Babble

So, we see how moms may even gripe about having to associate with newfound "friends" just because their kids play together, etc. But dads on their own don't often have anything like that sort of network, right? Do you get bummed out about being left out of playground chit-chat? Relieved? Ever wonder if it would even be an affront to your dignity to meet up with other dads with your tykes in tow and doing dad-like things maybe ... like having a beer in the afternoon, shooting pool, or somesuch? Can't help but think of that TV episode -- "Malcolm in the Middle"?? -- where the dads used their kids in a high-stakes game of shuffleboard!

I mean, we ain't gonna sit around over tea or gossip or shop, right? So what do we do? Me, I pretty much keep to myself, but I wonder what the rest of you are up to.

i have a hunch hangin out the boys will be more common as our kids get older and more eager to kick and hit things, but yes, i agree, dads should have playdates too. to reminisce about the good old days when the ladies laid our napkins on our laps and served as beef stew ... kidding. maybe a tallboy in a brown paper bag at the playground is the angle. so we can summon the courage to trade childcare tips.

 

I took over the full-time parenting reins just before my kid turned 1. Middle of February in Toronto - talk to me about isolation. I lasted like three days before I was out the door ("He'll be fine, it's only minus 12"). I was lucky for a free, all-morning child-caregiver drop-in around the corner, with coffee. Maybe it was where I landed, but it was exactly what was needed. Mostly moms, grandmothers and nannies, but the occasional other dad. Other drop-in and play-time places were all moms, and for a while it didn't really matter. Drop-ins were important for me, if only available in the mornings. I learned songs. I got comfortable talking with women I didn't know about breast pumps. I was still a bit isolated, but had contact with the outside world.

After a few months though (I was off for seven months) things got a little weird. I'm not one to need a lot of testosterone around to comfort me - I've worked mostly with women for the past few years - but there's a limit. I found a general balance in the neighbourhood as things got warmer in spring. Being in a very urban area definitely helped. Anonymity is good for full time dads. My spaces when I'm on my own - galleries, parks, main drags (Queen Street, Bloor Street, etc) - were revisited with stroller, and it was good. I hadn't had time to wander the city like this in years, and revisiting with infant made it entirely new. I think my kid benefited from it, too. His first crawl-around-in-non-kid-public-spaces experiences were in galleries. He was slow so there was time to look at art and catch up with lost contacts (non-parents) on what had been going on in the neighbourhood while we were in our newborn bunker.

Then we left the city. We moved to Halifax, a much smaller isolated city of about a half-million people. We got him into daycare by fluke within weeks of arriving, but it was an entirely different experience here. He and I out during the day was a novelty. It was nice to have friendly folk coo over him - at 18 months he ate it up - but the often-voiced assumption was ‘daddy's day with baby' with offers to help, and "did [I] know he was teething?" It subsided with his going to daycare, and there (YMCA) it's an even mix of mom's and dad's dropping off and picking up their kids.

When we go for baby round two, I think I want to be back in the city. I wouldn't give up parental leave for anything, having done it, and with the local legislation both parents get a full year if they can afford it. But I don't want to be singled out in my isolation as a full-time dad, I'd rather take it at my own pace.

DC

I don't feel that isolated, though I'm the only dad in our regular playgroup.  Oddly, I haven't really hit it off with many of the other dads who frequent our parks -- I get on better with the moms.  Maybe I'm just girly.

DonC:

When we go for baby round two, I think I want to be back in the city. I wouldn't give up parental leave for anything, having done it, and with the local legislation both parents get a full year if they can afford it. But I don't want to be singled out in my isolation as a full-time dad, I'd rather take it at my own pace.

DC

 I guess the trend is that we're rugged individualists in this, eh? Better to be a little anonymous in the city, you're right.

Funny that mention of art viewing. I took my twins to the Guggenheim the other day, and none of us saw a thing. They wanted to touch Picassos, roll around on ramps, try to peer over the certain-death drop, but never paused at a painting. They WERE willing to watch a twisted vid, that showed some cartoon dad playing with his daughters, and then got pervy as he repeatedly smacked their bare bottoms ... had to hustle them out quick!

I'm not that keen on playdates as I prefer the freedom and casualness of the park. It's a little like Samuel Johnson's preference for public houses vs. private parties. You can arrive whenever you please and stay as long as you like without having to proffer thanks or admire the new carpet.

You talk to whoever shows up and don't get involved with co-ordinating schedules. By playing it this way I struck up a friendly but non-committal relationship with several other regulars. We've renewed acquaintances with much pleasure this spring - I can even remember some of their names.

Every major city should have an organized Dad playgroup.  I just moved from Chicago where Dads meet every week at a playground or museum, and they also meet for drinks once a month at a bar.

 Now I live in Cincinnati, and I had to start my own Dad's playgroup because there wasn't one in place.  I wrote an article for the weekly paper, and I met a few neighbouring Dads at athomedad.org.

I encourage anyone feeling isolated to take action and meet up with other Dads by getting a group together or finding one that already exists.  It really helps.

Sorry I'm a little late to this thread. I hope y'all are still hanging around out there someplace. 

This is a fantastic idea. I work for a nonprofit called KaBOOM! that is all about making the issue of play and playspaces (playgrounds/parks/skateparks/sports fields/etc) more prominent. We've got a free database of playspaces that Dads new to an area might be able to make use of at www.kaboom.org/playspacefinder. If you don't see your park or playground in it, please add it in. 

Other than that, what can we do to help Dads who are feeling isolated find each other?

Amy 

Young infants develop a strong attachment towards the mom. At this age, they are completely dependent upon her for their needs, such as being fed or being put to bed. It is only when they start growing older that children start accepting the dad as a parent. http://www.greatdad.com/centers/332/how-to.html here you will find good options that you will forget the word Isolation. The site has other issues related to single dads and stay at home dads also.