His wife Jeanne is helping. 3/31 is the due date. It's a boy. Code name: Fonzie Gromit Felber. Real name TK. Tomorrow is the baby shower. I am dying to go, but it's in LA and I don't have enough vacation time to see the kid both on the inside and the outside of the womb. So, if I gota pick, I'm going to go with meeting the sprog.
But I did contribute something for them to read at the shower which I'm going to share with ya'll below, because sharing is caring. Hopefully they are too busy constructing diaper cakes and sampling petit fours to see it here first, but Jeanne, if you are reading, stop now! What I wrote will be concluded with a video that depicts and says bye bye to February and its bizarre-o weather, while also inserting a gag for the Brit relations. And after that, leave a comment here why don't you? I'd love to hear from you on anything and everything.
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Hi Jeanne, Adam and the artist currently known as Fonzie!
I wish I could be with you all today, but it's more important that Time
Warner's stockholders make money than it is for me to see those I
love. At least, that's what the glorious leader tells us.
Jeanne,
I had a baby 16 months ago. And since you didn't ask, I, your
sister-in-law have some brilliant unsolicited advice for you.
First of all, co-sleeping is bonkers, the health benefits of
breastfeeding are overstated and the more money you have, the more time
you'll spend worrying about the toxicity of your baby's environment.
Wow. That felt GREAT! I've got to not go to more baby showers!
OK, now that I've pissed off 3/4 of the room, let me tell you a few more helpful things.
Before I had a kid I thought, "Get over yourself, you had a baby, you
didn't cure cancer." Now I think, "babybabybabybabybabybaby."
I
remember watching in horror as sensible friends acquired babies...
their homes began to smell like a ferret's undercarriage, their decor
morphed into a style I call Exersaucer Modern, and suddenly a nap
schedule was more important than cocktails. Terrifying stuff.
A great philosopher once said, "I was a great parent before I had kids -- because I knew everything!"
And
it's sadly true. Unlike me, you are a 100% nice person. But say
goodbye to any scrap of judgment you have for how people deal with kids
-- even the ones who co-sleep until the kid is in college. Once you've
been through the bootcamp of babydom your convictions will melt away
and you will be humbled. That said, co-sleeping? Still nuts.*
If I had one wish it would be to save you from the cluelessness of first-time parenthood.
It doesn't matter that you're brilliant and easy-going. You will worry. About everything.
Example:
You know autism is the over-hyped issue of the day, but if your kid
isn't tap dancing out of the womb, you will worry.
But I hope that in between fretting that your baby bottles are
leeching female hormones or wondering if TV viewing will lead him to a
life of low achievement, you take time to just relax. Stop worrying
about what you are or aren't doing for the kid and just admire the
miracle. Because the sad truth is that the Fonz will bloom and grow
even if you do no more than feed and water him. Look at the kids
abducted and raised in dungeons who only escape once they are
teenagers? They're fiiiiine.
But seriously, maybe that is why we obsess over these small things,
because contemplating our uselessness in front of The Miracle (capital
T capital M) is humbling.
Finally, a word on love.
I remember as a kid our mother told us that she loved us so much, that
if a hungry tiger was coming after us, she'd throw herself in front of
the tiger. I would scoff and say, "no way." And she would say, "No
it's true, I wouldn't even think twice. It's that instinctual." That
was a really comforting thing to hear, even though I knew she'd never
have to put up as tigers rarely roamed suburban Long Island. But I
played out the scene in my head many times -- our Bloomingdale's clad
mother vs. tiger -- and although I believed her conviction in saying
it, I simply didn't believe she'd act as selflessly when confronted by
a crazed tiger. Like, maybe she'd do it, but only to not feel guilty
later.
And once I had a kid, I got it. No doubt. I would trade in my life in
a second if it meant my child could live one second more. Bring on the tigers.
And
that's it. The love is worth every sacrifice. Maybe love is
sacrifice. I'm not sure. But I know you have an amazing soul mate in
this journey (that's Adam by the way), an incredible family and more
friends than you can shake a stick at. Go ahead, try to shake a stick
at them, bet you can't!
You needn't worry about a thing, because that kid is is set for life.
Still, I wouldn't rule out the dungeon/abduction route. Very economical.
Lots of love and can't wait to meet the babybabybabybaby,
Auntie-to-be Susie
PS Please return Eris to NY. Thank you.
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Fare Thee Well February