Babble

My 4 month old just started day care a month ago. He's been pretty good, but these past couple of days, he's been crying alot until they pick him up and hold him, and then he's fine. Since they can't hold him all day long, what can we do to help ease him into some independence? When we're at home, my husband and I respond to him when he cries (I thought we were supposed to - so he can learn to trust us, and that there's no such thing as spoiling an infant). But at the day care, it's a different story. Any suggestions?

Your 4-month-old is too little to understand anything other than wanting a little comfort. My guess is that your baby wants you or your husband (not to guilt you at all about day care...) He's little and he'll grow out of the crying stage.

 I would think that a daycare that accepts infants as young as your son should be equipted to handle a crying baby. Perhaps you should find a better daycare provider that has better expertise with infants as young as your son.

Also, it's very likely that your son sleeps most of the time at daycare. If they are feeding him on a regular schedule, he should be taking quite a few naps while there, so he can't be *crying all the time*.

Aw, poor baby!  He's crying because he misses the comfort and security of being held!  He's only four months old and he NEEDS that right now, doesn't matter who it is as long as they have arms and a lap.  If he has been fed, has a clean diaper, and something to look at/play with, he should be fine for short periods of time, but a four-month-old baby does need to be held A LOT.

Do you know the ratio of caregivers to children at your daycare?  If there aren't quite enough caregivers to go around, it's inevitable that your little man will be on his own from time to time and maybe he's not ready!

I agree that your daycare provider should be able to handle a baby who cries.  What if he were colicky?  If they have someone there who is familiar with babywearing, perhaps they could try that?

yes, he was fine for those first couple of weeks. He was feeding and napping regularly and they mentioned how great he transitioned and all that, but lately he won't let them put him down without starting to fuss. He's had a runny nose and some coughing lately, so I think that may have alot to do with it.

But I was just wondering if there was something we should be doing at home to help him learn a little independence now that he's getting a little older. It just breaks my heart to think of him crying and not getting the attention that he needs!

thanks for the response. yes, the ratio is 4:1. I know there are other day care centers out there that are 3:1, but unfortunately that one costs $100 more per week! UGH! I wish we could afford to stay home with him! This just breaks my heart!

Anonymous:

But I was just wondering if there was something we should be doing at home to help him learn a little independence now that he's getting a little older. It just breaks my heart to think of him crying and not getting the attention that he needs!

Babies cry. It's good for them to cry. He's communicating. He's also very young and probably just realizing who his parents are and realizing that his caregivers are not mommy or daddy. It's a natural thing. He's in a different environment and probably just realizing it as well.

His cold probably does have something to do with it. But you shouldn't change your behavior at home just so the people you are paying to care for your child don't have to deal with him crying. It's a natural occurance, and other babies have done the exact same thing. You have nothing to feel guily about! He's probably getting enough attention, he just wants his mommy and daddy. Totally normal behavior if you ask me.

You are so right. And I agree, we shouldn't change a thing just for them. He's a very happy kid when he's home with us.

Thanks, I feel a lot better.

I completely understand how hard it has been for you to leave your son in daycare.  My son started daycare at 5 months but we had the opposite problem.

Staff gave him tons off attention b/c he was the only baby in the room. (the other children were  close to a year and were ready to move to the 1 year old room).  But b/c of this attention, he wouldn't take naps unless someone rocked him and he would only stay asleep if someone was holding him.   This made things much more difficult at home as Charlie expected to be held constantly and he wanted us to provide ongoing entertainment.  Plus naptime & bedtime was impossible as he wouldn't sleep in a crib.  At first on weekends, I had to be on the go all day, just to ensure that he would get a nap in the car or in his stroller.  After a while, that got old and I maintained a fairly consistent weekend schedule which he adapted to. 

I'm not sure what can be done at four months to encourage independence, but I do know that as he gets older and mobile the independence will come naturally.  Your son might be overly tired at daycare because it's been my experience that babies don't nap as well in the infant room b/c of everything going on, which would make him more cranky.  We had to wait until our son was completely mobile before he started napping at daycare out of shear exhustion. 

I think you are on the right track by remaining consistant at home.  Babies are very smart and he will adjust to the 'home' routine and the 'daycare' routine.   Keep in mind it's going to be harder to be confident about your daycare choice when you have guilt about sending your child there.  

it's so hard. is the day care near your work? is there any way you can visit him in the day - any at all? it might really help. you wouldn't have to do it forever. once they get mobile they tend to branch out.

OMG that is so interesting that you bring up the point about not being able to nap well while he's there... when we pick him up, he instantly falls asleep in the car and easily sleeps for about 2 hours. So, he must be tired and cranky. I know I would be -- it is chaotic and noisy there, with the crying and obnoxious toy sounds.

I appreciate all the advice I've received so far. He's already showing some independence, now that he's gained his hand-eye coordination and starting to become interested in toys and everything else around him. He's grown and developed so much in just these four months, I'm sure he'll keep up at that pace and will be crawling and running around in no time!

In response to the above post. You must not ever have been a childcare provider! I am a reigsistered child care provider in my home wich means I have the training, qualifications, and expieriance to handle all sorts of childrens needs and challenges. I currently care for a six month old infant who was cryong non-stop if she is not being held. So I was holding her for several hours to the point where the other children were not getting as much attention. I felt the infant was overwhelmed but as per the mothers request she did not want the baby on a regular nap routine. Because of this the infant was choosing when to sleep. Sometimes she was only taking a 30 minute cat nap in 6 hours of care. I since have convinced the mom to permit a regular nap schedule and the baby is happy and thriving with a 50 percent reduction in "holding time" this is better for her because she is now enjoying tummy time and will soon be crawling =)

 Also, NEVER underestimate a childs ability to reason and learn at any age! Trust me!

Claire

Babies have an increadable ability to adapt and learn. At four months a baby SHOULD be able to have times of independant play and be able to start self calming. A baby that is held all the time will WANT to be held all the time and if crying gets him what he wants he will cry to get what he wants. As a mother of a special needs children, typical children, foster care provider and day care provider I have certainly had my share of experience and understand both sides. As a mother you want to nurture and care for your child and nothing feels better than holding your newborn and dote on him....but it feels REALLY good to also be able to say that my children, even the ones with extraordinary needs, were able to put themselves to sleep when laid in their cribs and to have daily periods of independant play. It is normal for a baby to cry to communicate his needs until he is able to verbalize them, but a baby that is wanting 100% one on one attention and is not happy unless he is held at this age (over 4 months) is only doing what he has learned to do at home, cry until he gets picked up. Routine is extremely important and regular and consistant naps. If all of babies needs have been met it is fine to let him cry for short periods of time (15 minutes)....with consitancy, at HOME and at daycare your baby will start to learn the skills he needs to entertain and amuse himself and be a very happy boy....and he will probably meet his developmental milestones fast as well. Let's face it, how is he going to learn to roll over, sit up, crawl, etc if he is being held or carried all the time, and when he learns to do those things, do you think he is going to want to be held all the time? I don't know any daycare that can hold a baby all day. I am caring for a screamer who is held all the time at home right now and she has a VERY hard time coming to care after the weekends....her parents hold her all weekend long because she is in care for 60 hours/week. Do I blame them for wanting to hold her for the two days they actually get to spend with her? No, but it DOES make it harder on her when she can not be held because she is not the only child here. You might not want to have compassion for the caregiver "that is getting PAID to take care of the child" but you should realize that you are (probably) paying that caregiver less than minimum wage (I get about $2.00 or less and hour) so they are probably NOT doing it for the money, but for the love they have for children.

I am a childcare provider.  It has been my experience that infants do require alot of care and attention.  In a cchildcare setting there may be more than just one baby.  He may be on of  3-4 infants.  Parents and proviser should work together to develop a plan for care.  Parents and provider should  form a partnership  in this effort.  The temperment of some babies may be the cause of them having more difficulty than other babies to adjust to a new setting.

 I encourage childcare providers to know their limits. To not allow an infants to become too stressed.  There may be a chance this infant will need a smaller setting to meet his needs.  I recommed   prents to really research the care provider.  Spend time in the seeting after you decide to place your infant with the care provider, try to trust them.  trust that they are making the best judgement call for you baby.   Most of us really try to do a quality job for the children  and families we serve.

By the way, not all babies sleep all day.  Some babies do spend quite a bit of the day crying.  This is an indication that they are not ready for this kind of setting.  Maybe the setting is to stimulating for them.  It could also mean that the provider may need more supoort in her program.  Be sure to ask about staffing ratios.