Babble

Oh, no, Madonna. You didn't . What did Oscar the Grouch ever do to you? Source

Okay, so: Britney and Madonna took the stage together the other night, which, you know, is cool and all, but damn . What happened to these two women? Britney, for once, looks young and healthy and pretty (even if her outfit is more Las Vegas Caterer In Hammer Pants than Hit Me Baby One More Time ). This...

You know, there's this Madonna: And then there's THIS Madonna: I don't think that I could tolerate a playdate with either of them. The first, because she looks like she maybe - just maybe - writes those books with the blood of young virgins, and the second... well, the second because if I...

And, no, it wasn't because of his height, which would probably be the only obvious point of comparison, but whatever. Madonna thinks that Tom is like the orphans because he, like the Malawi orphans, gets a quote-unquote raw deal . She told New York magazine: "I think he gets a raw deal, just...

Madonna and were husband Guy Ritchie finally seen in public together, doing something couply (in this case, going to a cafe, which, I don't know about you, my husband and I do ALL THE TIME. Leave the kid, get dressed up, go have coffee. Because why go have dinner and/or get liquored up when you can...

...named Gwyn. Seriously, when I first looked at this picture, I couldn't tell them apart. Apparently they're now frequenting the same gym, having dinner together... you know, mom-dating . Which wouldn't be creepy at all, if it weren't for the fact that it looks like they're morphing...

What's with Madonna and all these creepy black outfits that she's wearing on the covers of the 'Green Issue!' editions of what seems to be every freaking magazine on the newstand these days? I mean, is she in mourning for the Earth? Is she supposed to be Mother Earth, The Creepy Old Widow...

Seriously. Why does she keep putting on those fugly skimpy leotards and trying to be Rihanna? I mean, come on. She's, like, almost fifty or something, isn't she? Which makes her a bit more like a Earth Grand mother than Earth Mother , so why not put on a robe or something? Not that she's...

That, or she's going for that much-admired Cat In The Hat look, perhaps in preparation for one of those evil Dr Seuss abortion protests . I prefer to think, though, that she's impersonating Justin Timberlake. Which, you know, is probably the more disturbing of those two scenarios, if only because...

So this is what bodyguards are really for - they're toy-goons-for-hire! Better than miniature soldiers or Transformers or Tickle-Me Elmo: get your own Tickle-Me-Bodyguard! With removable pants! Makes My Bodyguard look like a gross waste of good bodyguard play-power. I wonder if Madonna has to pay...