feedback for "Notes From A Non-Breeder: The Climb"
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hmmm such a nice walk we had... i guess if you should a granny in a wheelchair, you should have taken her with you, too...
posted by : DaintySplendor on 5/26/2009 at 12:36 AM Flag For Abuse
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i mean YOU had
posted by : DaintySplendor on 5/26/2009 at 12:36 AM Flag For Abuse
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I was also prepared to slam the writer, but I think it is pretty obvious she knows she was behaving like a jerk. Not because she planned on having a lovely hike with her friend and baby - I regularly hiked up granite rocks with a toddler toddling and a baby strapped to my chest and dogs bounding happily alongside - but because her timelines took precedence over the basic needs of a baby. Could you not have given the baby and backpack to mom and taken all the dogs and gone on ahead when you realized you were running late - you could have tied the dogs up to your friends car while she made her way more carefully down. It just shows how people, both those with and those without children, tend to get blinders on and focus totally on their own needs and requirements and not on the collective. Good for you for recognizing the error of your ways, but do not forsake the idea that a hike can be good for all...
posted by : roughandreadymomma on 5/26/2009 at 9:17 AM Flag For Abuse
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It's a great reminder of the prechild/nonchild state of being. I look back and laugh at how angry I used to get about families who took forever to load their cars and back out of a parking space I wanted. Now I know. I think even "non breeders" should be forced to care for a child for a little while, so they can learn some empathy. I congratulate this writer on doing just that.
posted by : catmom on 5/26/2009 at 12:50 PM Flag For Abuse
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I enjoyed this article - cringes and all. I was the first of my close circle of friends to reproduce. I was in my late 20s when many friends were still bar and bed hopping. One friend (the one who yearned for the hub and kids) was sweet, but the others practically ridiculed me for toting a diaper bag instead of a hot sleek purse and hitting the sack at 10 instead of 2 a.m. It's been helpful to hear them realize what I was "going thru" ten years ago as they have one-by-one had children. Self awareness, even after a botched hike and a little discomfort for all parties, is a good thing.
posted by : beeb on 5/26/2009 at 1:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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Aw, nobody but a truly good friend could recognize so clearly what a jerk you were (temporarily) being. Good for you.
posted by : another mom on 5/26/2009 at 2:53 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think it's important to note that the writer offered to help and intended to help, even if the attempt failed. So many non-breeding friends don't even make the offer. :)
posted by : anonymom on 5/26/2009 at 4:14 PM Flag For Abuse
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Very generous responses have been posted so far. Had you been with me I would most certainly have "asserted" myself by letting you know I was not willing to let you ignore my child's needs. A crying child takes precedent over your schedule, especially when the schedule is problematic because of the poor planning of the adults involved. Poor form. You are lucky to have been so easily forgiven.
posted by : babyisnumber1 on 5/26/2009 at 4:41 PM Flag For Abuse
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She knows she messed up. That's the whole point of the article.
posted by : catmom on 5/26/2009 at 6:16 PM Flag For Abuse
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Yeah, she knows now AND she knew at the time she was allowing the baby to cry out of pure selfishness. I don't know many parents who would have put up with that. I would not have tolerated it for a minute. You're running late for a meeting because of your own poor planning and you expect my child to suffer as a result? I don't think so. Thank goodness nothing was seriously wrong. For all the author knew, there could have been a hornet stinging the poor baby while she raced - at an unsafe speed - down the mountain. I stand by my original post.
posted by : babyisSTILLnumber1 on 5/27/2009 at 5:14 PM Flag For Abuse
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I have definitely been on both sides of this equation. My
husband and I took our sweet time starting a family, and I am sure there were occasions
where I acted as bad (if not worse) than the author. Mostly, I just wanted my friends back from
the miniature aliens that had abducted them!
But you really cannot fully appreciate the extent to which someone else’s
needs now come before your own until you are a parent yourself. I remember the first time I went out to meet a friend for lunch during maternity leave...I put on the only jeans that fit and just as I was demonstrating my burping capabilities to the babysitter, my 3-week old proceeded to spit-up an unseemly amount of gook all over my jeans. I had to change, but had nothing that fit...I arrived late and almost in tears to lunch. Even though my friend was visibly annoyed when I arrived because she had a meeting she had to get back for - we had a good laugh over it and enjoyed (a somewhat rushed) lunch.
posted by : Sukey on 5/28/2009 at 2:23 PM Flag For Abuse
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Yeah, I mean, no offense to the author, but her "apology" was a little short on a few things. "I misjudged it"? That's all she got? If I was your friend, I'd think twice before hanging out with you for any reason before my kids were teenagers. And yeah, don't offer to babysit so your friend can go out for a run. That would be too much responsibility. Just tell yourself you're the only one who needs a workout and your friend is just so selfless, why even offer? That's so much more convenient for you than offering and being taken up on it, and having to spend an hour with a baby alone.
posted by : tweaked on 5/28/2009 at 2:39 PM Flag For Abuse
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I kind of agree with tweaked. That was a very weak apology. Time to get a new friend.
Forget about babysitting, there's no way I'd leave my kid with her.
posted by : Melissa Andrews on 6/17/2009 at 3:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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I have to be honest - I read this from the friend's side and it made me more and more angry...well, maybe not angry, ..hurt. It brought up hurt feelings from a time when I was a new mom and my best friend's empathy/understanding/tolerance left soemthing to be desired.
But as I read on though, I've come to the same conclusion about this scenario as I did with my own life experience: frustrating as it may be...you cannot expect a nonparent to understand the dynamic...you can't expect them to empathize fully. You are now apples and they are oranges.
posted by : thatgirl595 on 6/30/2009 at 6:24 PM Flag For Abuse
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I find the reactions to this article interesting. I am also a "nonbreeder" but have worked in the childcare industry for many years. Many of these responses illustrate an interesting phenomenon that happens when one has children. Once you fall in love with your child completely, experience that selfless adoration that comes with being a parent, it is hard to remember what it was like before. It's hard to be objective. To you, your baby is the most charming, delightful, interesting little slice of life on the planet. That someone could be irritated or annoyed by them, or really just not care about their needs is completely unthinkable.
But the one thing that parents need to remember is that YOU are your child's parent for reason. You cannot expect everyone else to care. You have no right to ream people out for not caring about your child the way you do, because OF COURSE they don't. Responses such as "If I was your friend, I'd think twice before hanging out with you for any reason before my kids were teenagers"; "Forget about babysitting, there's no way I'd leave my kid with her"; and "I would most certainly have "asserted" myself by letting you know I was not willing to let you ignore my child's needs."
Because this woman was willing (momentarily) to let a child cry for a few minutes while they were heading back to the car-- and later wrote an article about how badly she felt about it-- she is now some horrible monster incapable of caring for your or any children? Honestly? Grow up.
And the statement "A crying child takes precedent over your schedule" is categorically a tricky one to make. Your crying baby takes precedence over YOUR schedule. You do not need to rope everyone into your parenting and the subtle nuances of your baby. The fact is, they might just not care. And that's okay. That's why your baby has you.
posted by : emma246 on 6/30/2009 at 6:43 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm surprised at how supportive many of these comments are. I'm a new dad, and no, I haven't forgotten what it was like before I had a child. I go out of my way not to subject people to unasked for baby photos, or ask them to babysit, or dominate hang-out time with talk about the baby.
All the situations I named above are cases in which the new parent imposes on a non-parent. And in these cases, you'd be right - I shouldn't expect others to be enamored with my little jelly-bean. But this situation was entirely orchestrated by the author. So yes, the mother DOES have a right to stop a maniac from racing down the side of a slippery mountain with her crying daughter for the author's poorly-planned and entirely selfish reasons. It has nothing to do with forgetting what it's like to be a non-breeder. If anything, the mother was understanding to the point of being a doormat. The total lack of understanding came from the author of this piece. Both her mea culpas, in the form of this article and in the form of her lame apology, show that she's STILL clueless. It's the kind of smirking, "tee hee, I'm a jerk" attitude that acknowledges that she did something unacceptable, but doesn't show any insight or remorse into why it was so bad.
posted by : malachi on 7/19/2009 at 10:44 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well, if it were my crying daughter and we were so close to the car, I think it would be best to just tough it out for a few minutes till we get back to the car and I could get her all settled....I don't know what else could really have been done under the circumstances than press on to the car at that point. I also don't get why people are acting like taking a baby for a hike is a ridiculously hazardous endeavor....but that's just me.
posted by : nataliejames on 7/21/2009 at 4:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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Both my parents were avid hikers, so I remember many, many hikes as a kid. Which, for the record, none of us kis enjoyed. My dad normally got the baby carrier duties, and if one (or all three) of us cried, too bad. And frankly, if you're less than five minutes away from the end, there's really no point in stopping, as some commentators have pointed out. The only explanation I have for some of the nastier comments is that they are not hikers, and are a wee bit wrapped up in their child's comfort. If the friend was that concerned, she could have taken the baby and let the writer go on ahead.
posted by : anno on 7/24/2009 at 5:40 PM Flag For Abuse
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Ok, granted I'm a non-breeder...but I don't really see the big deal. The kid cried for a few minutes. So what? Babies cry. Sometimes for hours.
posted by : nonbreeder on 8/2/2009 at 12:29 AM Flag For Abuse
