Babble

 You're a train wreck. "Go get laid lady". Brilliant. Is that how you solve your problems? I feel sorry for your girl. I hope you have better ways of dealing with her when you're frustrated than smacking her, getting frustrated, and making lame attempts at insults. The problem though is that as your daughter she WILL feel hurt by your words, and I frankly think you're hilariously pathetic. In terms of priorities, you've spent more time here defending and insulting than I bet you have researching better alternatives. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted such a stupid thread to begin with and then whined when people give you crap for being violent with a toddler.

 

It's ok. Take your anger out on me rather than your daughter. At least I'm an adult.

Ok. You win. I lose. You are right on all accounts. You are an adult, and I am just a pathetic immature youngster who is not paying any attention to my daughter because I would rather be here on the internet. My daughter would be better of being raised by a pack of wolves. Keep on coming back and responding to my anger-filled posts. I welcome the laughs.

 Yes, you lose.  In more ways than you realize. I do feel sorry for her.

You know I find it amazing that parents can be so judgemental of other parents. I don't agree with anyone being hit in the face, but I am in the pro-spanking camp. I have found that sometimes a spanking can be necessary and helpful depending on the child. Judge me all you like, but that is how I feel. Have the children in my family had the happiness and spirit beat out of them? Definitely not. You may not believe that, but that's not my problem. These same happy and spirited children were also bottle-fed. OMG......I bet I really deserve to have them taken away now. Parents don't need other parents belittling them just because you don't agree with their choices. Seriously, take a step back and try to look at another person's situation without putting yourself up on a pedestal. And to the mom who started this conversation, people can give you all of the alternatives that they use, and some may work for you and others may not. But in the end, no one knows your child as well as you do. Just please make the face a no hit zone.

No more hitting on the face. I actually had to go to her pediatrician's office this morning for a pre-op appointment (she is getting tubes in her ears) and I mentioned that I wanted to talk to him about how to discipline her being that she is only two. He said time-outs for 2-3 minutes and not to even bother with warnings at this point. He also said that if she gets out of time-out to ignore her for a bit because if not then I would be feeding her need for negative attention. We will be talking about it some more when we go back for her check up to see how she does, but that it's just a case of the "wonderful two's" [note sarcasm].

 

Is anyone actually getting anything useful out of this discussion anymore? Enough already!

 Time-outs aren't effective until a child is 3. There is plenty of information out there if you'd look for it.

 

Anonymous:

 Time-outs aren't effective until a child is 3. There is plenty of information out there if you'd look for it.

 

You are still here, aren't you... :o)

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_time-outs-how-to-make-them-work_63909.pc?intcmp=mostpopular_viewed&pn=BC%20Homepage

Where did you get that?  Everything I have read says that timeouts can be started as early as age one.  From my 13 years of childcare experience, timeouts can be very effective that early when they are used immediately and consistently.  It is also important to let the child know why they are being punished and after the timeout, talk about how to handle things next time.  Everything depends on the age, and you should know what type of "discussion" is appropriate for your child.Obviously everyone who has read and responded to the original thread is extremely passionate and cares about the well being of this woman's child and our own children.  Chill out on the personal attacks and stick to the issue at hand.  Spanking is, in my opinion, unacceptable.  If you teach your children that they should not react with violence than for you to is hypocritical.  Be creative and have fun with your child.  They are only small once, try not to ruin it for both of you! 

 

I'm a single mom of a two-and-a-half year old.  I'm also a special education teacher.  I've studied child psychology and development for the past 15 years.  Does this mean I am perfect?  No.  Does this mean I don't lose my temper with my child?  No.  Does this mean I have all the right answers?  No.  I fully believe in learning about a child's development at the time and understanding the discipline that they can handle.  Toddlers are still learning to communicate.  They can not verbalize through words exactly what they want.  They communicate through their actions.  Sometimes this means biting, hitting, throwing, yelling, etc.  We are the adults.  We need to show them the correct way of handling frustrations and problems.  We need to teach them how to communicate through words, not actions.  Hitting a child anywhere on their body and telling them at the same time "Don't hit" just gives them mixed messages.  Am I being judgemental?  No.  I'm just stating a fact.  It's the same as if you yelled at your child saying, "DON'T YELL AT ME."  Who else HATED when their parents said, "Do as I say, not as I do."  ????  It's difficult for a child so young to accept and understand the confusion.  A two year old understands quite a bit but just has a difficult time communicating.  Yes, it's frustrating at 6:30 am when I am waking my child up from a deep sleep and expect her to get herself dressed (which she refuses to do at such an early hour) but won't let me do (because she's two and she can "do it herself)...and I'm already 10 minutes late getting out the door.  It continues to be frustrating when I try to buckle her in and she's squirming and refusing to sit in her seat and SCREAMING for all the neighbors to hear.  Am I embarrassed?  Yes.  Do I feel angry?  Yes.  Do I feel like screaming with her?  Yes.  Do I raise my voice?  Sometimes.  Do I feel guilty?  Of course.  Luckily, growing up with abuse on a daily basis in my house,  I have learned to control myself when it comes to my child.  She's going to cry anyway...whether or not I yell at her or hit her.  I talk quietly and calmly to her during her fits (mostly to calm myself).  I offer her music or a doll to make her happy.  I tell her "I'm sorry you're upset but we have to go to daycare now.  We can play later."  She hates my decision because she wants to be sleeping now...so do I.  I just remind myself this is the independent age and we both have to get through it somehow...it's difficult but we take it day by day.  She does well with time-out when she's been warned about something more than once.  I take priviledges away as a punishment...but these have to be consistent.  There's no use saying something is going to happen and then not going through with it.  This is just as confusing for the child as saying "Don't hit" while hitting them.  It is a researched fact that when a child is hit or yelled at, he or she becomes immune to the punishment.  Eventually, the parent can't get through to the kid.  They don't feel the pain of the hitting anymore and they don't hear the words being yelled.  They tune it out until the parent feels like they have lost total control.  The child becomes a teenager and doesn't know how to communicate properly because they were never taught.  They yell and hit and cause trouble.  If you tell your two year old that hitting isn't nice, give them some other way to communicate that is nice.  You may sound like a broken record saying, "We don't hit our friends, we ask nicely for a toy."  But at least you are helping them adjust socially instead of letting them think that hitting their friend to get what they want is okay...but hitting your child in his or her face to get what you want (him to sit down in his seat) is teaching him these skills.  I'm not judging and my mood isn't angry.  I am an educator and a counselor.  Hitting your child once a day or thirty times a day or only when you have no other choice is all the same to a child.  We all lose control - but don't lose it now when he's two and can't help his behaviors...teach him the right way now so you don't have an out-of-control teenager.  It is difficult but ignore his tantrums.  When he doesn't get attention he'll stop.  Tell him, "I understand that you are upset with me, but you can't have/do/...right now."  Tell him what he can have/do/etc. right now to get him away from his angry state.  If he continues, ignore it and tell him to talk to you when he's ready.  I try to think of my child as being my friend first...how would I treat my friend's child in the same situation?  Would I have as much respect and patience for my child as I do for hers?  Have I ever lost my temper and hit my child?  Yup.  I smacked her hand.  Did I feel guilty?  I cried and hugged her as soon as it happened.  I promised myself I would never lose my temper again because of the way it made me feel.  Is it difficult sometimes, of course...but I don't want to repeat negative behavior.  Instead I remind myself of what I know about child development.  Do I shout sometimes...of course.  Do I feel badly.  Of course.  We all have our bad days and not one of us is perfect.  Do I condone hitting and yelling - absolutely not...but we can't judge people for what they do or don't do.  We all have our different circumstances.  She's not alone in the way she feels frustrated - that's for sure.  She may be part of a small percentage of people who use physical reprimands to control their children - but she is asking for help.  As parents, we're not perfect.  We all make mistakes.  "It takes a village to raise a child."  Let's take a step back and just give advice.  Like my mom used to say, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."  If you don't have good advice to give, don't post.  I hope the original poster gets some good ideas on what to do to help her relationship with her child.  Resorting to any form of physical punishment is sad for the child.  If anyone out there feels that they are losing control please get help.  A little smack could turn into a big problem for some people.  When the little smack doesn't work anymore - what will?  Please get help for yourselves so the children are helped!  April is "Child Abuse Awareness Month".  Support the children!

The last post was wonderfully honest and wise. There was no judgement, sarcasm or nastiness. I often feel the same way-- constantly struggling to be a better parent, hoping that I'll learn to control my temper, admitting and apologizing to my child when I do. It takes constant vigilance, and just when you think you have it handled, the child changes, and you need to readjust your thinking. I've been reading positive discipline books for two years now, and I can't say enough about this way of parenting. It takes loads of patience, but it makes parenting a lot more enjoyable. It makes me feel pretty proud when I overhear my older child calmly tell his younger sister not to hit, but to use words. Or when I explained that when some one is angry, they might be feeling bad about something and a hug could be nice; a few days later, he hugged me after I lost my temper. It's showing respect for your child and trying to put yourself in their shoes. Time outs can be positive too. When my kids are acting up, I'll take one aside, away from the situation, make eye contact, describe the problem, and tell them to let me know when they're ready to "behave" and join the group. The negative time outs, isolate, abandon, and can make a child feel lousy about themselves-- as if you're rejecting the child, not the behavior. Time outs can also lead to power struggles. What do you do when they don't stay in their room, chairs, whatever?

Thank you for the support and the advice.

i feel sorry for the 2 year old

I am a SAHM of three beautiful little girls and like your child, they are all well-behaved, with the occasional acting out.  I do spank my children.  It is not the only form of discipline my husband and I use, but it is effective when other forms seem to fail.  I don't see any problem with a good old-fashioned spanking when necessary.  There are a few cautions with it however.  One of those is just always being aware of your level of control.  It sounds to me like you acted calmly and that is what I consider to be the right way.  If spanking is an outlet for your frustration and anger that's when it crosses the line.  Spanking is an act of discipline, not punishment.  If you are angry take a few to calm down, your daughter will remember her wrong-doing.  I personally try not to smack in the face, I agree that it is more insulting and reactionary than disciplinary.  A lot of that thinking was just how I was brought up, I was taught that smacking in the face is a mindless reaction which shows our lack of control.  I'm not saying that is how you reacted, just that for myself, I shy away from that action.  When our children react negatively, they must receive a negative consequence so that they realize that whatever they just did hurt them.  It is similar to the stove.  Some children are fine with you telling them it is hot and they stay away, others feel the need to touch the stove anyway, just to see for themselves.  The stove burning them is a negative consequence to their negative action.  Children will often learn not to touch the stove because it hurts when they do... common human reaction.  Even as adults we stay away from doing those things that hurt us.  That is what I believe the effect of spanking is, it shows the child when nothing else will that their actions caused a painful (whether to their pride, or actual hurting on their bottoms) outcome.  Ideally they will be much more cautious the next time around, remembering the encounter from the last time.  It's how we all learn and become aware of the fact that there are positive and negative consequences to all of our actions.  Something my husband and I do after we have disciplined our children, is to then reach out to them with love.  We feel that by hugging them and telling them we love them, and also by explaining to them why they got the spanking helps to reinforce that it was done as a tool of teaching them (discipline) rather than as a tool of anger (punishment).  It also allows us to make sure that they realize what their spanking was for and opens up lines of communication with our children.  I hope this was helpful and not pushy, it's just how my husband and I have decided to bring up our children. :)

 

 

I think your original title set the tone...instead of "alternatives to physical discipline," you wrote "smacking my 2 year-old."

 There are a lot of great books out there with some wonderful suggestions.  Try No-Cry Discipline Solution and Negotiation Generation.

 To me, the key is understanding what is a developmentally appropriate expectation, anticipating trouble spots, avoiding trouble spots when possible, and staying in control when you hit them any way.

 Of course she thinks everything is a game--she's 2!  So, try to change the rules of the game.  Tell her your expectations in advance.  Make getting in the car seat mandatory, but give her some reasonable choice (maybe which toy she brings or something like that).  Remind her beforehand that she must be buckled in but that she gets to choose her toy.  Put her in.  Even if she struggles and screams, don't hit her.  She'll eventually understand it isn't playtime if you are consistent.  You may have to repeat it endlessly, but know that just because they understand, doesn't mean they can always meet every expectation every time.  Discipline is that learning process that gradually gets them there.