Strollerderby : lies

5 Lies Women Tell Each Other About Pregnancy

Cole Gamble — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:06:00 GMT

Mothers can be cruel, evil people.

Why else would they lie so flatly to would be mothers about the nasty bits of pregnancy?

Well Sarah Vine and Tania Kindersley, authors of the new book Backwards in High Heels, have had enough of it and so spelled out the worst lies passed around among moms and moms-to-be:

1. It doesn't matter if you get fat, the weight will drop off afterward, especially if you breastfeed.

2. The birth itself isn't that bad, and anyway your body is biologically programmed to forget the pain.

3. Breastfeeding can be a little tricky to start with, but in the end you'll get the hang of it.

4. You get used to not having as much sleep as you used to.

5. The experience of looking after a newborn can really bring two people together.

What did they miss?

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Everyone Lies

KeriF — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

According to a Redbook study, 84 percent of readers admit to lying to their kids at least once per month.

Experts weigh in on some "acceptable" lies. I can understand some of them, like telling the kids that Daddy's office is closed rather than explain that he got laid off. But I can't get behind lies that are so clearly over the top, like telling a child that if he doesn't stop sucking his thumb it will fall off. I know that would scare the bejeezus out of my thumb-sucking 4-year-old. But it probably wouldn't get him to stop.

Redbook readers wrote in with their own craziest lies. Some of them are a bit outrageous, like the mother who told her son that if he kept kicking the seat on the airplane, the pilot would throw the boy off without a parachute (she acknowleged her temporary insanity). Or the family who set all the clocks on the second floor ahead one hour so they could start the bedtime routine earlier (why not just change the bedtime?).

But this one, from Welmoed Sisson of Gaithersburg, MD, made me laugh--and even inspired me:

"Whenever I heard the telltale click of one of my kids unbuckling their car seat harnesses, I would pull over to the side of the road and kill the engine. I would say aloud, 'gosh, I wonder what's wrong wtih the car.' I would peer into the back seat. 'Did one of you unbuckle your car seat? Ah, that's it! The engine won't work if the seat belt isn't buckled!' I would snap the buckles, turn the key, and off we'd go! From then on, my kids were convinced the car wouldn't work if their seat belts weren't fastened."

I might just have to give that one a try.

What's the craziest lie you ever told your kids?

RNC Mailer Could Give Your Kids Nightmares

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 23:00:00 GMT

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The RNC has mailed a flyer to homes in Virginia and Missouri that unabashedly aims to link Barack Obama with terrorism in the minds of voters. On the front is the word “TERRORISTS” above a picture of a plane about to crash into a room filled with people (imagine your kids finding that horrifying image in the mailbox). Inside is a photo of an angry-looking Obama and the words, “NOT WHO YOU THINK HE IS.”

The small print of the flyer at least mentions a statement that Obama actually made—if you’ve turned on the TV at all in the past few weeks, you probably know which one: when he said that he would be willing to sit down and talk with hostile foreign leaders.

Funny that Reagan, whom McCain loves to call a “hero,” aggressively pursued talks with governments hostile to the United States, including the Kremlin and the Palestinian Liberation Organization. Not to mention that agreeing to sit down and talk with world leaders is hardly agreeing to sit down and talk with terrorists like Osama bin Laden, whom Obama has repeatedly vowed to hunt down.

There is so much that is dishonest, despicable, and desperate about this mailer that I could go on and on. But the point is that, after eight years of fear mongering and divisiveness, the American people have had enough of hate-based politics.

Barry Goldwater’s granddaughter, one of numerous high-profile Republicans voting for Obama, put it best herself: "The Republican brand has been tarnished in a shameless effort to gain votes and appeal to the lowest emotion, fear....The McCain/Palin plan is to appear diverse and inclusive, using women and minorities to push an agenda that makes us all financially vulnerable, fearful, and less safe."

10 Naughty Things We Do to Our Kids (but keep doing anyway)

Cole Gamble — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 12:00:00 GMT

Let’s face it; if you were to put secret surveillance on them 24/7, any parent would look like a putz. There are things that we do with our kids, when others aren’t about or are out of ear shot, that we maybe feel bad about. But not bad enough to stop doing.

#10: Laughing when your daughter farts.

#9: In a moment of weakness, grousing about one child to the other.

Your Four-year-old: Why does Dalton (the toddler) get to stay up?

You: Because he’s crazy and I’m tired of fighting him. He’s being a butthead.

YFYO: Yeah, he’s got a stinky head.

#8: When they get way too many Easter baskets from relatives, hiding one and keeping the candy contents to yourself.

#7: Making your spouse the bad guy. “Mommy wouldn’t like it if she saw what you’re doing.”

#6: Keeping your kid downstairs on a perpetual loop of Sesame Street because you want a beer/glass of wine.

#5: Forget to brush their teeth.

#4: The next night encouraging them to brush by telling them their breath smells like “dog food.”

#3: Let your kid, freshly bathed and wet, prance around the house naked playing her favorite character “Jungle Girl” for way longer than perhaps appropriate.

#2: Not being as diligent as you think you should about your own nudity around the kids.

#1: When you don’t have time to go to the park, telling them the “park is closed.”

What are your dirty parenting secrets?

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14 Lies Parents Need to Stop Telling Their Kids (Part 2)

Cole Gamble — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Just tell me the truth and you won't get in trouble

Hoo boy, that's rich.

Daddy will protect you from the monsters

Hell no, I don’t stand a chance against monsters. Luckily, monsters tend to do their own thing, they go about their business. But if one ever showed up, that would be a problem. I like to think I am reasonably able to defend my family. If a deranged Jack Russell Terrier shows up to harm my family, I will wrestle that thing to the ground. (Note: I have no evidence to back this claim up) but if a monster showed up, we'd all be screwed. Game over. I mean, it's a monster after all.

Do this or you're not going to get “your birthday/Christmas/family vacation”

Oh, how we like to hold holidays over our child's head when they don't want to clean their room or stop stealing car stereos. Children figure out pretty quickly that there are thing a parent can't cancel. Soon enough they understand the concept of a “non-refundable airfare ticket.” They also realize that a parent who actually cancels Christmas gets a kid who tells their classmates that their mommy and daddy killed Santa Claus. The sooner you start making empty threats the sooner they realize you got nothing but empty threats.

When you grow up you'll have a house of your own

In this housing market? Please. Sorry to say, but the promise of manifest destiny and the big yard with the picket fence is on the endangered list. It will be condo or duplex life for your little peeps when they're grown. A house will be something they read about in books. If books still exist by that time, which they won't.

People like it when you play nice

The world rewards specifically those who don't play nice. We have an entire economic system based around this fact. It's called capitalism and it asserts that by serving one's own self-interest first, you serve your fellow citizen. That's how oil companies “serve” us by charging $4.00 a gallon while reporting record profits. Ask Barry Bonds, Bill Belichick or Donald Trump to rhapsodize on the merits of playing nice. A kid who grows up into an adult who plays nice is a benefit to the world, but it won't get him a 10-year contract with signing bonus or an 80 story building bearing their name. It is nice to dream, though.

Beer is yucky

Kids love apple juice and often mistake that lager you’re holding for the sweet nectar. Let's not get into the particulars of why you are drinking around your child; the point is baby wants some of that juice in the pilsner glass. “No,” you say, “that's beer,” but still they persist. “I want to try beer.” So you are forced to decree the following statement, “beer is yucky.” Beer is not yucky, it is delicious. My dad used to tell me beer was yucky, and now I know why: he wanted all the beer to himself.

Mommy and daddy are taking a “nap”

(A.K.A. it's time for afternoon delight) I swear to you my wife and I never use this one. Taking a carnal dip while the children play dolls right outside the door, kinda creepy. My parents, however, loved this ruse. Even when we kids were well into our teens. It was either “your mom and I are going to take a nap” or “we're going to make the bed” which they would have had time to make ten times over with the 20 minutes they were gone. Let this one go, folks. The kids know what you are up to.

Click here for Part 1

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14 Lies Parents Need to Stop Telling Their Kids (Part 1)

Cole Gamble — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

You have the eat vegetables because big kids eat their vegetables.

If you've ever told your kid they couldn't leave the table until they finish their carrots while you ate ice cream straight from the carton, don't worry. You are not a hypocrite; you're just every other mom or dad in the world.

You are the prettiest girl/most handsome boy in the world

Can't be true. The law of averages makes it mathematically impossible. Are they very handsome and pretty? Sure, why not. But yours can't be the most handsome or pretty. Mine are.

Go to bed or I'll call the police

No wonder kids grow up to become adults with big problems with authority. Personally I never had the cops take me away as a kid (because I went to bed). But when it came time for me to call the cops on my kids, guess what? They didn’t come. CPS did though.

The cat “ran away”

No cat ever runs away, unless you mean running away to kitty heaven. This is a lie you can almost justify in your head because it sounds so close to the truth. “Ran away”…“ran over,” almost the same thing.

Santa, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy

The big three. The Legion of Doom. Yes, these on the face are sweet pillars of youth and magic, but take a moment to examine what you are really telling your child when you pass on their legends:

Santa

Breaks into your house, eats all your food and maybe leaves you some tainted toys from China. And that's if he deems you as “good.” If not he leaves you coal (which with today's fuel prices might not be the worst gift). And how does he know whether you are good or not? He's been watching you. He's always got his eyes on you. You know who else watches you all the time and decides whether you are good or not? Buffalo Bill. If you get a stocking full of skin lotion, I’d move.

Easter Bunny

So there is this bunny. No, not a normal sized bunny. A seven foot tall bunny. A bunny who could dunk on Shaq. Anyway, this is an anthropomorphized bunny. He can talk and stuff, although all he wants to talk about is marshmallow. Not that you'll be able to pay attention to what he's saying, you'll be fixated on those six inch incisors and asking yourself, “what exactly does a giant bunny you have to do with this holiday?”

Tooth Fairy

Oh how these three love breaking and entering. This time a tweaked-out lady wants your teeth. Why does she want your teeth? What is she doing with all those teeth? Making human jewelry? Here's another thing to consider, what happens if TF shows up to a kid's house to find there is no tooth and she made a mistake? She doesn't just toddle off. This lady has gotten a jonesin' for teeth and she needs a fix. That's why she carries around a set of brass knuckles. Sweet dreams, kids.

Click here for part 2

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16 Lies Your Mom Told You

Cole Gamble — Mon, 05 May 2008 17:00:00 GMT

What better way to celebrate the upcoming Mother’s Day than with a list of all the lies Mom told you?

Here’s the one my mom always laid on me: cracking your knuckles is bad. Well here I am, still popping my knuckles. How do you like that ma? Now would someone pick up my coffee cup and place it in my claw.

Here’s another: kids shouldn’t drink coffee, it stunts their growth. I did, and it didn’t. Nothing got me ready for a day of kindergarten like three or four cups of black coffee. Didn’t stunt my growth one bit, I’m like 7’5”. (Margin of error +or- 2 feet)

Among mommy’s other big untruths:

Sitting close to the TV is bad for you.

Don’t make that face or it will stay that way.

Swallow that gum and it will sit in your stomach for seven years. Wait an hour after eating before swimming.

Check out the full list here.

So there you go, mom, I can see through your lies. Happy Mother’s Day!

Those Little White Lies Start Early

Karen Murphy — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 22:04:00 GMT

When did you tell your first white lie? If you're like most kids, early on you learned the art of "social flattery", otherwise known as lying.

Oh, it's not always the kids' fault. We tell them to do it. "Shh!" we whisper furtively to our preschoolers, "You shouldn't call the lady fat!" And researchers say that white lies grease the wheels of social interaction. Um, yeah. And we pretty much all do it, at least if we don't want to be ostracized. And it all starts at about the time we turn four. Somehow, four is the magic age where it all comes together and we start thinking about the feelings of others.

Four is also the age where we figure out that honesty isn't always the best policy, at least not when it comes to admitting who ate all the cookies or who squeezed their little sister's diaper cream all over the bathroom wall. Plus at four we think about flattery and getting what we want that way.

Conniving little things, weren't we?

So if you want total honesty? Ask a three-year-old.

Photo: www.great-romances.com

You're a Liar

Karen Murphy — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:27:00 GMT

Woohoo! Hey! Guess what? Turns out you and me, not to mention, well, everyone, we've got something in common!

That's right: we lie.

Oh, not all the time (if you can believe that). But at certain times. To certain people. In certain situations. Oh, and hey, our kids, they lie too! That's right, it's one whole big universal Party of Lies!

And here's why:

Well, there's a bunch of reasons. And it depends on who you are.

People lie to get what they want. Can you say "manipulative"? Ooh, that doesn't sound good, does it? Maybe that's not you, then. But surely you know someone like that.

People (even kids) lie to save face. In junior high I picked at a place on the bottom of my foot until it got really infected and I had blood poisoning and ended up in a cast and crutches. Not wanting to tell the real story, and a bit tired of answering questions about it, I began to tell people it was a skiing accident from the winter Olympics. Well, it could have been! (except I didn't ski. Whatever.)

People lie to tell people what they think they want to hear. Like your boss. Like what your kids lie to you about. Hey, it keeps people out of trouble! (sometimes) And so what if people think of you as an insipid people-pleaser?

People lie to impress others. Oh, I have never done that (excuse me while I take this important email about my important book deal). And you haven't either, I'm sure. But some people lie a teeny-weeny bit to make themselves look a teeny-weeny bit better, especially to strangers. You'll never see them again, so what?

People lie to protect one another. "No kids, of course Grandma isn't going to die." Yeah, that's a tough one. We think we need to protect people, especially kids, from harsh realities, but these things always seem to come back and bite you in the butt. To this day I am not convinced that Smokey my cat was found mysteriously dead on the garage floor (I suspect foul play), and when my parents are on their deathbeds I will grill them for the truth on this painful topic.

People lie because they can't help it. Avoid these people. And don't be one.

But back to the lying-to-protect thing: why do we do this? I think it's better, WAY better in the long run, to tell the truth, even if we are ashamed of it. And kids learn early on to lie about things. "Cookies? What cookies? I don't know who took the cookies, Mama!" So if we got all virtuous and filled with fortitude or whatever, maybe we could be better models for our kids who might grow up one day able to tell their partners that their breath stinks in the morning or that the outfit they have on makes them look faaat or whatever instead of keeping their mouths shut for ten years and THEN filing for divorce. Which in the long run would save everyone a whole lot of trouble.

That is, if you can believe me.

Photo: www.bvallc.com

Secrets and Lies

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 19:11:00 GMT

Moms who smoke pot, breastfeed each other's children, struggle with feelings of ambivalence about their children and their marriages. Is this the stuff of True Mom Confessions (or another daily read at Babble)? Or just a list of the usual secrets parents keep? When is telling the truth freeing? When is it merely exhibitionism?

Chicago Moms blogger Maryann Mohanraj writes about the dilemma all writers, all bloggers, face. Telling the truth isn't only a decision about privacy (our own and our family's) but also a calculation of the risks of truth-telling balanced again the fear and shame of someone knowing who we really are. Ms. Mohanraj takes the plunge, bares her soul, and if the comments are any indication, is vindicated for her bravery.

When we become parents, we often make the mistake of eradicating all signs of youthful (irresponsible?) freedom from our lives (and here I'm not talking *just* about wild free sex and drug hazed Sundays). Many people operate under the myth that to be a good parent (especially a good mama) one must deny the sinful past and start living a white picket fenced dreamy future. But by telling the truth about what is really happening in our imperfect worlds, we all do each other a huge favor and banish June Cleaver from our mythology. Hopefully someday sites like True Mom Confessions (and its partner in crime True Dad Confessions) won't be necessary because we'll all grow collective balls and start telling the truth.

Mama and Papa Are Big Ol' Liars

Kelly Mills — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 16:29:00 GMT

The other day we were watching Dirty Jobs and without going into a full recap, I'll just tell you that an orinthologist (that's a bird scientist) said it's a myth that touching a baby bird will cause its mom to reject it. She even said lots of baby birds die that way. Now of course, my mom told me never to touch baby birds, and if it wasn't for Dirty Jobs, I would have told my kid the same. And it made me realize that we parents are just liars. Now Mom Squawk has another one: apparently if you swallow your gum, it doesn't take years to digest. Oh, my world is crumbling!

Of course this is just the tip of the big lie iceberg. Rachel points out that we also tell kids outright bullshit like "If you swallow a watermelon seed (apple seed, etc.) you'll grow one in your tummy," "moms have eyes in the back of their heads," and for the more punitive parents, "if you're bad Santa will put coal in your stocking." Oh, and be careful because your face will freeze that way. We already told you the five-second rule was up for debate. And maybe you really could put an eye out with that stick, and maybe in our age of confession no one trots out the stork any more, but I am starting to suspect the tooth fairy wasn't real and maybe I'm not the sweetest little girl in the whole world. Sniff.

I've been living in the Matrix. Any more myths to debunk?