feedback for "The War on "No""

1. Ditto, ditto, ditto.   I just spent Thanksgiving with my family, including my infant and 4 school-age or preschool nieces and nephews. I couldn't believe the garbage my sisters let their kids get away with. I won't even go into it, but I was dying to hear the word "no" said once! One sister's kids don't give her a minute's rest. I started to feel sorry for her, but she's done it to herself.   When did the way we were brought up suddenly become so completely and totally wrong?  

   posted by : mommified on 11/26/2007 at 2:07 PM Flag For Abuse

2. I agree with this.  I am relatively strict w/ my kids and, thankfully, they are extremely well behaved in public settings and seem to know when it is appropriate or "safe" to run wild since all kids need some time to run wild every day!   How do others deal w/ the inconsistencies between themselves and their friends?  I have a very, very dear friend who has fallen into the trap of not saying NO.  Her children are now in 3rd/1st grade and rule her!  So when we get together (my kids are 4th/1st grade) it's just plain awkward sometimes - mostly we watch her kids beg money/candy/videogames/TV/junk off of her while I quietly deny my own kids 99% of those "treats."  It's weird!!  A few years ago our two families went out to a family-friendly restaurant at which her two (then preschool/toddler) ran all over the place throwing salt and pepper shakers.  I was utterly dumbfounded and humiliated and could/should have done something more, but I have to admit I am not the gutsiest when it comes to disciplining other people's kids right in front of their own parents!!!!  Then again I do fear that I am too hard core - I'm very reluctant to negotiate although I know that negotiation is an important life skill that I should help teach my kids.  An article on this would be helpful.

   posted by : BBBGMOM on 11/26/2007 at 2:23 PM Flag For Abuse

3. If there's one thing I can't stand...it's misbehaved children.  I have no problem disciplining my frined's and neighbor's children in a public or private setting because I actually think it resolves things quickly as kids tend to respond differently to someone who is not their parent. It's important to let kids know right up front that what may be acceptable in their house, is not acceptable in ours. If any of my children's friends do not behave when they come over for a play date, I let my child know that they will not be invited back because they did not respect the rules of the house and I always make sure the parent knows that thier child did not behave.  This has caused some tension between some parents but there's no way I would let a 6 year old talk back to me the way that some of these children speak to their parents.  I also ask my kids before arranging playdates, "Is ___ able to follow the rules in our house and be respectful of our home or do yo think they will get too wound up to behave?"  I think it helps my own children realize that their are limits to what they can do at other households even if the atmosphere is chaos and it helps them evaluate their friends behavior.  One time we( me, my husband, 5 year old daughter, and 6 six year old son) were at a nice restaurant having dinner and the table next to us had a three and five year old with their parents.  The table looked like the kids had thrown up on it.  There was food all over the floor.  The kids were yelling at each other and the parents actually said to us, "well, this is why we don't take them out to dinner."  I thought "No, that's excatly the resaon you do!!"  If you don't teach your children how to behave and respect other people around them, then they'll never learn what is appropriate behavior.  The parents were willing to let their children ruin everyone else's dinner because they couldn't raise their voices and discipline the children in a way that showed them they were embarrassing themselves and their parents. There's nothing wrong with removing your child from a situation in which they can't control themselves.  It is definitely weird how some parents want to be their child's best friend rather than their parent.  Friends are great, but they can also get you in alot of trouble.

   posted by : StacieDale on 11/26/2007 at 3:03 PM Flag For Abuse

4. I really hate anything in the media entitled "The War on ____ ."
   You've got some great points. Can we take it down a few notches, please? Maybe, also, offer some concrete examples of the kind of overindulgence you're talking about, and an appropriate response instead of just name-dropping authors?
   Also, the TCS website is totally down.
   
   

   posted by : hanabel on 11/26/2007 at 3:24 PM Flag For Abuse

5. Finally.  I completely agree with this article, and I don't think it needs to be taken down a few notches, because unless we start talking LOUDLY about this, we really will have a bunch of baby Hueys demanding everything...Oh wait. We already do. I teach college, and I am dealing with a generation of students who don't feel like they should have to do much (if any) work to get an A in my classes. The sense of entitlement that is inherent in the "just-say-yes" parenting culture is difficult to get over, and it's not getting better. <br>   This month's Wondertime had an article title something like "Child Etiquette? Please." The author spends much of the article talking about how the rules of etiquette and behavior are overrated "hoops" that she resents that her kids have to jump through--like having to say "Please" when the kid wants a cookie. I fail to see her point--manners are the "grease" that keeps the wheels of society moving. Of course, we're using less and less grease these days, favoring our road rage and our own sense of entitlement over consideration for others. <br>   My 3 1/2 year old daughter says "Please" and "thank you" (sometimes without prompting!), and has been doing so since she started to talk, because this is what we taught her. People remark on how well-behaved she is when we go out to dinner (or shopping or whatever). She doesn't scream, throw things, or behave like a wild animal because we do not allow her to behave this way in public. She's well-behaved for the same reason my dog is well-behaved and doesn't jump on people, bark incessantly, or pee in the house: because we trained her. Firm, consistent, and kind. The same people who have uncontrollable kids are the often same ones who  have uncontrollable family dogs--ever notice that? You don't reason with a dog, do you? Why would you reason with a toddler (who, like a dog, isn't really capable of reasoning clearly and needs to be taught to control impulses)???

   posted by : katydidmama on 11/26/2007 at 4:21 PM Flag For Abuse

6. Yes, yes, yes.  We need more parents willing to say NO.  Willing to NOT be their child's best pal all day every day, willing to be a little bit disliked, for the sake of shaping a child who knows how to be civil.  Sheesh.  This is a NO-brainer.  How did we ever get here?

   posted by : Coolshoes on 11/26/2007 at 4:43 PM Flag For Abuse

7. At last!  Recognition of what I've been noticing for years.  Children with limits are much happier than those without.  I've never seen a spoiled child that seemed happy to me, even when getting his/her own way.  They are always sullen and moody.  Children seek discipline and a lot of their acting out is a cry for someone to stop them.  They don't know where the line is; they need someone to show them.  Rules and discipline make children feel more secure.  I believe in teaching kids respect for others, which begins at home with the respect that is commanded by firm but loving parents. 

   posted by : lilmissyny on 11/26/2007 at 8:53 PM Flag For Abuse

8. There are some very sound points made here. However, I think there are valid counter-arguments, and I think the hallelujahs in the feedback are going a bit overboard.
   
   First of all, think for a moment how much easier it is to say "no" over and over again than it is to explain to your child why they are prohibited from certains kinds of behavior. Do you remember what it was like to be a child and to have so many restrictions on your agency? I for one found it very very frustrating. I remember in particular being forced to play with my parents' friends' children for hours and hours on end, and having no control of when I could leave. In many cases, saying
   "no" or "because i said so" or "no backtalk" is an act of laziness on the part of the parent. There is an enormous amount that children can learn from parents who have the energy to explain to their children why rules are necessary, and there are quite a few rules that exist for the convenience of parents rather than for the protection of children.
   
   Broadly speaking, human culture has been become more cooperative and less authoritarian over the course of the last several thousand years. There has been a trend towards more leniency in punishment -- fewer hangings, less torture, and more behavior modification through positive reinforcement in addition to negative. This evolution has occurred for really good reasons: it works better.
   
   A similar evolution has been underway in the world of business management. Several decades ago management approaches in this country were much more severe; the underlying assumption was that employees were lucky to have a job. Today there is a view that (a) companies must compete to retain employees, and (b) employees perform better when they receive a higher ratio of positive reinforcement to negative reinforcement. This isn't about the millenial generation being spoiled and needing to be coddled -- this is about companies figuring out how to  treat people in a way that maximizes productivity. This is about human nature.
   
   I think the balance is somewhere in between the two extremes the author is describing. If you don't have the energy to spend more time on your child's level to explain how the world works, and to give them an opportunity to make responsible decisions between reasonable options, then just saying "no" to every other thing they say is a sensible solution. But it is possible to present options to children and represent some of the complexity of the world to them without raising obnoxious brats.
   
   
   
   

   posted by : chattydaddy on 11/27/2007 at 3:21 PM Flag For Abuse

9. Good points, chattydaddy, but that is really about older children.  You cannot reason with small children - their way will continue to be perfectly "reasonable" to them regardless of how well you explain your better judgment.  Besides, discipline/saying "no" is hardly the lazy way out.  It takes constant attention to train a child.  It is so much easier to give them their way to temporarily stop the noise.  
   I'll add a hallelujah to this article too. 
   
   

   posted by : Chiara on 11/27/2007 at 6:34 PM Flag For Abuse

10. Our son is two years and nine months, and he is extremely responsive to explanations for why he can't do things. Even when he was 18 months and couldn't really understand our explanations, the tonal shift in our voices when we explained things calmed him and made him more acquiescent.
    
    I can't say I understand the objection people are raising here to giving children options. "You have to either finish your dinner or go to your room and be by yourself." It is very effective, and it makes the household a less angry place. This is the "time out" concept -- it seems to me that "time outs" are a clear step forward in child rearing strategy. I think the writer makes great points in this piece, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater and turn the clock back thirty years.
    

    posted by : chattydaddy on 11/27/2007 at 10:37 PM Flag For Abuse

11. Right on. I know I am often perceived as a particularly strict mother but I consider "no" a most vital component of parental love -- you love your kid, you want her to have friends and be a good and upright and unspoiled member of society one day. Teaching "no" is teaching a measure of selflessness in the sense that you are showing them the world does not revolve around them. I liked the way you put it: that "no" is as necessary to a kid's emotional immune system as "yes." Crabmommy could not agree more. Poor Crabtot would probably differ on the merits of Mommy's tough ways, but am I asking her? The answer is NO!
    

    posted by : crabmommy on 11/28/2007 at 1:37 AM Flag For Abuse

12. I just want to second chattydaddy's reasonable responses.  As he said, there is a balance between the one extreme of spoiling children by letting them do whatever they want and not setting firm limits, and the other extreme of authoritarian (draconian?) rule.  It's a complicated situation, as most are, and I agree that it isn't beneficial to pretend that it can be so simple as to say "no" more frequently, which isn't to say "no" should never be used at all.

    posted by : Shink on 11/28/2007 at 7:42 AM Flag For Abuse

13. 
    For sure, chattydaddy, but I have known children who were CONSTANTLY given choices in their lives, to the point where it became very stressful for them.  That being said, the kid in question has phenomenal reasoning skills at a young age.  It's a question of balance: sometimes the best part about being a kid is that you don't have the stress of making decisions all the time.  But kids respond so well when they are not treated like imbiciles or dogs.
    

    posted by : ChrisH on 11/28/2007 at 10:50 AM Flag For Abuse

14. I like the point that part of childhood is not having to make choices all the time ... that makes a lot of sense. It seems to me that children, much like adults, are all different. Some respond very well to rules; others chafe at them. This comes down to personality differences that are probably largely genetic. I have always responded much better to the responsibility of having options (which can be stressful, no doubt) than to the confinement of rules. That makes me inclined to err on the side of raising my kids that way, but I'll have to keep in mind that my children may not have the same disposition.
    

    posted by : chattydaddy on 11/29/2007 at 3:00 PM Flag For Abuse

15. Thank you for writing this. I had an experience the other day with two children who were literally hitting my son with sticks as their parents stood by saying NOTHING. Doing NOTHING. I was shocked and finally scolded the children myself, forcing them to apologize and refusing to let go of them until they did. They looked at me in disbelief. Even then, the parents did nothing. Later that afternoon one of said moms asked her son to leave the park. "Come on," she said, taking his hand. "Don't touch me, mom!" the boy shouted. "Okay," the mother said, pulling away. It was a disgusting and sadly, classic example of what parenting seems to have become: a child-centric world where children play God and their parents follow orders.
    
    I'm afraid my son is growing during generation bully, surrounded by kids who don't know the meaning of "no". It's upsetting to me for sure. Not just as a parent but as as someone who looks to the future, hopefully.
    
    Rules are not only necessary but mandatory in a healthy parent-child relationship. Thanks, again.
    
    

    posted by : GirlsGoneChild on 11/30/2007 at 1:35 PM Flag For Abuse

16. Chattydaddy, I have three kids - two girls and a boy - and I have used the time out method countless numbers of times. I have reasoned with my kids. I also have a belt I use when the reasoning and the timeouts do not work. I have three obstinate kids, none of whom back down easily. Two of my children have received paddlings at school. One got her first paddling for having yelled at the teacher. When a child is in a highly emotional state, he/she will not reason. Sometimes a child can have the reasons explained to them and are fine. However, I have seen too often children, who, after the reasons are explained, will still throw a tantrum and want their way. In that instance, all the parent can say is a simple "no" and let it stand. I also agree with Chiara. Being able to say no and to stick with it is the hardest thing a parent can do. It's 100x's easier to say yes - in the short term. By saying no, they will begin asking why not and then they switch to telling you how many of their friends can do it, have done it, etc, and then their little minds will come up with all sort of reasons why they should be allowed to do it, or be given it, etc. They will pick at you like a hen until you say yes just to get them to go away. Been there, done it. Saying no requires a backbone and a firm will. Too many parents have neither. They're as wishy washy as a washing machine. I don't read parenting magazines any more because of there views on discipline - or rather, the lack of it. They say to distract a child when the child is getting into something. Distraction never works - if the child is smart. They just wait until you are distracted and they go right back to it. I never used distraction. I spatted hands and legs. They all knew what no meant by age 1. I'm not by any means a perfect parent. My children do back talk me at times, but they also know I mean business and no means no. They know my husband and I are the parents and they are the children.   And this thing about the leniency in punishment - behavior modification specifically, how many criminals are repeat offenders? How many of the ones hanged are repeat offenders? Children who see no consequences to their actions, the 15 years olds who ask for lawyers immediately upon arrest, do not care to modify their behavior. There is no reason to modify their behavior.  So many school systems have taken corporal punishment out of the schools that the only consequence is ISS or OSS. Both of which, especially the OSS, is just a mini-vacation from class. This is just a precursor to the criminal justice system.   I agree all the way with this article. Articles such as this ought to be posted daily until parents wake up and get the hint.  

    posted by : Tngal37 on 12/2/2007 at 1:23 AM Flag For Abuse

17. Wow. Some interesting responses her. I don't see this article suggesting not to give kids choices. But you manage those choices: you don't allow the kid to make up the choices (I want ice cream for breakfast!) or pick a choice that wasn't offered (i'm not going to wear my seatbelt.). Your example, chattydaddy, was a good one. Kids do need boundaries and they do need limits. We all know kids who have neither, and they're nightmares (and it's their parents' faults!)! But I also think you're being harsh, Tngal37. You said "They say to distract a child when the child is getting into something. Distraction never works - if the child is smart. They just wait until you are distracted and they go right back to it. I never used distraction. I spatted hands and legs. They all knew what no meant by age 1." That has not been our experience. Our daughter is 10 months old, and she knows the meaning of  "no," too - but we sure as heck haven't been hitting her. For example, since she could crawl at 5 months, she has really wanted to play with the printer in my study, which is on a shelf close to the floor. Every time she scampered over to it, though, we said "no" once or twice, and then we picked her up and redirected her curiosity. Did she try to go back to the printer over and over? Yes, but we were consistent, too. And guess what? For the last two months, she hasn't gone near the printer even once, because she knows that it's offlimits. And best of all, now when we say "no" about something else - she tried to stand up on the humidifier this morning, for instance - she immediately stops what she's doing, because the word, our tone, and her experience have all taught her that she should not continue with a behavior, and will not be allowed to do so. Like someone else said, it's a balancing act. I'm a total "no" advocate. But I don't associate it with corporal punishment in the least.

    posted by : bookmama on 1/8/2008 at 2:11 PM Flag For Abuse

18. Interesting. When I was a child in grade school, I remember being dumbfounded by the behavior of some of the kids in my school. I had one playmate in particular whose house I loved to go over to because she had a Nintendo system and we'd play Donkey Kong for hours. The standard practice for this child (her name was Natalie) when dinner was called, went something like this:
     
    "Natalie! Dinner's ready, come eat!"
    "No."
    
    
    "Natalie. Dinner's on the table."
    "I don't want dinner, I want you to leave me alone."
    
    
     "Natalie . . . "
     
    Now, I was perhaps ten, and I couldn't believe this. It would never have occurred to me, ever, in my childhood, to tell my parents 'no' to something like dinner, or any other request, for that matter. I won't say I was afraid of my parents, but I had a very healthy fear of disrespecting them. I was completely assured of the notion that there was such a thing as 'too far' and that defying them outright for no reason was going to bring the world crashing down. Now, I'm not sure why I had this belief, but I suspect that it was because, perhaps twice ever in my childhood, my dad actually did swat me on the butt - a hard slap - when I was completely over the line. I imagine there was a great deal of 'soft' discipline, but having an idea of what sort of anger my father could be roused to if I showed him that level of disrespect carried on well into my adolescence. I was as grumpy, temperamental, annoying to be around as any teenager, I lied here and there to avoid having to do things, but I would never have outright defied my parents to their face. Now, as an adult, I can defy them, but still, I take care to do so respectfully. 
     
    I don't think this was out of fear. I think this is simply because I was taught that my parents were people deserving of respect and that to be disrespectful to them was such an appalling act as to be unthinkable - thus the swat, which under usual circumstances would also have been unthinkable.
    
    
    
    

    posted by : Echo on 1/25/2008 at 2:45 PM Flag For Abuse

19. GirlsGoneChild,
     
    Maybe your three children are obstinate because you have been hitting them since they were babies.
    
    
    
    

    posted by : no hitting on 1/29/2008 at 5:14 PM Flag For Abuse

20. I don't know, I just don't see this kind of permissive parenting very often myself. More often I see the kind of parents that say "no" way too often! "No don't do this, you're going to hurt yourself. Did you hear me? I said no. What did I say? Get back over here, I said NO. N...O... means NO! When I say NO I mean it young lady! Are you listening? Blah blah blah blah blah..."
    
    My own parenting philosophy revolves more around letting the child know ONCE what I need out of him. If he does not do the appropriate thing, depending on his age, I say nothing more, I take action. Re-direction for younger children. Immediate withdrawl of priviledges. Physical withdrawl from dangerous or violent situations. It's worked well in our home and my children know I mean business! They do what they need to do and are pretty obedient, and no way do I ever spank.

    posted by : Ramona on 2/4/2008 at 11:09 PM Flag For Abuse

21. Actually, it is just a theory (the "hygiene theory") that exposure to germs leads to increased protection.
    
    The use of antibiotics and hand sanitizers is bad because they get rid only of the weakest bacteries, the ones that survive are the strongest. They then proceed to reproduce themselves, which creates colonies of multi resistant bacteries.
    
    Hand sanitizers are much less effective than regular soap and water anyway if your hands are soiled by organic matter anyway, so they sould not replace hand-washing after going to the bathroom, eating, petting an animal etc.

    posted by : Joy55 on 5/8/2008 at 11:46 AM Flag For Abuse

22. By "saying no", I think that the author meant use of the word no, redirection of behavior, and many of the other ways that a child's request can be denied. The point is that by giving our children anything and everything they want we are not doing them (or us) any favors. "No" is something that our children will hear in society and the workplace as adults, and it is irresponsible to let them find this out the hard way. Besides that, many behaviors are dangerous, unhealthy, disruptive or rude. Someone noted a change in the way corporations do business. I have noticed a change in the last few years also: while positive reinforcement is used more than in the past, a return to politeness and customer service is being stressed (and in some cases mandated) in fields where that idea is totally new, such as law enforcement.
    My children get told no. They get time outs. As toddlers they get their hads gently swatted when the reach for danger. They even get the rare spanking with a hand on the bottom. They always get an explanation for the discipline. Discipline escalates (that is they are told no and why, then time-out, then a spanking if the behavior continues.) They are relaxed, respectful, pleasant children. I am also a strong believer in naps: my toddler takes one daily. My kindergardner and middle-schooler will also take them. If bad behavior and crankyness is the order of the day, a nap is mandated. An extra glass of water is to be drunk as well. Tired, dehydrated kids are grumpy and misbehave, they are that way because their bodies don't feel good. My neighbor's preschool children never seem to sleep, drink sodas constantly, and the discipline they receive is inconsistent. Consequently they are total hellions.

    posted by : middleoftheroadmommy on 5/15/2008 at 3:06 AM Flag For Abuse

23. The people posting here that disagree with this article are exactly the types of spineless parents the author is writing about!
    
    I live in an area that is wealthy and 99% Caucasian. I am not. And there is a huge difference in the way that my daughter is being raised and the way her friends are. When those little spoiled brats come to my house they know they have rules and boundaries. I've thrown out one of her friends for using the B word in my house, after he told me in an argumentative tone "well I can do it at MY HOUSE!" So I said "That is where you need to take your butt then son!" And I kicked him out.
    
    I spanked my daughter after she mouthed off at about age 10. She told me that she would report me to CPS. I told her to pack all her things "oh wait, you didn't buy anything - all this stuff is MINE!" and I would take her down to CPS myself. I explained what a foster home was, how she would grow up in one, and what happens to foster kids at age 18. So really, was it worth it to not clean her room to end up in a foster home? She decided not and we have never had that problem again.
    
    I have observed White children cussing at, hitting, kicking, and yelling at their parents at the top of their lungs. Rarely do they tell their children "no" about anything. They want to reason, use logic, negotiate, and wheedle and whine the kids into agreeing with them. Look, I told you NO, I am the parent and you are NOT, and I set the rules. End of discussion.
    
    If you are afraid of your child (which many White parents are from what I have seen), or its more important for you to be your child's buddy, you will find it very difficult to set boundaries, limits or say "NO!" And you will, as many above pointed out, raise a brat that feels entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. Sadly, our nation's parents are raising a bunch of sociopaths.

    posted by : Ms HeartBeat on 5/19/2008 at 10:32 AM Flag For Abuse

24. My second child has what is politely referred to as a "difficult" temperament - at 17 months he is having a rather loud response to the word "no" - as my 4 year old puts it "Lukie doesn't like to be told no". We find it rather amusing as we have learned to roll with his "difficult-ness" and my husband and I have agreed that we just have to hold firm with him until he has mastered self-control and further developed his communication skills (not that we have deluded ourselves into thinking life will ever be easy with him, but we are hoping it will get easier once he has mastered a few developmental skills...). I have friends that went the "never tell your child no and they won't go through that "no no no" stage" - I understand it failed miserably and they changed tactics around age 3. I joked with my husband that our little Lukie is quite lucky to have parents who believe in setting limits and saying no because I couldn't imagine how his world would come crashing down when he goes to school and a teacher tells him for the first time, "no, dear, you need to sit down in your seat" - I guess we're doing everyone a favour by stepping up and teaching our child exactly how the world operates. (Tonight I stopped him from smashing on the mirrored closet doors with his little bus "no hitting, Lukie, danger" and he started to scream/cry so we walked away from the area and his attention quickly went else where - the poor little muffin his mommy is so unreasonable!!)

    posted by : Lisaloo on 5/20/2008 at 8:18 PM Flag For Abuse

25. This article is going to be a great topic of conversation in my house this evening.
    
    My husband and I admittedly waffle at times when it comes to limit-setting, I think that on some level after we both get home from work we want to have as relaxed and enjoyable an evening with our girls as possible. That said, being too lenient for the sake of avoiding a negative reaction from a child will only make for much more complicated and not very enjoyable evenings in the future.
    
    We try to regularly evolve our parenting skills. This means to us, in part, recognizing which limits need setting for the appropriate and complete development of our children (future contributors to society) and which we set selfishly to make our own days easier (for example, we will always enforce the "sit in your seat and use utensils at mealtime," but don't necessarily go to the matresses to have my 4 year old change the outfit she carefully selected just because something doesn't match. Unless she will be visiting my mother. But that's psychology for a whole other article).
    
    Before I really start rambling in this post, I'll end it. I enjoyed this article, it's written and researched well, and has definitely started me thinking about an important issue parents today face. Thanks for opening up this discussion!

    posted by : Corrie on 8/14/2008 at 3:20 PM Flag For Abuse

26. First, let me say that it's true- "They don't come with directions," so nobody really has the right to condemn another parenting method, and people who do are probably concealing more family "dirty laundry" than one can imagine.
    Second, Americans have been living a fat lifestyle for the last 60 years or so, so we have all been without want and have come to expect nothing but pleasure, but this may end for us all in the next couple of years, and we will all have to adjust. Any parents who coddled their babies did them a disservice, as they will have the most difficulty adjusting to reduced standards of living.
    And last, you don't have to look too hard to see the effect hollywood and other marketers have had on young minds. There really is no difference between cults and culture, you know, and the youth of today have all been brainwashed like some kind of Mansonite. This generation is especially spoiled, and considers itself to be somehow gifted because they are "technically savvy" skilled button pushers. As a returning adult student, I see this everyday. But the joke is on them, because the workworld is becoming saturated with their kind, making them progressively less valuable. Then it will be back home to mommy's bosom!

    posted by : Rich on 10/28/2008 at 10:33 PM Flag For Abuse

27. I once heard a schoolbus driver say that the problem was that too may people are trying to be their kids' friend NOW, when they should be raising their kids to be the kind of people they can be friends with in twenty years.
    
    True that.

    posted by : No one on 11/19/2008 at 12:14 PM Flag For Abuse

28. Great article!!  I love this: "It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail." I've just written an article on <a href=http://childperspective.wordpress.com/2009/02/22/because-i-said-so/>setting limits</a> that helps address ways to more effectively set reasonable limits.  I'm looking forward to checking out more of your articles!

    posted by : Emily Geizer on 2/22/2009 at 10:18 AM Flag For Abuse

29. Alfie Kohn is another author anyone interested in this topic should read, especially his book "Unconditional Parenting".  It's significantly impacted how I view my job as a parent to my son.

    posted by : addymuck on 6/10/2009 at 9:49 PM Flag For Abuse

30. I had found that I had fallen into the trap of not saying no about a year ago. What I discovered is when I needed to say no my 5yo son didn't know how to respond. He would start crying and yelling and screaming. What we ended up doing is practicing what to do when mommy said no. First,  because he obviously had no clue what to say, I explained to him that he should just say "ok" when mommy says no. I do blame myself for this. Then for the next week when he asked for something, I practiced saying no and he practiced saying ok. This was very difficult for me because I am someone who feels that you have to explain to a child why you are saying no. I have learned that there are times to explain and there are times when you just say no. Now even a year later when he starts to throw a fit all I have to do is gently remind him "what do we say when mommy says no?" and he then responds  "ok".

    posted by : sdbenfam on 8/4/2009 at 9:26 AM Flag For Abuse