ToddlerTube

Cow Attack!

Susie Felber — Fri, 16 May 2008 02:13:00 GMT

Has this blog jumped the shark? No, but now, it has perhaps jumped the cow. Behold the vicious cow of doom!

In other news:

I worked like a fiend to finish work early today too go see a doctor for my pink eye. Roughly $100 and four hours later, I have a little bottle, less than an inch high, of super special eye drops. If stinging means they are working, then they are working.

I am doing a MOS (man on the street) shoot tomorrow morning in midtown for the day job. Of course the biblical weather predicted means this won't happen, but we have decided to play chicken with the low front and boldly press on!

My other exciting performing opportunity was slightly delayed by my hideous eye. Soon, though. And linkage when it happens.

Hugo was so cute today my heart nearly shattered into small uneven pieces. However, in between adorable and perfect, he was cranky and annoying. I blame him for being a baby and me for having to schlep him into Manhattan and through traffic to get my undead zombie eye fixed.

Holy Cannoli! It's about that time -- time for me to shut up!

Lotsa lurve Internet chickadees,

And beware of cow attacks,

xoxo,

Susie

There Will Be Blood

Susie Felber — Wed, 14 May 2008 02:19:00 GMT

For the second time in a week Hugo fell and put on a dazzling show of gushing blood. Mommy nearly needed a Klonapin. No, that's not true. Actually, I found myself oddly calm both times. Fearing the worst gets me crazy. The worst happening, makes me focus.

But anyway, last Thursday's trip and fall on the wonky sidewalk and today's inexplicable spill on the carpet both were a game of, "Where's the wound?" When there's lots of blood, nose, mouth, lips... it's hard to tell from whence it came. Today it was the nose. And like last week's fall, it seemed really bad -- letsgototheemergencyroom bad -- and then stopped within less than five minutes.

But even with his amazing self-healing powers -- is this what toddlerdom is about? Injuries that are nerve-wracking and unpreventable? Really? What fun.

Speaking of something other than violent accidents, Hugo and I put together a box of cool handmedowns we are sending to his new cousin. I love the open of the video where Hugo is crying in a cliche open-mouthed baby way, especially as it stops on a dime as soon as something more interesting, like a ginormous box, comes along. And no, I can't remember what he was cranking about. And my guess is, neither can he.

Mucho thanks for watching and reading inter-friends!

xoxo

Susie

Family Secrets & Sunshine

Susie Felber — Tue, 13 May 2008 02:45:00 GMT

First a quick kvetch: I've come down with pink eye. Painful, itchy, unattractive and certainly caught from Hugo. This would all be a laugh but I've actually gotten on camera work for later in the week. Awesome! Fingers and eyes crossed that it goes away.

Secondly, via some minor Internet sleuthing, I cracked open a major family scandal that's nearly 100 years old. However, one family member still feels it's too hot to handle so I'm keeping quiet. Oh but it's good. Forget pink eye, my eyeballs nearly dropped to the ground when I read about this nefarious, and rather charmingly hilarious business. But no more on that.

While my relations were running from, around or into the law, the relations on my husband's side were growing prize roses and getting knighted for good deeds and such over in merry olde England.

Speaking of this Brit side, here's a super special guest video featuring Hugo's cousin Annie enjoying the early summer over there.

Ya, blazing sunshine and bathing suits in May... I certainly don't remember this from my Dickens.

Isn't she absurdly cuuuuuute? Isn't technology amazing? Don't you think it's odd she's not related to me by blood yet sports the fabulous diva hair?

OK, I've got to get some shut (pink)eye.

Happy Mother's Day

Susie Felber — Sun, 11 May 2008 17:32:00 GMT

Now call your mother.

I'm currently hanging out with my mother, so I don't need to call her. We can bicker in person!

I kid.

Because I love.

Lots of love to you and yours.

xoxo,

Susie

(New video coming soon!)

Golf-Playing Nazi Cats

Susie Felber — Sat, 10 May 2008 02:28:00 GMT

The title of this post comes from a conversation I was having with the man tonight over dinner (oh I made a fantastic dinner!). It was about an old saw in publishing about what sells books: golf, cats and Nazi's. I found it hilarious and hope the title has enticed a whole new slew of readers into the Toddler Tube fold. If you are new, welcome. Sit a spell. Put down your 9 iron, stroke your cat and enjoy this Jew girl's wandering prose...

First off, it's Friday. It's the freakin' weekend. But since you're here, it probably means you're like me: not willing to sell your kid to afford the babysitter. So, since we're all stuck in the house, here's a fab Web video I thought you'd enjoy: The Children's Guide to the Apocalypse.

What else? Well I'm so very sleepy. I worked mega hard today, hoofed into the city during today's Manhattan monsoon (except monsoons aren't as cold, right?) and I nearly kissed Hugo to death this eve. His new game of giving me a naughty smile before running headlong into my arms and laughing on impact, is a scene I keep replaying in my mind.

Unfortunately, I've no video of it as I was too busy living it. Like the dog walk we took in the pouring rain, there are some moments that can't be captured, not without a union film crew, at least.

Many apologies and I be back this weekend with a video of excitement. In the meantime, why not make your own magic and upload it to motionbox? Also, I've an idea... if you do that, please let me know and if it's under two minutes and features yer baby I'd love to embed it right here on this here blog. First/cutest come first served.

I leave you with this.

Can you scold dog for being on couch

... when baby is parked in his dog bed?

That's it for now Web. Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

xoxo,

Susie, who is sleepy and not just saying that to be cool.

Total Balls

Susie Felber — Fri, 09 May 2008 01:33:00 GMT

Is the title of this post perhaps about Hugo's early intervention assessment? No, not really. I'll tell the whole early intervention story soon, but the long and short of it is that:

#1 I liked the women who showed up this morning much more than I expected. They were kind and they were pros. Until recently I had forgotten that I was in speech therapy from age 5-12 and somehow couldn't get sprung from it once in. So I've bad memories of being trapped against my will, missing regular class in a land of dull dittoes and dull children, "taught" by sincere speech teachers I wanted to run screaming from even then. And due to this I've a chip on my larynx about the whole speech business, ya dig?

#2 I liked them speech ladies even more when I found out that Hugo is advanced in most areas, and just has a "33% speech delay." What exactly that means I'm still not sure. But I've a piece of paper declaring him a social and developmental star and that's nice. The fine motor skills of a 28 month old? The social/emotional skills of a two year old? The cognitive skills of a 33-year-old genius? Well slap me with a flounder, and call me Cedric! Thats fantastic! Oh and that last one was a bit of an exadggeration, but only slightly.

Speaking of balls, Hugo is obsessed with them. Here's two days in a row of ball kicking action. The first soccer ball you see wasn't his, he simply swooped in and stole the ball from a group of sweet Hispanic kids. The kids were really kind and also distracted by the dogs who had joined us in the park. Ever since the basketball net broke, the park has blossomed with all ages and genders and species and sports. We're all hoping the net doesn't come back. When the basketball net went up, this little park became for men 18+ only and there was no room for little girls, kids skating, playing handball, playing with their dogs, playing soccer, etc. Note to self: Call the Mayor's office tomorrow to request the net not be fixed...

G'night Internet. Lotsa love. xoxo, Susie

Late Early Intervention

Susie Felber — Thu, 08 May 2008 03:47:00 GMT

It's late right now. At night. I had a rare night out with an old friend. Bouley Bakery. Fantastic. The company, if not the grub. And this friend so tender and genius-y and fun, recently got a book deal based on her This American Life story that aired on the radio and was so good I had goosebumps and kept driving around and around the block (with Hugo in the back) just to hear the whole thing.

And I'd love to tell more but it's near midnight and -- oi -- the NJ early intervention team is (finally) coming tomorrow way early to stare at Hugo and listen and take notes on his talking and/or lack of it.

I know this is a big issue because my first post about this has gotten many search engine hits with things like: http://www.google.com/search?q=my+son+does+not+speak+at+all+and+he+is+18+months

Also "speak 18 months boys" and "how many words should child speak at 19 months" and "my baby is 28 months but does not talk full sentences" and on and on and so the site stats reveal the full neurotic spectrum. Stuff a parent might've silently worried about now gets poured out to the all-knowing oracle that is the internet. And the interweb sends them to me? Poor things.

I'm a bit peeved because even if he isn't using a lot of words, I know he's normal and smarter than normal and I'm not saying that because he's mine. He understands everything, he's delightfully social and ever since he turned the babble back on, the fact that he's got his own language doesn't bug me. However it's the early intervention folk I'm worried about.

I had to call them the other day. This 34 second video will explain all or some, or my annoyance.

Awesome, ya? Ya. OK pals. More on this fun tomorrow.

For now, xoxo & I remain,

slightly cranky and also,

Susie

Wheel Good Grub

Susie Felber — Wed, 07 May 2008 01:59:00 GMT

Going out to dinner with a baby is hard. This is probably why we never ever did it until recently. You never know when you might suddenly need to stop sipping your Shiraz and slip out the back door if -- nay when -- Jr. starts making enough of a fuss to make the other patrons hate you. And as I was someone who wasn't so fond of the babies before having one, I feel Hugo's every public peep like a thunderclap.

But now, with the nice weather, outdoor cafes are calling. Dining al fresco, you needn't worry about baby's squeals bouncing off of the walls. The occasional piece of bread that flies? Well it's not a scandal, it's a pigeon's repast! And if there's a diaper smell, it's a cinch to blame it on any one of the homeless lads that waft by.

But seriously, the very bestest part of eating on the sidewalk, is the free floor show. Because for Hugo, nothing beats vehicles for pure entertainment and as you can plainly see, he's a bus groupie. Please note how he literally stops breathing -- stops mid-cough -- when I mention the word "bus."

Note: I'm thinking this bus and car worship might not work for little girls. Am I right?

In other news, Hugo is having his early intervention assessment on Thursday. Actually, it was to be last Thursday, but they cancelled on us that morning. I know fellow Babble blogger Rebecca can relate. I'll tell you and show you more on this NJ state-sponsored speech nonsense tomorrow.

And in other other news, I may be doing a little something something exciting in the comedy/performing world next week. Sorry to be vague but I guess I'll report more on this when it actually happens.

All the best Babble friends and big xoxo,

Susie

Big Plans

Susie Felber — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:27:00 GMT

First of all, I missed babe, man and dog and I am glad to be home. Leaving was hard, but once I dislodged myself and it was too late to turn back, it was really good for me. The husband not only didn't burn down the house, the place looked pretty darn fine and he did an amazing job keeping baby, dog and fish alive.

Secondly, I miss the convertible Spyder I was driving in Florida after the universe erred in my favor when the kind guy at Budget rental car gave me -- at no extra charge -- a two-seater convertible that was like a primo stereo on wheels. Oh it was delightful. My hair still has not recovered and I've got bugs perma lodged between my teeth, but it was worth it.

Thirdly, I miss Sharon and selfishly hope she moves back north someday. Oh, and Sharon neglected to tell me until Saturday that she'd won the $10,000 Henfield prize for her novel-in-progress. I was so happy for her I started crying like it was a very special episode of Little House. The woman is so fiercely talented I know she's going to be a huge art star so I already feel cool by association. Speaking of writers I know...

BIG PLANS is the name of a new book you should buy. I just got my copy from Amazon today. Here's Hugo & I pimping it.

This book is by the same Bob Shea who wrote and illustrated NEW SOCKS. Here's Hugo enjoying that title last year...

I might get to see Bob this weekend and I'm very excited as it has been too long, etc. etc.

Speaking of big plans. I plan to sleep one of these days. Like maybe tonight. Like maybe right now. Like maybe I should stop typ -- Zzzzzzz zzzz ZZzzz

xoxo,

Susie

PS Zzzz ZZZZzzz ZZzz

Sunday Night Funnies

Susie Felber — Mon, 05 May 2008 03:05:00 GMT

I'm back from Florida, reunited with man and Stan and kissed up the Hugo something fierce. Made something silly whilst killing time on the plane... thought I'd share. Back at you tomorrow with new vids and stories and excitement. xoxo, Susie

Chemo Cuties

Susie Felber — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:09:00 GMT

I'm in Florida right now visiting a writer/teacher friend, all on my own -- away from the babe and the man unit as of last night. This is my first time away from Hugo for 24 hours, ever.

It's blazingly sunny as I blog this outside a fab joint called the 2nd St. Bakery in Gainesville. Spanish moss hangs from the trees. Some massive bird just flew by -- think it was a pterodactyl. A cup of sliceable coffee is being had. A cookie with chocolate, pistachio and cranberry has been demolished. Hey, it's my lunch, cut me some slack! Also, calories don't count beneath the Mason Dixon line. OK I made that up. ANYWAY...

I'm visiting my friend Sharon (above) because she's awesome. But luckily her cancer gave me a great excuse to come see her. Yay cancer! But seriously folks, today marked her last chemo treament. And so when the nurses (who were obviously really fond of her) revealed that they had a special final chemo song for her, I knew I had to grab my camera. I didn't think I'd share it here, I just thought she'd want it for posterity. But Shar is the opposite of shy about this and really eager to share the Shands serenade with all her friends and all of y'all. I hope you love it as much as we do.

The nurse told us the song comes from Illinois. Their singing was aces but the confetti really brought it home, no? I am really pro-confetti. I'm kind of bummed they didn't break it out at NYU when Hugo was born. That would've been awesome.

Since this is Toddler Tube, here's a pic of the toddler, even though he's hundreds of miles away. I took this pic yesterday. The fact that he's playing concerned baby doctor, is just a coincidence, swear.

I know sweet-smelling baby and his handsome daddy and his recovering doggie are doing swell, and not because I call every ten minutes.

I only call every 20 minutes.

Ba Dum BUM!

Love to you, Internet friends

And also kisses,

:) <-- and sincere emoticons too.

Susie

Kiss Me & Smile For Me

Susie Felber — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Stan the dog is on the mend!! Paws crossed! After emptying our bank account in vet bills (dog care this week cost roughly a 42" plasma HDTV) and shaving years off our lives in worry, Stan is eating again, if not drinking. Yesterday, his more than $600 in sonograms (!) showed no cancer and no terrible ticker problem. He's most likely got a pancreas issue. And apparently, one of the treaments for this is no food or water. And so, Stan laying in a heap not eating or drinking was possiby healing himself using ancient dog wisdom. If only he had told us, we might be enjoying high-def Yankees games, instead of what we're doing now...sitting in front of a radio and glaring at his furry ass. Here's a video from this weekend I didn't want to post for fear he was dying. Thanks Thor, he ain't.

Tonight, I'm leaving on a jet plane. Do know when I'll be back again: Sunday afternoon. But I'll be blogging from the road. I'm leaving Hugo for the first time ever to go see this writer/professor friend in Florida from my Comedy Central days. BTW, y'all should buy "Pornhounds" her original autobiographical comicbook and if you're a big studio you should option it for a movie/TV series.

Man unit will be caring for Hugo and I'll be providing guidance on how to insert food into baby (mouth only!), how to find the butter (in the butter section of the fridge) and not leave the stove on (this one's going to be a toughie). OK I am of course milking this for comic effect. My husband is not retarded. He's just a man (incurable) and I am just a psycho worry wart (a mom).

Special thanks for my ability to get to the airport goes to S. and Finnegan, as they will be covering Hugo care this evening until man unit comes home. I hate asking favors, I far prefer giving them. I am however, extremely massively grateful for S. and her kind babysitting help. And so if Finnegan wants a pony? It's his.

Speaking of comic effect, this recent piece from 23/6 is hella funny. Check it out:

"New study confirms anecdotal evidence: kids aren't worth it"

Thanks Internet and more soon, including me flipping out being away from babe or me dancing on a tabletop due to being away from babe.

Gettin' Handsy

Susie Felber — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:59:00 GMT

File this vignette under "things I didn't think I'd enjoy but now totally go to mush over." Actually, I guess one could say that's my experience with Mr. baby in a nutshell. Anyway -- let's go to the video(no)tape!

In other news, the only news I can think about -- Stan the dog is still not better. He finally ate a few shards of food late this afternoon so we're encouraged. Was it due to the painkiller the vet gave him this morning? Was it laying off the antibiotics... that we're about to start up again? Is he just better? We've no idea and yet -- just choosing to be positive.

Here's another pic of Stan and Hugo from a few months ago, chillin' out (and beging for love) in his nursery.

Night Internet. Sorry I'm not chattier but I'm spent from worry and work.

xoxo,

Susie

Country Mouse

Susie Felber — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:51:00 GMT

First a picture of Hugo (l) and Stan (r) having a chat about our bumper crop this past fall. Then we'll get onto talking about the here and now and all...

OK, so Stan the dog is still sick and we've still no idea what's going on. Concentrating is hard. Sonogram is Wednesday. One moment I'm convinced he's dying and the next I tell myself it's just a bad tooth and once the antibiotics kick in... But he's still not really eating so the vet said no more antibiotics for now and -- Oi. I'm just going to refrain from telling you our dog's entire medical history, tempted as I am to do just that.

My mom has been calling about 50 X/day desperate to hear, "How Stan is now? Or now? And how about, right NOW?" And I act annoyed but I'm actually thrilled someone cares about this messy mutt as much as I do. Below is a video taken yesterday in the country. It was a brief respite from dog worries as when Stan is out, he seems to perk up and somehow he's "full of the joys of spring" as my man says.

Thanks for watching Web dears. See you tomorrow.

Lots of xoxo,

Susie

Baby Healer

Susie Felber — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 02:38:00 GMT

Stan the dog is sick. And we are sick over it. We've been to the vet, been told he most likely has heart disease, he's gotten I.V. fluids, X-rays and a B12 shot, antibiotics...but we won't know until he has a sonogram what exactly is going on. I'm tempted but not going to write a swan song for him yet. I waiver between thinking it's over -- and crying a lot and yes even praying -- and convincing myself it's just an infection and will clear up and this heart thing is not very serious.

Stan's been curled up in a heap, often in closets, and Hugo chooses to sit with him. Sometimes Hugo also tries to make his dog bed more comfortable, by dragging a blanket in. Here are the two closet cases in action, follwed by a rather embarrassing picture I took of Stan for Hugo's baby shower invites.

Night Internet. I will try to keep it together and keep you posted.

xoxo,

Susie

To the Baby Go the Spoils

Susie Felber — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:44:00 GMT

Grandma Layton indulges Hugo? Um, ya, a little. While I bristle when my mother buys me stuff no matter how small, I love it when she brings him life's unnecessities -- such as the ultra jazzy tot-sized Adirondak chair you see in this video.

Major props to Uncle Michael for showing the babe how to properly dock his rump to get in and out of his chair. Empowered by this new skill, it's all he wanted to do. As you can see, Hugo was up and down more than a whore's drawers.

OK Internet, I'll be back this weekend with more earth-shattering delights.

xoxo,

Hot Slice 'o Seder

Susie Felber — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:02:00 GMT

Here's a window into our Passover hoedown this year. Our numbers may have been diminished due to various propinquity and operating difficulites, but we done it nonetheless.

Speaking of trials and tribulations, my man was ill that day with stomach some thin' or other and laid up all day (hence the Coke he's nursing) plus one of our guests was injured in a freak accident as she sat down, and much time and debate over whether we should go to the emergency room or proceed with brisket and prayers. We desperately needed a doctor and a rabbi. But in the end she bled, got bandaged, and decided to press on like a trooper (she's a goy so special bonus points there). Let's go to the video tape!

Hilarious, right? Also notice that baby was blatently violating the rules and eating before the festival meal had commenced. Tsk tsk.

Actually, it was a very short Seder this year. But we opened the door for Elijah (who was a no show again, and he wonders why we pour him the crappy wine?) and we said "next year in Jerusalem" even though we much rather win a trip to Fiji or Snowbird.

Oh and much to my man unit's dismay -- baby loved the gefilte. Gevalt!

Thanks for watching Internet and I wish you all a sweet and prosperous matzah time.

xoxo,

Non-MTV Cribs

Susie Felber — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 04:07:00 GMT

Hugo naps at noon. By 12:05 he's a zombie and he's usually out by 12:06. He's trained like a seal is all. Anyway, this video shows off the highlights of his nursery as he's drifting off. I don't know if it takes a village to raise a child, but it does take one to trick out a babe's room this nicely.

By the way, Steve, whose painting is currently on perma loan to Hugo, is an amazing illustrator (you probably see his work if you watch the commercials during recent Yankees games) who also has a daily sketch blog that s not to be missed. Check out sketchoftheday.blogspot.com. Also Pikey is an award-winning quilter, just a tad of evidence of this can be seen here. Not to sound "wet" as my Brit would say, but we are really lucky to know such talented artists and have them as family. Yes, boring sincerity -- deal with it!

Oh and the even crib itself is a hand-me-down from my photographer pal Shana. Plus with fabulous baby clothes flying at us from every direction, I think the only thing we've had to buy Hugo has been food. Ya, I feel very lucky.

See you soon Internet comrades,

Mwah!

xoxo,

Susie

Earth Day NJ: Mommy Flips Out

Susie Felber — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:23:00 GMT

Jumbo Shrimp. Brooklyn College. And now, improbable as it seems, the deliciously oxymoronic Earth Day New Jersey. The man unit was working this past Sunday and I'd been too busy to plan ahead with friends, so Hugo and I had to find a way to entertain ourselves. I loathe shopping, so during naptime, when I read about the park with Earth Day Fair and promised children's activities, I said what the hay. Check out my thrilling quest through Satan's arse NJ. Driving less than 6 miles, took an hour. Oi. Sorry Earth, my bad!

In other news, I lost 3 pounds this week with moderate diet and exercise. Which is super impressive if you hadn't read about last week's scandalous weigh-in. Oh well. Keep on keepin' on...

Coming this week, stay tuned for a peek or three into our wacky, fun, drama and food-filled Seder at Grandma's.

See you soon Internet friends.

Kisses,

UPDATE: Turns out Earth Day celebration was Saturday, not Sunday and the emails alerting me to the event just showed up late. But in my DUH-fense, before I went, I swear I checked the park's website. As you can see the website for Liberty State Park is one page with no links. But I dug and found the park's calendar of events, which you can see, hasn't been updated since 2001 (!).

Still, being caught in traffic and having a little girl in a pretty dress spit on my dog* was cool, right?

* The mother of the little girl didn't say anything to her daughter when/after she spit on my dog and since the mother was obviously a Muslim (she and what looked like the girl's grandmother were wearing the headscarves), I was too intimidated by my guilty liberal conscience to say anything/get visibly angry. But when after she spat twice, the little girl made as if to stamp on my dog like he was a little ant, I said, "No, we do not threaten dogs." But I said it in a really soft way as she wasn't my daughter and again, I didn't want to seem like I had anything against Muslims, because I don't.

I know, I'm an idiot for going to Earth Day the wrong day and possibly for being so careful I am incapable, in the moment, of giving minorities the same "me" I'd give anyone else.

15 Second Gourmet: Episode 1

Susie Felber — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:56:00 GMT

Behold -- the world premiere of my new, original Web cooking show. On every episode of 15 Second Gourmet, you'll learn how to cook tasty, nutritious meals in 15 seconds. Sound impossible? Oh no. Check it, yo.

I hope you enjoyed the maiden voyage of 15 Second Gourmet, the cooking show for extremely, ridiculously, absurdly busy moms. Why am I convinced it will be a hit? It cracks me up, for one. For two, aren't all moms are extremely, ridiculously, absurdly busy? Um, ya. My point exactly.

Note: This epsiode was brought to you by my procuring a bag of frozen mango chunks from Trader Joe's. If you want to be a five second alcoholic gourmet, they are also fab in sake in lieu of ice.

Note deux: Maple syrup can and should be added to the above smoothie if you aren't a mama on a diet (moi) or a baby who doesn't know the difference (Hugo). Also, Grade B maple syrup is roundabout 1/3 the cost of Grade A and I really don't get why. Grade B seems darker and more mapley, which in my book is the opposite of bad.

"No, I'm Not Pregnant. I'm Just Fat."

Susie Felber — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 03:20:00 GMT

File this one under: Grist for the Treadmill. Are you ready? First let's have an adorable photo of my spawn at the local "Tot Lot" and then we'll get to the big fat drama...

OK, so...the title of this post was honest to Thor my lightening-quick reply this afternoon when an old crone of a woman at Hugo's school looked at my belly, beamed, and said, "OH, are you expecting another?"

After I shot back my response, she said, "But that waistline, I thought..."

I repeated myself word for word saying, "No, I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat."

Undeterred she said, "Oh, I was thinking maybe we were getting another baby from you!"

This came after a morning in which two other teachers said I looked like "a model" and "gorgeous" in my cherry red empire waist number. I puffed myself up and said, "Target!" As in, "I know, I can't help it, I make even the simplest frock, rock!"

Let's recap here.

I'm far from obese. Seriously. I know the exact number at which someone my height becomes technically obese and I'm at least (insert funny absurdly gluttonous six-month scenario here) away from it.

And I'm thinner now than when I conceived the baby you see due north of these words. How many women can say that?

Yes, I'm trying to lose weight for boring healthy reasons and yes it's hard because I am highly confident. So confident, in fact, that someone thinking I was pregnant today didn't make me feel fat. It honestly just made me think that if one has big gazongas, one probably shouldn't wear an empire waist -- ever. Also, I think I should live a little and stop buying couture that cost less than a latte from Starbucks. Lesson learned.

So, where's the video? Ive got lots of new exciting videos. But we are experiencing technical difficulties please stand by.

I promise to blog this weekend and maybe even bring you a slice of the hot Seder action happening from Lawn Giland. The best part will be when my mother is surprised that a toddler has no interest in sitting patiently at a table loaded with fine China while we read about plagues from of a book with no pictures. Wait, did I say no pictures? Lies. There is a 60's woodcut of a shank bone, some slaves and bitter herb. Of course he'll love it.

Here is where I will not complain that without my father (dead, but who we do this Seder for, I think) or this brother (In LA, which is like dead except they sometimes appear at weddings) this Seder thing is a sad sham. Depressing. Oi, and it's my bi-annual reminder that I'm such a bad Jew. But never fear and courage -- to get through it, all we hafta do is eat until we look pregnant.

See how I tied that up? I'm so good.

But seriously, I gotta go. If I'm not well-rested my brisket will suffer. So will my impression of "the child who doesn't even know how to ask a question" -- that one has been slaying them like the angel of death for years.

Loving you Internet.

xoxo,

Susie

Romance & Radiators -- Hot Stuff!

Susie Felber — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 02:41:00 GMT

See that saucy cover? Thing is, my mom has a new book coming out 5.27.08. For those of you that don't know, which is most of you, my mother is an award-winning author who has published over 30 historical novels. As her new book is coming out roundabout Mother's Day, I've decided to pull out all the stops and be relentlesly gushy and promotional for her.

Why? #1 She writes a great book. #2 She is totally ridiculously, stupidly shy about being self-promotional. #3 I''ve written to "Regis & Kelly's Mom's Dream Come True Contest" for YEARS trying to get them interested in her only-spoken-to-me dream: having Kelly feature one of her novels as a great beach read. See my perky blog from 2005 about entering this contest -- somewhat hilariously, you can tell I was convinced we would win. It would cost them nothing! She so deserves it! But alas, no. Didn't happen.

So fine! As Babble is about kids and writing all that, I feel this is the perfect place to have you get to know her. She's my inspiration -- if she could have three kids and a career then impossible is nothing. OK, she did have a husband who was a doctor, but add in the fact that women of her generation didn't have careers and we're even steven. Almost, maybe?

Here's mom pre-me and pre-published novelist...

And here, way post-me and post-published 30 novels...

Lookie dat -- no surgery or botox or nothing, people! OK , stay tuned for more on her TK this month including awesome photos of her blatently subjecting me to secondhand smoke! Who misses the 70's? I do!

Speaking of HOT STUFF... Along with my job and all, I'm trying to learn how to make slammin' podcasts ( like this recent one I appear in but didn't make or write) and original vids. So I've taken on trying to make a book trailer for a friend. It's for an erotic anthology and I'm attempting to do one straight 'n sexy and one funny. We shall see!

OK so speaking of HOT -- here's a motionbox video of Hugo going wild with a radiator and a copy of the Financial Times* Arts section. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

*Linked brilliant article is by the man unit/papa de Hugo. Yes, I live to promote those I love -- deal!

NOTE: Second fab photo of mom by Lisa Whiteman

Two Angels & One Little Devil

Susie Felber — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:53:00 GMT

Recently, I hoofed up to Harlem to visit an old friend from my Comedy Central days who I hadn't seen in way too long. How long? Well heck, I hadn't gotten around to meeting her babies yet, and her babies are no longer babies, exactly. As we tried to download each other's trials and triumphs we'd missed in the last few years, her two girls flitted around the apartment, and my Hugo needed no more entertainment than following them like a fish in a school. Now I kind of understand how my mother managed three children. One child is hard. Two children is ridiculously hard. But at three children, I've noticed Hugo is entirely rapt as a follower. And as the third, I can relate.

We ate oatmeal cookies and mini-muffins while my friend's two girls graciously allowed Hugo to play with all their toys. They were beyond angelic. I hadn't been in the apartment more than 20 minutes before one of them simply plopped down in my lap and got cozy. I held my breath because it felt like such a rare, unexpected treat -- as if a monarch had just decided to land on my finger and pick up a copy of US Weekly. Without further blather, here's one of the beautiful offspring -- her mama thought she might enjoy seeing herself on this blog. I hope so.

Now come on! Isn't that darling? Its almost too much. Now check out her other girl -- dressing up like a princess on a Sunday, rocks!

Anywho, I hope it's not another too many years before I see this friend. She's so wonderful and cool and brilliant its going to be hard not camping outside her pad every weekend with dishevelled hair and crazy eyes, totally desperate for a playdate.

Now flash forward to tonight, and the video you see below where I filmed myself, hoping to blaze new artistic trails in this here Toddler Tube. As you'll see, a miniature cinematographer scuppered my best-laid plans. But still, you do get good garbage can advice and you'll get to dig my crazy new haircut. That's worth the price of admission alone.

All the best Internets and I'll see y'all tomorrow.

xoxo, Susie

Upscale Mommy

Susie Felber — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 02:24:00 GMT

"Upscale" as in -- OMG! How the cow did I gain 4.5 pounds in a week?!

Yes, spring has sprung, and so apparently, has my posterior.

To recap last Monday's weigh-in... I had lost 3.5 pounds with diet, exercise and a late-breaking stomach virus.

I felt my clothes slipping off of me. I has lost a total of 6.5 pounds. I felt my goal to lose 20 by 6/17 was perhaps too easy. I got Weight Watchers hubris telling myself I was obviously healthy for life with a metabolism that just won't quit.

FOUR POINT FIVE POUNDS. How? Why?

I dieted!

OK, there was my husband's birthday extravaganza meal at Devi which saw me eating everything that wasn't nailed down.

Oh and last night I had Chinese food while visiting my mom's house on Long Island -- what, you want that my mother should cook? Oh and also a couple of two-bite thingy's from Whole Foods, originally bought for the babysitter who's so skinny she doesn't cast a shadow.

I exercised!

OK, only four out of seven days... I think. Also I listened to way too many NPR, Bill Maher and Coffee Break Spanish programs on the treadmill, which made my workouts kinda intellectual & slow. But still...

I HAVE A THEORY!

Obviously, my husband is pumping nutella into my veins as I sleep. Bad husband! I think I saw a Lifetime movie about this.

In the photo you see here, my man unit looks happy enough, probably because his diabolical plan is working. Of course what his motive in this wife-fattening via hazelnut IV scheme might be, I haven't figured out yet but... COME ON PEOPLE, I'VE GOT TO BLAME SOMEONE! Good, glad we're on the same page.

Hey so here's my Hugo this evening at the park. Don't miss his grand finale trick at the end of the vid.

Night Internet. Please offer a prayer for my rump to get serious and skinnify itself this week.

xoxo,

Susie

Lucky Buddha Baby Belly

Susie Felber — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:03:00 GMT

It's been a rough week emotionally and physically. From a shared stomach flu to the dentist, to others being ill -- all while working and trying to wade through the speech delay intervention absurdity (we have an assessment to look forward to at some point) -- this week ain't no party, it ain't no disco, it ain't no foolin' around. I'm in bed right now under the cherry duvet at 9pm hoping to read a few pages of a book I haven't touched in weeks. In short, its not you, it's me. We are experiencing mommy meltdown, please stand by.

Rub this tummy for luck (try it -- it works, really!) and I'll be back in a flash with new videos and wonderment.

Patting this tum tum brings great fortune!

PS Can you believe he's 25th percentile for weight? He looks like the baby that ate Weehawken.

Come 4 the Cancer, Stay 4 the Candy

Susie Felber — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 03:32:00 GMT

Today I had work, but I worked from Sloan-Kettering where [redacted secret person] is getting treated for [redacted secret illness]. As these things go it was pretty nice actually. There are tinkling fountains there, lots of orchids, lovely old friends joined, and we enjoyed free wi-fi, coffee and all the hard candies you could eat. It almost makes a person want to be sick!

Anywho, then I had a playdate with S. which was delightful but then it was back to work and then onto the treadmill after 9:30PM and tomorrow I've dentist appointment at 8AM so that work doesn't get annoyed, then I've work, then the joy of seeing the accountant (is any of my drama deductible?). Oh and the key just broke in the lock so we've also the fun of meeting a locksmith. So basically? Life is a bit of a run around right now.

Here's a video from a simpler time: the weekend. As you can see, on the weekend, the run around is much more fun.

Night Internet. Big hugs to all o' youse.

xoxo,

Susie

Babysat

Susie Felber — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:02:00 GMT

I always swore I would not be the person who has a baby and then never gets a babysitter.

But lo and behold -- I am that person. My cheapness combines with my guilt that I already leave him in other people's care for too many hours a day And I'm one of those moms who has a perfectly happy child but I find it hard to chill out enough to trust my most precious snot-nosed diapered devil to just any one.

All that plus I'm just too exhausted at the end of the day these days to consider having fun anything but more work. And Hugo is starting to have separation issues, and mommy or daddy leaving the room can sometimes get him weepy.

That said, in the past 17 months we've hired a babysitter a total of three times. And she is just delightful. She's a stylishly hot church-going 18-year-old from a large family who attracts babies like a magnet. She is a teacher at Hugo's school and the babies seem to flock to her in a trance, much the same way fish hone in on Aquaman.

Heres a short vid of Hugo with his babysitter. When she comes to the house his mouth drops open -- as if I've gotten him Elvis, Kelly Clarkson and the Wiggles in one -- and he can not stop smiling. This video was taken after about 10 minutes of Hugo's intense screaming and laughing with joy. When I left the house there was no separation anxiety. In fact, he actually helped close the door as soon as I stepped out. "Sayonara mama, don't rush home!" This is why this woman is worth her weight in gold and more.

To those of you who don't get out much, what are your reasons? Or are there those of you who ring for a babysitter every evening? How's that working for ya? I'm interested. Do tell.

Stomach Bugged

Susie Felber — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:13:00 GMT

The good news: I've lost 3 pounds this week for a total of 6.5 lost. I'm well on my way to goal: losing 20 -- nearly as much as you see in that there wheelbarrow.

The bad news: Though I ate right and exercised my little patootie off on six out of seven days, some of that is due to having gotten food poisoning or a virus or who knows what. I was in pain on Saturday night and last night I shook with chills like a St. Vitus dancer and endured cramps until my insides finally gave up and waved the white flag.

I made it to the bathroom and did not pass out while there so I considered the whole trip a roaring success. This morning I was too dizzy to drive Hugo to school (yes daycare, I know!) so I left it to my man. But although I felt like death warmed over, and was running a fever, I did work as this is what one does when they telecommute. Since no one needed to see me, and I could reel around and not fear vomiting on some network execs shoes, I pressed on. I was convinced crampgate was all due to a bag of tainted baby carrots. But my man unit, who did not partake of the carrots, had to come home from work early and is currently laid up on the couch enduring the same crampy illness. So far, Hugo baby, the unrepentant culprit of all sickness, is fine. So "go know," as my mother would say.

As I'm feeling crap at the moment and must go walk the dog as the man unit is experiencing a rare malfunction, I'll leave you with a taste of Hugo's entertainment from this weekend's upstate trek. From all the raking and the barrowing around, we should be quite buff by now. If the commentary in this video is a bit dull -- you are right! I was too overcome by the cuteness. Couldn't speak. More clever V/O shortly.

Weekend Special

Susie Felber — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 02:52:00 GMT

Enough with the sharing already -- today's post gives you more thrilling baby video action than you can shake a stick at. Go ahead, try and shake a stick at it, I betcha can't!

Next time more sharing, podcast recommendations and the hotly anticipated results of this week's diet and exercise bender. Oh won't it be loverly?

See y'all soon!

Yer pal,

Susie

Baby Face(book)

Susie Felber — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:49:00 GMT

Come with me through the looking glass...

I Friendstered. I MySpaced. And while the fling was OK for awhile, I gave up on both. Friendster just because I had no incentive to go back and MySpace because it looks like 1995 threw up on it.

So when Facebook opened its doors to us oldies -- i.e. anyone out of college -- it seemed like just another social networking site.

And because I love the Web, and because I can always claim it's research for my job, I signed up right away.

At first it was fun to take quizzes, send virtual gifts (all the free ones are nothing but ads and we send them nonetheless) and snicker about how were were all acting like 14-year-olds again. We all agreed: what a useless waste of time this was!

But then, something happened.

Scrabulous.

OK, but then something else happened: long lost friends started finding me. And then I, started trying to find long lost friends. And lo and behold, wonderful people who had been 100% Google proof, were suddenly there for the picking.

So most every day since has been a game of "This IsYour Life" in the most wonderful way. And so far it shows no sign of letting up. Example: Mary was my great and brilliant friend from performing arts day camp and beyond. She was lost and now she's found. Here she is, still one of my favorite writers, blogging for Orbitz about travelling to Copenhagen with her toddler. Yes, that's her adorable offspring gracing the top of this post. I didnt even know the little mite existed until last month! FYI Because Orbitz was smart enough to hire someone as cool as Mary, I've decided to use them for every trip I take, including ones to the corner store.

It's clear to me now that Hugo will someday give a big "no way" when I tell him that once upon a time we humans could lose one another in the world and we had to suffer this loss and maybe just hope that someday we might meet someone who might know something sketchy about that someone. The best part? Thanks to Facebook, no one need go to a high school reunion ever again.

So me? I'm just going to kick off my shoes and enjoy this ride finding old friends from South Africa to those hiding in plain sight in Manhattan. Please note kicked off shoes in this video showing the person I socially network with the most: my Hugo.

Me, I gotta stop typing, eating flax flatbreads, and go to bed-e-byes.

See you soon Web dahlings!

xoxo,

Susie

PS Lurkers should feel free to leave comments. Come on possums! Tell me your sign, your favorite wine -- anything. I'm interested & 'll be here.