Babble

Looking for some advice here...my husband has been telling our friends that he will probably not be around for the birth of our first child because he will "probably be away at the time for work."  I am only 10 weeks pregnant and the thought of going through it alone scares me and it pisses me off that he has written it off so soon!  I talked to him about how I feel and got yelled at about the fact that he's financially supportive.  I'm lost.   

How upsetting!!!! I feel for you. Hang in there, though, because it really does take somewhat longer for husbands to get the realness of having a baby. After all, he's not going through the physical changes that you are. Having said that, I believe that as your pregnancy progresses, he'll come to "see the light" and never dream of missing the birth of your child. 

Chalk up his insensitivity to fear or ignorance for the meantime. Things will get better. (It's been amazing to see how my husband has changed in the last 8 months.)

Abbybee,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband doesn't seem to be on the same page as you right now.  Depending on where he works (whether or not he works with other daddies) that situation probably won't fly.  I wouldn't think that any employer would expect him to be absent for the birth of his first child!  And even if he wanted to, I think it would end up reflecting poorly on him with his coworkers/superiors.  He'll probably figure that out soon enough.

 As for the idea that he's providing the financial support, that tends to be a big sticking point with men who work while their wives stay home with the babies. It's probably important that you acknowledge that with him enough so he knows that you appreciate his financial support (men tend to need that pat on the back), but you may need to find some non-nagging ways to impress upon him his emotional responsibility to the new baby too.  This might reflect how his family dynamic worked when he was growing up (only dad worked and made the money while mom did everything else...). 

 As he gets more involved in the reality of your new roles not only as husband and wife, but as daddy and mommy, he'll probably come to have a new perspective on where his priorities are. 

 Good luck,

Kimberly

Abbybee,

Sorry to hear about your husband. I'm sure he'll come around; maybe he's anxious and just doesn't know how to express it very well? Not to sound sexist, but he wouldn't be the first man in the world to struggle with that. Also, have you considered having a doula (professional birth attendant) at the birth? They are in no way meant to 'replace' your husband, but they can be a tremendous support-- for both of you actually. We hired one for the birth of my son and I can emphatically tell you that she was worth her weight in gold. Even if your husband is completely on deck with the whole thing from the get go, it's still a pretty overwhelming experience in some ways, and I think it helps a lot to have a third party who has 'seen it all' a thousand times before; and is objective (as in, not a family member or member of the hospital staff etc.) to guide you through. Just a thought. Let me know if you have any other questions, I'd be happy to tell you more. 

Best of luck with everything, regardless.

Holly

First - get a doula.  that will help you in either case, but especially if your man isn't present. 

You don't really give enough information here.  What does "probably be away at the time for work" really mean?

Is he just guessing or is there a specific obligation that he's aware of?  What's at stake for his job?  Is this possible obligation mandatory?  Sorry - but what you've presented here is way too ambiguous to make some kind of judgement about your husband's sense of emotional obligation.

If he doesn't have a specific obligation in mind yet then he's most likely laying groundwork to try to get out of being present.  In this case, it's probably anxiety and he's trying to escape responsibility.  You need to calmly convince him that you need him.  You MUST remain calm and not get into a power struggle!!!  If it becomes a power struggle all is lost - you'll both end up trying to coerce the other into your viewpoint.

But he may have a real obligation that puts his ability to earn money at stake.  You don't explain.

That being said, I personally think that fathers should be present at the birth of children if at all possible (this coming from a man).

Hi Karen, Kimberly, Holly and K1,

Thanks for all of your advice and support.  I am lucky to have a few friends who are doulas and I'm even luckier to have a husband who has turned around...and does plan to be there for the birth after all!  I think we are both somewhat scared but are working through everything together.  Thank you for your thoughts and well-wishes.   

That's great to hear!  The pregnancy thing really can be a challenging time for a couple.  I think we all have preconcieved ideas about what our husbands should be doing, saying and how they should be acting about becoming a father.  We compare them to our own experiences with our families or how our friends' husbands acted, etc. and can often feel let down or frustrated when they don't do what we're thinking they should be doing. 

That said, it's a good opportunity to open up to one another about our expectations and paradigms and to rethink why we expect certain things from them.  (Not that expecting your husband to be present at the birth is anything out of the ordinary, but his comments may have been a symptom of another underlying fear/concern on his part.)

Best of luck!!

OMG - I'm so sorry that you aren't getting the support you need from your husband.  I had a similar situation, but it'll only depress you to hear about it, so I'll get right to the "how I'd do it over again" part of it!  First, since he's already written it off, prepare yourself in the same way.  You'll still be pissed about it for a really long time, but it is what it is & you can't force someone to act the way you think they should - that only spurs further resentment.  Make a plan & a backup plan & stick to it and eliminate him from either one.  And let him know he's eliminated from your birth plans.  (and be prepared for neither plan to work out the way you'd hoped - the end result is a beautiful baby, regardless!)  Have your mother, your sister, or your very best friend take his place, someone you know from the bottom of your heart will not disappoint you & be there for YOU in YOUR time of need.  My mom stood in with me and was surprisingly amazing!  I wouldn't change it that for anything, now.  Most men tend to think it's about the baby, not about the woman actually giving the birth.  I'm truely sorry that your husband is acting like an inconsiderate, selfish jerk.  I hope that he comes through for you after all, but again, he's only a man, so don't hold your breath.  I apologize for sounding so cynical, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about what a sorry excuse for a father my daughter (now 7 months) has.  And to this day, my biggest regret is begging him to be there, expecting him to show up, and leaving that window of opportunity open for so long, trying to be the bigger person in the situation.  When he failed me miserably, I felt so angry with myself for not thinking ahead to protect my emotional well-being for my newborn and was too consumed with concern for him & that's just absurd.  So, please don't make my mistake.  Let him go his own way if that's what he feels he needs to do.  Let yourself feel nothing but the sheer joy and love you'll have for your baby without the intrusion of concern for your husband, who, although he's acting like a spoiled child who needs to be the center of attention, is actually a grown man capable of making the right decisions (although that doesn't mean he will).  I know you really want him to be there to share that joy with you, but if he's not, then you get all that joy for yourself!  I'm sorry to say that most men are just not considerate of woman's pregnancy these days.  Only a pregnant woman understands why it used to be called a "delicate" condition - that's all inclusive of emotions & does not warrent being yelled at for any reason.  Besides, "supporting" his family shouldn't always be a financial term.  I'd think you and your baby deserve more than just his financial support - you know there's much more to life - so is that reall all he's got to offer you?

don't think all is lost.. I've been where you are and all I can say is that he was there when our baby girl was born and it was the most amazing day ever.  i reckon he's suffering from nerves and he's unsure about his role in the future - he sees his life being taken over and he's trying to stand his ground a bit.  as you grow and he realises that you and his baby need him he will come around I'm sure of it.  I can understand people getting angry about it but not all men react to pregnancy in the same way. s ome relish it - others are terrified but too scared to admit it.  my husband could not connect with me throughout my pregnancy - he simply didn't get it.  it hasn't made him a bad dad in any way... he's amazing.  You have to understand his reactions and be strong for you and your baby.  You'll get through this and it will be the best experience of your life.  and you've got places like this babble, and gurgle to visit and get support from all of us other mums out there.  we're all rooting for you!

 I hope that by this time your husband has come around. If he hasn't, I would highly think about counseling now, because this guy has real issues. As a man and father, this kind of conduct is highly embarrassing and gives all of us a black eye. This is the most important time in his life and he should be relishing in it, not backing down. I lost a very cushy job because my employer was at a stage where they thought my job was more important than my wife and kids. I wouldn't trade the struggles and sacrifices for anything. I spend more time with my wife, my kids and finally have an idea how important family really is. Get him in gear and in tune!

 Hi Loresmom,  I'm so sorry about your situation but I am glad you have shared it and your wise response since I am going through something similar and feel completely distraught.  I too have written him off as a pillar of support, hired a doula and brought my mom in.  But I'm still so distraught that I worry about how my emotional state is and has been affecting my unborn child (I'm 35 weeks but have been upset for the past 2 months).  My problem is handling the anger and sadness.  What helped you?   Do I just have to slog through this?