14 Lies Parents Need to Stop Telling Their Kids (Part 1)

Cole Gamble — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

You have the eat vegetables because big kids eat their vegetables.

If you've ever told your kid they couldn't leave the table until they finish their carrots while you ate ice cream straight from the carton, don't worry. You are not a hypocrite; you're just every other mom or dad in the world.

You are the prettiest girl/most handsome boy in the world

Can't be true. The law of averages makes it mathematically impossible. Are they very handsome and pretty? Sure, why not. But yours can't be the most handsome or pretty. Mine are.

Go to bed or I'll call the police

No wonder kids grow up to become adults with big problems with authority. Personally I never had the cops take me away as a kid (because I went to bed). But when it came time for me to call the cops on my kids, guess what? They didn’t come. CPS did though.

The cat “ran away”

No cat ever runs away, unless you mean running away to kitty heaven. This is a lie you can almost justify in your head because it sounds so close to the truth. “Ran away”…“ran over,” almost the same thing.

Santa, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy

The big three. The Legion of Doom. Yes, these on the face are sweet pillars of youth and magic, but take a moment to examine what you are really telling your child when you pass on their legends:

Santa

Breaks into your house, eats all your food and maybe leaves you some tainted toys from China. And that's if he deems you as “good.” If not he leaves you coal (which with today's fuel prices might not be the worst gift). And how does he know whether you are good or not? He's been watching you. He's always got his eyes on you. You know who else watches you all the time and decides whether you are good or not? Buffalo Bill. If you get a stocking full of skin lotion, I’d move.

Easter Bunny

So there is this bunny. No, not a normal sized bunny. A seven foot tall bunny. A bunny who could dunk on Shaq. Anyway, this is an anthropomorphized bunny. He can talk and stuff, although all he wants to talk about is marshmallow. Not that you'll be able to pay attention to what he's saying, you'll be fixated on those six inch incisors and asking yourself, “what exactly does a giant bunny you have to do with this holiday?”

Tooth Fairy

Oh how these three love breaking and entering. This time a tweaked-out lady wants your teeth. Why does she want your teeth? What is she doing with all those teeth? Making human jewelry? Here's another thing to consider, what happens if TF shows up to a kid's house to find there is no tooth and she made a mistake? She doesn't just toddle off. This lady has gotten a jonesin' for teeth and she needs a fix. That's why she carries around a set of brass knuckles. Sweet dreams, kids.

Click here for part 2

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14 Lies Parents Need to Stop Telling Their Kids (Part 1)