Babble

I am not really interested in debating the merit of sleep training/cry-it-out versus co-sleeping/attachment parenting.  There are so many emotional and experiential aspects to this issue.  I've read much from both camps, and it seems that each author says that his or her method is the only method that is right and effective for babies. 

I am, however, interested in discussing infant sleep in terms of

• What you did to help your babies sleep
• How old your babies were
• What helped your babies sleep better (eventually sleeping through the night)
• How you felt about the process

My daughter is five months old.  We're just getting out of a long battle with colic, and although her smiles light up my day, she continues to be a high-need, fussy baby.  Nothing--not sleep, entertainment, snuggles, playing with people she doesn't see on a daily basis, etc.--comes easily for her.  I've found a few strategies that have helped her somewhat, including her sleep, but am really interested in what other educated, loving parents have done to help their babies (and themselves!) get better sleep.

I don't see how you can expect answers that don't mention cry-it-out versus co-sleeping, since that's at the crux of how parents deal with sleep issues. We were firmly in the Ferber corner, and still our son was not a great sleeper, woke several times a night to nurse, up until the week before his 1st birthday, when he magically started sleeping from 8pm til about 530-to-630am straight thru, then nursing and going back to sleep (in his crib) for another hour or so.

But, I repeat, that happened on its own, so I don't have much advice. 

What we did in general, starting I guess around 6 months,  was pretty much follow the "Ferber method" of letting him cry, and within a day or two, he was going to sleep at 8pm in his room in the crib with hardly a cry, but our other problem, the fact that he woke wanting to nurse 2-3 times a night we never did solve. Letting him cry was just too hard when it was late and I was insanely tired and I knew that if I went and got him and nursed him, we all would go back to sleep that much faster.I just tried to tell myself this was a temporary situation and that someday when he's older, we'll all laugh about how as a baby he was such a bad sleeper.

Ah...by not wanting to debate the topic, I only meant that I didn't intend this to become an argument over what works and what is the most ethical and loving approach--Ferber against attachment parenting.  Please do let me know what approaches you tried and what worked, as well as how you felt about it.  As I said, I've read so much, and I am now unsure of what I want to try.  I thought knowing your experiences would help me decide.

Hey there! My son was completely colicky until about 4 months. So I know what you've been dealing with. As far as sleeping was concerned... I read the books... but in the middle of the night when you have a screaming baby it is damn hard to a) remember the advice given, and b) actually follow through with implementing it. :-)

I'll let you know what I did to get some peaceful nights - for me it was a necessity as I am a single mom and really had no choice. At first when my son and I came home from the hospital we co-slept. It was just me and him and I was nursing so this was convenient. Everytime he woke in the middle of the night I popped him on a boob and I went back to sleep. I never once rolled on top of my child or dropped my son off the side of the bed like all the nurses warned me I would. But then again... maybe I'm a very still sleeper. :-)

Now naps on the other hand were a different story. There was only one way to get him to nap - and it had nothing to do with the crib. It had been suggested (from another parent of a colicky child) that I buy my son a swing that swung from side to side instead of front to back. I was at my wits end with a screaming child so I figured... what the hey. Well it worked! For daytime naps, I plopped him in the swing, turned on some light music and left the room. He cried for a minute or two, but then he went right to sleep.

 At about 2 months I spent the night with an aunt who thought it was rediculous that I was still sleeping with my son and she didn't understand why he still had to get up to nurse so often. She said that both of her sons would sleep through the night by then. I looked at her like she was completely out of her mind. Anyways she asked what we were doing and I told her. I had brought the swing with me for napping and she suggested that I nurse him for as LONG as possible (keep waking him up, tickling his toes, rubbing his nose, etc.) right before bedtime and then put him in the swing to sleep. Let me tell you how that was the first night since I had been pregnant that I got more than 3 hours of sleep in a row! She also mentioned that when he gets up in the middle of the night to do the same with the feeding - basically to fill up his belly instead of just satisfying him for the moment. All of this really helped.

My son continued to sleep in the "sideways swing" as it was dubbed, until he was 5 months old and I broke it while transporting it from my house to a friend's house. At this point I really had no other option, so I buckled my baby into his car seat and let him scream it out upstairs while I had a glass of wine downstairs. The next night, back at my own place, I decided to try out the dreaded crib that had been assembled but unused for the past half year. He did the screaming for a bit but eventually he went to bed. When he woke up in the middle of the night, I used a trick that an older southern mother told me. I made up a warm bottle (he was on formula by this point), put it next to him in his crib and left the room. He would find the bottle and suck for a little bit and then go right back to sleep. To be honest, I still do this with him, though I don't use formula anymore (now that he is 1), but warm water. I have to admit, most nights he gives me 12 hours of sleep. Such a blessing.

I guess in our situation the key was getting him to sleep through the night in the first place - and making sure that he went to bed with a full belly and in the swing got his body used to that. Thus making the transition to the crib an easy one. Sorry for such a long post and I hope that some of it helped. Honestly, I think that you should do whatever your family is comfortable with. Best of luck! And if you want to look at the swing that I bought for my son, here is a url: http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/ref=br_1_1/602-7513259-2564644?ie=UTF8&frombrowse=1&asin=B0001IU5HY It was completely worth the money and I will buy another the next time I have a child. (breaking it was totally my fault as I dropped from a distance onto concrete)

I too had a high-need fussy baby with colic. My husband and I would joke that he had been promised a free ride to Harvard if he killed us.   He cried for hours every day and never slept longer than three hours for the first four months of his life.  As the colic subsided, around three months, I began following all the no cry sleep methods with a vengeance.  I was resolved MY child would not cry. I do recommend  "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley it has worked for many in my Mom's group, but sadly not for me. The only "trick" that worked for me was placing his head on my chest and his legs around me and bouncing on an exercise ball.  Beg, borrow or steal one to try for yourself.  Put a stuffed animal on the floor behind it so you don't roll off at 3:00 in the morning.

 At about five months (I notice this is where you are) I had a mini breakdown.  After all my efforts I was more exhausted than ever and I decided to cry it out. It took three days and we only did the crying at night, but it worked.  We did NO comforting.  We put him down at 7:00, I fed him once at around 2:00 and then again at 5:00 and he would go back to sleep for another hour.  There were several "cry-outs" a night until he was a year.  After a minute or two he would go back to sleep. That is not to say I never got up in the night.  Every time we traveled we had to repeat the process only on a much smaller scale.  I would be lying if I said there weren't many nights, sporadically interspersed after the routine had been established, when we let him cry to fall asleep.  On occasion I would still do some ball bouncing to help him get closer to falling asleep.  He really did have to learn to fall asleep.  A notion I had previously discounted.  Ask any one who is transitioning their child who has been co-sleeping to a bed.  At some point they all have to do a little sleep training.  I still had to bounce on an exercise ball for twenty to thirty minutes to get him to fall asleep for naps.  At about eight months we started crying it out for naps too. Naps were always frustrating, but I started a loose schedule and eventually it fell into place.  I believe the "no comforting rule" was essential to my success.  I based what I did on ideas from "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child".  I don't love the book.  In fact, at first I hated it.  But I needed  guidance and some idea of what was an appropriate sleep habit.  In the end I made up my own plan.

 I felt horrible about the process.  I wondered if he would grow up to be emotionally disturbed because I had not sacrificed my physical and mental health to hold him every hour of the day.  I felt like a bad Mom.  I felt like a wimp, a whiner, and a failure. I was too tired and emotional to asses the situation rationally.  Looking back I am so glad I didn't wait any longer to take action.  In a few months your child will be able to sit up and then stand in his crib.  The older they get the easier it is to attach hurt feelings to their crying versus realizing they are crying because they want to sleep.  Not everyone gets the sleepy, easy baby.  I am a good, loving, educated mother who had to make a hard, not Dr. Sears approved, choice.  And I am glad I did.

My son is 17 months.  I still have a giant green exercise ball in his room for times when he is sick or teething and needs some extra comforting before bed.  I bounce him in my arms, but he still falls asleep on his own. He sleeps from 7:30 to 5:00 every day.  So, he is still not a champion sleeper.  He is still not an easy baby.  But his first word after Mom and Dad and baby, was happy.  Sometimes I'll look over at him "reading" his books and he will smile and say happy, happy, happy.

Thank you so much!  I cannot begin to express how great it has been for me to hear from other moms, both here and elsewhere, that have been through the same thing. 

At about three months, I tried to let my daughter cry it out.  After nearly four hours (in two chunks) one afternoon and after she began to scream every time I laid her down for a diaper change, I gave up.  I think at that point, it was too early for sleep training and/or there was no way to get past the colic to sleep train.  We currently are using the No-Cry Sleep Solution methods to decease her dependency on nursing to sleep.  We've had some success with that.  It seems that as long as she doesn't wake completely, she sometimes can get herself back to sleep.  Other than that, I do nurse her to sleep every time because that's the only thing that works.  Otherwise, it's at least a half hour of screaming before she passes out.  I put her in her hammock-style bouncy seat to sleep alone after every waking until I go to bed.  Then, whenever she wakes, I bring her to bed with us for the rest of the night.  Naps are horrible, so I've resorted to holding her or napping with her--which gives her a solid morning nap and gives me a happier baby for most of the day.  When I try to put her down for naps, she wakes right up, and the nap is over even when she was asleep for only five minutes.

I'm just not ready to do sleep training yet.  I still struggle to deal with her screaming--thinking that it's going to last for endless hours as if colic can come back.  :-)  Some days go so well, and then I feel encouraged.  Other days are horrible; she doesn't sleep well then is fussy for the majority of the day.  I didn't realize before this experience that sleep could be such a struggle.  "Sleep like a baby"?  Ha!  If things don't improve gradually, I know I will eventually have to do some sleep training.  "Good Night, Sleep Tight" is the method I will probably use.  Until then, I'm trying very hard to do what I can to help her...and me...get better sleep.  I really needed to put the focus on sleep aside for awhile so I could just enjoy my baby.  No easy feat for a mom of a colicky, high-need child some days! 

Thanks again!  I wish parents would share their struggles more often.  And I will have to look into getting an exercise ball because she also loves to bounce until sleepy!  I'm also trying to get her to eat more complete meals.  FYI We already have a swing, and she hates both pacifiers and bottles. 

Hi Babycakes - I am a mother of a 6 month old who has not been a good sleeper, mostly due to gastroesophogeal reflux.  I am also a developmental child psychologist and before our child was born, I figured I'd have an advantage with respect to sleep, because I am familiar with the sleep research - no such luck!  We ended up co-sleeping because our son was not a good sleeper, because we were worried about him aspirating when he spit up frequently, and because I was so tired that it just seemed easier (I think Jodi Mindel refers to it as 'accidental parenting' which I think is a good term!)  I mostly followed Jodi Mindell's advice in the book "Sleeping Through the Night".  It uses a pseudo cry it out procedure where you can check on your child every 5 minutes or so and you only have to train the first going to sleep at night with the hopes that your child, like most, will generalize the learning to go to sleep to other waking times (she says about 80% figure this out on their own after learning to fall asleep at sleep onset).  It was hell.  My son cried and I cried and my husband wandered around with a pained look on his face.  My son was very persistent and cried for as much as 2 hours at a time before falling asleep (we checked in and provided minimal comfort every 5 minutes).  This didn't last long though - 3 or 4 days, then he seemed to get it.  We also learned to pay very close attention to his sleepy signs.  He has a VERY short window of 'fall asleep' time (also called sleep gate). If you miss this window he will cry, no matter what, for hours.  If you hit the window or even put him down before the window he will not cry long - sometimes not at all.

 
We did not train naps immediately, (the program suggests you shouldn't) but he was doing well at night so I gave it a try - in fact naps turned out, for us, to be easier than bedtime.  Our little lovey now goes to bed between 6:30 and 7pm - earlier than we'd like, but that is his tired time and we don't fight it or he is awake for hours - he sleeps till 10:30 or 11pm, is fed and goes back to sleep till 3'ish, feeds, and is up at 6'ish to feed and start the day (also earlier than I'd like, but again we don't fight what seems to be his natural rhythm)  I would love a full night sleep, but because he seriously eats when he wakes, I believe he is truly hungry.  Also, he is just keeping pace with his growth curve, so we believe he needs the nightime feeds, and our doc doesn't disagree.   I just remind myself (frequently!) that in the big picture this is a short time in all of our lives.  That said, I am in Canada and enjoy the luxury of having a year of maternity leave, so I'm not trying to function at work on the really tired days.  As well, he is a short napper (30 minutes usually - 4x per day) which I'm hoping will lengthen out, but right now I'm just trying to follow his signs to some degree and to impose some structure also. Our son is now sleeping all naps in his crib (he falls asleep independently) and at least the first two rounds of nighttime sleep.  Sometimes I will bring him to our bed in the night if he isn't settling - we don't cry it out in the middle of the night - it is just too much for me right now.  Maybe some day we will have to, I'm hopeful he will continue to improve on his own.

 Finally, I read what seemed like every book out there about sleep - I chose to use the Mindell book because she seemed like she acknowledged that every child and every parent is different/unique and that needs to be factored into the sleep approach.  I do believe that learning to fall asleep independently was key to our improvements (and will continue to be important).  Previous to my own experiences I would have been a staunch Ferber supporter, as the best research has been done on the cry it out approach, now I'd probably say everyone has to use what seems to work best for their family/child, understanding some ways will take longer or may have implications for harder choices when the child is older.  As long as you are making mindful decisions I think you can't go wrong!

 
Sorry for the long post - I hope you find a way that works well for your family!

 Cheers.


 

We were lucky at first - our daughter started sleeping through the night at around 6 weeks old. Heavenly bliss it was, but then she turned 4 months old and it all came to a sudden stop. She woke every single night at least once, sometimes as often as 3 or 4 times and she'd be wide awake for anywhere between 45 minutes and 2 hours. It was not good... we were no longer night nursing and didn't want to go back there, so we tried everything we could think off (aside from letting her cry, we just could not bring ourselves to do that). Nothing really worked reliably. We didn't entertain her or anything, just held her or walked her in a quiet, dark area and hoped for the best. We rocked her. We tried putting her in her crib (that never worked). We sang to her. Etc...... This only tapered off once she got older, starting around 8 months she wouldn't wake every night anymore and by the time she was 11 months old, she rarely ever woke.

The other thing for us was getting her to fall asleep on her own. She used to fall asleep on me while nursing and when I stopped when she was 14 months old, she got used to snuggling with one of us and falling asleep that way. It was nice, but also took a long time and eventually we got tired off it. So, a couple of weeks ago, we started just putting her into her crib and it's worked quite well.

She's 22 months old, so we started out by telling her that from soon/now on she'd have to fall asleep on her own. Sometimes she nodded, other times she shook her head no, but we'd made up our minds and stuck to the plan. After a couple of days of preparing her, we started a new bedtime routine:

• we go upstairs with her at just before 7:00 every night to brush her teeth and put on her pjs
• we sit with her and read her a favourite book (she gets to pick out before coming upstairs) while she snuggles with her doll and us
• we put her into her sleeping bag, kiss her good night and tell her we'll see her in the morning
• we put her into her crib, pet her a couple of times and leave the room
• she goes to sleep, sometimes after having talked to Bear for a bit or having read her book

In the early days, she started to cry once she got into her sleeping bag and the first day in particular was rough for us (this was our first attempt at letting her cry it out). We went into her room every few minutes to calm her, but it seemed to make her madder. She went to sleep - sitting up - after about 20 minutes or so, but had taken a few breaks from crying. The next couple of days were fairly similar, just that she cried progressively less. After 4 days or so, she'd cry for less than a minute and a few days after that, she started jumping into her sleeping bag on her own and was quite eager to get into her crib.

We've been doing it for a couple of weeks now and it works like a charm. She goes to bed around the same time every night and she usually falls asleep as soon as her head hits the mattress and she's arranged all her toys around her. Book underneath her head (not sure why this is necessary), Bear in one arm and her doll in the other, sippy cup with water in the corner - sometimes she's out before we're even out of her room. Other times, she reads her book for a bit or talks a bit.

The first few times were hard, but we had decided beforehand that we were going to give it a week before making changes should it be too hard for her. It helped that our daycare provider has a master's level degree in childhood development and kept telling us that it's important to kids, even little ones, to get some time on their own at the end of the day to unwind and that she'd get totally used to the new system and come to look forward to it.

And yeah, this may not be for everyone - it sure wouldn't have been for us 6 months ago, but we did it at the right time for us and it worked out for us. We use the same system for naps and even when we're away overnight - and she has the same reaction. She's happy to get into bed (not so much for naps, but she goes without complaining) and goes to sleep quickly.

Anyway, sorry this is so long and good luck in finding something that works for you.

Smashedpea: It's really good to hear from a parent of a toddler who didn't go the cry-it-out route with an infant.  It's not that I have a problem with it as much as I am just not up for it now.  I know that if I am not fully committed to sleep training, I will not be able to tolerate it.  It seems like your method worked very gradually as your daughter got older.  Most days, I'm happy with the tiny bits of progress we are making--like getting a bedtime set, decreasing the number of night wakings, and increasing the amount of time our daughter spends in her own bed instead of ours.  It is draining some days, but most days, I'm happy that I get to hold her and read while she naps.  Her baby days are fleeting, and I so want to enjoy her now. 

We didn't try any "method," really. We neither co-slept nor Ferberized.

 What you did to help your babies sleep

• For the first few weeks, we set up the pack n play in the living room and put her bouncer w/ a Snuzzler on it. When someone wasn't holding her, that's where she slept, so that whoever was taking care of her could doze on the couch. As she got older, we moved the bouncer to her crib, then laid her in the crib in a sleepsack. We ALWAYS respond when she fusses at night (at 22 months, that's only like once a night, for about 15 seconds, when she loses her pacifier). Now, she usually gets a couple of books, some singing and cuddling before sleep (between 7:30 - 8 p.m.) unless we're out somewhere. Then we'll put on her jammies before we leave and she falls asleep in the car.
• 
  
• How old your babies were
• She started sleeping thru the night at about 9 weeks, with two long naps. Now she sleeps 11 - 12 hours a night with a 2 hour nap in the late morning.
• 
  
• What helped your babies sleep better (eventually sleeping through the night)
• I think that being LUCKY helped us... she's a very laid back, jolly girl. And going to daycare and being physically and mentally engaged all day helps her sleep better at night, I think.
  
• 
  
• How you felt about the process
• After the first few tough weeks of failed breastfeeding, things started getting easier.

And remember: it WILL get easier!!!!!!  Don't give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Once they start solid food, it does seem to help them sleep better, just like Mom said it would. HA.

I work with a woman whose first boy was not a sleeper, and she was so exhausted,  she finally just passed out for 12 hours, and woke to find him sleeping peacfully with tear tracks down his face. She felt HORRIBLE, but after that episode, she said he sleeps all night, no problem. So every kid is different, every situation is different....

Good luck!   

When our baby (now 6 months old) was 4 months old, we put her upstairs in her crib (with her drowsy but awake and fed/changed/bathed, etc.) and we sat on the sofa downstairs and listened to her cry for 20 minutes before she fell asleep.  It was awfull--I had my husband's hand in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.  The next night she cried for 10-15 minutes before falling asleep; the next night 5 minutes and the fourth night, not at all. 

Now, 2 months later, she may fuss/cry about 1 time in 10 when we put her down to sleep in her crib, and if the fuss/crying lasts longer than a few minutes, we bring her back downstairs and let her fall asleep on the sofa with us while we watch tv.  I find that laying a hand on her tummy/chest induces sleep.  She also loves to lay next to me and kick my leg as she falls asleep. 

The hardest part was at the 4-month mark where we tried our version of 'crying it out'.  She semed to get the point pretty quickly, though (the point being that she was in her bed, in her room and it was time for her to go to sleep), and I don't think any damage to her little psyche was done.  We give her lots of attention when she's awake, but somehow she has learned to self-soothe.

 

After nearly a month of trying not to focus on sleep and still getting up numerous times each night, we dove head first into sleep training.  I knew it was going to be a rough start, and it was horrible.  I certainly haven't read any case studies in which the baby cried for nearly six hours the first night.  She cried for two hours before falling asleep, I gave her a dream feeding at 10:00 and put her back to bed easily, then she screamed from 11:00 to 2:00 AM.  We experimented with sitting next to her crib (as recommended in Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West), visiting at increasing intervals of time, and just leaving her alone.  I was a concerned about her, so a few minutes after she fell asleep, I gave her another dream feeding.  She woke up two or three more times for small periods of time then was up when we greeted her a little after 6:00 this morning.

I decided to wait for sleep training naps, and she took two long naps today with me.  It was great to snuggle her and get some sleep after that rough night. 

Tonight, she cried for about an hour at bedtime; but it wasn't as intense as last night.  So far I've given her one dream feeding and am praying she doesn't have another three hour screaming jag tonight.  It was really hard to make it through last night, but we're going to give it our best for about a week hoping for gradual, but significant progress.