"Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

re: "Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

PhoenixRising — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 03:45:05 GMT

<i>many adopters - not just movie starts and politicians - wear their adoption status very proudly and broadcast it when it seems to be in their favor and makes them appear noble or magnanimous.</i>

Can you offer any example of this? Perhaps I run around in the wrong circles, but I know no adoptive parent who wants, desires or wishes for her parenting to be referenced as an act of charity. Despite that, I have heard many times from cooler, more transcended than myself hip liberal acquaintances that I shouldn't think I'm so noble for adopting my kid.

Since I've published a number of essays about the selfishness of my choice to adopt, and have never made any pretense for anyone's benefit of feeling otherwise, I'm perplexed. Perhaps you can help.

On Shannon's point, yeah, the 'adopted' check-box is the least of my damn worries in communicating to an indifferent and sometimes hostile world how I expect my family to be respected. We continue to demand respect and most of the time we get it, but honestly, the few times it's been worth laying down in the road over a form, the form was a symptom.

re: "Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

GforU — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 21:59:48 GMT

Great article. We struggle with this too - two white parents (male and female) one white bio child, two adopted black children (who happen to have the same birthmother and who have multiple birth sibs living in both the bio family and adoptive homes). I just smile and nod when people who know us to have 3 sons listen to my 6 year old talk about his 3 sisters. Family is family is family - amen to that, but our language and its limits do shape perceptions and attitudes. "Are they brothers?" "Is HE (the white one) your REAL child?" and (always in a whisper) "was she on drugs?" No one ever asked me after the birth of my bio child if I had taken drugs during the pregnancy.

I am their mother. But I am not their only mother.

re: "Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

Mirah Riben — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:32:09 GMT

Thank you for a lovely article. I would like to share with all who read this the thoughts on this language issue from the perspective of those mothers who lost children to adoption. Origins-USA.org is the voice of, and advocates for, such mothers. I hope you might take a moment to read: http://tinyurl.com/5vn36r

Some commenters in the NYT on this subject also indicated that they disliked it when the media reported a child as being the "adopted child of." I am often confused and surprised when people object to this as many adopters - not just movie starts and politicians - wear their adoption status very proudly and broadcast it when it seems to be in their favor and makes them appear noble or magnanimous.

I also feel it a danger to state that your child would not have survived without your adoption intervention. Children hear things, even when you don;t think they are listening and such expressions strongly impart an onus of gratitude upon a child which is a very heavy and hard weight to live under, maintaining one's philanthropy at their expense.

The truth is also almost always that people adopt because of THEIR wants, needs and desires to HAVE a child at any cost. International adoption ignores the 100,000+ children who COULD be adopted here in the US. Not very humanitarian and not something I would brag about and cause my child to feel indebted about.

re: "Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

Alice — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:17:25 GMT

I have 1 adopted child. In her case I did save her life. In the third world country where she lived, neglected by caregivers in a filthy orphanage filled with special needs kids and the elderly she would have not made it to her 2nd birthday without surgery and care. She was 12 months old when I got her and could not sit up on her own or get on her hands and knees. I don't care who gives birth, a mother raises a child. Do we call egg donors the mother? Do our children not call us "mom"? Should we correct them each time and force them to call us "parent"? I also take exception to the fact the the word "mother" is so holy in our culture. Why is "parent" considered second best? As for us my daughter has a birth mother and me, her mommy. By the way, my daughter was wanted very much by her birth mother. But she could not afford her medical care so she had to surrender her to an orphanage. Unfortunately, we have no idea who she is. I would love to meet her.

re: "Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

Manjari — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 14:27:21 GMT

I was definitely not an unwanted child when I was adopted. I was adopted by my then aunt and uncle because they weren't able to conceive. The way all four of my parents describe it, I was this baby that everyone wanted. I am well aware that I wasn't rescued or unwanted, but I still have complicated feelings about being "given away." I wonder if society's tendency to view adopted children as previously unwanted has anything to do with my perceptions.

re: "Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

Shannon LC Cate — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 01:23:40 GMT

Yeah. The excuse a lot of commenters at the NYT are making is the genetic issue. But this is a life insurance form for the mother and her daughter is the beneficiary. It doesn't matter what the genetic connection is between these people. Medical insurance, sure.

I am wondering if it has something to do with cases in which an adult might adopt another adult. Sometimes, same-sex couples used to do that in the past to become next of kin to each other.

re: "Mother" is Just Another Word: Family, Adoption and Language

chyna823 — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 01:14:34 GMT

I would wonder why the insurance company would need to know that a child is adopted. The only reason I can think of is for genetic health reasons, and that's a slippery slope.