Strollerderby : spouses

Would you Cheat FOR the Kids?

JeanneSager — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:26:00 GMT

Think you've heard all the lame excuses someone will give for cheating on their spouse? Here's another:

"I'm doing it for my kids."

Say what?

This came from the lips of a friend (and by friend I really mean a chick I know, kinda sorta). Her reasoning for stepping out on her marriage is simple - he's a jerk. But they've got kids. And as far as she's concerned, kids need two parents.

So she's lining up a new Daddy before she kicks the old one to the curb. I'm not even going to touch on the self-esteem issues here (that's for a woman's issues blog, not the parenting blog).

But what does this teach your kids? That it's OK to lie? That your daughters need to have a man around at all times. . . and at all costs? The idea that a woman needs to have a man is as outdated as that old quote about fish and bicycles. So too is the idea that a single parent can't provide for a child what a couple can - or that, say, two lesbians can't provide for a child what a heterosexual couple can.

There are also lessons for kids in divorce. It's OK that things fail sometimes. You have to be honest with other people. You have to be honest with yourself. But cheating on a spouse is a big no no, and somehow I can't see how the kids won't find out when they realize their new "Dad" was in Mom's life long before the divorce became finalized.

I suppose there's merit to the fact that kids fare better with two parents . . . I suppose. I am not bashing single parents or their offspring (President Obama, hello?). But for mom it's certainly easier when there's a second set of hands around. Still, with Dad the jerk around, she's obviously not having an easy go of it. Couldn't that mean single parenting might be easier?

Is single parenting that scary? As a happily - and luckily - married woman, I don't know. But I wonder what the single parents who read Babble think. You were scared right, but this scared?

Image: Everyday Citizen

Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

JeanneSager — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:27:00 GMT

I have got to hand it to single parents. You have one of the hardest - albeit the best - jobs on the planet.

So when a single parent wants to pour his or her soul out, my shoulder is right here, along with a big box of tissues and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I'd just like a little of the same back from people like Lori Gottlieb.

Gottlieb's essay in this month's Parents "Why You Should Love Your Husband, Faults and All" is supposedly written for all of us gals out there with a partner, who Gottlieb says we just don't appreciate enough. Except Gottlieb apparently doesn't understand relationships - whether they be marriages or simple friendships. You know, give and take. Getting out some of your frustrations so you can come back to the table and build a BETTER relationship.

Gottlieb says she's a very happy single parent, that she's never had one qualm about her choice to become a mom on her own. With my biological clock ticking, I chose to have a baby on my own. No regrets on that score: I was fully aware of the enormity of the challenge I took on and I'm as hopelessly in love with my child as any married mom could be.

I'd believe her, if she didn't go on for paragraph after paragraph explaining why husbands are just so darn great.

Yes, Lori Gottlieb, my husband is my best friend. He's my rock. He's my little girl's incredible daddy. He's also a pain in the ass sometimes.

So am I.

And when we drive each other a little bit nuts (because we are both human, we are living in a crappy economy and we have a three-year-old who likes to crayon on the walls), the beautiful thing is, we have friends who will let us vent a little. We have sounding boards, who send us back to each other with fresh ideas and a renewed sense of why we love each other so darn much, and why that three-year-old is the best thing we have done together, green marks on the wall or no green marks on the wall.

Gottlieb, however, spends her entire essay putting married friends of single moms on notice. Don't come calling, she says, because my life is so much worse. What a great friend.

Is it callous for married friends to call their single mom friends and moan about their spouse? If that single mom just lost her partner to death, yes, it is. If she's just gone through a divorce or the "father" flew the coop before baby was born, yes, you need to wait a little while. The married friends (or those who have some kind of partner in the picture) need to do what friends do. They need to listen, offer encouragement, pop in with a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough.

But the "pity poor me" act only lasts so long. Single parents, you can complain. You can seek help and guidance. You can tell me how much harder it is. I'll believe you. I'll offer to babysit. I'll pick up your kid from nursery school when you're stuck at work and there's no one else there to do it for you. It's part of being your friend.

But if you tell me you won't do the same for me? You're not the friend I want to have around.

Image: Single Mom Seeking (a single mom whose blog makes me WANT to be her friend)

Is Going Hard on Handmade Bad for Parents?

More Parents Leaving Kids Alone to Save on Daycare

Indian Child Welfare Act: Bad for Parents?

Airing the Parental Dirty Laundry

They Say: Technology Keeps Families Connected

Amy Kuras — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:02:00 GMT

If you’re reading this, it’s no surprise to you that people use mobile phones and internet connections to reinforce their social ties. That’s borne out by a new study from the Pew Internet and American Life project.

And it’s the most traditional families, with two married adults and minor kids – that are most likely to have cell phones and net connections.

More than half of families surf the Internet with their children, as well. Of course – why else would there be so many Sesame Street clips available on YouTube? It can’t all be nostalgic Gen Xers and Ys, right?

Also, of couples with two mobile phones, 70 percent use it at least once a day to talk to their spouse, and 42 percent talk to their kids via mobile at least once a day – a figure which I find low, personally, since I don’t actually remember how I used to grocery shop without calling my husband about five times to ask him questions and update him on my whereabouts, and he does the same when he’s on kid duty.

More than half, 53 percent, of those questioned said that the quality of their contact with distant family members had improved thanks to technology, while 47 percent said it improved interaction with those they live with.

Where’s all that time to surf and chat coming from? Mostly TV watching – 25 percent of people say they watch less TV now. I’d have to agree – I am usually surfing and blogging and watching TV all at once.

So, to sum up – technology good. Who knew?

Photo: dvorak.org

They Say: Dads Cheat, but Not for Sex

JeanneSager — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:03:00 GMT

Ladies, I've got good news . . . and bad news.

A combined AOL Health and Cookie Magazine poll says 32 percent of dads have cheated. Yes, that's the bad news. So what's the good news? It's not the sex. Researcher Gary Neuman, author of the new book The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It, told Newsweek it's about an emotional disconnect. Explains it all, doesn't it? You have kids, and you disconnect . . . sound about right to me.

The fact that new parents aren't having a heck of a lot of sex isn't new news. I wrote about it myself for Babble a few months ago - and my husband got a good chuckle out of comments about the article over on AOL that pretty much gave him the green light to visit greener pastures. FYI: he's still here, but he appreciates your concern.

Remember, Neuman says, it ain't about sex. "The No. 1 reason was feeling underappreciated. It was a lack of thoughtful and kind gestures," he claims. He spent two years studying 200 guys - 100 who cheated, 100 who kept it in their pants. Almost half - 48 percent - said they won't cheat if they feel appreciated. Another 12 percent said they're going to cheat no matter what (how nice of them).

By comparison, Cookie and AOL chatted up 60,000 guys with at least one child - all online. And, yup, they all want sex. A quarter whined they're getting it as little as once a month, and 79 percent said they'd like it a whole lot more. But the number who would be willing to cheat, even if they could hide it from their wives, is still well above half at 69 percent. Which jives with what Neuman found - they might be unhappy about their sex lives, but they're keeping both their pants and emotions zipped up.

So what's the secret to keeping him at home? That's up to you - and him. If he's one of that 12 percent (see above), I say good riddance to bad rubbish. But if he's like most guys out there, he's going to get a handle on the fact that you just don't feel like it after a long day of velcroing shoes, mopping up milk and finding Blue's clues. So go ahead, tell him you don't feel like it - but at least tell him you're sorry.

Image: eHow

So He Delivered His Own Kid, Should We Give Him a Quarter?

La. Legislator Says: Let's Pay the Poor to Stop Making Babies

Too Dumb to Parent: Part 2

Nanny 911 - Back On Our Side of the Pond

The Perfect Pet: Lifesize Cat Sculpture

Brett Singer — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 02:30:00 GMT

My lovely wife, who receives every single catalog in the known universe, just informed me that she would be decorating our home with the following: a Ginger Tabby Sculpture. Described as a "lifesize feline" that is "limbering up, prepping to put in a long day's worth of work as a doorstop or house pet...requires no feeding and won't sharpen its claws on fine furnishings." I would add that this is a perfect alternative to offer to the young'uns when they ask you for a pet. This thing is a tad creepy, so maybe they'll be afraid of animals from now on.

More of a dog person? Pick up a West Highland Terrier Statuette. It's less lifelike, but also less expensive. And less creepy. But not by much.

P.S.: My wife just read this and asked that I point out that she's just kidding. She actually has very good taste in furnishings and also despises cats. The part about the catalogs, however, is true.

image: expressionscatalog.com

If Your Spouse Bugs You Now, It's Gonna Get Worse, But Better

Kelly Mills — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:34:00 GMT

Not to worry you or anything, but a study shows that if you find your spouse irritating and demanding now, you are probably going to find him or her even more grating the longer you are together. While negative views of children and friends tend to decrease over time, spouses just get worse. It's probably the result of prolonged daily contact and accumulated resentments, as well as a comfort level that allows us to express ourselves, and apparently our self expression is really super aggravating to our partner. I guess if you catch yourself saying, "To the moon, Alice!" you aren't alone.

Is there a bright side? Researchers think that perhaps this negative view is just a typical part of a very close relationship that involves spending time together, day in, day out, year after year, until life stretches out in front of you in a never ending prison sentence... Ha ha. See, since the researchers found this was a comon pattern, the good news is that it's probably normal and you aren't alone. Wait, that's the silver lining? Yeesh.

Pregcellent: Should You Get Pregnant In Your Thirties To Avoid the Fertility Drop?

Kelly Mills — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 13:31:00 GMT

By way of Jezebel I came across this article in the Independent on "late motherhood," i.e. moms waiting till late thirties and early forties to get pregnant. As it points out, the rash of female celebs in their forties getting knocked up (Nicole Kidman is the latest example) may create the impression that it's real easy to have a baby around that age--that is, if you use celebrities as your life model. "Well, Holly Hunter did it, so why can't I?" Yeesh. I have a friend who at 38 decided to have a baby, and after some preliminary fertility treatments went the egg donor and sperm donor route (she's single.) Now she's pregnant, but for a bit there she wondered if she should have tried earlier. And with quotes like this one from a 2005 British Medical Journal article on the fertility drop, it's no surprise: "If you want a family – and most people want a couple of children – and you are going to complete your childbearing by 35 and leave time for recovery in between, you would be wise to start before 30... Surveys of older mothers show that half say that they delayed because they had not met a suitable partner. Maybe instead of waiting for Mr Right they ought to wait for Mr Good-Enough, if they want children."

Uh, gross. I'm on board with women being educated about the fact that fertility falls off for many in their late thirties, and that there are increased risks for some fetal and delivery complications the older you get. But I am so not interested in whipping ladies into a breeding panic. Having kids is a major big deal, and no one should enter into it until they feel at least a little ready. And counseling women to settle for a guy you aren't crazy about in the pursuit of children just seems backwards and idiotic. Yes, there's the whole being emotionally ready thing. And many folks can't even afford kids until they have the career security won by the end of their thirties. There's also some options: egg donation and surrogacy for those who want it and can afford it, or adoption.

My friend ultimately realized she's glad she waited until she was sure about children, despite the struggle to conceive and the big bucks it cost. (And FYI, I had to do infertility treatment to get pregnant in my twenties while one of my forty-year-old buddies conceived the old-fashioned way on the first try, so there's no guarantees of anything.) Perhaps we could get some more openness about egg donation and so on, and then encourage women to do what they feel is best in their lives, without panic. Because I'd rather regret waiting and having to go a route that wasn't my first choice to start a family than to lament my choice to have children before I knew what I wanted in my life.

Strollerderby : spouses

Would you Cheat FOR the Kids?

Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

Are These Grandparents Angry Over Gay Adoption?

Destroying Kids As We Know Them . . . Or Not

Indian Children Married off . . . to Frogs

Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

Why Do Pacifiers Piss So Many People Off?

Is Going Hard on Handmade Bad for Parents?

More Parents Leaving Kids Alone to Save on Daycare

Indian Child Welfare Act: Bad for Parents?

Airing the Parental Dirty Laundry

They Say: Technology Keeps Families Connected

They Say: Dads Cheat, but Not for Sex

The Perfect Pet: Lifesize Cat Sculpture

If Your Spouse Bugs You Now, It's Gonna Get Worse, But Better

Pregcellent: Should You Get Pregnant In Your Thirties To Avoid the Fertility Drop?