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Oh my, but this was beautiful.
I related to much of it... as a two mom family we get a lot of "daddy" comments from strangers. It is continually perplexing to me that in this world people can still assume that others are exactly as they are. Our son has just started babbling... when we're in public it's a constant stream of "da da da da." It makes for awkward moments. When do you correct the stranger? If you don't, are you teaching your son that there's something wrong with your family? If you do, you will have an almost constantly confrontational life.
As a two mom family we also worry and wonder about the conversation that will come when our beautiful boy realizes that others have dads and he does not.
We hear so much rhetoric about the importance of the "traditional" family and how gay marriage and single mothers will hurt children and destroy families. Yet here are these empathetic, loving, funny, joyful little people who prove them all wrong.
Truly, your words touched my heart.
posted by : anonymom on 4/14/2009 at 12:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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What a great piece - really touching. As for the assumptions - I am always offended by them...it is the absolute height of ignorance to assume you know the details of anyone else's family, let alone talk to their child about it. I also don't want to be confrontational all the time so I think I'm going to play it totally sweet and clueless...when someone asks an ignorant question like "where's daddy", I'll answer that there isn't one, but "where's your other mommy today?".We're a two mom family to be and worry about the daddy thing. Not so much the lack of one, but the societal expectations that our child will fail/be screwed up for lack of one (I think kids do fine in any of a number of family configurations, a dad isn't an absolute requisite, neither is a mom). I recently read a great book called "Raising boys without men" by Peggy Drexler. Her research confirms that sons raised by single or two-mom households do just fine as compared to kids in dad/mom households. Again, really wonderful read...there will doubtless be haters who write negative comments (how dare you be a single mom?!!!) - ignore them, it sounds like you're doing a great job.
posted by : momsx2 on 4/14/2009 at 1:42 PM Flag For Abuse
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I don't think it's the "height of ignorance" to assume something like that. When a cute little toddler is running around saying dad-dee dad-dee it's not ignorant that your first thought is that he's talking about HIS daddy and not "aww how cute. His tongue is bouncing off the roof of his mouth." It IS rude when people act like they're better than people who don't have a "perfect nuclear family".
PS. I read Storked! everyday and I love it.
posted by : Erin88 on 4/14/2009 at 2:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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thank you so much for such an honest look at single parenting. what you are doing is so difficult and i commend you for caring so well for your little boy.
currently there is a trend towards thinking that a mom or a dad is expendable but they really aren't. sure, kids grow up okay in many situations. but kids who grow up with one parent or two of one kind necessarily learn that their biological father or mother gave them up or didn't want to live with them or didn't care enough about their offspring that they would donate their sperm or egg to a friend or stranger. this is sad news and can be very damaging.
i hope you eventually meet a good partner for yourself and your son. best wishes!
posted by : gretchen on 4/14/2009 at 2:26 PM Flag For Abuse
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Very honest and touching. I know it must be really hard and in a way it sucks that I cannot offer anything else than a few words of encouragement, but it seems like you're a fantastic mother. There are many ways to raise a healthy child, certainly not only the one traditional path. It's purely his dadee's loss!
posted by : Marie-Eve Laforte on 4/14/2009 at 2:33 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think that the first couple posters (especially momsx2) on here need to chill out about the "Daddy" comments. For heaven's sake, it IS biological fact that all children have a father; regardless of what our society says a family may look like, millions of years of development have taught humans that there IS a father present on some level. If I were on the receiveing end of momsx2's future reply ("where's your other mommy?"), I'd assume that she was an obnoxious, defensive person and would have no interest in talking to her further. If she were to say, "Actually, there are two of us moms," that's truthful, not snotty, and an opening to further conversation -- and I could apologize! Please, show a little tolerance for other people's mistakes.
Though I'm not in the same position as the author, I sympathize. I always hesitate to ask someone about a spouse if I don't see a ring on the left 4th finger! But as someone pointed out above, I'd think, "Sweet kid loves his dad, because he's saying Dad-dee." It's very possible that the other mom would have apologized for her assumption had the author pointed out her mistake, been thankful that she gets a break with her husband coming home instead of having to go it alone, and, who knows?, maybe a friendship could have formed. I understand that it's painful to talk about one's child not having a father around, and that it's not necessarily our "job" to open ourselves up to strangers at any given opportunity, but I tend to think that it's not fair to judge this woman for an innocent and common mistake. How will you help people to understand that not all families are the same if you remain silent?
Best of luck to you. I can't imagine being in your position. It sounds like you are doing a great job mothering your son.
posted by : ChiLaura on 4/14/2009 at 3:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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"but kids who grow up with one parent or two of one kind necessarily learn that their biological father or mother gave them up or didn't want to live with them or didn't care enough about their offspring that they would donate their sperm or egg to a friend or stranger."
this is an extraordinarily judgmental thing to say. This is exactly the kind of ridiculous comment that people here are saying is hurtful and damaging to their families. Why would you say such a thing?
posted by : anonymom2 on 4/14/2009 at 3:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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What a nice essay. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job as a parent to your little boy. He'll be a better man because of it.
Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the human trash that wasn't man enough to step up to his responsibilities and be a father to the child he created. That little boy will surely as you note, ask about his Daddy and why he doesn't have one when his friends do. I wish you the best of luck with your response. But whatever you say, it's likely that as he matures to a point where he understands he'll be hurt.
As a man and father to a 5 year old boy myself I simply cannot imagine how someone could turn their back on another person who is looking to you. I have no respect for any man (or woman) who abandons their children. There is no excuse for it. Disgusting.
Also, to the commentors who seem offended (?) by someone asking about the father...come on...it is a fact that the majority of human children have fathers that they know...a mom (female) and a dad (male.) There is nothing rude or insensitive about making that assumption. When given the opportunity to correct them, doing so nicely will educate and also disarm them, but jeeze, it's a normal thing to assume here and everywhere else.
To the author...keep it up. Mr Loomis sounds like he's gonna be okay.
posted by : mrb1 on 4/14/2009 at 3:37 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think people who grow up with mom and dad also deal with sh*t. Life is a series of instances and people need to get over berating single moms, when, uh, hello, where's dad? He's living his life free and clear. HA!!! I had two parents, a sister and a dog. I started therapy at 17. I'm single and go through sh*t like anyone else.
posted by : girlpowerpopcorn on 4/14/2009 at 3:40 PM Flag For Abuse
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I loved this story! I was a single parent 30 years ago (yikes) and it happened to me all the time. But back then when they found out you were a single parent it was like you did something wrong. The man that fathered my son (I call him "the natural" it was the nicest thing i could think of) left when my son was 3 weeks old and I haven't seen him in over 25 years. I never said anything bad about the natural - I told my son he wasn't ready to be a parent. (well when he was real young I told him he was away at college - which was true) When my son was older he tried reaching out to "the natural" but he still was not interested in being part of my grown son's life. (that was very sad). My son was lucky he has my dad, two brothers and lots other men in his life. I went through every emotion you expressed in your very touching story (including crying behind the shower curtain). My son is now married to a wonderful women and he just had his first baby - a beautiful little girl. When I see him interact with my grand daughter I realize that I did an amazing job raising him and I was able to teach him everything he need to know about being a good man, a wonderful husband and an amazing dad.There will be times when you don't know how your going to make it through to the next day...but you will and you have some wonderful adventures ahead of you.
posted by : kimlee on 4/14/2009 at 3:51 PM Flag For Abuse
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You are doing a GREAT JOB of raising your child.
Though ther is a Da-dee in my daughter's life so much of what we feel as moms is the same: a roller-coaster of confidence highs and feeling-overwhelmed lows. I often feel like I have TWO toddlers to manage when Da-dee is not as helpful as he could be or leaves *his* dirty socks on the floor.
As for Ms. Velour, fugget about her. Truth is there's something that makes her crack too. You and your son have what you need most: love and understanding.
My feeling about your story and the stories of other "non-traditional families" who posted here is... gratitude. Thank you for making this a more interesting, diverse, and wonderful world for all of us. Yay!
posted by : Imama on 4/14/2009 at 3:51 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thanks Christine - You be doing a great job - Be encouraged - Up on;
Equal Parenting @ Ration Shed
Onward – Jim
http://rationshed.wordpress.com/
posted by : JimBWarrior on 4/14/2009 at 3:55 PM Flag For Abuse
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wow, lots of people in heteronormative relationships/families seem defensive about their families!
Look, just because there are 2-mom families out here who are mindful about dealing with uninformed, well-meaning, or just plain ignorant comments from total strangers doesn't mean that your "one mom plus one dad" family isn't just fine.
(Just like gay marriages and gay parent adoptions or conceptions do not really challenge your straight marriages and heterosexually conceived children! Us being different from you is not ABOUT you.)
As I explained to my extended family when pregnant with baby #1 - a father or a dad is a male parent involved in the child's life. Our kid has two moms, and she was conceived by a donor.
And I doubt that the donor would be pleased to be described as someone who didn't care about his offspring - he actually was a nice guy who wanted to help other couples start their own families. I am as grateful - and distant - to whoever this guy is as I would be to a blood donor after receiving a transfusion.
Kudos to the author. Think about responding to the people who make assumptions about your family with a smile and a "Oh, he doesn't have a father." (They will then realize if they have any social skills at all - "oh, she's a single mom, or a widow, or gay... yikes, I just stepped in it!")
posted by : kl on 4/14/2009 at 4:02 PM Flag For Abuse
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kl- thank you, thank you, thank you.
posted by : yes on 4/14/2009 at 4:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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mrb1: you are extraordinarily judgmental, something I hope you do not share with those children you purport to love so much. Life is not black and white and, believe it or not, there are instances where a man can CHOOSE to not be involved in a child's life and not (gasp) be a horrible person.
Having followed Ms Coppa's story from the beginning, I will say that she is an exceptionally responsible, intelligent woman who made the best of a bad situation, but there are many men who are forced into parenthood they never wanted. I am very much an advocate of a man's right to choose. If in the first three months of a pregnancy, he decides he does not want the baby, I fully think he should be able to walk away. Why are women afforded rights while men are loaded with responsibilities?
I know a man who was in this situation. A woman he was sleeping with became pregnant and he walked away. Yes, he pays her a tremendous amount of child support as well provides health insurance. He is aware that he does have some responsibility to the child, but he does not choose to interact with the child. He has two children with his wife whom he loves and cherishes and they love him dearly and do not know about his illegitimate child. I feel bad for the child, yes. But life is infinitely more complicated than you give it credit for with your black and white statement and forcing a man (or a woman) into parenthood when they do not want it is not a positive thing. A woman can make her choice without being blasted. Let the man make his as well.
posted by : NotJudging on 4/14/2009 at 4:11 PM Flag For Abuse
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I can soo relate to this article...almost word for word. But my daughter's "natural" was someone I dated on and off for three years, so unfortunately when he chose not to be in her life I was hurt, but not surprised because I knew him and his demons.
I don't regret a bit of it though because he still ended up getting the short end of the deal. He missed out on a few birthday's (she's three years old) and milestones, and is still trying to "find himself." I'm fortunate enough to be a writer just like the article author, so I work from home and my own mom is close by and has been a life-saver when I did work out of the home for a year.
Interestingly enough, my daughter's father called a few months ago and said he was "ready" to be her dad. That's still up for discussion, so I was sure to take it slow when introducing them. They are so fragile and when we're watching Noggin all day and the cartoon characters interact with and talk with their "dads," it definitely takes my breath away...still.
I was hesitant to let him in, but I chose to put her first and know that I am the strength in this equation. I had this idea that I'd just meet someone and have a dad in place by the time she was, well, around this age, but life just doesn't always give you what you want...you get what you need.
Best to the author, your doing just fine :)
posted by : thejuiceboxx dot com on 4/14/2009 at 4:23 PM Flag For Abuse
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@NotJudging: What about the man that wants to keep his baby and the woman who aborts. Man that walk away ARE NOT MEN. They give REAL MEN a bad rap. And I followed Coppa's story. Her ex does NOTHING!!!!!!!!
posted by : storkedreader on 4/14/2009 at 4:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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This is one of the most beautiful pieces I've read on this site. Your son is blessed to have such a wonderful mother.
posted by : jennym on 4/14/2009 at 5:06 PM Flag For Abuse
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"I think I'll tell JD a "Dad-dee" is kind of like Uncle Carlo (my older brother). A Dad-dee helps a mom move into an apartment..... "
Sorry, but daddies aren't just men who help you move or change diapers or any who loves you and happens to be mommy's friend or relative. It doesn't work like that. You can't just take any man in your life and slot him into that empty role. If it is empty, it's empty. I can be filled, but it's not going to be filled by every man in a child or mother's life. Uncles are uncles. Fathers are parents. There's usually a difference (though I suppose situations vary). Uncles can be great role models, and loving family members. But daddies aren't interchangable.
That doesn't mean I think a child without a father will be scarred for life or anything stupid like that. A single mother raised the current President and I think he seems like a decent chap! It's just that I don't think any mother here would accept that every woman who changed her son's diaper, read him stories or cooked for him was a mommy. It's not that simple. You don't have to do any of those things to be a mommy. And doing them doesn't make you one.
posted by : JJ on 4/14/2009 at 5:17 PM Flag For Abuse
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Not judging - when men can get knocked up, they can choose whether to have children (or an abortion). Men have a right to choose. It's called a condomn or a vasectomy. And no one ever got a woman knocked up by not taking it out of his pants. We don't suck it from the male aura!
Women are not afforded rights when it comes to child support, CHILDREN are afforded the rights. Child support is paid to a guardian for the care of the child. It is the child's right, not his mother's.
When it is their body, men can decide. If woman is pregnant, a man already made the decision of what to do with his body. The rest is really out of his control. (Excepting cases of sexual assault) They don't call it safe sex for nothing!
posted by : JJ on 4/14/2009 at 5:29 PM Flag For Abuse
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Sorry, but daddies aren't just men who help you move or change diapers or any who loves you and happens to be mommy's friend or relative. It doesn't work like that. You can't just take any man in your life and slot him into that empty role. If it is empty, it's empty. I can be filled, but it's not going to be filled by every man in a child or mother's life. Uncles are uncles. Fathers are parents. There's usually a difference (though I suppose situations vary). Uncles can be great role models, and loving family members. But daddies aren't interchangable.
Dumbest thing I ever read. Seriously.
posted by : JJNONO on 4/14/2009 at 5:35 PM Flag For Abuse
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yeah. JJ seems good at dumb statements.
posted by : NotJudging on 4/14/2009 at 5:38 PM Flag For Abuse
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Every child does have a daddy. It is just biology and very sad when humans force children to live in disharmony with their biology. I have toured several orphanages including the ones where some of my children lived. Every single child there with the power of speech called the female caretakers "Mama" and "Dada" if they were a man. Every single one. Every child instinctively knows that the male caretaker is daddy and the female is mama. Often those are their first words. Why? It is a matter of survivial to identify your parents, caretakers, endear yourself to them and be able to call to them in a crisis. So no matter how much you want to alter a child's reality or try to change their biology you just cant. They are still human. Every child deserves two parents.
posted by : Ali on 4/14/2009 at 7:42 PM Flag For Abuse
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@Ali: The deadbeat dads like the one in this essay should have stuck around. Don't chastise her for having a brother who picked up the pieces when her boyfriend bailed. Man do have choices. To wear condoms. What about all the 9-11 babies? They deserve two parents but sh*t happens. Your sentiment is very very old school. I suppose women who knock themselves up sans man are evil?
posted by : cookiecutout on 4/14/2009 at 7:54 PM Flag For Abuse
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I want to add my two cents because I found your story very touching and I admire the love and courage you are bringing to your family. Children are very adaptable. To your son, a two-person family will be the "norm". Sure, he may sometimes, even often, wish he had a dad, but he will not be short of love, and that is the most important thing.
posted by : kiwi mum on 4/14/2009 at 9:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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Christine,
It's great to see you here. I read your blog often but don't comment, typically. It's frustrating that so many people use the commenting forum to air their opinions about what's right, wrong, black, blue, what have you. Everyone's entitled to these opinions, and certainly to air them, but they so often aren't actually about the article itself. I didn't read your piece as one spouting black and white rhetoric, so I won't really comment on it in such a way. Thanks for sharing.
posted by : Black and White Shmite on 4/14/2009 at 9:21 PM Flag For Abuse
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Your story made me tear up--and that's not easy to do! It was the part about the uncle that did it. My daughter does not have a daddy (she has a father), but she has a grandpa, an uncle, and a handful of honorary "uncles". There are plenty of kids without those, but do have a lousy dad in their life.
There are worse things than having no dad around, one of them being having a horrible one who is around. I can't imagine how miserable our lives would be if he were still here. I am SICK of the commercials and PSAs that I hear and see all the time about how (basically) the children of single parents are doomed. It takes more than the presence of a warm male body to raise an intelligent happy child.
By the way, I did it all "the right way"...went to college, dated, married, got
pregnant...and still ended up with one of the biggest low-lifes on
earth. But I am confident my daughter will be just fine. I feel bad
for her because she won't have a dad (because I have a great one), but
I never feel sorry for myself (although I do have to roll my eyes at married mothers who stay at home or work part-time and complain about how busy they are). It's hard, because I was raised by both parents who are still married, and this was not my idea of what my family would be. But it turns out, it's not bad at all.
Ali-No, children do not "instinctively" know that males are dada and females are mama. These are two of the first (and easiest) sounds they make, and it's the parents that encourage the association. My dog (Daisy) has been da-da from the beginning, because I've encouraged her to keep calling her that, and not because my bassett mix resembles a male caretaker.
posted by : happysinglemom on 4/14/2009 at 10:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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My father left before I was a year old, I've never met him.
He is going to figure out one day that he was'nt wanted by his father and it's going to hurt. Arm yourself with information on how to help him get through it.
posted by : spartic on 4/15/2009 at 12:57 AM Flag For Abuse
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Beautifully written. It touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes.
posted by : anoble on 4/15/2009 at 3:10 AM Flag For Abuse
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thank you - such beautiful writing, may your bills be always paid and may your bank balance grow and the stress of not making ends meet leave you forever - your writing is too brilliant for this not to happen!
posted by : thankyou on 4/15/2009 at 4:23 AM Flag For Abuse
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I'm so glad to hear experiences like this. My daughter lives in a 2 parent household, but often says "my sister", even though she doesn't have a sister (or brother) and probably won't get one. It makes me feel bad sometimes, and I also wonder when I'm going to be asked why she doesn't have any siblings, and I'm not sure what to say.
Stories like these show that becoming parents utterly transforms us into completely new emotional beings when it comes to our kids and that it is a common human experience. Thanks for pulling the curtain back a little to help others see that we're not alone.
posted by : anon on 4/15/2009 at 10:03 AM Flag For Abuse
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@NotJudging - Perhaps you should re-read the article, my post, and then your response to it.
Yes a man can choose not to be in his child's life but he is at the very least by law obligated to pay child support to that child. It seems clear from the article that the father of the author's child has never paid child support to his kid. If he wants to walk away, fine, but only a weak, pathetic, half-man won't do the very minimum under the law.
That you would defend someone like that speaks very loudly about what you consider a "man's right to choose" to really mean. I hope the authorities find this deadbeat loser and throw his ass in the can where he belongs. Neglecting your biological children because you aren't ready to be a parent is disgusting. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the man's rights, it has to do with our obligations to the human beings we create. It also has to do with being a real man, and not a little boy who hasn't grown up yet.
And your example about your friend...if he wasn't ready to be a parent I wonder where the two other children he has came from? Good that he's paying child support, but don't try to convince me that he's just making the right choices for his life. He has three kids, you think the illegitimate one doesn't know he's not wanted but the other two are? Nice.
If that's judgemental in your opinion, doesn't really matter to me. And you can be damn sure I WILL teach my son to be a man and how to do it. Count on it.
posted by : mrb1 on 4/15/2009 at 11:21 AM Flag For Abuse
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I agree with a few other folks - stuff happens in life, it never really turns out how you expect or intend, and strength of character is what determines how you cope with it all. You sound like you have great character, and I bet your son will too. That said, I am a SAHM and I just want to say that there are a few assumptions in your article too. Namely, that those of us in 2 parent families actually have help, i.e. with lost shoes, etc. My partner is a wonderful father, he is affectionate, fun and communicative. But he's also absolutely a big kid himself - he is the one who is most likely to lose shoes, snowsuits, hats, etc. He is the one most likely to have taken all the books off the shelf and left on the floor. He is the one most likely to leave banana peels on the counter above the garbage can. It's just who he is. He also has a job that keeps him out of town for most of the week so I am the one doing everything, 24-7. On the other hand, I don't have the financial worries you and other single parents often have. But then again, I think families of all stripes have those these days. I guess what I am trying to say is, people make assumptions - that's how we operate in the world. Most people are not being mean-spirited or judgmental, it's just how our brains filter information in an efficient manner. I just wish we could all just try being a little kinder; the world can be a tough place and a little more kindness would go a long way.
posted by : hoping for sunshine on 4/15/2009 at 11:54 AM Flag For Abuse
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Christine, that was beautiful - you sound like such a good mama. Your honesty about the pressure, the guilt, the haunting- unasked questions is nice. I was in a very similar situation with my first son..and I felt like such a failure, even though I was a good mom. I look back and wish I could have let all that go - and just be proud of myself and not worry about those future quesitons. My son is five now - I'm married now - we have a younger child together, but I'll tell you, I did the best I could, got my act together, and God just worked it out.
I'll tell you something else - the biggest mistakes I've made since becoming a mom resulted from my guilt: I felt I had failed my baby before he was even born by providing him w/ a broken family from the start. I made some bad decisions during that time trying to 'fix' things. My life was so much happier when I just realized there's nothing I can do to fix the past - it is what it is, and my child will be happy and healthy if I do my best from here on out.
You said it yourself, you've changed from the irresponsible girl that accidently got pregnant - you're smart enough to stay away from guys like JD's dad, that in itself should 'release' you in a sense, from that guilt and panic.
(oh, and cut track suit mama a little slack ya'll - I'm sure that assumption was just due to him saying 'daddy' over and over, and just because her baby's dad is around, doesn't mean she doesn't have pressure and hassle and money problems and failure issues too - spoken from someone who's now experienced both types of mothering - single and w/ a husband)
that girl
http://heyyourememberme.blogspot.com
posted by : tg on 4/15/2009 at 1:01 PM Flag For Abuse
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TG, I agree that we process things quickly by making assumptions. But, as it sounds like you've experienced, when your family is outside of the hetero-normative one-mom, one-dad type, those assumptions are hurtful. Not because anyone is being malicious or mean-spirited, but because it begins to make you feel invisible. When you never see your family represented positively on TV, in the news, in movies, etc, it can be very isolating.
I once heard someone use this analogy: say you wake up in the morning and get out of bed and stub your toe. Then you're one your way to work and you bump into something and hit the same toe. Then you get to work and someone accidentally steps on your toe. Then, a few hours later someone else steps on your toe. By the time that person does it, you might think "STOP STEPPING ON MY TOE!" And you might even say it. And you might say it not very nicely... because your toe really, really hurts. Even though it was an accident, and even though that person has no idea that you hurt your toe earlier. It can be the same for folks who live in the minority. Though the person saying something dismissive or not very inclusive doesn't mean anything, the impact they have is damaging.
Assuming that everyone is like you is the privilege we have when we're in the majority. Which is why we should all be better about thinking before we speak and questioning our assumptions. And hopefully encouraging our children to do the same.
posted by : thinkaboutit on 4/15/2009 at 3:09 PM Flag For Abuse
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She wasn't ASSUMING everyone was like here - she believed the child had a daddy at home because he kept saying "da-dee" in playgroup and his mom didn't explain otherwise, so what would you think? Come on.
I get the analogy about the sore toe - but here's the thing - that sore toe is your own baggage - it's your own hypersensitive issue, yes, somewhere down the line it was caused by another - but allowing it to be a constant hurt is YOUR fault. And shouldn't be unfairly dumped on another who has done nothing to you.
posted by : tg on 4/15/2009 at 4:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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This is a nice well written article.
My only feedback is to encourage the author to tell the velour mom. I relate more with her through circumstance than the author, but that's not to say that I don't get it at least a little, or understand and respect the fact that families come in all types. Velour mom is trying to be nice and friendly. It doesn't have to come out as tossing it in her face, but next time it happens a quick, "it's actually just JD and me, I am sure he picked up the word 'daddy' from his buddies here".
posted by : April C on 4/16/2009 at 6:15 PM Flag For Abuse
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After dating my boyfriend for 4 years or so I got pregnant - not something I wanted. But I also owned up to it and carried my child. He badgered me for months to have an abortion then when he figured out I wouldn't he ran away. He came back around the time I was due. I had my son a month early though - and simply put, having my son with no emotional support sealed the deal - I didn't need a weak man in my life.
The two of us were a happy family - I changed my life to accommodate my son. I worked just enough to give him what he needed and spent the rest of my days with him.
I met my now husband when my son was 5. My son is now 11. He sees my husband as his father and no one questions it at this point. Some men will never make good fathers - others will be the dad even when the child is not theirs.
As for child support, by all means, get it if you can. It isn't a lot but it helps. I did not take my son's bio-dad to court till my son was 7. My husband pointed out gently that I was denying my son what should be his. The state forced him to take a DNA test and that was it, then I got a decree in court. Oh did he argue how it wasn't his kid till that test came back. Ugh. We have taken the money my son gets and tucked it away - for when he is older - into a further education fund.
As long as there is love in a family, that is all that is needed for happy children. Don't worry about being a single mom - only small minded idiots care that your child is out of wedlock. And most of all.....don't worry. As your son gets older only tell them the minimal they need to know - and keep it simple. Most kids are fine with that.
posted by : frommyexperience on 4/17/2009 at 1:30 AM Flag For Abuse
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thinkaboutit - please, give me a break. Your victim mentality is what keeps people wallowing in self pity. Feel sorry for yourself and your big toe and get over it. Develop a thicker skin so you can stop over analyzing everything people say, and meant, or didn't mean, and intended, or didn't intend, or whatever. There are good people and bad people, ignorant people and politically-correct-to-a-fault people. And there is real evil in the world, and saints and angels. And real problems, too. Someone mistakenly assuming your child has a living breathing participating daddy in their life when they do not is not really a huge problem unless you obsess it to death until it becomes one. Give your toe a big kiss and get over it. You're the one with the problem, own it.
posted by : lifegoeson on 4/17/2009 at 2:20 PM Flag For Abuse
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anonymom2: i didn't say it to be hurtful and it is not a rediculous statement at all. it is a statement of fact. the adoptive parent(s) can provide a lot of love but it doesn't eradicate the fact that there is a biological parent out there that didn't want to be with their child. this is tragic in situations with the birth mother/father was too young or too poor to care for the baby and is negligent in situations where the birth mother/father gave up their child by choice.
there are many, many people out there who are haunted by their abandonment by their birth mother or father. there are many blogs on the topic. a friend of mine is an adoptee and the fact that her birth mother gave her up for adoption is a driving force of her life.
it is a sticky topic these days because the focus is on providing children for those who want them but can't have them naturally. it is a painful to not be able to have a child, for sure. so, a woman who has a baby for another couple or donates an egg is seen as a hero but, from the perspective of the child, he or she had a mother who gave him or her away to other people.
posted by : gretchen on 4/17/2009 at 3:18 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thank you so much for this article, I am best friends with a single mom who has a 22-month-old son. I have seen her strength and (most of the time ;) ) composure, as she deals with day to day life as a single parent (who owns her own business, no less!).
Her son has recently started being aware of other kid's daddies. Every time he sees a man with a child he goes "Look! Look! A daddy!!!" and gets very excited. The other day at the mall he saw a man carrying his 4 year old daughter around on his back, and got sort of a perplexed look on his face. That night when I picked him up he said "No, on back!" He knows that there is a difference between mommies and daddies, and it's starting to hit him that he just doesn't have one around as often. Luckily she has a few close male friends that are ready and willing to fill in for "male role model of the year." And when he's older and asking questions, we will tell him that his dad wasn't ready to be a grown up yet, but that it's alright because there are so many people in his life that love him.
Again, thank you for the article-I was crying not even halfway in-and best of luck to you as you go through this journey. Just remember the Jewish proverb: “God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers.”
posted by : gratefultears on 4/19/2009 at 2:42 AM Flag For Abuse
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Wow. You are a total stumble for me, started by Glenn Beck on the radio this morning interviewing Brian Sack. This great chain of events led me here, and I am thankful for it. You're a great mama, and JD is one blessed kiddo. I'm going to buy your book rather than get it from the library. Good for you for making the right choice...I'm not a single mom but I could have been given the circumstances surrounding DD's conception. Frankly, I could have not been a mom at all, and now I has the babies. My very best wishes to you and JD. (((HUGS)).
I do also feel you're a bit hard on the matchy track suit mom...how was she to know? That her reality does not match yours is no reason to condemn her.
And to all you posters going on about choice, etc., here's my 2 cents...you make the choice to have a baby when you make the choice to have sex. Here's a shocker for ya...sex often leads to babies.
posted by : WaltzingMtilda on 4/28/2009 at 11:09 PM Flag For Abuse
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(hugs)that sounds hard, but this is an example of what an adult does. Takes care of the small, the vulnerable. Takes responsibility.You are doing the best you can in a hard situation - and to even acknowledge that it's not all "warrior mom" is a hard thing to do, but important - if you want to stay sensitive enough to help your little boy when he does have that conversation with you.May God bless you and give you wisdom as you raise your little one..
posted by : mamazee73 on 6/22/2009 at 5:06 PM Flag For Abuse
