Strollerderby : tooth fairy

14 Lies Parents Need to Stop Telling Their Kids (Part 1)

Cole Gamble — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

You have the eat vegetables because big kids eat their vegetables.

If you've ever told your kid they couldn't leave the table until they finish their carrots while you ate ice cream straight from the carton, don't worry. You are not a hypocrite; you're just every other mom or dad in the world.

You are the prettiest girl/most handsome boy in the world

Can't be true. The law of averages makes it mathematically impossible. Are they very handsome and pretty? Sure, why not. But yours can't be the most handsome or pretty. Mine are.

Go to bed or I'll call the police

No wonder kids grow up to become adults with big problems with authority. Personally I never had the cops take me away as a kid (because I went to bed). But when it came time for me to call the cops on my kids, guess what? They didn’t come. CPS did though.

The cat “ran away”

No cat ever runs away, unless you mean running away to kitty heaven. This is a lie you can almost justify in your head because it sounds so close to the truth. “Ran away”…“ran over,” almost the same thing.

Santa, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy

The big three. The Legion of Doom. Yes, these on the face are sweet pillars of youth and magic, but take a moment to examine what you are really telling your child when you pass on their legends:

Santa

Breaks into your house, eats all your food and maybe leaves you some tainted toys from China. And that's if he deems you as “good.” If not he leaves you coal (which with today's fuel prices might not be the worst gift). And how does he know whether you are good or not? He's been watching you. He's always got his eyes on you. You know who else watches you all the time and decides whether you are good or not? Buffalo Bill. If you get a stocking full of skin lotion, I’d move.

Easter Bunny

So there is this bunny. No, not a normal sized bunny. A seven foot tall bunny. A bunny who could dunk on Shaq. Anyway, this is an anthropomorphized bunny. He can talk and stuff, although all he wants to talk about is marshmallow. Not that you'll be able to pay attention to what he's saying, you'll be fixated on those six inch incisors and asking yourself, “what exactly does a giant bunny you have to do with this holiday?”

Tooth Fairy

Oh how these three love breaking and entering. This time a tweaked-out lady wants your teeth. Why does she want your teeth? What is she doing with all those teeth? Making human jewelry? Here's another thing to consider, what happens if TF shows up to a kid's house to find there is no tooth and she made a mistake? She doesn't just toddle off. This lady has gotten a jonesin' for teeth and she needs a fix. That's why she carries around a set of brass knuckles. Sweet dreams, kids.

Click here for part 2

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Is the Tooth Fairy Overpaying Your Kids?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:04:00 GMT

We may be careening toward a recession but apparently the Tooth Fairy is still flush with cash. According to this story, plenty of parents are unsure exactly how much to give their children when they lose a tooth, partly because the market rate on recently departed choppers varies greatly.

Some kids expect a couple of quarters. Others think $2 is about right. And then there are the people who live in L.A., where apparently it's not uncommon to earn $20 a tooth. 20 bucks?! When I was growing up, my parents wouldn't have paid that if I had gingerly placed my left kidney under my pillow.

A father interviewed in the aforementioned story, which appeared on CNN.com, stressed the importance of what the reporter calls "pre-emptive negotiation." In other words, parents should agree beforehand on how much they'll ante up. But that term almost implies that you have to make sure the kid is cool with it, too. To which I say: Really? Is that what we've come to? We have to call a meeting with our 6-year-old to hammer out the deals of his teeth reimbursement plan?

Timmy: I appreciate your desire to discuss this issue with me. This is the offer I am willing to accept.

Timmy slides a piece of paper across the table.

Dad, looking at paper: 50 bucks! That seems a little steep, Timmy.

Mom: Maybe we should just give it to him, Ray. It's a competitive market. He could take his business elsewhere.

Dad: No, no, no. How about 20 bucks?

Timmy: 20? Please. That's not even industry standard.

Dad: Okay, $30.

Timmy: I'll settle for $35 per tooth. But I expect full benefits, tuition reimbursement and additional vacation time.

Mom: Vacation time? Your whole life is vacation time. And might I remind you that you're not working for this money? Your teeth are going to fall out whether we pay you for them or not.

Timmy: Fair enough. But we all know the Tooth Fairy is the one running this show. And after she lowballed me on the first two teeth I lost, I need to make sure I cover all my bases. So do we have a deal?

Dad: Yeah, fine. Deal. Whatever.

Timmy: Great doing business with you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find a pair of pliers. I have some extracting to do.

And ... scene. Now, a few questions for you readers to address in our comments section: Does the Tooth Fairy compensate your kids? How much does she pay per tooth? And do your children ever complain that their friends are getting a better rate?

Photo by Gerald Kimber White for LifeWire

Forget the Tooth Fairy: Baby Teeth Save Lives!

Karen Murphy — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 22:57:00 GMT

When I was a kid, I got a quarter for each tooth stashed carefully under my pillow as an offering to the tooth fairy. I always suspected I was getting ripped off since my friends were getting dollars. As a result, I had a little heart-to-heart with the tooth fairy and my kids seem to receive a variety of things, anything from a beautiful (er, "magic") stone to a postcard to fairy dust to a book to a pencil that said "Colorado" (the night the tooth fairy had to hit up a hotel gift shop).

But scientists are now saying parents should have their kids' baby teeth pulled by a dentist when they are loose rather than waiting for them to fall out. Because it could later save your kid's life.

Stem cells, baby, it's all about the stem cells. Dental stem cells can be harvested, expanded, and banked for future use. It's best done in a dentist's office when the tooth is wiggly but before it's hanging by a thread. Then a few stem cells are extracted and allowed to multiply until there's a few million available to bank for future use against things like Lou Gehrig's Disease, deafness, Parkinson's Disease, and lupus. The procedure costs about $1200 and there are annual maintenance fees.

Who knew baby teeth were such a viable commodity? Do you think the tooth fairy will be out of business one day?

Kids Collect Art. Don’t Yours?

Madeline Holler — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 18:40:00 GMT

This Wall Street Journal article about children who collect art gets on my nerves. I’ve got nothing against art, nothing against collecting and nothing against kids. But I hate how a gallery owner gushes about a young girl’s “great eye” after the nine-year-old handed over more than $5,000 for a porcelain basket covered with tiny platinum elephants. Basket? Elephants? Sounds like something four out of five nine-year-old girls might pick out if given such a substantial knick-knack budget. The rest of the girl’s 40-piece collection – which the young collector says focuses on animals, “happy colors” such as pink and yellow, and includes a Warhol panda – is equally as unsurprising if you ignore the cost, value and artist’s signatures.

Parents of these young collectors are nonetheless impressed. One teen art collector’s mother praises her son’s aesthetic. He collects art made of candy. Wow! Kids and candy. Like oil and water. What an old soul this woman is raising! Among his favorites, a Spanish cathedral made from chocolate syrup, a wall-hanging made entirely of candy bars, and pictures of lollipops and candied cherries. Of his candy portrait that is also a puzzle he says: “I love it because it just makes me want candy.” Somebody get this kid to a 7Eleven!

There’s also the 11-year-old who raised his paddle for the winning bid on a Jeff Koons gnome sculpture. More than $350,000.

Don’t get me wrong. Enthusiastic art appreciation is great – you’re never too young to be exposed to good art. But these kids are taken seriously for being attracted to objects and pictures that appeal to just about every kid – a panda! a gnome! a Ritter Sport chocolate bar!

The fact that they are choosing works of art from the likes of Basquiat and Warhol and (seriously?) Rembrandt is hardly the sign of a young genius. (Said Rembrandt purchaser called the high-priced sketch he acquired “awesome.”) The galleries, auction houses and art shows where these parents take their kids to shop don’t exactly display works from the middle school art club. To come away from one of those places with a valuable piece is like shooting fish in a barrel. They can’t miss.

On a side note, I’m putting in for a tooth-fairy transfer One of the young collector’s parents said his kids shop and bid with, among other cash sources, money for leaving baby teeth under their pillow. Our tooth fairy barely leaves enough for a tube of glitter glue.

Do You Lie to Your Children? (Santa, The Tooth Fairy etc.)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 21:40:00 GMT

Okay, maybe asking if you lie to your kids makes it seem a little harsh, but isn't that how it feels when you are telling them about The Tooth Fairy? I felt like such a jerk talking to my two year old twins about Santa Claus this December. In a way I know that I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on believing in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, but at the same time once you realize that your parents have lied to you about one thing, what is to stop you from questioning everything they say.

Or is that a good thing?

Why am I worried about that right now? I was over reading Cynical Dad, and Chag wanted to know if we tell our children the truth about Santa and the others? Or just wait until some jerk schoolmate crushes their souls one day? I don't know the right answer. I didn't even know how to answer him in the comments. Maybe I'll just tell my kids from the get go and let them be the jackasses on the bus that ruin it for everybody else.

What do you guys do?