Babble

Has anyone found a good way to handle the subway as a pregnant woman?  For the first three months of my pregnancy, I was really nauseated when standing on the subway -- but I wasn't showing, so I considered standing my cross to bear and I just sucked it up.  Now I'm nearly five months and definitely showing.  NOBODY on my morning commute offers me a seat.  Literally, it's happened twice.  Even worse, people shove in front of me to get a seat -- today it was a man in his 50s who almost knocked me over to sit in a disabled seat and do his crossword puzzle.  The problem is I feel like I get so angry in these situations that I want to say something, but that just makes my blood pressure go through the roof, and that can't be good for me, right?  Help!

I completely share your irritation! The same exact thing happened to me when I was pregnant and the only people who ever gave me their seats were other women. I got angry too, but you are right, it's bad for your health to get mad.

Once you have a baby, you'll experience the best and the worst that city dwellers have to offer. Some people will gladly hold doors for you or help you down subway stairs, other will push in front of you or slam doors on your baby.

I don't think that people change their attitudes if you are pregnant, have a baby or not, I think we just become more sensitive to it.

My only advice is to breathe deeply and know that karmic retribution will bite the offenders in the butt one day very, very soon.

The same happened to my cousin, up until she had the baby.  If she didn't say something I would, loudly.  Be polite, and loud, and people feel others staring at them.  They know their wrong.  It was just as bad with the stroller, people would even fall into it, as if there was no baby!!  That got them screamed at.  When they get embarressed, you'll get whats right. To sit, and have people respect the little one who can't say anything.

B

Same has happened to me..... I was 41 weeks pregnant, coming home from an ultrasound. A woman had been chatting me up, commiserating with me as to how tiring pregnancy was and how horrible it is to go over your due date. When the subway came, she pretty much shoved me out of the way to get the last remaining seat, got out her book and started reading.

She did offer me her seat after I glared at her and other people mumbled, but then I opted not to take it (which I regretted shortly thereafter as I really was dead tired, but anyway). Stupid pride, you know :)

Just like you I am horrified at the conduct of men in the subway. Don't realize I am 6 months pregnant and not just fat? What I do to get a seat is 1. wear ultra tight clothing and pat my belly. 2. Glare at men 3. Read pregnancy magazines. But sometimes they STILL do not get the message! Especially not the preppies, which drives me nuts. So far, I have been doing OK, I am not too tired, but I am ready to speak up if I need to and beg for a seat! The worst for me was before getting pregnant. I went through IVF, and got daily intra muscular shots in my lower back. A couple of times, people have actually shoved me right into the shot site, making me scream in pain! Some people have no education. 

It's a month later and I'm still in the same boat.  I've decided there are two problems: 1. men are afraid to assume you're pregnant, just in case you'd be offended, and 2. clothes this summer make everyone look pregnant.  I'm trying really hard not to let it drive me crazy, but the thing I hate the most is that people don't even look up when everyone gets on the subway.  I have no patience for willful ignorance.  Of course, I'm much more sensitive now, and I've noticed that elderly women, children, men with canes -- nobody gets a seat in this stupid town.  I've given up my seat as a pregnant woman to people who obviously need it. 

Seriously, I'm going to get one of those fold-up stools and just bring it with me every day.  I'm tired of depending on the kindness of strangers.

It really is crazy how people don't offer. Early in my pregnancy, I several times offered my seat to women more pregnant than me. I had fairly good luck with people offering me a seat once I was visibly pregnant, but I think it's true that people are afraid to assume, in case they're wrong. There were a few times when I told myself "If no one offers, I'm going to ask," but a seat always somehow opened up. I think you're totally within your rights to ask someone to let you sit, though.

 I'm 41 weeks and the only person who has ever offered me a seat is an Eastern European tourist. In London the transit authority offers baby on board badges to pregnant women to wear on their coats. NYC needs some major education campaign.

I totally empathize with wanting to have a seat and all, but at the same time you can't expect people to feel sorry for you or offer you a seat just because you are pregnant.  I wouldn't expect anyone to offer me a seat.  It's just one of those things that sucks about living in a city. I do agree that men should always offer their seats to women, pregnant or not.   

Really?  I guess part of living in a city -- to me -- is that we all have to accommodate each other.  I always offer up my seat to anyone who needs it more than I do.  That's a judgment call, I know, but I personally think I have good judgment.

I would give my seat up to any woman older than 50, any man older than 60, anyone limping (even if it's from killer high heels), any pregnant woman, any child, or even any obviously tired person (especially those poor construction workers, who tend to be big guys and never get a seat).  I actually don't think women should automatically get seats just because they're women.  And then, in turn, I would hope people would do the same for me when I'm any of those things.  It's not a matter of feeling sorry for anyone, it's a recognition that other people need more help than you do and being willing to give it if you can.

 

 I agree with Joanie -- it's not that pregnant woman deserve special treatment, its just that everyone has days when they need a seat more than someone else.  I would give my seat up, for instance to a strapping 20 year old guy if he looked incapacitated with the flu.  Even as a rather pregnant woman, I would totally give my seat up to someone who was handicapped or on crutches.   Its just the basics of life -- you help me out because some day you're going to need a hand.

That said, I was on a really crowded city bus the other day, exhausted and no one gave up their seat until we stopped at a stop light and I wound up letting go of my strap and just leaned on my husband  in exhaustion.  Then a woman across the aisle offered me her seat.  Weirdly, I was standing right in front of a young healthy guy.

My husband and I decided that it wasn't so much that people were obnoxious, but that folks tend to get their blinders on when their in crammed, crowded urban situations like it.  It's not like they scan the other passengers anxiously, trying to make sure that there isn't someone who needs a seat more than them.

So I think the trick is to draw a little attention to yourself.  I didn't drape myself on my husband on purpose to get a seat -- it had been a really tiring day.  But once I did, it seemed like at least some people went "what's wrong with HER?  oh, she's very pregnant".

There's obviously always going to be people who notice and don't do anything, but there' s a special subway car in hell reserved for them where they are on crutches with a sprained ankle and they have to try to hold onto a strap while other people sit and pretend not to notice. 

Same situation here, up to 41 weeks I had to either glare...suck it up...or politely ask for the seat if I really needed it.  Once I was faced with the tremendous late pregnancy back ache, some days it was easier to just stand than face the excruciating pain of going down and then back up again a few stops later...and of course that was when I was finally very obviously prego and people started to offer more frequently.

That said, I think there's merit in some people not wanting to assume you're pregnant and risk offending you.  I think that only now because I commute daily with baby in the Ergo, and you'd be shocked to see how many people leap out of their seats for me.  Now a days, I politely decline most times and just hope that karma gets me on the back end the next time i'm pregnant!!

So, from one mommy who's been through it, my best suggestion is to politely ask for the seat if you need or want it, and keep your chin up knowing that you'd do it for someone if you thought they needed it!

Oh wow, this used to get me really steamed when I was pregnant too. I would have to talk myself through it to keep my blood pressure from going through the roof. I was pregnant in the winter so it wasn't always easy to see. How I approached it depended on the day. Usually did one of these:

- Ask loudly for a seat as soon as I got on; sometimes I said I was pregnant, sometimes I didn't.

- Unzip my coat and stick my belly in the face of young people sitting in front of me until they noticed and offered their seat

- Stand and hope for no sudden lurches because I didn't have the energy to have to ask for a seat

 

The most incredible thing to me is when I would have conversations with people while standing about the fact that people rarely offer up their seats. And still no one would offer a seat. One day I had this conversation with a woman in her 60s that had braces on her wrists and could barely hold on to the poles. We discussed the fact that we could both use seats but that no one ever offers right in front of two young able-bodied people sitting in the handicap seats. Crazy. I made a guy next to me get up for another pregnant woman once. She wasn't obviously pregnant, but the fact that she was carrying a bag from a store called "Motherhood Maternity" was the big flashing clue she was so obviously putting out there.

I love the idea of the baby on board buttons. I remember wishing they had those because I really did hate asking for a seat. Maybe I'll just make my own next time. Somebody should sell them...

 ... but while I was pregnant, I asked for a seat if I felt like I needed to sit down. I don't think people who have never had a baby "get it", but if asked, many of them would gladly give up their seat if they knew someone needed it more than them.

It happened to me regularly on the NYC subway - and almost ALWAYS on the PATH train! It drove me crazy too.  I found that standing in front of a youngish woman often worked - that is, she would give up her seat and those young men around would barely look up.

Once, a woman from half way across the train yelled to me - "sweetie, please come take MY seat!" and 5 men jumped up.  They just need to be told. Out loud. 

Now (that baby is 20months old!) I am always on the lookout for my pregnant sisters on the train.  I gently tap a man on the shoulder and point to my pregnant sis - they JUMP to give up their seats.

And let's ALL teach our baby boys this lesson early and often - pay attention to your surroundings and offer your seat to those in need ! (Baby girls too!!)