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This is exactly how I felt! My few encounters with other new moms (baby swimming 'lessons', chatting up other new moms at the mall) just didn't do anything for me. Maybe it's because I work in a male dominated field (which I love) or I didn't have anything in common with the other moms that I have met? Everyone told me to join a mommy group but I just wasn't interested. I think it's great that other moms enjoy their groups, and gained a lot from them. Just not for me I guess.
posted by : kelander on 5/15/2008 at 8:51 AM Flag For Abuse
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I am the complete opposite, although I do get where you are coming from. I lucked out to find a group of moms who not only discuss all things mommy, but also everything else under the sun (with the wine flowing freely). You sound like you had a better handle on new-mommyhood than I did, though. I needed to be around people who made me feel like I wasn't a complete idiot (the ones in the trenches right along with me). I felt inept and criticized at every decision and I needed someone to cry to that understood. But that's just me!
posted by : mommashay on 5/15/2008 at 10:58 AM Flag For Abuse
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I think you need both new mom friends and non-mom friends. New mom friends sympathize with what you're going through, understand why you showed up half an hour late with a spit-up-covered sweatsuit, and are used to conversations that never get finished because a kid always interrupts them. On the other hand, all you ever talk about with other moms are the kids, and it inevitably gets into a compare-a-thon about when your kid met such-and-such a milestone. That's when you need to talk to people who don't have kids ... that is if they can stand you and your new mom flakiness.
posted by : Shannon1234 on 5/15/2008 at 1:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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Also note that some people just aren't joiners and group types. My wife and I are like that. She does have mom-friends, but they socialize one on one and she likes it that way. It's much more intimate. You feel like the other person is focusing on YOU and you can do likewise for them.
I'm also the same way. I've just never liked groups. I like to interact with people individually. It's just what I prefer.
posted by : k1 on 5/15/2008 at 1:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think that the conversation just gravitates towards the one thing we can assume the others all have in common. You should try introducing another line of conversation...some of the moms might drop at the opportunity to discuss art and politics.
I need the new mom support (and wish I had reached out for it earlier), but I also like being able to talk about adult "interests."
The problem is it is hard to make new friends who also happen to be new moms--it doesn't seem to happen organically like I met my other friends.
And my still child-free friends' lifestyles aren't really conducive to frequent time together. So, short of waiting for them to join the mommy club, I keep on trying to connect with other new moms.
I tell my husband that now I know what straight guys go through when they attempt to get a woman's phone number--is she a match? is she willing? don't seem too eager, now...but let her know you're interested...darn, she seemed like a good one...maybe she really *did* have to leave?
Anyway, I can empathize with a lot in this article.
Babble--Drop the "Bad Parent" think, please...this time it wasn't even relevant.
posted by : CaliMama on 5/15/2008 at 2:00 PM Flag For Abuse
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I went to a new mom group once. I thought I'd meet some women like me who were struggling with breast feeding and wishing for a good night's sleep. I hoped I'd meet some ladies who also felt a twinge of resentment towards their partners, who left for work for a day without dirty diapers and leaky breasts. Instead I met a group of women who were anxious to out-do each other with tales of helpful husbands, restful nights, and amazing mother-in-laws. Their perfectly lipsticked mouths fell open when I told of the day my son wouldn't stop nursing long enough for me to fully dress and dry my hair after a shower. I was made to feel ashamed because I missed my pre-baby life. I never felt more alone than the day that I left that group. I couldn't relate to my childless friends who were living the life I was living just a few months ago and I clearly didn't fit in to the mommy club either.
posted by : hchc on 5/15/2008 at 2:59 PM Flag For Abuse
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Woohooo - finally something to remind people, just because we are moms does not mean we have to like each other!
Story hour at the library was ruined for me simply because I found some of the other moms so incredibly annoying. When I just wanted to sit on the floor with my daughter and clap along with the songs or point out animals in the books, I had to listen to this woman gabbling in my ear. Definitely not my idea of bonding with other moms!
posted by : jeanne on 5/15/2008 at 3:24 PM Flag For Abuse
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I wish I had liked my moms group. The thing is, what I really, truly wanted was to hang out with my friends—not a random assortment of strangers. My friends were all child-free. They were at work when I was home with an infant. And for the most part, they were unable to empathize—not so much with being a parent--but with dynamics shifting. They didn’t really get that that being friends with a new mom would now require more effort on all of our parts. Now that my son is a toddler, I am much better able to exert more of the friendship upkeep that I used to. The friends are still a little slow on the uptake, though. But I’m happy to say that I have recently found a small playgroup that I really like. The women are all people I’d actually want to hang out with even if we had no toddlers to talk about.
posted by : HPez on 5/15/2008 at 3:47 PM Flag For Abuse
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I have 2 girls, ages 2 years and fast-approaching 1 year..... so I didn't really have the time or patience to deal with meeting a new group of people, even if they were "like me", or better put, in a similar situation as myself. I waited until my oldest was about 18 months, when I had a better handle on "2 under 2", and attend playgroups tentatively, at best.
No, the girls haven't had swimming lessons, gymnastics, or music classes yet... and yes, I've caught looks from other parents as if I was doing my children a huge disservice.
I was making my older one fend for herself and letting her watch Wonder Pets (and Backyardigans, and maybe Diego too), while I was struggling to breastfeed her younger sister, get her on a sleep schedule, change her diaper, etc.
Looking back, maybe I would have handled things better if I'd had a "support group", but I found some solace in my existing friends that had kids (even if some of them are not quite geographically desirable), and also my friendless kids who still like to go out and get a drink once in a while w/ a haggard mother of 2... b/c yes, I still like to go out once in a while!
posted by : gocubs on 5/15/2008 at 3:59 PM Flag For Abuse
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While it's fine the new mom's group thing wasn't for you, I don't know if it's necessary to say that "new moms kind of suck." Maybe the ones you MET "sucked" but, really, what "sucked" about them other than the fact that they talked incessantly about their new lives and babies? Ok, so it wasn't for you. But just because they wanted to talk about something that you decided you didn't want to talk about doesn't mean that new moms who DO enjoy talking about these things "suck."
posted by : MelMom on 5/15/2008 at 4:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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I went to everything available in the communities we have lived because I'm the sort who goes stir crazy if I stay in the house all day - even when number 2 came along and we lived in the far north where going out to the car required 30 minutes plus of gear-getting-into - it wasn't so much the need to talk with anyone - I was usually the one sitting in the middle of playgroup with 30 kids running, drooling and crawling around trying to maintain some order while the other ladies sat on the sidelines drinking coffee, chatting and generally ignoring their offspring. I just need a regular change of scenery and, being an RCMP wife (Canadian federal police - they get transferred around the country a lot), I needed some way of integrating myself into our ever-changing communities. Everyone is different - I personally do not know how moms of young children can stay at home all day long, day in and day out, because I know that would suffocate me and quickly send me over the edge. We don't always go to organized groups or lessons - in our present community we don't have access to very much (and it's a french-speaking community so that really limits my ability to do the mom-talk thing with the locals...) but we go out exploring everyday come rain, shine, high winds or freak snowstorms. But to each their own and the important thing is to know what you need to keep your self on some sort of equilibrium so that you can be present and sane for your children (or at least most of the time...)
posted by : Lisaloo on 5/15/2008 at 7:01 PM Flag For Abuse
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MelMom, totally agree with you. You put your finger on what bothered me about the article, which was otherwise pretty innocuous.
posted by : Dwtintx on 5/15/2008 at 11:23 PM Flag For Abuse
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I took a "birth and babies" course when pregnant, and kept in touch with some of the other parents after the babies hatched and the course ended. We didn't have much in common apart from the overwhelming life experience we were living through, but that was enough. We met monthly for a while, and then the group died a natural, regret-free death after a year. While I have no interest in rekindling those relationships, I can't begin to describe how much I valued them at the time. None of my real friends are parents. 'Nuff said.
I have to back CaliMama up about the "bad parent" header. It glazes everything with smug self-congratulations (aren't I disgraceful yet strangely AWESOME?) I thought at first that this story annoyed me, but now I think it's just the context that bugs. Your kid doesn't care if you hang out with other parents or not, so pick and choose companions as you see fit. Just don't imagine other women are less sophisticated than you because they crave company where you crave solitude.
posted by : JW on 5/15/2008 at 11:48 PM Flag For Abuse
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Right on! What I wanted was one, maybe two moms, who had kids already so I could ask questions like "Is it normal for my baby to____?" So I hooked up with a gal in my neighborhood who had a son a month older than my baby AND a son 3 years older. She was a veritable font of mommy knowledge. Thanks to her I managed to stay sane for those first 12 months. Once i got my mommy legs though our friendship petered out. I no longer was the student and she the master. When she moved we parted ways amicably. I hated listening to other new moms go on and on about what a genius their kid was cause she smiled when she farted or how they had sex moments after delivery. I found new moms to be super competitive, judgemental, condescending liars. Everyone trying to one up each other and tell everybody the ONLY way to breastfeed, or bottle feed or back sleep or co sleep or whatever. It was sad really to watch those moms who had once been people with careers and lives become desperate to be experts on something, anything. So they turned something as natural as motherhood into a science, an art, a contest. Once my first kid was about 3 then I could stand other mothers with first kids that age. They had seemed to mellow by then and get over themselves.
posted by : Cassie on 5/16/2008 at 12:05 AM Flag For Abuse
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I never had a chance to do the playgroup thing. I went back to work (gasp). I think veteran moms are the best people to hang out with. BTDT's can help point the way and console those of us in the trenches. The only mom's group I could join were the message boards and certainly I had my share of "my baby is perfect, he slept through the night from day one." WHATEVER! BUT having said that, it was nice to know I wasn't insane when other new mom's were not having such a graceful introduction to motherhood.
I've known some of those girls now for over 4 yrs, yet we've never me in real life and I consider them my friends. With two children under my "mom belt" I now help new mom friends when they need advice (when they ask, of course).
posted by : Candes on 5/16/2008 at 10:40 AM Flag For Abuse
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I loved this piece so much, I really related to it. And sadly, as my son turns three, I still do. I sometimes feel that most moms I meet are so wrapped up in being moms, they do not want to (or can't) talk about anything except their kids.
posted by : parttimemommy on 5/16/2008 at 1:33 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well, I guess I'm lucky because I actually totally love my moms group. I've managed to meet moms who I would have been friends with anyway. I don't understand how other ways of meeting people is "more" organic though as other people talked about. I mean, most of my friends I met in High School, College or work. Typically we bonded over a shared experience and then either we had something in common and stayed friends or found that our shared experience was the only thing in common and moved on. Big deal.
I agree with the two other posters that were peeved by the notion that new moms "suck" in general. That's just an annoying thing to say. Some people suck and some people don't. And what you get out of something like a moms group is directly correlated with your initial expectations AND your ability/desire to relate with other people in general.
posted by : tiffer on 5/16/2008 at 1:40 PM Flag For Abuse
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I found some new moms I related to slightly but what always annoyed me was how the conversations was dominated for hours on end by babies. I liked some talk about the baby- I also had questions and things I wanted to discuss - but it always got to be too much for me. Maybe I never met the right group of moms. I still continue to meet moms with whom the primary connection is the kids. Again, little connection besides that. My old friends don't really have kids. More than anything, I would love to have one awesome mom friend whom I relate to on many levels besides having kids. I feel like that is really missing for me.
And agreed with above commenters: Drop the Bad Parent titile.
posted by : shm18 on 5/16/2008 at 5:32 PM Flag For Abuse
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I couldn't even bring myself to join one of these groups. 3.5 years later, I'm still not interested.
Great piece-
posted by : OneWeirdMother on 5/17/2008 at 7:19 AM Flag For Abuse
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Dang! Once again the "Bad Parent" forum suckered me into reading a pretty dull essay.
Kudos to the Babble editors for knowing how to rope in an audience, even when the content is unimaginative.
posted by : yawn on 5/17/2008 at 11:29 AM Flag For Abuse
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Time and time again I am so disappointed in the ideology set forth by this site. It's so frustrating. First, clearly you have a drinking problem. Wine? In a bar? With a baby? In the middle of the day? I'm sure you live in some red state that also allows smoking... Just because you admit to drinking doesn't make you "cool" or the essay more poignant. Second, if you can't bond with other new mothers you certainly are defended in your parenting, or just have problems with friendships in general. This essay was, as seemingly all Babble essays are, set to expose some "deep dark secret," the feelings no one talks about... but I have yet to feel connected to any of these feelings. And to say that mother groups "suck" is a very defensive position... what feelings and "deeper, darker secrets" could you be protecting yourself from? Write about those before judging others. Ugh!
posted by : babble shmabble on 5/17/2008 at 10:37 PM Flag For Abuse
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"Babble shmabble," you clearly don't belong here -- why don't you go to some pastel-colored parenting site and quit picking on people who can actually write?
I freaking loved this article. New moms do largely suck as company. I'd rather talk about presidential candidates than nipple rash any day. What's there to talk about? Go to the doctor or read a book if you've got childrearing problems -- a new mom needs friends who can offer her an escape from all of that overwhelming baby jazz.
After spending an entire day with someone whom I loved dearly, but let's face it, couldn't string two sentences together and drooled heavily, I always desperately needed adult activities and adult conversation.
posted by : ljwilliamson on 5/18/2008 at 11:51 PM Flag For Abuse
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I don't know people like this. By "people" I am referring to moms who only discuss diaper cream and fabulous hubbies. What culture is this? I wonder if the image of a Mommy and Me class populated by slender, gorgeous, preening perfect women is just a myth - a myth that scares off reasonable people...? On my at-home days I go out and about and meet parents at the park who talk baby/kid issues and current events. Granted, it takes a little getting-to-know-you before I'll spout off about my political views, but there are many less sensitive topics that keep conversations rolling 'round the sandbox. For the record I never joined Mommy and Me because I worked full time until my youngest was born. And by the time the baby came I had way too much stuff going on w/ part-time work and older kids to need or want any kind of group. Just the other day I met a "new mom" in a coffee shop - we exchanged data (how many months old is each kid, etc) and moved quickly into a conversation about the local public schools & education policy and the best walking/biking paths leading to ice cream.
posted by : BBBGMOM on 5/19/2008 at 12:56 PM Flag For Abuse
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I loved and totally needed my new moms' group. It was run by a nurse and was available a couple of times a week on a drop-in basis, so there was no pressure to attend if you weren't up to it, or any stigma to showing up late. We talked about breast-feeding, sleep issues, travelling with a baby, how to handle irrational partners or irrational mothers/mothers-in-law telling you you're doing everything wrong, how long after a glass of beer or wine it was safe to nurse the baby, what kind of swing would soothe an infant long enough for mom to take a shower, etc. No one was perfectly coiffed or lipsticked or had a perfect child (well, one woman had a 2-month-old who slept 11 hours straight regularly and the rest of us just glared at her).
At the same time, I was also attending two monthly book groups so I had regular social outings to talk about grown-up stuff that was not in the slightest related to my baby or being a mom. This was important too--I do agree you need some balance and to remember that you are still YOU, not just "Junior's mom."
If I have another child, I don't think I would go to another group just because now I have a pretty good idea what I'm doing, but in those first weeks after my son was born I felt completely clueless no matter how many parenting books I read, and I felt very reassured knowing I wasn't the only one.
posted by : raincitykitty on 5/19/2008 at 5:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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LOL - I hear ya sister! In a moment of weakness, I tried to join a group and had to send in an introduction. A weak later, I received a rejection. In the reason space it just said "X". LOL - what the heck was that?
posted by : Judith on 5/23/2008 at 2:04 AM Flag For Abuse
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Oh my God, how I identified with this. The first mothers' group I attended was AWFUL, just full of cranky women trying to compete in some strange game of who had/was suffering the most. The last thing you need to hear! I had so many problems breastfeeding, and wound up switching to formula, and I might as well have said I was feeding my daughter arsenic.
Just a quick thought, to the one blogger: one glass of wine in the day does not indicate a drinking problem. Moms, relax! Do what's right for you and your baby!
posted by : CrysBellis on 6/3/2008 at 2:28 AM Flag For Abuse
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Yup I agree with this article. I've tried joining mom-to-be groups since I am due any day, but to be honest, I've never really gotten along with WOMEN in general. All I want to do is do my homework and classes online, watch FOOTBALL, play video games occasionally with my hubby, and just enjoy the time I have left until my son arives. The women I encountered were just whining and complaining, some of them were even CRYING about how it was unfair they were pregnant! As a new mom, I personally don't want to be around negative people. Those mom groups are just places where I just cannot relate. In all the groups I tried to join, not one talked about football or even college. It's like they just sat around dreading EVERYTHING in life. They really freaked out when I told them that my hubby and I recently went to a bar to watch my fav college team, and that we went to a baseball game. They told me that I shouldn't be going out, and that I should be at home putting my feet up! Oh please! I just simply replied to that I am not a loser, I'm pregnant, not handicap, and that I love life. I don't have a complicated pregnancy, so why can't I go to a local bar and just watch football? I wasn't getting drunk or anything. I was just watching my fav tem play, which is USC. GO TROJANS!!!
posted by : cleoc on 9/19/2008 at 7:35 PM Flag For Abuse
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This article hits one of my greatest parenting fears on the head. I'm just a few months pregnant. I read these blogs and articles about women who have raging three hour discussions about breast-feeding, women who consign their partners to sleeping on the couch for the first five years of the child's life, women who drop all their non-parent friends. It makes me afraid that by becoming a mother I will stop abruptly being anything else. I won't be a woman, a nerd, a reader, a sci-fi fan, an english major, a wife - I will just be a mommy, faceless and interchangeable with all others. I realize that like many pregnancy fueled fears, this one is probably silly and overblown. It's articles like this one that reassure me that even as a mother, I can still be me.
posted by : mchaos on 1/18/2009 at 1:21 PM Flag For Abuse
