Strollerderby : orlando

Attack of the Monkey Children

Brett Singer — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 20:00:00 GMT

When your children get older and (finally!) move out of the house, what are your plans?

a)   Move to a smaller place
b)   Turn their room into a casino
c)   Adopt a monkey

No, I didn't make that last one up. Amazingly, there are people that, when confronted with so-called "empty nest" syndrome, decide that the thing to do is to adopt a monkey.

Now, before you think, "aw, how cute, a monkey as a pet" or even, "what a horrible idea, having a monkey as a pet", you need to know one thing: many of these monkeys are not treated as pets. They are treated as children. They call them – monkids.

Tonight at 10pm on ABC, "Primetime: The Outsiders" will profile Lori and Jim Johnson, a couple of lunatics humans from Orlando, Florida who have a capuchin monkey named Jessy as a…pet child. Lori had "adopted" the primate prior to marrying Jim; Lori told ABC News that "living with Jessy was 'all part of the deal' and that [Jim] 'signed up for both' when he married Lori." I know love is hard to find, but if a woman tells me on the first date that she has a monkey that she dresses in children's clothing, that said monkey eats at the table with her, and that she treats said monkey as if she were her daughter, including referring to the monkey as "my daughter", I'm thinking there's no second date, much less a wedding. But hey, who am I to judge? Check out these pictures. They certainly look happy. Well, "mom" does. Hard to tell how the monkey feels about all this.

This story was actually reported on by the Orlando Sentinel back in April; here's the story, and video (via BoingBoing). According to the Sentinel, there are 15,000 people in the U.S. who own/live with/adopt monkeys, despite the fact that the practice is illegal in 20 states. There's even a magazine that caters to monkey owners/adopters/parents (sheesh, what exactly do you call these people?)

For a slightly different take, let's be sure to mention Angelle Sampey, a successful professional motorcycle racer with a monkid. According to ABC News, she wanted to have kids, but didn't feel that she could while pursuing a pro racing career. "I can't race and, you know, bear a child… And I thought adopting a monkey as a surrogate child would be a good thing to do." So no empty-nest for her; the monkey is instead of a human child.

Myself, I think I'd just get a dog.

So tonight at 10pm, ABC. Have fun.

images: abcnews.com

Your baby is ugly

12 of the 100 Greatest Places to Vacation

Brett Singer — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Life Magazine has just come out with a new tome -- LIFE: Dream Destinations: The World's 100 Greatest Places to Vacation. Twelve spots are chosen for families, and here they are:

London: The wife and I took Thing 1 and his Gramma to London when he was only 2 years old. It was great. There's a lot to do that can appeal to even a young kid (the Globe Theater, changing of the guard, and eating fish and chips in a pub were a few highlights). Depending on where you stay, there can be a lot of walking and/or tube riding, so if you are more Country Mouse than City Mouse, just be prepared for a potentially urban adventure. Highly recommended.

Riviera Maya: I had to look this one up (I don't get out much). This is an area of Mexico designed for tourists. This site has some info on family-friendly vacations in the area.

Orlando: Um, duh. Disney. Other theme parks. Sun. Fun. Go.

Wisconsin Dells: The "Waterpark Capital of the World." 18 indoor and 3 outdoor waterparks, one of which, Noah's Ark, is the largest in the United States. Never been but it sounds pleasant enough, if a tad soggy.

The Ahwahnee Hotel, Yosemite Valley, California: this sounds a lot like…nature. For those who like that kind of thing, you can't go wrong. If not, go to London, or Orlando.

New York City: I live here and we hate tourists. OK, we don't hate you. But we wish you wouldn't stand in the middle of Times Square and not move. (I kid. Well, not about the standing in the street part.) Obviously, there are millions of things to do for those with families and without. The notion of New York as scary place is gone, although personally I would stay away from Bushwick. Bonus: we have a new Governor!

The Bahamas: Why not? Can I go now?

Snowmass, Aspen, Colorado: Aspen is incredibly beautiful. Also kind of expensive. Snowmass, a ski resort, just opened the Treehouse Kids' Adventure Center, which sounds fun. If you don't ski, this probably isn't for you. But if you do, have at it.

Memphis: Even if you aren't an Elvis fanatic (and if you are, it's OK, you can admit it. There now, wasn't that easy?), there's plenty to do in Memphis, including a Children's Museum, Zoo, and the Mud Island River Park (Mississippi Mud, of course).

Cuzco, Peru: these pictures look intriguing. I like Peruvian food. Need to practice my Spanish though. (De donde esta el... hey, give me a break, it's been awhile.)

Montana’s Dude Ranches: Dude! Who doesn't want to be a cowboy/girl? Unless the kids are allergic to horses, this sounds like a blast.

The Impossible Dream: Space: Now that's just silly. Isn't it? Until Richard Branson re-opens reservations on Virgin Galactic, and maybe lowers the price a bit ($200,000 a person is a tad high), this option will indeed remain the impossible dream.

Anyone been to any of these places, especially the less well-known spots? What are your favorite vacation destinations?

Taking Your Kids To See A Killer Whale Mame Someone Isn't As Cheap As It Used To Be

Dad Gone Mad — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 13:00:00 GMT

Less than two weeks ago, a 5,000-pound killer whale named Kasatka dragged a trainer underwater during a show at SeaWorld in San Diego. As a paying crowd watched, the trainer was bitten and held at the bottom of a 36-foot-deep tank. He suffered a broken foot (and probably a soiled wetsuit).

As for SeaWorld? Naturally, a story like this is a public relations nightmare for all three of its US parks (San Diego, Orlando, San Antonio). No parent wants to take their child to watch a two-and-a-half-ton guppy kill a man right before their eyes. So in order to distract vacationers from the attack, SeaWorld Orlando has created a diversion you may not have expected: it's raising ticket prices. A standard one-day adult ticket now costs $64.95 and a ticket for children between 3 and 9 years old is up $4 to $53.95.

The therapy your child will need after watching a trainer get shredded limb from limb is not included in these prices. Good luck with that. One presumes the increased prices ($65 for a one-day ticket? Absurd!) will offset the increased cost of worker's compensation insurance for the human whale snacks.