feedback for "You Can Buy Love (and Should)"
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Feeling "guilty" about participating in the labor market seems a bit condescending and patronizing. If you pay your employees a fair wage and offer a respectful work environment, then you should feel proud and grateful that you make enough money to afford the services you need while contributing to the economy.
That's not to say that it's not a wonderful thing to have a big, extended family that can provide help. But that only works in societies where certain classes of people (women, young people, old people) are not valued as much and thus can't earn enough money in the free market, so they end up doing domestic work for below market wages.
It's the reality of our economy and culture.
posted by : k1 on 8/22/2007 at 2:53 PM Flag For Abuse
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I completely concur -- my associations with the word "nanny" have changed dramatically during the last 2 years of my son's life. My experience has been that most nannies grow to truly love the children they care for, much like like a close aunt or friend of the family. Think about it -- there are not many $12 per hour jobs that people do for 20 years if they don't genuinely enjoy the work
Here's how i think of it: each person that loves your child is like a jet in jacuzi of love. The more love the better. At the risk of taking a position in the "mommy wars" -- which i don't want to do, because i have great admiration for women who care for their children full time -- i think its extremely difficult for one person or two people to give a child as much love and nutritious stimulation as three or four caregivers can give. My mother was a stay at home mom, she was an extraordinarily loving and affectionate and inspiring mentor for me as a child. But she was annoyed about 50% of the time -- i don't blame her with three kids -- and it may have been better for us to have seen a bit less of her in a better mood a higher percentage of the time.
We can't help but feel some guilt, however, because it is a deviation from leave it beaver america. My fantasy is a team of 6 julie andrews (sound of music) -type governesses who make play clothes out of the draperies, teach our children to sing and let us both play with kids and continue to have a rich, spontaneous adult life. One of the many gifts i hope to give my children is a happy father (and mother for that matter!). Parents who are engaged with their children, yes, but who are also a rapt students of life. Parents who enjoy work, a rich community of friends, and the cultural era in which they live. It's not an easy proposition, and if anyone can pull it off without nannies (or some very supportive relatives) i would love to know how you do it.
posted by : chattydaddy on 8/23/2007 at 10:22 AM Flag For Abuse
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Jacuzzi of love. Ha ha.
You're asking how people without paid help or supportive relatives (and I assume friends) can engage with their children, be rapt students of live, enjoy work, have a rich community of friends and enjoy the era in which they live?
My response, I suppose, is simply to have realistic expectations about life. If you want all of the above and not be annoyed 50% of the time to boot and be well-rested and in a good mood all the time I think that there simply is not a "how". It's not possible.
It's like the software development triangle. On the three points are "Time", "Quality" and "Cost". You can have two of the three.
The baby triangle has - suprise - the same exact points. Time, quality and cost. OK - maybe change them slightly to "Activities" (time), "Mood/Stress" (quality) and "Help" (cost). You can have two but not three. If you drop help you either choose to do everything you want by yourselves and be tired and stressed and if you drop activities you basically spend your time caring for your child and sleeping/resting to maintain mood and moderate stress.
It's not perfect - but it seems to make sense.
posted by : k1 on 8/23/2007 at 3:45 PM Flag For Abuse
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you're quite right, k1, i think the time/quality/cost triangle applies well.
posted by : chattydaddy on 8/23/2007 at 8:53 PM Flag For Abuse
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...or to put it in homespun terms... there's cheap, good, and fast. Pick two.
I learned when my daughter was 3 weeks old not to expect much out of
family members. My parents left on a Baltic cruise (scheduled &
paid for before I knew I was pregnant, to be sure), my husband went
back to work, and my mother-in-law, a keen student of the clock,
ever-so-magnanimously offered a couple of hours a day a few days a
week.
Heh. Thank GOD I went back to work and found an awesome, affordable daycare.
And finally we have a couple of good sitters for occasional grownup
outings.... much much better than family, though we do accept ironclad
offers for free sitting from grandparents. Forget counting on anyone
else.
And my Midwestern side asks, "When does a 'sitter' become a
'nanny'?" I know I was disturbed by my husband's East Coast
friend calling our 4 hours/week, $40 cleaning lady a "maid." How
silly.
My motto: when you need help, it's always best to call in the pros!
posted by : jenseju on 8/24/2007 at 2:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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You only pay your nanny $12/hour? See, the reason I don't have one is because I can't afford to pay one a living wage. In Brooklyn, I don't think $12/hour cuts it.
posted by : Maujer on 8/26/2007 at 11:45 PM Flag For Abuse
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This article was really refreshing. I've had it up to here with moms who would Never Ever Actually Hire A Stranger to care for their children. I'm not blessed with many local relatives, and the ones I do have will help me out in a pinch, but certainly not on a frequent or regular basis. I honestly don't know what I'd do without Care.com-- I've found several *excellent* sitters, who my children love, who I can call when needed. My kids are now school-aged, so I don't need a nanny, but it's great to be able to go out on a Saturday night with my husband and know the kids are with a good, solid, fun, responsible sitter. It can be time consuming and frustrating finding good childcare, but honestly, it's out there. (For anyone interested, I think the site is still running a promotion-- you can get a discount on joining if you use the code CLUBMOM.)
posted by : MomofThree on 9/17/2008 at 11:58 AM Flag For Abuse
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I am a nanny. Most of the time I love it, and it can be downright fantastic with the right family. I have often thought I should write a book for parents, like "The acquisition, care, and keeping of nannies." Maybe I will!
posted by : HappyNanny on 9/10/2009 at 1:16 PM Flag For Abuse
