Strollerderby : silliness

Fictional Fighting With Five-Year Olds

Brett Singer — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 22:00:00 GMT

This dopey web quiz provides a few seconds of mirth with minimal effort.

The site, created by Matthew Inman for the dating service Mingle2, asks you a series of questions, such as, "Which best describes your sense of balance: 1) I'm not very balanced, I sometimes have trouble standing on one foot or staying upright on a snowboard or exercise ball…", "Do you have any experience fighting swarms, such as being chased by a bunch of pissed-off bees or playing starcraft against the Zerg?" and " Have you ever been trampled? (by a horse, at a rock concert, etc)"

The third page of the quiz is vaguely thought provoking. "How would you feel about the fact that you're fighting a bunch of kids?" "During the fight, would you feel morally comfortable picking up a child and using him/her as a weapon to throw at other children?" Presumably the number of kids required to take you down will increase if you answer "To hell with morality, I'd be too busy pile-driving, crane-kicking, and bare-knuckle bashing them all the way back to kintergarten [sic]" as opposed to "This is so wrong - these are children for pete's sake. I don't think I could fight them, even in self defense."

After you answer everything to the best of your ability, you are presented with a number. That number is How Many Five Year Olds Could Take You In A Fight. My number was 15:

By the way, don't feel like you have to join Mingle2 to get your result. It looks that way, but if you look at the smaller text just below the big "JOIN NOW" banner, you'll see that you can click there and just find out how strong/wimpy you are without actually re-entering the dating pool.

So what's your number?

Source: howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com

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Infant Hair Protector Offensive To Bald People

Brett Singer — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 17:49:00 GMT

Once again, a real-life press release sounds like something out of The Onion.

Stay-at-home Mom Invents "Infant Hair Protector" to Prevent Infant Baldness

Yeah. That's what it says. I couldn't make this stuff up.

The product is the Baby Walton. $24.99 plus shipping and handling, available in blue, cream and pink.

Unintentionally funny is the "About" page:

What causes infant baldness?
During the early stages of life, infants spend a considerable amount of time sleeping. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends placing infants on their back to minimize the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Unfortunately, this practice frequently causes a bald spot to appear on the back of an infant's head, especially if an infant's hair and scalp are dry.

The inconvenience! Unsightly baldness caused by those killjoys at the AAP telling us how to prevent SIDS!

The site also makes that ever-suspicious promise to help your little one "regrow" their hair; I think that's because it isn't rubbing off anymore, not because the Walton has Rogaine in it. Even so, it still sounds cheesy.Why not just call it "Hair Club For Babies"?

Reminds me of the Thong Huggies parody from SNL. "I hate that unsightly bulge from my child's diaper!" Except that was a joke. This is real.

I know some people have entrepreneurial zeal. I think it would be better to look for something that is actually a problem, and then look for a solution to that problem. Or, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, take an existing product and put a clock in it. Even that would be better than trying to convince people that "infant baldness" is an actual problem, and then selling them a piece of plastic for 25 bucks.

And what's so wrong with being bald? Huh? Huh? What are you trying to say? Bald babies are just as cute as hairy babies! Maybe cuter! Lots of people think bald babies look more distinguished! At least, that's what they tell me...

Why You Should Check Even Little Kids Homework

Woman Arrested For Breast Feeding At A Bar

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Why You Should Check Even Little Kids Homework

Brett Singer — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 23:00:00 GMT

This is making the email rounds and I thought I would share it with you.

In general, I feel like my children should be responsible for their own homework. At the moment they are too young to be doing complex math problems or writing 20 page reports. But they might get an assignment like this one: "Draw a picture of one of your parents at work."

So what exactly is mommy doing in this adorable little example of kiddie art?

Well, get your mind out of the gutter people – according to this blog, Mommy is in retail. She works at Home Depot. And that's a shovel. The other people are customers who would like to purchase the shovel, as well as other home improvement supplies.

Why? Does it look like she's doing something else? What do you mean?

Ann Coulter had no comment on the image. But she would probably say it was a single mother.

Source: yewnorkbabe, and 4,000 email forwards

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What was your fake baby name?

Brett Singer — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:00:00 GMT

The most recent Babble List features 33 of the dumbest celebrity baby names.

This reminded me of something my wife and I had some fun with before our kids were born: fake baby names to torture the grandparents.

While she was pregnant, the wife and I came up with ridiculous choices for names and tried to convince our parents that said names were under consideration for our offspring. Some examples are Butch Huskey Singer, Wade Boggs Singer, and Pincus Tyrone Singer (the latter only if we had a girl, of course). Other not serious choices were Roc Singer or Oprah Singer. (Rock? Opera? Get it? Anyway…)

I'm curious – does anyone else do this? Or are we alone in our attempt to amuse ourselves?

image: checkoutmycards.com

Lego Metallica

Stuff my 3 year old broke

More stuff my 3 year old broke

Mom finds hairy Goldilocks in 2 year old's bed

YOU say: I got fooled (update to "They USED to say: give babies cola")

iPhone app for nursing, diapers, wedding day

More fun with Peeps: Project Peepway

Brett Singer — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Because I know that you can't wait until next Easter to see more peeps, we bring you Project Peepway. Oh yes. It's Project Runway. With Peeps. (Full credit to Andrew Moran for the excellent video.)

Favorite line: "You can leave the peepway."

If all reality TV were done with Peeps, I think I'd watch more of it. Heck, they could start here and just keep going.

Strollerderby : silliness

Fictional Fighting With Five-Year Olds

Wife Set Husband's Genitals On Fire, Charged With Murder, Endangering Life

Third Hand Smoke Can Harm Your Kids

Baby Bikini and Pregnant Man Top 2008 Weird News List

They Say -- Kids Who Skip Breakfast and Hate Mom Have Sex Sooner

Infant Hair Protector Offensive To Bald People

Is The Peanut Allergy Scare Overblown?

Why You Should Check Even Little Kids Homework

Woman Arrested For Breast Feeding At A Bar

Pregnant Woman Arrested For Fighting At Chuck E. Cheese

They Say: Smoking While Pregnant Makes Kids Aggressive

Why You Should Check Even Little Kids Homework

Ann Coulter Says Single Moms Are Bad For Society

Obama/Spider-man Comic Book Sold Out, Reprint Planned

Mom Saves Kids From Sinking SUV

Babble Talk: Points For Honesty

Kids to Obama: Read Books, Eat More Ice Cream

UPDATE: Kid Kissing A Pig - The Musical

Organic Dreams or Toxic Nightmares? You Pick

What was your fake baby name?

Enormous baby sculpture

Lego Metallica

Stuff my 3 year old broke

More stuff my 3 year old broke

Mom finds hairy Goldilocks in 2 year old's bed

YOU say: I got fooled (update to "They USED to say: give babies cola")

iPhone app for nursing, diapers, wedding day

More fun with Peeps: Project Peepway