Babble

Hi. I'm really enjoying reading everyone's opinions on the this-and-that of daddyhood, but I have a question. Are any of you single fathers? I am a single father of a 6 month old boy (His mother and I split up right she was announced pregnant) and I have him two nights and one weekend day each week. He'll never know his parents as a duo, and while that's odd to me, with my maried parents childhood, he should be fine. The time I spend with my son is far and away the best time I spend at anything, but the time he's with his mother is, for me, an endless conversation of clarifications with anyone who discovers I'm a dad. "no, i'm not married/divorced," "no, I'm not trying to get back together with his mother," "yes, I am single," "no, i haven't abandoned him, he's at his mother's tonight. No, not my wife's/girlfriend's, his mother's." I go through this with dates (prospective), friends, employers, neighbors ... it never ends. Just wondering if there are any other men out there trying to be the best daddy they can be while still maintaining a career and single social life, and how that's working out for them...

 

Sounds like you're handling it as well as anyone could. Have you had any wrangling with mom over the time you spend with your son, activities, etc.?  Everybody's story is different, but I went through the wringer 18 years ago, so I realize that you may have to walk a tightrope. You don't want to get rolled over, but if you don't pick your battles carefully, you could get shut out like I did. In my case, (like you, we were never married and never considered it) but unlike you, I wasn't closely involved over the first few years -- just a few visits, correspondence & the odd phone call. Mom whacked me for cash when my son was 4, but I considered the bright side might be that I could actually function as a dad after that and not be entirely subject to her control-freak ways. Not true, sad to say. When it goes to the courts, you can jump through all the hoops for the shrinks and judges, but if you're on mom's bad side, the game's about up, I finally learned. So power to you that you seem to be keeping it positive and are there at this crucial time in your son's life.

I'm sure you'll be able to entertain yourself (within reason!)  the rest of the week, and I can't give ya much advice there, as far as balancing the two. Though for a few years, I could say I was a single dad and folks were encouraging about that, but finally I just had to zip it. I would Just be careful about taking anything for granted ... or you could end up exchanging your first e-mails (after 10 years' silence) with an 18-year-old, as I have been for the past couple of months. Luck to you!

 

I met my husband who was in pretty much the same situation as you when his son was about a year old.  At this point, my now stepson is 11 years old and has only known his dad with me and his mom with his stepdad.  He, also, has never had a life with his mom and dad together.  It's easier in the sense that there never was any issues with my stepson feeling like I was taking his moms spot in his dads life.  As for coworkers, social life etc I'm actaully surprised that this is an issue with any of them.  My husband just kept it simple and just told people that he's with his mom and no, we're not together.  There is no shame in it.  You should be proud that you're standing up to the challenge that many men walk away from early on.  Keep the relationship open and easy with his mom.  Like the previous post said, you don't want to make things harder on yourself and your son down the road b/c as it stands, she has a lot more control in your happiness in the relationship with you baby.  As he gets older, sign him up for boy scouts or something like that in your area and make that your father/son time with him.  My husband signed his son up for boyscouts every year and once a week, he would pick him up from school, do homework, have dinner and off to boyscouts they went from the age of 5 up until recently.  As he gets older, it'll be harder if you don't build the foundations of the relationship now. 

I want to congratulate all the dads here who appear to be such devoted, loving fathers. And how great that you're having a dialogue here.

I've been a single mom for seven years now -- my daughter's father and I split up when she was seven months old and he has not been in her life since. (He left the country.) I just wrote a book about my dating experiences as a single mom: Single Mom Seeking.... It has been great networking with  single dads out there -- You guys get it!... And I applaud you for talking about what it's like to get back out there... while being responsible, caring fathers.

Believe me, I know what it's like to get all those questions, too. It would be great to be in touch!

Best,

Rachel

www.singlemomseeking.com

 

 

 

Maybe some of you single dads can help me out...

 I'm a single mother of an 11 month old boy. His father and I have been friends for about 7 years now. We both live in different states and my decision to raise our son has definitely put some stress on our friendship. I get, from him, that he wants to be involved in his son's life though. He's great as far as sending child support, cards for his son, and little gifts here and there. However, I'm struggling with the fact that he's always going to be at a good distance from his son. Neither of us have any intentions of leaving our current states of residence. I have a wonderful man in my life who pretty much treats my son as his own and I have come to terms with the fact that my son will probably consider this man his father much more than his biological father. I do feel that it is important throughout the years for both of them to maintain a strong connection though. I don't want my son to ever really wonder about who his dad is and I want them to have as good a relationship as possible. His biological father is a really great person and I think that they will both benefit by having a strong relationship with each other. I guess my question is: Does anyone have any suggestions for facilitating this type of relationship? Especially right now when my son is too young to have a "weekly phone call with dad" or for me to put him on a plane for a visit... I would like for them to be able to start building a connection... any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks!