Babble

My own parents are great folks and did a great job of raising me, which is why I am the indisputably wonderful person I am today.  But my wife and I have, of course, made some choices about our own children that differ from the ones my parents made with me and my sister.

Two come to mind.  The first is that we are not presenting Santa Claus as a real person.  They were troubled by this, and when pressed, I told them that I was so hurt when my mother told me "the truth" that it wounded me deeply, and that I remember that painful moment more than the fun of a real Santa.  The second was on the circumcision question.  They didn't disagree with our choice to leave our Lads foreskinned and all, but they were curious about our reasons.  I explained my research and some of the negative things I'd learned about circumcision.

My question for you all is, how do you deal with these things with your parents without making it sound like you're condemning them?  In both of these cases, I felt like my parents were hurt, since from their end it seemed I was implying they'd chosen badly, which was not my intent -- I just had grown to have a different view.  I want to be able to discuss my own parenting experiences with them, and even get advice, but can I do it without hurting them? 

We're doing things WAY different around here, LOL.

First of all, both my husband and I were raised by Christian families (mine Catholic, even), but he is agnostic and I'm an atheist with pagan tendencies. So, right out of the gate, things are very different.

I was 18 and 21, respectively, when I had my oldest children. I followed a lot of what was social norm when it came to how I raised them and what I taught them, in the beginning. My son (13) is circumsized, to my now-horror. If this baby is a boy, he will not be circumsized...which will make him different from both his dad and his brother, but in tact.

 We're pretty relaxed about language in our house. The theory being that the only bad words are words spoken with hateful, harmful or mean intention. Given that, the word "Cake" can be a bad word. So, it isn't a bar of soap in the mouths of the children if they express themselves with a traditional "curse" word or two. Very unlike both of our upbringings...We have taught them how to be respectful of others' discomfort, though, and my children are polite and watch their language around those who would be most scandalized--grandparents, etc.--although my mom doesn't seem to flip out too much if she hears my son utter a "Damnit" in the background of a phone call.

 
I was raised by my father--a bigot, racist ass--and our household embraces all people of all shapes, sizes, colors and credos. I was taught that homosexuals and "blacks" were inferior to me, but you can be assured that a) I don't believe that crap, and b) I would NEVER teach my children that they were better than anyone because of gender, sexual preference, skin color, etc...

Lots of differences for me...luckily, I have nothing to do with my father, so I don't have to suffer his incredulity.
 

**Adding--I realize I didn't answer your question. But I'm super-sick and on medication, so that's my excuse for overlooking the point of your post.

When my head clears, I will  do my best to answer...

Yeah, we're having some issues, too - my husband's parents are more different from us, but we're having more issues with my mother (difficult personality, ya know). My in-laws are very diplomatic and very quick to point out themselves that things are different now, though they definitely do not agree with everything we're doing. They are also more likely to ask what we're doing, rather than telling us. It's pretty easy with them, really.

My mother, now that's a can of worms I prefer not to open.... we try to take her as she is, and do our own thing, even if it means telling her directly that we don't want her to do x, y and z. Diplomacy does not work on her at all, and if it's something important to us, we stand up for what we want. She thinks that she's a great mother (and I happen to disagree) and would want us to do everything the same way she did with me and my sister - which is not happening. It helps that she lives on another continent :)

It's a good question, but I really don't think there's any one answer. So much depends on their personality and on your's, how close you are to them, how often you see them, what the issues are, etc, etc.

Just be ready for your kids to do the opposite of what you are doing, too.....

Good luck to you :)

 

Unfortunately, I think that whenever we resist what our parents taught us, they see it as rebellion. My husband is a great daddy and I credit his parents for this. That said, I was raised Catholic but before the birth of my son I converted to Judaism. My mother has accepted this decision, but in her own little ways is trying to maintain the traditions I grew up with. This past year she sent us an Easter basket for our little guy and I'm waiting for her to send us something with Santa Claus on it. I suppose it's what she knows, but I'd appreciate her actually trying to learn about what our family traditions are. I guess what I'm trying to say Peter is, parents are parents, they did the best that they could do given the resources they had at the time and now we're doing the same thing.

I have the same problem with my sons grandparents. Hes only 6 months old and they want to feed him "our" food. With all the research ive done. I dont want him to have "our" food. I want him to eat baby food- until the time is right. They always push me and feed him "little tastes".Because "its not going to hurt".  Its so annoying. Ive already hinted to them i dont want them to do that. Is there another way to tell them with out being blunt and rude. I dont want them to think im a crazy protective mom. But at the same time i cringe everytime they let him "taste" something other than his baby food.

I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law, but when she told me recently that she would get my 2 year old daughters ears pierced, without my permission, if asked by my daughter in the future, I told her in no uncertain terms that the consequences of that action would be dire.

What I want for my children comes first....what my parents and in-laws want for my kids comes second. I know thats easier said than done, but by putting the kids first, I find it easier to deal with any fall-out from the family.

 

Wow - I never realized how lucky I am that my parents' emotional well-being has very little to do with how I live my life as an adult and how I am choosing to raise my child.  They may not agree with everything we are doing, but I will never ever hear a word about it, and that's how it should be, I think.

The in-laws are not exactly hands-on grandparents, so there is little interference there as well.  If anything, my husband's siblings are the ones with the Judgy McJudgerson attitude toward us, since they all have kids already and we're on our first one.  So of course they all know exactly what's best and I have to do a lot of "thank you so much for your advice, but this is what we're going to do."

 That's a sentence I think every new parent should just repeat over and over and over until people get the idea.

Practice this conversation:

Interloper: You should/should not do xyy.

You: Thanks, I'll take that under advisement.

Interloper: No, I mean REALLY, you HAVE TO/CANNOT DO XYZ.

You.  I heard you, but I've thought about it and I plan to take another path.

Interloper: Don't you trust/beleive/love/respect/care about me?

You: Yes, but its my child and you need to BACK OFF.  Would you like a glass of wine/beer/ vodka?

I hadn't given this subject much thought as I always knew that the way I was going to raise my son would be different than how I was raised. Not that my parents did a bad job per se... just that there are a few key moments in time that I really wish they had done things different. No offense to them... I realize that they have always done the best that they could with what they had and they always loved my sister and me.

But back to your question... I didn't realize how much it would bother me that my mother and I disagree! The first time this came up was when my son started going through a phase where he would hit people in the face. He really didn't know any better, but at the same time, I thought that it was time to start letting him know that his behavior was inappropriate. He's a little too young to reason with and regardless of your feelings on the matter (I really don't want to turn this into a discipline issue), I felt the need to give him a hard tap on the hand every time he did this followed by a sharp "NO!" (not yelling... I just wanted him to know that I didn't approve). Anyway, the first time my mother saw me do this it REALLY upset her. She got totally freaked out and started crying and told me that I was abusing my son. To make a long story short, I did my best to calm my hysterical mother and I explained to her that I felt the need to teach my son how to behave and that I wasn't hurting him... just giving him a negative reaction for what he was doing. Eventually we agreed to disagree, but I explained to her that while I valued her experience and her advice, I am the parent here, and it is up to me to raise my child how I see fit.

I'm pretty sure that I still offended her, however, we're still able to discuss parenting issues and my child no longer hits people in the face. So... I guess this is as good as I can expect it to be, right?

Its such delicate terrain. 

I'm an expat and accordingly, my parents are much less of an issue than my in-laws (who live within a mile of us).  I love and appreciate everything my inlaws have to offer our children, but its not so much that my MIL is "hurt" by our differences as much as she simply refuses to aknowledge them. 

My 4.5 year old, who has always had sort of shaggy-dude hair, came home with a 1950's super-short bowl cut not too long ago.  I cried for a half an hour.  I thought, how will people KNOW that we are post-modern city dweller hipster parents with this haircut!!!   We also had him almost off of a bottle when we moved to London (he was 15 months) and to this day, he will have a bottle when he sleeps at my MIL's house.  At this point, I cringe when I see a bottle in his mouth, he is way too old - my MIL will simply respond, oh, my kids used to make their own bottles!!   Oy! 

Anyway, where there is dissension she will always choose her own path (furtively or not) and fortunately she is a great grandma and I am a conflict avoider so we have come to blows only once. 

Peter~ I am writing from the other side of this situation as the "Nana" of a 1 year old grandson (my only child's first child). What's ironic is that I probably share more of your parenting views and my daughter your parents! I was very upset when they had him circumcised and are raising him with some pretty strict stereotypical (read "sexist") gender roles. What I hope we can all keep in mind though, is that we all want what we think is best for the baby. And I think it is true that many of us grandparents (grandmothers especially) see our new-parent children's choices as a referendum on our parenting. But it doesn't have to be that way. What I tried to convey to my mom when I made different choices, is that I know that she did the best she could and thought was right at the time and in the life-situation she was in, with the information (or ignorance) that she had. Whether I agree with my daughter's choices on certain aspects of C's rearing, or not, I do know that she is doing the best she can and thinks is right, in the life-situation she's in, with the information (or ignorance that she has). So did I, I think so do we all. So, I'd make sure your parents understand that. The general notion of cultural evolution plays a part, as well. We have more information now for example, about the painful experience of male genital mutilation, more information of it's dangers and in-necessity, etc.. I do get frustrated as a grandparent~ how many books these days seem to denigrate the knowledge and even some wisdom of those who came before us (esp. Dr.s Sears books). There isn't a generation yet that has perfected parenting! And each new one can hopefully remember and hold on to the good aspects while letting go of the not-so-good ;) The problem comes when we think everyone will agree on what those are! One of the nicest things my mother ever said to me was that she thought I was a "better mother than her". Wow! But I'll spend the next generation trying to live up to her legacy as a "Grandma." I hope you can help your parents understand that your intent is not to hurt them but to do best by your child. That's the intent. But you can never know at this point, if your child would've wanted~ in the end~ to enjoy "the magic" and have some let down, or never to have experienced it at all. Most of us do not have major trauma discovering that Santa isn't "real" (though my mother never admitted it, and we all got stockings from Santa until she died!). Peace, Catherine7755