Strollerderby : fatherhood

Guy Blames - Who Else - Mom for Slashing Tires

JeanneSager — Thu, 28 May 2009 18:28:00 GMT

Apparently the guy caught slashing tires on almost fifty cars in Boulder, Colo. had never read Philip Larkin.

He blamed it all on Mom. Oh, and the braces she made him get when he was little. And - no surprise here - radiation.

Alright, he sounds mentally ill, so I'll lay off him. But now that I'm a parent, I think it's time I start keeping a running tab on how many people blame Mom for everything wrong in their lives vs. those who blame Dad.

Because there's no doubt dad screws up too (hence, Larkin's quote: "they f--k you up, your mum and dad" in case you don't know it). And the blame game is certainly becoming more popular in today's society (heck, I blame the parents who tell their kids it's never their fault!).

As parents, a certain percentage of our choices are naturally going to be wrong. If any of us escape un-blameworthy, you deserve more than medals. But there's no question some parents work particularly hard to screw up (um, guy who poisoned his kids to sue Campbell's Soup jumps to mind). And with kids naturally closer to one parent or the other, there's always going to be one shouldering a little more of the blame.

With an only child, who is fairly centrist in our lives (she floats from Mommy to Daddy and back again), we'll probably both feel burden. But at least she'll have something to talk to that therapist about!

Do you worry that your kids are going to blame you for certain things when they grow up?

Image: Amazon

Twins Have One Mom, Two Different Dads

JeanneSager — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:33:00 GMT

Anyone who has operated on the premise that you can't get any MORE pregnant listen up.

A Texas mom has given birth to two babies at the same time, with two different dads. Technically, the little boys are twins, but their features were so dissimilar their mom became suspicious and went to lab to check the boys' paternity.

The tests showed a .001 chance that the boys shared a father. Which medical experts means mom Mia Washington had sex with two different guys within twenty-four to forty-eight hours of each other. And unprotected sex we'd imagine.

There is a happy ending for Washington and her twins - she's apparently made up with partner James Harrison, he's forgiven her infidelity and agreed to raise both boys as his own. They're now expecting their third child (well, his second) together.

And the experts weighing in on this case are all pointing to the statistical impossibility of this happening - one doc told the NY Daily News that without fertility drugs, the chances are one in one hundred of a double pregnancy in this manner.

Still, one in one hundred? With the amount of baby making sex some couples have when they're desperately trying, I wonder how many fraternal twins out there were conceived in a similar manner, only with the same father. Without that major difference in features, and without the difference in paternity, I guess there's no way we'll ever know.

Image: Daily Mail

Best Ad for Sperm Donor EVER

JeanneSager — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:34:00 GMT

Here's hoping you have a slightly better handle on the lineage of the child in your belly than this woman: A North Carolina newspaper ran a legal notice on behalf of a mother searching for the possible father of her baby.

Her clues? He was “about 5 feet 7 inches tall, with a light brown complexion and ‘funny’ shaped eyes.”

Oh, just wait, it gets better.

The two apparently bumped pelvises sometime during the month of December 2002 (so we're assuming there was more than one sexual encounter that month, if she can't pin down a date for her one night stand, either that or a whole lot of alcohol?). She's also not sure WHERE she knocked boots with the man with funny shaped eyes.

Her best guess is "at a house in Bolton, N.C., thought to be the second house on the left after turning left on the street just past Bubba’s Club as you head east from Lake Waccamaw.”

The father was being sought not to provide any support but to give up his legal rights to the child who was about to be adopted at five years old. He was granted forty days to reply after the legal notice was published. I'm all for giving biological dads a chance to get involved in their kid's lives, but the best way to start that is generally to get the name of the guy you're about to let into your pants. I don't know, even a first name would be nice? And marking down the address of the site of your conquest might be prudent, in case you ever have to start knocking down doors when two lines show up on the little pee stick.

All kidding aside, I don't envy this woman the conversation about the birds and the bees. Hey mom, where do babies come from?

That would be the second house on the left after turning left on the street just past Bubba's Club . . .

Image: AllPosters

Source: KansasCity

Dad Finds Kidnapped Kids in a Week, Cops Tried for Six Months

JeanneSager — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:50:00 GMT

I've got a hearty respect for the boys (and women) in blue. With two state troopers in my family, you don't hear me saying a whole lot against the cops.

But to the police who spent six months searching for two boys kidnapped by their mother . . . only to be shown up by dad, who found them in a week, I've got to ask: what were you doing all this time?

The boys, ten and eleven, went missing from their Australia home when their mom, a Swedish citizen, grabbed them and ran in October. Suspected to have returned to her native Sweden, the mom became wanted there, and police started searching for the boys.

But after six months of waiting in Australia for word, Dad decided he'd had enough. He hopped a plane from Melbourne, rented a car and parked it outside the home of the boy's grandparents - the parents of their mother. He says now he had a hunch they were harboring the fugitive mother. Let's hear it for dads' intuition!

He was right. After a week of staking out the place, he snuck up to the door late one night only to hear the voices of his sons inside. He called the cops, who raided the house and came up with the fugitive mother and the missing boys. Mom is now in custody, and the boys are back with dad.

It's got a happy ending, but isn't this kind of obvious? When someone goes missing, don't you check with their parents first? I don' tknow about you, but I'd like to think my kid would come to me first if she were in trouble!

Image: TheSimpsons

And Deliver Us by Google

JeanneSager — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:34:00 GMT

For all you people who scoff at the power of Google University, I present the story of Jordan and Natalie Peck and their newborn baby girl

The Pecks live in Hendrum, Minnesota, right in the center of the bad flooding that's been making the news lately. So when the heavily pregnant Natalie went into labor, Jordan knew there was no way he could drive her to the hospital - and there was no way their midwife was getting to them.

So he did what any American who wants to know something did - he powered up Google and read up online on how to deliver a baby.

And then he did. The Pecks welcomed a healthy little girl named Margaret into their lives - and into their home - which they soon left because of the rising water. They are now staying with friends, unsure when they can move back into their home. But Jordan joked that he knows what it's like to be the guy told to just follow the instructions.

"This was one of those cases where I was going to follow the instructions to the T," he said. If you're one of those people who doesn't mind brushing up on knowledge (no need for waders - you can still be ready for the floods!) check out eHow - they've got it all . . . down to the T.

Image: KSTP TV

Meet Octo-Mom's Male Equivalent: Dad Has 86 Kids

JeanneSager — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:25:00 GMT

If this the were story of a mom of eighty-six kids, I'd be calling for someone to help stuff that uterus back up in there and sending her my sympathies.

The fact that there's a man out there with eighty-six kids and more on the way just gives me the creeps.

Daad Abdul Rahamn, a resident of Dubai who is only sixty-three, claims to be the man who's fathered the most children in the world. And that's something he's proud of? Even creepier, Rahamn doesn't actually foot the bill for his family; his fertility has earned him the respect of the local sheikh, and the sheikh pays to keep the family going.

Rahamn has had a total of seventeen wives (four at a time are permissible in the United Arab Emirates), and says he's looking for more. So he can make more babies, we guess?

I know I'm going to get the response that I just don't understand a culture other than my own, but please, spare me. This man has eighty-six kids. There aren't enough hours in the day to spend quality time with each one, and he can't even afford them! If you think Nadya Suleman is off the charts crazy then I think you've got to lay even more disgust on the fertile feet of this man. He admits to paying the kids to leave the room - so he can spend more time with his wives.

With his declaration that he wants to get to one hundred kids by 2017, I'd say this guy looks at parenting as a contest, not a reality.

Does he bother you the way OctoMom gets under your skin?

Image/Source: ABC

Why Daddies Don't Babysit

JeanneSager — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:24:00 GMT

Let it be known that my husband is a saint - a superb dad, a model husband. But he doesn't babysit.

For that matter - no father worth his salt babysits.

They parent.

Since my first outing alone after giving birth - a whopping twenty-minute run to the grocery store and back - I've been haunted by the same question. "Oh, your daughter's not with you? Is Daddy babysitting?"

I usually just grit my teeth and nod, but sometimes I can't help myself. "No," I tell them. "He's not babysitting. You see, he's her father, and as such, he doesn't babysit. Babysitting is what someone is hired to do when her parents aren't available. My husband, her daddy, is home, spending time with his daughter."

The notion that mothers parent and fathers babysit is outdated at best, downright insulting at worst. Why are fathers, who in this day and age really do put in as much time with their kids as their female partners considered babysitters? They are, after all, doing the same things their wives and girlfriends do - playing games, discipling, bathing, etc. They have as much to do with the child's presence on this earth too; and not only in the sense of procreation. They help support their kids financially and emotionally. They get up late at night and fill a medicine dropper with Tylenol to soothe a teething tot, and they get up in the morning to make waffles and pour sippy cups full of watered down orange juice.

I don't know a dad who would call himself anything less. So why do people still treat them like the hired help?

Image: Sager Scenes

Jon Stewart on Dashing His Children’s Hopes

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:00:00 GMT

Jon Stewart was on Conan O’Brien the other night, discussing the uncanny power of fatherhood. “Being a father is great for me because it’s a chance to ruin someone from scratch,” Stewart said, eliciting cathartic laughter from parents everywhere.

When you disappoint an adult, he explains, you know that they’ll get over it; they’ve been slighted or let down before. But when you disappoint your kid, you get a look that says, “I will never forget this as long as I live.”

Thanks to Jezebel for posting this clip, which is currently not available anywhere else. In fact, I’m unable to post the video directly on this page, but you can watch it here. Stewart also describes the hilariously adorable “secret plans” his son devises when her younger sister is taking a nap.

Photo: Blah Blah Blahg

"Dads" Want DNA Testing in Kansas

JeanneSager — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 16:28:00 GMT

Christopher Sprowson's ex-wife had an affair that resulted in a baby. Now the State of Kansas wants him to pay for a child genetic testing proves isn't his because he's the "presumed father."

A bit presumptuous, aren't they?

Sprowson and his first wife divorced when the child, now thirteen, was just a baby. He's never had a relationship with the child, nor has the mother called for one. Why should she? He isn't the boy's father.

Kansas officials stepped in when the ex-wife filed for welfare.The state automatically seeks child support for any parent receiving public assistance to reduce the state's burden. Unable to provide a name for a father of her boy, the state put the blame on Sprowson. When DNA proved otherwise, a judge said it didn't matter – as her husband at the time of the baby's birth, he had to pay some $10,000.

But Sprowson and wife Karey have three kids of their own to support, and they have made a bid to the state legislature to change the laws, allowing men to use DNA evidence to prove once and for all that they aren't responsible for kids with whom they share no blood relation.

Critics have said this will pave the way for stepfathers everywhere to shirk their responsiblities to their stepkids. The way I see it, stepkids are just that - "step" kids. Short of a marriage to the child's biological parent, they aren't that child's parent. So why should they be responsible for their care outside of the marriage? Their argument is the old standby - it takes more than biology to make a parent, and I agree with them. But that's a saying used to describe the non-biological parents who nurture children, not one that can be supplied to defend thrusting someone else's responsibilities on men like Christopher Sprowson. He never nurtured the child because he had no reason to - he wasn't the boy's father in any sense of the word, biological or emotional.

I don't fault the state for trying to reduce a burden on taxpayers by requiring non-custodial parents to step in to care for a child rather than the state. But you can't legislate family ties into existence anymore than you can force an angry spouse to accept their cheating partner's love child into their heart.

Give the guys their DNA test, Kansas. And let the real fathers stand up.

Image: NIH

Bringing Sexy Back: Involved Dads

JeanneSager — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:28:00 GMT

The news that a man at the helm of a parenting publication was news to the New York Times is nothing short of depressing. So he's a dad, and he's interested in parenting issues. And?

Come on, is that all there is here? Because we've got several dads who write for Babble on a regular basis (and one who outfits his daughter in some natty duds off his own sewing machine . . . I'll leave it to you readers to fight it out over which 'Derby Dad could double for Dior).

The point is, dads who know their parenting stuff are there - and they deserve credit for something other than what's hanging down between their legs.

Maybe I'm just cranky because I just put down a novel by a stay-at-home-dad about a stay-at-home-dad's brush with feeling too feminine simply for staying at home. Man of the House is Ad Hudler's follow-up to Househusband, a book I confess I never read.

Main character Linc Menner is Hudler in novel form, an anal-retentive (character and author both started coloring clubs in elementary school, then kicked the other kids to the curb for straying over the lines . . . they make medicine for that kind of thing these days) guy who decides he'll stick to the house to raise his daughter while his wife continues climbing the corporate ladder. The emasculating part isn't in letting their wives bring home the bacon but in a brush with home construction on their Florida home - when a man who spends all day with a daughter roiling with the hormones of puberty and all night with a wife roiling with the hormones of menopause is suddenly face to face with the uber macho man most of us just call the contractor.

I was all set to mock the storyline - guy emasculated by being a stay-at-home - until I started reading. As the daughter of a contractor, who, by the way, cries during chick flicks (sorry Dad), I get this. To this day, I am the only one in my family who has to think "righty tighty, lefty loosey" before I fit the screwdriver into the appropriate slots and start spinning. I take careful thwacks with my hammer - at least four or five to their one capable whaaaaaack. What should be my birth right as the daughter of a contractor somehow has passed me by - hopefully to my daughter.

The problem is, Linc Menner isn't any better at hanging drywall than I am - the difference in our "down there parts" be darned. So why should that separate our parenting skills? Why shouldn't a book about a guy making fun of the idiot mothers who have to have their own special parking spot in the school pick-up line be considered as snarky and fresh as it would coming from a mother herself? Man of the House isn't a book about a guy who steps into being the "mother" of the household. It's the book about a guy, who stays home with his kid, makes her eat three squares and do her homework and drives the van to the mall with a bunch of teenagers gabbing in the back.

In short, it's a book about a parent. The fact that it's not earth-shattering news makes it all the more worth reading.

Image: Amazon

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Should Dads Cosleep?

Miriam Axel-Lute — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Can dads sleep safely with their infants, or should that be left to moms and their "natural protective instincts"? The photo I posted with my report on the British study saying cosleeping doesn't increase risk of SIDS (reposted here) generated some passionate back and forth on this topic in the comments.

On the one hand, the official word from many cosleeping advocates is that it should only be the mom (and only a breastfeeding mom at that, yo). In fact, they even say that a cosleeping baby should not be placed between mom and dad, but between mom and a bedrail. Folks taking this position generally say that breastfeeding mothers are more "tuned in" to their babies, aware of their location, instinctually place them in a safe sleeping position, and wake in tandem with them throughout the night. Ccertainly if you are breastfeeding, one of the points of colseeping is having the breastfeeding mother right there to increase lactation and nursing frequency and duration.

On the other hand, I haven't actually seen any studies of specifically dads and cosleeping, but I've certainly known plenty of dads who describe for themselves perfectly my own experience of being hyper-aware of the presence and location and motion of their infants, even as they sleep. Is it possible that advocates on the defensive against "cosleeping = death" hysteria are being overcautious/biased on this one?

It's worth noting that dads, at least engaged ones, do actually go through hormonal changes themselves as they begin to parent, including modestly increased levels of prolactin, the lactation hormone. (I'd wager this probably also happens for non-bio moms in queer couples.) It's not like we're talking random person off the street here. But it's also not biological motherhood either.

What do you think? Is the only-moms-should-sleep-next-to-baby thing an acknowledgement of basic biology, or just more sexism trying to sneak in under the cloak of science?

Photo by davef3138, via Flickr.

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Is Banked Sperm Really the Same as Hair and Toenail Clippings?

JeanneSager — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:31:00 GMT

The contents of a freezer that broke down at a Britain hospital in 2003 wasn't just holding yesterday's lunch. It was keeping on ice the only hope six men would ever have of one day fathering children. Now five of the cancer patients (one has since died) are locked in a battle for damages that's now in front of the country's highest court.

The men were each told that treatment for their condition may result in the loss of their fertility - sending them scurrying to the hospital to have samples of their sperm frozen to preserve their chances of becoming a dad. In June 2003, the longterm storage unit at the Southmead Hospital failed, and the thawed sperm had to be thrown away. The North Bristol National Health System Trust, which manages the hospital, admitted it was at fault, but the men have so far been told that they are not eligible for any damages.

A county court judge earlier this year compared the sperm samples to hair and toenail clippings, stating the men had no right to claim personal injury once the sperm was removed from their body. Their lawyers are now fighting to have that overturned in front of the country's two seniormost judges.

Can anyone really compare sperm saved in a medical institution to toenails clipped over a garbage can? There's no guarantee that the sperm could successfully be used to create a viable embryo, but these men put specifically entrusted their sperm to a hospital to keep it for safekeeping. They did so with the specific intention of protecting their chances of one day becoming a father, something these men may never know (at least not in the biological sense).

People who dream of one day having children, only to learn infertility problems stand in the way, often mourn as though they've felt a physical loss. To tell them that they should look at their struggles as nothing more than losing one's hair would be both cruel and condescending. Can't the same be said for these men?

Image: eHow

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Who needs a uterus? Or a partner?

Miriam Axel-Lute — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:40:00 GMT

Perhaps this will finally kill the use of the miserable phrase "female-headed household" to mean "single parent."

Reporting on a trend that says more to me about changing gender roles than anything Sarah Palin has done, the New York Times reports that like single women who feel their biological clocks ticking have done for decades, more and more single men—gay and straight—are choosing single fatherhood, through adoption or surrogacy.

The Times reports that they face discrimination in their quest: They tend to be on the bottom of the preference list for birth parents, egg donors, or surrogates (I wonder how single straight men compare to queer couples in those cases. My guess is it depends where you are). And apparently some face women trying to "help" or "correct" their parenting in public too. (This reminds me of my favorite GabbyBaby shirt: "Please don't ask my daddy if he's 'babysitting.' Thanks. xoxo")

I for one suspect that many single men do start off a little behind in the knowing what the hell to do with a baby department, just because of what we as a culture see fit to expect men and women to know, but this doesn't bother me. They'll catch up just fine, just like the rest of us catch up with all the things we didn't learn from growing up in massive extended families caring for tons of younger siblings and cousins.

What I want to know, though, is how many of these single fathers are going to try to breastfeed.

Photo by divine in the daily.

Here's to the laddies who lunch

Brett Singer — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 21:00:00 GMT

An article in the New York Times Style section discussed a group of men who got together for breakfast after dropping their kids off at school. The men are Manhattan-based primary caregivers, and one of them describes their jaunts as "like 'Sex and the City' with coffee instead of cosmos."

Here are a couple of other possible descriptions:

"Like 'Sex and the City' with more body hair."

"Like 'Sex and the City' only we don't talk about penises."

Wait – actually, they do! The article details the dads discussing the pending bris of one of their sons; a debate about the merits of circumcision follows, with one dad defending the practice by saying, "You don’t think that with our technology you won’t be able to get a better foreskin?"

Then there was this line: "We do more parenting than our type-A wives and feel we’re justified." That killed me, or more accurately, would get me killed by my wife if I said it in the Times. The speaker was referring to the fact that they go out for breakfast with other dads on a regular basis. Another gem: "This wouldn’t exist with us if there wasn’t this need that in a sense is repressed…People are conditioned to feel that it’s sophomoric: now that you’re a grown-up, you’re supposed to spend time with your family, not your friends." Um, or you're too busy to putz around. (The article does point out that the men have nannies and housekeepers, so they have more time for dining out than other sad SAHDs might.)

How do the wives feel about it? One of them says, "It’s very nice — it feeds Josh’s soul…If it makes him less productive, that makes me resentful, and it has the potential to veer in that direction."

What I want to know is this: why does everything have to be a "thing"? It's not that I begrudge anyone their desire to hang out with like-minded folks. I would blame the 'Sex and the City' comparison on the author of the article, but it's a quote from one of the men.

And guys? You're not "entitled" to brunch. It's not a constitutional right. Sure, if you have time, hang out with your friends. Whatever. But "We do more parenting than our type-A wives and feel we’re justified"? How about "they go to work and you stay home so they're justified"? It's always funny to me that the non-traditional man stays at home with the kids scenario often devolves into the man not cooking or cleaning, and having time to linger over brunch. When women used to do this, it was derisively referred to as a kaffeeklatsch. But the men "feel justified."

As for me, I'm often the only father picking up at school, and that's fine. Sometimes there are things that "the moms" do, and I will publicly state that it's OK, I don't want to go. Not because I don't enjoy their company, but men and women sometimes do different things. Besides, maybe they want to chat without some bald guy around. I didn't even watch 'Sex and the City', why would I want to behave like the characters?

The only all-dad activity I can recall was a late-hours basketball game, which I skipped because one of the fathers involved looked at me, deadly serious, and said, "We don't get that competitive. Nobody's gotten hurt in a couple of years." Take my word for it, he wasn't kidding. I have friends with children of their own, and we talk about the kids. But it's just life. It's not a "thing," as one of the men in the article calls it (somewhat derisively, I should add.)

There has to be some middle ground between brunching and the shooting range. Or maybe there isn't. Me, I have work to do.

(Source)

image: Sex and the City poster that I goofed around with in Photoshop

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Mets player thanks wife by letting her have his baby

Brett Singer — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Ryan Church plays right field for the New York Mets. He's having a great year so far, with a .310 batting average, 8 home runs and 30 RBIs.

One reason is that, despite having just become a father a couple of months ago, he's getting enough sleep.

In an interview with the New York Times, Church seems to be saying that he figures letting his wife have his baby is thanks enough for getting up in the middle of night with the newborn. Maybe I'm interpreting this wrong. Here's the quote:

HOW ABOUT THE SLEEP? Well, I was expecting it, but I didn’t know it was going to be this bad. Actually, sleepwise, it’s been relatively easy for me. She’s been really good. He cries, she gets up and lets me try to stay there and try to sleep. Still, I wake up, and it’s one of those things where you hear a noise and you’re like, O.K., I have to go pick him up.
HOW DO YOU PLAN TO REPAY HER FOR LETTING YOU SLEEP? Having my kid. I’ve gotten her some gifts.

Maybe I'm just jealous. OK, no maybe about it. Because if I said to my wife, "Honey, thanks for getting up with the baby. To show my appreciation, I got you pregnant. Enjoy!" I think I might get a baseball bat upside my head. To be fair, Church is a baseball player, makes $2 million a year, and probably wouldn't be much good at the plate if he couldn't keep his eyes open. (Mets' fans booed Johann Santana, arguably the best pitcher in baseball, the first time he pitched for the Mets this year; I doubt they'd be forgiving of a guy nodding off in the outfield because junior kept him up all night.) Still, his phrasing leaves something to be desired. (Maybe he's been hanging out with Barack Obama.)

Church went on to say that he and the missus were "planning on going on a trip this off-season." When asked if the baby would stay home, he said, "Hopefully. We’ll see how that works."

Excuse me; I think I just fell down from laughing so hard. Okay, I'm back.

Church suffered a concussion during spring training. Maybe he's still a little dopey.

image: Yahoo Sports

Dad Denied Despite DNA

Amy Kuras — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Imagine having a kid that you know is yours, that you've spent time with and become attached to, and that a DNA test proved is yours. (you're a guy, obviously, in this scenario, because usually we womenfolk pretty much know when a baby we're caring for is genetically ours).
The kid you fathered and developed a bond with, though, is the product of an affair with a married woman, who stayed with her military-man husband. And that guy, who was away at an Air Force base during your relationship with his wife, gets to be the legal father of your child.
That's the situation faced by James Rhoades of Tallahassee, Fla. The Supreme Court of Kentucky (where the boy's mother and her husband now live) ruled 4-3 last month that Rhoades could not press his paternity claim despite DNA evidence.
The reason is a centuries-old legal precedent called the "marital presumption" which holds that if a woman is married when she gives birth, that man is presumed to be the father of the child even if all parties involved know otherwise.
Which made sense centuries ago, before we understood anything about genetics much less DNA. Now, though, when establishing paternity is as simple as swabbing a cheek, is it really right to keep this child's real father, who is eager to continue a relationship with him, out off his life? Or, conversely, to force men who are already dealing with the fallout from a cheating spouse to be financially responsible for a child that is not theirs because they were married to the child's mother?
"... We are in need of a bold declaration that the marriage circle, even one with an errant partner, will be invaded at one's own legal risk," Justice Bill Cunningham was by quoted Time as writing in his judicial opinion.
GAH. I'm pro-marriage, for EVERYBODY that wants it, but that's just — wow. When at least two of the three people involved showed no respect for the institution, why in heaven's name should the law? Especially when a boy's right to know the truth of his life is being trampled. And a father is left, as the Time article describes him, "devastated."

Image: TIME

Judge This Father: Honest or an Ass?

Jen Chaney — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 15:32:00 GMT

A father writes a Dear Prudence letter over at Slate.com. He says he has a 2-year-old and a wife who stays home with her full-time. When he gets home at the end of the day and is expected to interact with his little girl, he gets irritated.

"As my daughter has gotten older, I find that spending time with her is less and less enjoyable," he writes. "When she was an infant, and I could cuddle up with her on the couch and read a book or watch television, things were fine. Now that she's more demanding, I find it quite frustrating."

"I hate to say it," he adds, "but I just don't enjoy Easter egg hunts or playing in the sand box "

Prudence gives him some decent advice, praising him for his candor but also dishing out some well-deserved attitude: "It sounds as if the only part of fatherhood you've enjoyed so far is the fact that as long as an infant is not crying, you can pretend she's a stuffed animal." Ouch.

So does this guy deserve credit for admitting his feelings? Or a smackdown for wanting to keep his daughter at arm's length? I say he gets honesty points for sharing his emotions and asking whether they make him a bad father. The fact that he raises the question implies that he cares and wants to be a good dad. Maybe his irritation over his daughter's "demands" is just a matter of adjusting to life beyond infancy.

But the implication that he has somehow earned the right to be left alone because he's working -- "I realize that my wife needs a break when I get home. However, I just spent eight hours at the office—it's not like I'm on a wonderful vacation all day" -- strikes me as sexist and old-school in the worst possible way.

I know Terrible Twos didn't write to me for advice. But here's my suggestion, and one I'll try to remember on those days when I'm in no mood to read "Good Night, Gorilla" to my son for the 87th time: You and your spouse must have had a child for some reason. Remind yourself of that reason. Then put your annoyance aside, clear your mind of that work baggage and embrace your kid. Twenty years from now, you won't remember what the heck you were so cranky about. But you will regret not showing your girl more love at a time when she clearly craved it.

Photo: Tradebit.com

Dads Matter, Even For Baboons

Amy Kuras — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:03:00 GMT

A recent review by Swedish researchers of 20 years of data on father-child relationships bears out an idea that should surprise none of us: Dads matter.

Specifically, having an active, positively involved father reduces behavior problems in boys and psychological problems in girls. And it has a significant effect on reducing criminal behavior in kids from low-income families and improves intelligence, reasoning and language development.

Why, it's like dads are breastmilk!

"For example, we found various studies that showed that children who had positively involved father figures were less likely to smoke and get into trouble with the police, achieved better levels of education and developed good friendships with children of both sexes," says Dr. Anna Sarkadi from the Department of Women's and Children's Health at Uppsala University, Sweden.

"Long-term benefits included women who had better relationships with partners and a greater sense of mental and physical well-being at the age of 33 if they had a good relationship with their father at 16."

And hell, the benefits apparently hold true for baboons as well.

The researchers are calling on healthcare professionals to encourage and welcome more engagement from fathers, and on policymakers to set policy that makes it easier for dads to be involved.

It seems like a no-brainer, but I know that sometimes people focus on my role as mother and kind of dismiss that tall guy standing next to me who knows our kid as well as I do. Lots of the networking that goes on among parents tends to be mother-focused. A little more dad love would be good for everybody, methinks.

Depressed Dads: Why Aren't We Talking About This More?

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 22:57:00 GMT

Depression has seeped into our household. And while I was hyper-aware about post-partum depression to the point of checking in with myself, my therapist and my closest friends, it never occurred to me to worry about my husband's mental health. Of course, I did worry about him. There was another person in the center of our relationship. And he was sad to leave us behind each day and he felt a newfound pressure to provide that I thought the simple declaration of a feminist partnership would eradicate completely. But I didn't worry about depression in him. Until about six months ago and now, three years later, it is a very present force in our small apartment. One of the biggest surprises is that, when I've opened up to other women about this, many have responded that their spouses or former spouses had also been tangled up in depression. It makes me wonder: Why don't we talk more about the beyond-sad dads?

One of my mama friends says she thinks that men -- and this is more guideline than rule observational stuff -- don't open up to their friends about those deep and weighing stresses that build up over time. Of course, there is the whole brain chemistry component to depression, but could it be that part of the reason we don't talk about men being depressed is that men don't talk about it much amongst themselves?

The good news is that there is more and more emerging about post-partum depression in fathers. But I think there is more to be written -- and discussed -- about depressed dads with children who've grown past the baby stage and how that impacts the whole family. At one point, I honestly would have said that women cannot be responsible for probing into men's depression as well as women's depression, PPD, depression in their kids...and the list goes on. But now that it has made its home in mine it seems more important to start talking than leave it up to someone else. Anyone?

Babble Talk: Mmmm...Hanson

aprilpeveteaux — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 20:44:00 GMT

The three brothers of pop made for such delicious punch lines in the late 90’s, but now the Hanson brothers are all grown up, seemingly oblivious to the taunts of their youth. I’m sure the multi-platinum records helped. In fact, in the Babble interview with Sarah Hepola, the former teen idols seem so well-adjusted that even though they’re barely in their twenties and have a total of four children, I can’t think of a single smartass comment about these boy wonders, who are still making music and touring around the world.

It actually doesn’t surprise me that the brothers are settling down and behaving themselves. You see, I’m from Oklahoma too and there isn’t a much bigger threat than having your parents sit you down and gravely inform you that you have “brought shame to the family name.” That, and the fact that getting married right out of high school is considered sweet instead of insane. Hepola’s interview with the Hanson’s while in NYC digs into their decisions to become family men, instead of cautionary tales. They even have a little perspective for those young’uns in the spotlight today. If only Britney had paired up with TH instead of JT. Sigh.

Are Dads the New Moms?

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 22:31:00 GMT

And if so, when do I get all my retroactive paid vacation and Christmas office parties? Oh, and Post-It notes. I could really use a big drawer-full of free Post-It notes for all those little mommy (I mean PARENTAL) love notes in preschool lunches and reminders to order a Costco cake for the birthday party, send seven birthday gifts to other people's kids, pick up soy butter and little containers of applesauce (red NOT blue or orange) from the grocery store and copy playdates from email correspondence to the family calendar, call my mother/mother-in-law and all those little but imperative things mothers do. Errr, I mean, fathers.

Dads of today, columnist Lenore Skenazy writes, are picking up on the tenets of modern motherhood. In fact, she says, trophy husbands have replaced trophy wives by opting to spend more time with their offspring and putting the business of driving to soccer practice and searching the house, car and seven errand stops for a lost woobie ahead of the income-earning kinds of business. The big golden, gleaming trophy's no longer the Harry Winston tennis bracelet, Jag in the driveway or private lessons with an Olympian kayaker. Instead, its the privilege of being with and there for your kids.

I guess if I'm following these new guidelines, I have a trophy hubs of my own. After some grueling and marriage-altering months when my husband worked 70+ hours a week, we made a choice that he'd take a pay cut to reduce his hours so he could be home more and I could have a reasonable chance at avoiding institutionalization. Our budget's tight but Thursdays are now Men Only days and I can always count on my husband to be our family's parent of the day at preschool. He's also a faithful laundry-doer (even if I have to remind him that sheets need to be changed at least monthly) and dishes-doer (even if he actively avoids the sippy cup valves). While the "dads are the new moms" is catchy, I just think of us as having as equitable a partnership as we can. But I might just change my tune if he remembered to buy a card for his own sister's birthday and stopped dressing the boy in those goofy mismatched outfits.

Putting Fathers to the Test: Super Dad or Challenge Dad?

Kelly Mills — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 13:04:00 GMT

Sometimes it pays to brush up on the diaper changing skills and the baby food knowledge, and not just to impress the guys at the office with your understanding of pureed squash. Fathering Japan, a Tokyo non-profit, will be offering a "daddy exam" so fathers can test their knowledge of all things paternal, and get ranked anywhere from "super dad" to "challenge dad" (a.k.a. "sucky dad"). The test is designed to raise men's awareness about parenting, because apparently fatherhood often takes a backseat to work in Japan, though the times are a'changin. The director of Fathering Japan says, "There just isn't enough information about parenting for fathers. Through the exam, we want men to realize that they don't know anything about child-rearing." Hey, a test designed to make you feel like you don't know anything... It's calculus all over again!

Test questions range from "Who played the father in the movie 'Kramer versus Kramer'?" (obviously a crucial piece of knowledge in both Japanese and American parenting,) to the fundamentals of potty training, to the percentage of the GDP spent on parenting support (suddenly feeling like this mom might fail as a dad.) I wonder if they have multiple choice stuff like, "When you care for the kids and you let them have the forbidden Slurpees and Pop Rocks as a snack, do you a) say to the kids, "Don't tell your mother," b) Claim not to remember what the snack was, c) Distract mom by saying, "How come it took you so long just to get your hair cut?" or d) All of the above"? (Yeah, yeah, we pin this on some dads, but there's plenty of moms guilty of this too: we call it "fun parent" syndrome.) Anyhow, the test costs about $35, which means only overachievers will sign on voluntarily. Just pass me a note with your answer on the whole GDP thing.

Real Dads and Reel Dads Duke It Out

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 21:02:00 GMT

It's that time again! Time for that dreaded trip to the greeting card aisle to pick out a masculine card for the dad you still haven't forgiven for shaming you out of trying out for the pom squad or to find a card that perfectly combines the humor and heart-felt sentiments for the father who you mimic everyday while singing Wheels on the Bus with your own wee ones. As if that's not enough pressure, Blockbuster, struggling movie rentees and icons of scientific family relationship research, has just released the results of a longitudinal, worldwide survey (not really but they also say they don't charge late fees anymore -- ha!) on the best dads on- and off-screen.

Predictably, the top pic for "Movie Dads You'd Most Like As Your Own" is Chris Gardner, profiled in Pursuit of Happyness and played by Will Smith. In second place is Father of the Bride's George Banks, played lovable and bumbly by Steve Martin. In third place is Gregory Peck's portrayal of Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird, which makes me think that some ambitious junior-year high school English teacher offered up a boatload of extra credit points to students who chose him in the survey.

Topping the "Movie Dads Most Like Your Own" category are (again) George Banks, Robert DeNiro's Jack Byrnes' lie detecting dad character in Meet the Parents, and Chevy Chase's timelessly hilarious and embarrassing Clark Griswold, Eugene Levy's portrayal of "Jim's Dad" in American Pie. I have to admit that, as much as I've laughed at these funny fathers and as much as one or more of them may (I said may) slightly resemble my own dad, I sure wouldn't admit it. Especially to the assholes who constantly charged me for movies I totally returned on time.

The final category, "Celebrity Dads You'd Like As Your Own," confused me the most. I get the oh[so obvious pics of Papas Pitt and Smith but the others -- Daddies Cruise, Crowe and Affleck -- have me puzzled. What? No Ozzy? No Jude Law? No K-Fed?

More Stuff for Father's Day ... Just Not for You

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:31:00 GMT

I mocked a dad for not wanting things for Father's Day. How could he not want a coffee mug? Or a tie? Or even crappy, home-made crayon art work? But now I'm guessing there's quite a few dads out there -- somewhere -- who value family, happiness and social awareness over more important things.

And that's where Changing the Present comes in. It's web site that lets you donate to important causes, instead of simply shelling out dough for bric-a-brac and lingerie this Father's Day.

For instance, for $50 you can de-mine a sports field. For $20, you can buy 8,000 pounds of carbon to offset something to do with the ice caps. For $75, you can provide healthcare to a needy person for a month.

The list of ultra-cool greeny gifts goes on and on -- and I'm beginning to think I might finally have found something better than stuff. (Note that I haven't vetted this site -- so do your homework before donating. But the idea was too good to pass up.)

Gene Simmons Offers Tips on Fatherhood

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 29 May 2007 17:11:00 GMT

Gene Simmons, of Kiss (and long tongue) fame, spouts about fatherhood in this month's Esquire, along with other fatherhood experts, Forest Whitaker and Mario Battali. Simmons discusses his confusion over his mother's offer throughout his childhood to throw herself under a truck for him, to which he (naturally) responded: "Don't do that, you'll die!"

Other gems? Appreciate the small moments, threaten boy suitors, and whisper so the kids have to lean in. With advice like this, who needs Doctor Phil or Berry Brazelton?

[Photo Credit: Esquire]