatically equals being perfect. Where on earth did you draw such a ridiculous conclusion? Moral equivocation doesn't really become anyone.
posted by : sasster on 6/14/2008 at 12:52 AM Flag For Abuse
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And I apologize for the typos -- I'll preempt the criticism of my intelligence based on a missed keystroke.
posted by : sasster on 6/14/2008 at 12:53 AM Flag For Abuse
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Since no one seems really interested in the real point of this essay, I'll continue the tangent and point out this article in the NY Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/14/us/14florida.html?ei=5087&em=&en=b5eb8c2317e8ff6a&ex=1213588800&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1213470287-af+d6wSXSlcw3Y31qrerdQ
I note from reading it that marijuana kills no one, while legal prescription drugs do more damage than all illegal drugs combined. Perhaps this discussion should be moved to one of Pfizer's message boards.
posted by : Sane Dad on 6/14/2008 at 3:30 PM Flag For Abuse
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Sasster - you sound like you've got something very sharp up your [S]ass[ter].
posted by : WTF on 6/15/2008 at 9:47 PM Flag For Abuse
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Beautiful and eloquently written essay. I enjoyed this fathers reflections on parenthood as well as his sense of humor and perspective.
posted by : Camille on 6/16/2008 at 9:52 AM Flag For Abuse
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Sasster is a better parent than ANYONE else, I'll stipulate that here. Sasster got it right, good job buddy. You've impressed all of us with your exceptional morality. You're a special parent. Head in the sand.
posted by : mrb on 6/16/2008 at 12:29 PM Flag For Abuse
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Ouch, guys. At least it's a dialog, I guess.
I still loved the article. I read into it what the author wanted me to, I guess, and didn't notice the pot reference more than a "hmm" moment.
I don't smoke pot. I don't think that there is much wrong with smoking pot as far as the effects it has on you. I do drink occasionally, sometimes more than should. I also eat food that is bad for me and don't get enough exercise. I don't have kids yet, either.
I think alcohol is MUCH more dangerous than pot, and I think marijuana should be legalized, regulated, and taxed. HOWEVER, that said, it isn't legal currently.
Drinking can be dangerous and irresponsible, and to be clear, I am talking about more than "a glass or two". But it is legal, as long as you aren't driving. It can lead to abuse, or neglect, in it's excessive form. But it is legal.
Marijuana is currently illegal in the US. You can get in trouble for it. You can face jail time. You can have your kids taken away. YOUR KIDS. I am not saying that I think this is necessarily right, but it is true. The consequences of drinking can be high, but if you are just having a glass or two it is not even an issue when compared to smoking a joint while your kid is at the babysitter. You can lose your children. This is why I think that it is wrong, CURRENTLY, for parents to smoke weed. The consequence of casual use is too high.
I'm not trying to single out any of you, because you all have valid feelings on the subject, but this is my PERSONAL reason why I would never smoke pot while raising kids. Easier for me, though, cause I don't smoke pot now. *shrug* No change in my habits. ;)
posted by : shesanangel on 6/21/2008 at 12:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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Wow. A lot of hoopla about the pot.
Personally, I was far more disturbed by the paperweight penis. Please. I can just see that thing lying like a slug on my desk.
posted by : hand on 6/23/2008 at 12:51 PM Flag For Abuse
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My three-year-old picked up my Rabbit vibrator just this morning. Waved it at me and everything. I took it away and said "No darling, that's Mummy's" and he replied "Mummy's water?" It's clear rubber so it could be mistaken for a bottle of water by a kid who doesn't know any better and wasn't looking properly. I think I got given a free one there. ;oP
posted by : Ghostlove on 7/2/2008 at 3:19 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thanks for getting us back on track, hand and Ghostlove! LOL!!!
Awesome article as usual, Keck. I enjoy all your pieces so much. (Not including your paperweight, however...)
posted by : Chimom on 6/19/2009 at 5:40 PM Flag For Abuse
