Mama Needs a Hot Italian Manny (Everything You Really Need for Your Newborn)

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 14:02:00 GMT

We absolutely love the Must-Have Newborn List published with great care by Shelly at The Menagerie. Shelly's list is full of good advice, specific product recommendations and real admissions about what a freak-out time it is when you have to bring this baby being home and raise it among your own pack. Forget Martha Stewart's cashmere-knitted, perfectly-folded list. Toss aside the pregnancy book's generic "bouncy seat," "onesie," "changing table" list that is of no real help in the sea of products in the baby aisles at Target. We at Strollerderby, being the helpful neighbor types, the people you either glare down or try to befriend at the pre-birth Bradley class, have just a few items we'd like to add to the Must-Have Newborn List. No need to alert your pediatricians or the authorities, but we've all pitched in and strongly advise you to stock your freezers and dresser drawers with:

1. Xanax and box wine. Remember, your in-laws will be visiting and some won't leave. Get pita and hummus for them, booze and pills for you.

2. MILF shirt and elastic waistband jeans. Face it, you'll want to feel like your sexy little self again but there is slim to no chance you'll want a metal zipper near your post-partum belly. Compromise, my friend. Compromise.

3. Hot Italian manny. Sure, you'll want to be there all the time in the beginning. But eventually, you will need to take a walk around the block, maybe work, possibly run like hell toward Costco for a sanity break. Why not have an accented ribbed-shirted caregiver to make that all possible?

4. Personal chef, masseuse, wet nurse and a travel agent. While you're building your staff, be sure to plan your momentary or weekend getaways (paging all in-laws, now's your chance to hold the baby for two whole days!).

5. Jewelry. You'll mainly need this to look pretty during the birth. Later on, it will steer stranger's eyes up and away from your leaky boobs. Tricky, huh? Red shoes are also helpful for distracting from the inevitable months of jelly belly.

6. Ironic onesies. It is imperative to we Strollerderbians that all children under the age of seven are fully stocked with hilarious but organic kid's wear. Anything other than organic and ironic would be totally unacceptable.

7. Rhinestone binky of death or earplugs. One way or another, the crying will eventually stop.

8. Brand-new hoo hoo. Or at least gift certificates to a reputable plastic surgeon. Hey, let's be honest. All that lady business will be completely rearranged following your baby's birth. You may just need to give Mama Nature a little boost to get it all back together again.

9. Anything mama wants. Believe it or not, that was not suggested by one of our esteemed male writers. (Those guys are still trying to figure out if the earplugs things was meant to be funny).

10. Health insurance and maternity leave. Oh, oh, oh jeez. Good one, right? You've got to have a dream item, I guess.

Strollerderby : the menagerie

Mama Needs a Hot Italian Manny (Everything You *Really* Need for Your Newborn)

Mama Needs a Hot Italian Manny (Everything You Really Need for Your Newborn)