Babble

I work full-time nights and have my twin lads Porter and Miles for about five hours each day while my wife is at work.  I love this arrangement -- I get to spend much more time with them than a lot of fathers do, and I have lots of new mom and dad friends.  My sons are as close to me as they are to their mother, which folks tell me is rare.

Those ever-present strangers who judge parenting skills and styles treat fathers much differently than mothers.  When I compare my experiences with those of my wife or with my mom-friends, there's a big difference: The judgmental set thinks the women are bad mothers; they think I'm just an inept dullard.

This annoys me greatly, since it's sexist against both women and men, and assumes I'm not a "real" caregiver.  On a walk to the park in 50-degree weather a few weeks ago, a woman I'd never seen before bent down and zipped up my lads' hoodies while they were sitting in their stroller.  And last week at a store, a clerk asked me if I was babysitting.  "No, they're mine," I replied.  She said in return, "Yes, I know.  Are you babysitting?"  People always assume I'm giving my wife a "break," or even ask me, "Where's their mommy?"  My wife isn't on a "break" -- she's at her own job, fulfilling her own outside-of-parenting life.

But while it annoys me, I admit I can use it to my advantage.  People will give me all sorts of help, and I don't even have to ask.  I just have to look befuddled.
 

Well as far as I'm concerned, you're just a great dad.  There's nothing I hate more than parents who descibe Dad providing childcare as "babysitting."  Grandparents babysit; dads are..dads!  I'm a new mom and certainly no one would say I'm home on maternity leave babysitting my 3 month old daughter!
 

Hi Peter,

             I also have toddler twins, Libby and Henry, who just turned 2 1/2. We also have a newborn, Margaret or Maggie, who arrived on October 1.  I've been at home with the twins since my wife returned to work full-time in fall of '04.

I've had far less experience of intrusive mothers. Perhaps it's my age. I'm 50 now and most of the park mommies are in their 20s so I don't get much impertinence. What I do get, however, is grandpa cracks.

I've had a couple of run-ins with the "Not Safe" patrol. When I returned to the park nearly daily this past spring (we live in a condo), I established to my own satisfaction that the twins were physically confident enough to negotiate the park equipment without me breathing down their necks. Thereafter I took my station at a picnic table under a shady tree and nursed a Diet Pepsi while making sure the twins didn't flee the scene. Nevertheless, ever vigilant hover -mommies would anxiously prepare to catch my kids as they ascended ladders and descended slides which presented no real difficulty.
 

I can see why the babysitting comment irks. It's insulting and condescending. Also, it's not so great for the moms either. It assumes we're alway on deck unless we make alternate arrangements. The rub is that the assumption is often true. Don't get me wrong - I have a great husband and I think he's an involved, terrific dad. He works a really demanding job and the payoff is I get to stay home with the kids and I love it. The opposite side is that my job is the kids. I'm the primary caregiver 7 days a week. I assume my husband will be available on weekends and some evenings, but I can't always rely on it, so when I need to visit the dentist or attend a wake or get out with some girlfriends, I talk to him to make sure he's available. I know a lot of women, working and stay at home, who deal with the same structure. You can't assume someone's available, so you coordinate calendars or make time. In the good relationships, it's just scheduling and there's not much emotion behind it. In tougher relationships, it can raise all sorts of resentments. We love our kids, but every deserves some time off. Not everybody gets that.

 I spent some time early on with our kids really steaming b/c my husband would never say, "What can I do?" or would never just make the kids lunch. He'd happily pitch in when asked, but I stewed b/c he wasn't reading my mind about nap times or baths or feedings. When I finally decided it was better to ask than to be a martyr, I got happier, the house got happier and I have to believe my husband got much happier.

Two Sides Of Daddyhood indeed. Like cd74 I am the primary caregiver 7 days a week and I learned early on that the key to my equanimity was coming to terms with the fact that I never get a day off. My wife may chip in but I never rely on her to do so, therefore it's gravy if she does. 

It amazes me that even in this day in age, you face those kinds of stipulations. Far too often we hear of "dead beat dad's" and everyone is so quick to insult them and their choices (as it should be IMO). But when a fully competant father (and of twins!!) steps up and ENJOYS his time with his children goes out with them, he still receives these types of comments. And from other parents no doubt! Those women in the park and in the market should be bowing down to you for stepping up and taking your responsibilities seriously.

 Well at least you are looking on the upside of things and taking advantage of other people's stupidity!!

These situations are actually pretty rare.  I have lots of parent-friends at the park and the fact that I'm toting a Y chromosome is hardly an issue at all.  And I admit I get off on the "involved dad" thing a bit.  When the Lads were really tiny, I was the one dadalone (i.e. mommy's not here, man) who went to the Mommy Matinees.  Every so often, another dadalone would come and I would feel like my position was being usurped.

What I love about this is you and your wife's willingness to create a life that works for all of you.  As a coach focusing on working with fathers I so often hear how men feel that they are trapped or don't have any choices.  The truth is, we make it all up.  So why not make it up so it works. 

My wife and i created a home-centric life - both of us worked from home and starting in high school, we home-schooled our daughter.  Even when she went to school, we were both there to be totally involved with her.  Now she is at UCLA, and we are so happy about the choices we made. 

I would love to hear more about your particular adventures and challenges, especially as it relates to how you grow your career at the same time.  I can be reached at Jeffrey@ExecutiveDads.com and at my blog www.DadAtWork.com.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I can't believe those women... I mean, really, what's up with them??? Zipping up your kids' hoodies??? I'd have been livid....

Anyway, good for you that you get to spend so much time with your kids! My husband took 6 months off after I went back to work, and it was the best thing ever for both him and our daughter.

What got to me, though, was tons of comments I got, all from other women, either saying something like "You're leaving him with the baby???? What if she cries????". And then there's the other kind that thinks he is a great dad 'cause he sings "The wheels on the bus" to her and does the hand movements - and yeah, he's a great dad, but no mother would ever get to hear she's great 'cause she sings to her babies.

Anyway.

Well, living in Vietnam it is everything times two. There is just so much paranoia here. Mothers are encouraged to stay in bed for a month after the birth. Fathers are told not to hold their children until they're two months old. So many of these little babies are kept in sterile environments and hardly even given the opportunity to get down on the floor and learn to crawl and creep. The list goes on and on.

I want to create both an open and social environment for my little girl, as well as be respected for being a good daddy. So I make a very definite line. I take a step back and allow each person interact with her in their own way, but when they suggest some of these ridiculous superstitions and archaic philosophies or cross my comfort barrier then I make it very clear that, I AM THE FATHER, and I won't be influenced without due cause.

Of course, playing the innocent father card is always useful.

Wow!!! As a single mother I have to commend all of you dad's on your involvement with your children! I know plenty of women who would truly respect your attitude towards them! Kudos to you!

I love spending time alone with the kids.  I don't think I've ever experienced other parents judging me negatively.  To the contrary - most passersby see me with my two boys in tow and seem awed that a father is managing solo.  We love spending time as a family, but we each recognize the value of time alone, so we try to give each other at least one evening or a weekend afternoon free from the rigors of parenting.  I think we're both more sane as a result.

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Mon,

Why you worry what they think?  Your boys be happy, you be happy, your wife be happy.  Why do you care that some people don't understand your situation?  Connected fathers are in the American blind-spot.  Get used to it, but have a good laugh each time.  Your boys will laugh about it when they get older, too.  Their laughter will be the best revenge.

Jah

Brother, I feel your pain.  I was a fulltime stay-at-home Dad for two years, and am still home with my three-year-old daughter two days a week.  It has probably been the most rewarding thing I've ever done.  Not always easy, but that time is now paying off in ways that most Dads never see.  The relationship that my daughter and I have cultivated could not have been achieved with me coming home every day at 6:00 - we are fully attached, and in the healthiest and most wonderful way.