My story is one of the greatest joy and the greatest pain that I have ever known. When all doors, one at a time, were shut to me and I was in the process of closing a part of my heart that I thought I would never be filled. I felt a black hole inside of me like no other. Me, like many other women, dreamed as a little girl that some day I would grow up to have my very own family. Grow up to be a mother and wife. I played with and tenderly cared for my dolls and dreamed of the day when they would have more than just plastic skin and eyes that close when you lay them down to sleep. When you are young and full of dreams you could never even entertain the idea that something as natural as having a baby of your own could be taken away from you.
I was married at the young age of 18 to my first real love. In my mind and in my heart the things that I wanted most in this world were beginning to happen. After about a year of marriage I began to wonder why I had not yet became pregnant. With the help of my husband, I started to do some research into the best ways to make that happen. For another year we tried little tips and tricks that we had heard and read about, with still no luck. I decided to seek an official medical opinion for some answers. It took about eight months of appointments, referals, and waiting to get in to see a fertility specialist to begin the long dark road that I was about to travel.
We were both poked, proded, and tested to death just to find out that there was nothing at all wrong with my husband and the problems lay with me. Even though I had three out of the four major fertility problems my doctor was confident that with a little help from him and medication that I could still get pregnant and have a healthy baby. So only slightly beaten and worried I held my head up and was willing to go on and do whatever I had to do. The next steps involved pills, surgery, thermometers, and a whole lot of patience. Now a total of about four years had passed and the only two things had changed. First was that my doctor had done all that he could so he was not transfering me to the head specialist in the area in hopes that he could succeed where we had so far failed. The second thing was that all this and more had taken its toll on my marriage and it was crumbling around me. By the time that I was able to get in to see the new doctor I was seperated and my husband was expecting his first child with another woman.
A few more years went by and I was now in a new relationship. All of my fertility issues were put right out on the table when things got solid with us so that there were no surprises further down the road. He seemed supportive so once again the jurney began. More pills, poking, proding, and surgeries and more time that was, in the end, wasted. So it seemed that there was nothing that I could do and that I now had no choice but to accept that I was never going to experience any part of mother-hood. I felt beaten, broken, and worthless. Depresssed and once again alone I dreaded each holiday, each family gathering with all my famlies and all their children. I did not realize that you could miss someone that you never had the chance to meet, but I did in my dreams and with all of my heart. I had to find a way to shut the door, heal, and try to move on.
Almost seventeen years since I said I do, I was finally in love with a man who was truly in love with me. Not the me he wanted me to be, not the me he hoped would happen but just me. Although the pain was still there it was a little less sharp and for the most part I could control it. I had accepted who I was and who I could never be. I will never forget the day in Feb. of 2006 if I live to be 1000 years old. I had gone to the doctors a few days before for some simple discomfort, and had some tests run. My phone rang and it was the secratary at my doctors office. She asked me to hold for my doctor that she wanted to discuss some test results. My first initial reaction was that something had to be very wrong for her to want to talk to me herself. A tightness rose up in me as the fear of being very ill took over. She added to that fear when I heard her voice on the other end and she said "hi Verna are you sitting down?". Her next words hit me like a tidal wave of so many emotions all at the same time. She said "I got the tests that I ran back and YOU ARE PREGNANT". I cried, I shook, I screamed, and than I cried some more. I kept waiting to wake up once again with those familiar tears in my eyes, but I didn't. This time it was real.
I spent my pregnancy totally emersed in each and every moment of wonder. Cried at every ultra sound, smiled with each kick, feared each complication, and followed every doctors order. Daddy spoiled me and kept me strong. We now have the most amazing beautiful baby girl who just turned eight months old. She was born 6.1 lbs, 19 inches and in perfect health. It still amazes me how much joy she brings me each moment of each day. To watch her and her daddy play and laugh is worth more than 100 lifetimes of riches. Everything at Christmas this year seemed shinnier and those tags that said to ALexsis from mommy and daddy meant so much more knowing that the mommy part was me this time. I still find myself staring at her and than realize that I am dripping with happy tears.
So all you women out there who think that you are at the end, I have been where you are and I know the it seems the pain will always be with you. I know there are no garentees and no promises but I will say that it can happen. Also you are far from alone in your pain and darkness. I wish you the luck that I was fortunate enough to have in my life.
