Babble

Generally, I have no problem when I see a nanny disciplining a child. Usually they are gentle and to the point. I have never encountered a problem so severe that it left me wondering if I should or should not intervene, until now.

 A child I know has a bit of a biting and hitting problem. This child is under two but old enough to know that his behavior is not acceptable. The problem is, in order to show the child that hitting is not good, the nanny hits the child. Not in a hard way, but I did hear it, and the child was upset by the hit.

Now, I know others have used the see-you-don't-like-it-very-much-when-I-hit-you way of teaching kids not to hit or bite (my own father used this technique on my sister and had amazing results -- it only happened once.) But I'm of the school of thought that you never, ever strike a child.

 Here's my dilema: The nanny is a wonderful caregiver. I really like her. But should I tell the child's parents about the hitting? If I do, will I be stepping on toes? It's quite possible that the parents condone this type of lesson and if I say something will it look as though I am attacking their parenting style? If I don't say anything, am I allowing this child to be hit?

I find myself in the middle of a very difficult situation. If I were the parent, I would want to know and take the appropriate steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again. But since I don't know the parents very well, should I keep my thoughts to myself?

Any suggestions?

You absolutely must say something ... there is much more harm that can potentially come out of not sharing with the parents than sharing with them (i.e. the nanny's behavior escalates and greatly affects the child, while the parents remain oblivious). I’d approach the subject directly, and with real curiosity, eliciting their advice / feedback on what has worked for them when it comes to dealing with biting  / hitting, while mentioning that you noticed that their nanny responded by gently hitting back -- were they aware of that? Most importantly, ask yourself what you would want if it this were your child.

Have you considered asking the nanny?  You say that she's a wonderful caregiver, would it be possible to say something like "It really disturbed me to see you hit XX.  It doesn't seem in tune with your usual style, and XX was obviously upset by it."  See where the conversation leads. 

There were a bunch of nannies involved in my upbringing, and I recall being spanked by them.  I don't recall being spanked by my parents, but that doesn't mean it never happened.  My parents felt - and I agree - that the person on the ground has to provide immediate discipline.  "Wait till your parents get home" is a crappy strategy. 

Nannies aren't superhuman or super-patient.  They get frustrated with kids just the way parents do, and they occasionally lose it.  Sometimes, they get really sick of being hit, kicked and bitten and they opt for drastic strategies to preserve their sanity.  If this woman was not a paid caregiver and you watched her slap her kid, you'd want to know if she was okay.  That's a question worth asking.

You may still want to talk to the parents, but try asking the nanny some questions first. 

Thank you for all the advice. Sadly, I didn't have the opportunity to use any of it. The nanny in question had to leave due to an illness in her family and I never had the chance to talk to her. I haven't seen the parents in a while and feel like it's pretty moot at this point to bring it up.

I am an English nanny, nineteen years old and working in America. I am in charge of two boys, ages 7 and 9, and I am responsible for disciplining them. I am a firm believer in frequent and thorough spankings, administered to the child's bare bottom in the privacy of his bedroom. I only spank when calm.