10 Names to Give Your Under 5 Daughter for Her . . . You Know

Miriam Axel-Lute — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:01:00 GMT

10) Cha-cha/hoo-ha/etc. In other words "Something whose name we dare not speak, so we replace it with nonsense syllables." Not promising in terms of open information sharing. With the right attitude, I suppose it can be pulled off, but for me these have all been tainted irrevocably by the "Hoo-haa Monolgues" episode.

9) Mariposa. A near miss. A beautiful sounding word, meaning butterfly in Spanish, but also a colloquially appropriate term. Unfortunately, to many, it's kind of like the Spanish equivalent of "pussy."

8) Vajayjay. Made famous by Grey's Anatomy (made up by Grey's Anatomy?), and adopted by Oprah. Fun and jaunty, but also screams, "There's this other word I'm avoiding saying!"

7) Vagina. Considered the medically accurate term, but it technically only describes the internal part, which is generally irrelevant to young kids and not what they were asking about. Thanks to Eve Ensler, considered the de rigeur empowerment term for those not comfortable reclaiming the c word.

6) Vag/Gina/Giny. More like nicknames than actual names (and the bane of women named Regina everywhere), these have the benefit of implying casual familiarity, not something to get all work up over. But it also seems silly to teach them to a kid without teaching her what they're short for.

5) Vulva. Word of choice for those who think "vagina" sounds ugly (not like "penis" is particularly mellifulous, but whatever). Describes the external part, so at least it's what she might see in the mirror, even if it's not the whole shebang.

4) Private parts. Definitely carries the "and we don't like to talk about them in any more detail" aura. Still, it is what teachers and law enforcement officials are likely to use, making it useful. We're going to have to figure out how to teach about the different between privacy and shame sometime. Plus it's the only gender neutral option out there.

3) Girl parts/girl bits. Some how has a less stuffy, more fun feeling than "private parts," even though it's still aggressively vague. I can just hear it now: "What's this bit, Mommy? How about this bit?"

2) Yoni. If you're going to other languages/cultures, this is a standout. Yoni comes from Sanskrit—it is often used to refers to the whole package (there is just no non-vulgar English word that manages that), and is not actually a swear word. In fact it means "divine passage" and is associated with goddesses.

1) Scheide. ("Shy-duh") If Yoni is a little too New Age for you, sensible German can come to the rescue. Of course almost no one will know what she means.

0) Well, honey, there's lots of words for that. You want her to be able to talk to teachers or doctors and have them understand her. You don't want to generate a 1950s hush-hush atmosphere and raise a young woman who thinks she needs to put a tampon in her urethrea. You want to be accurate and you also don't want a word that's all about the reproductive organs when all your three-year-old wants is a word for the area where her pee comes out. You want a word that's OK for your toddler that you won't have to take back when she's 14 (because she sure won't be all that keen on a vocab lesson then).

And you also want painless teething and toilet training at six months. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but despite what seems like our endlessly inventive language, there's no one word that fits the bill. But who said you have to pick just one? Give her one (or more) to use when asking you questions and also something professionals will understand.

(And please remember, whether or not you want to go there, that the accurate anatomical answer when she says "My brother has a penis, what do I have?" is "clitoris.")

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The bra for your butt

Brett Singer — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Remember the manzier aka "The Bro" from Seinfeld? That was a joke. But the Brum, a bra for the female heiny, is real.

Yahoo! Shine covers (no pun intended) this latest trend in undergarments. As Jennifer Romolini puts it, "Butt is the new boobs. In fact, the hottest look in lingerie is actually something let's call butt cleavage and the best way to show off your butt cleavage is with a Brum."

BlackBook magazine offers further insight: "Anal cleavage has gained popularity this century with the rise of low-cut jeans (or should I say descent), the emergence of the whale tale, and most recently, posterior-revealing lingerie."

One of the two times I've been lucky enough to fly first class (frequent flier miles people – save them) I shared the flight with Victoria's Secret uber-model Adriana Lima. When we arrived in New York, Lima stood up and pulled her jeans down so that they revealed a little bit of what, on a fat guy, would be called Plumber Butt. On her, it was, well, something else. As far as I can recall she wasn't wearing ass-enhancing undies, but this was a few years ago so who knows. (And before someone says, "why were you looking at her butt?" it was first class, it was a small cabin, and she looked at me first! OK, no she didn't.) The point of the story is that there are indeed women who like to show off a little of what they've got going on back there (especially in New York, I guess), but is there a need for a specific piece of clothing to help them do it? I always thought that the thong was the preferred garment for showing your nether-cheeks. In fact, the Brum seems to cover more rear acreage than the traditional thong, although that could be in order to push out certain areas.

One commenter on Shine says that this is no different from the Miracle Bra, but to my male eyes it seems a little different. This also isn't the first product to act as a tush-pusher; Shine also covered Booty Pop panties, which are designed to make your booty POP(!).

So. IS this any different from a Miracle Bra? And would you wear a Brum?

image: BlackBook via Shine

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