Strollerderby : child

Woman Plans to Be Impregnated with Dead Lover’s Sperm

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 17:50:00 GMT

Nabokov wrote, “Eccentricity is greatest grief’s greatest remedy.” This is certainly the case for a Bronx woman whose 31-year-old fiancé died unexpectedly from a heart attack last week. In the wake of her partner’s death, Gisela Marrero found comfort in the possibility that she could harvest his sperm. Marrero and Johnny Quintana had been together for 13 years and already have a two-year-old. According to Marrero, they were planning to have another child.

Marrero’s fight to harvest her lover’s sperm was a race against the clock, as sperm remain fresh for only 36 hours after death and Marrero was required to have a court order okaying the procedure, since she and Quintana were not married. The judge approved of the post mortem sperm extraction with only four hours to spare, so sperm bank employees rushed to the medical center where Quintana’s body was held.

In the midst of the indescribable pain that Marrero must be in, it makes sense that she would jump at the opportunity to keep the man she loved in her life, in any way possible. But, as unimaginable as it surely seems to her now, Marrero could eventually fall in love with someone who would love to be the father to her second child, making life much easier for this unborn child. I’m certainly not against artificial insemination for single women, but bringing a baby into the world so that the memory of his father can live on is, in my opinion, too much burden to place on a child.

Marrero claims that having another child was Quintana's wish and is the "last thing I can do for him." But having a child while alive and becoming a father after death are two entirely separate things. There's no way to know what Quintana, who was not expecting to die so young, would have wanted in this situation.

Do you think that the judge was right to approve of Marrero's desire to increase her family, despite her lover's death?

Photo: Daily News

Mom Gets OK to Collect Dead Son's Sperm

Casey Anthony Obsessed with Skull Images after Caylee’s Disappearance

Cole Gamble — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 18:00:00 GMT

In the time after Caylee Anthony disappeared, her mom, Casey, began collecting photos of skulls and sketches of skeletons kissing. This discovery comes after the Orange County Sheriff's Office released about 1,100 pages of interview reports and photos this week.

Caylee Anthony, who disappeared in early June, was not reported missing until a month after she vanished. Police records show the images of skulls and skeletons were posted to Casey Anthony's online photo account on June 26. The reason for Anthony's interest in the images is still not clear.

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North Dakota Passes Law Establishing "Personhood" at Conception

Kate Tuttle — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:01:00 GMT

In the latest salvo against abortion rights, North Dakota's house of representatives this week passed a law defining a fertilized egg as having all the rights of a human being. The bil, which passed with a 51-41 vote, will now move to the state's senate for its consideration. If it is approved, legal challenges are expected that could end up in the United States Supreme Court -- a body that is now widely seen as having a five-justice majority willing to restrict abortion rights first enumerated in the 1972 Roe v. Wade ruling.

Dan Ruby, the Republican state congressman who sponsored the bill, says it's not intended to ban abortion, simply to define when life begins -- a question that has mystified thinkers for centuries, but apparently is obvious to the North Dakota Republican Party -- and to give that life "some protections under our Constitution."

This is hardly the first or the only legislative assault on Roe, and it certainly won't be the last. It is, however, part of an interesting new political/religious movement that uses the term "personhood" to attempt to define not only fetuses, but blastocytes (what's next, follicles?) as fully-fledged human beings deserving of all the legal status of a baby, child, or adult. The so-called "personhood movement" aims to roll back abortion rights by means of state legislative action, primarily working in states that outlawed or restricted abortion in the days pre-Roe, when each state had its own laws regarding reproductive rights. In defining even a fertilized egg as human, backers are not only taking aim at abortion but also at many forms of birth control, which operate by preventing fertilized eggs from implanting in the woman's uterus. It could also result in pregnant women being prosecuted for behavior said to endanger their fetuses.

I'm interested in this movement, and wonder when they will turn their attention to granting "personhood" rights to children who have already been born. One group of persons whose rights need protecting is children who are US citizens but whose parents are not -- an estimated 100,000 parents were deported over the past decade whose children, having been born here, should be enjoying all the rights of other US citizens, rather than left behind by their parents or forced to return to countries with fewer opportunities for them. And how about extending "personhood" rights to gay Americans who would like to marry and raise their children together, just as their straight friends and relatives do?

The religious right's emphasis on what happens before birth and after death is mystifying to me at times. I'd like to remind them that there's life after birth, and protecting those lives seems a much better use of everyone's time, energy, and attention.

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Kids: Bringers or Destroyers of Marital Happiness?

Kate Tuttle — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

So, does a child bring greater love, happiness, and intimacy to his or her parents, or is having children instead a marital challenge only the strongest can endure? According to several new studies (discussed in a recent New York Times health column) marital happiness declines when children are born, and stays low until they grow up and leave the house. Empty nesters, whom popular media and self-help books would teach us to pity, turn out to be among the happiest of all married people!

As with so many "groundbreaking" new research results, this one leaves me surprised anyone is surprised. Of course having children is backbreaking, infuriating, heartbreaking and absolutely incompatible with so many of the things that make life truly fun (spontaneous travel, sex and drinking, for instance!). On the other hand, surviving the early years of parenthood and reaching a state of satisfiction with one's adult children and spouse would seem like a slam dunk in the happiness department. The studies cited in the Times article dealt mostly with women's happiness, which they described as peaking when women hit their 60s and presumably had launched their children into the world (although with many of us now having kids into our early 40s, some of us will still be scouting colleges and paying tuition deep into our mid-sixties). Less studied was the effect of having children on men's happiness, but one study seemed to address the gender inequality so common in family life:

The arrival of children also puts a disproportionate burden of household duties on women, a common source of marital conflict. After children, housework increases three times as much for women as for men, according to studies from the Center on Population, Gender and Social Equality at the University of Maryland.

Didn't Ann Landers famously ask people to write in and say whether or not they were glad they had had kids, and wasn't the nation shocked when a full 70% of her respondants (10,000 people!) said that if they had it to do over, they would not have had kids? Having children is hard work, folks, and while it's no surprise they put enormous pressure on our marriages while they're young, it's really kind of heartening to hear that maybe, when all these grueling years are past us, we can enjoy true marital bliss in our empty nests (if our 401Ks rebound enough by then for us to afford them!).

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Toddler Injured in Xmas Tree Fight Between Mom and Grandma

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and put your irritation with your mother-in-law on hold—particularly when it’s Christmas Eve, your toddler is in the room, and you’re wielding a large Christmas tree like a weapon.

A 21-month-old is in the hospital after receiving a serious eye injury during a tussle between her mother and her grandmother over a four-foot-tall Christmas tree, over which they each claimed ownership. (It really is amazing how often Christmas becomes a time to completely obliterate the Christmas spirit.) The holiday did not begin auspiciously for the family, as they were celebrating in a motel after a fire forced them out of their home.

The mother, Sandra Price, is being held on charges of reckless conduct, and it is not yet clear whether or not her daughter will lose sight in her eye.

Photo: thetelegraph.com

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Should Students Attend Parent-Teacher Meetings?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:30:00 GMT

In an effort to boost participation in parent-teacher meetings, many schools have started including an unlikely facilitator in the talks: the student. According to The New York Times, attendance at parent-teacher meetings at a middle school outside Chicago increased sevenfold after administrators started letting students sit in on the conferences. The principal speculated that parents from low-income and immigrant families are more likely to attend a discussion with their child and her teacher than a traditional meeting in which they listen politely to a 15-minute teacher monologue. I would guess that parents are also more likely to attend conferences when they don’t have to pay for childcare.

Candidly discussing your child’s performance and challenges in front of him may seem like a joke of a conference (and doubtless it sometimes is), but, if led well, such a conference does have the potential to improve more than just attendance. Allowing the student to present her own academic successes and concerns makes kids feel in charge of their learning process. As one parent put it, “My daughter is learning that the teacher is not responsible for her learning. Cierra knows that she is responsible for her own success.”

On the other hand, parent-teacher conferences can be vital times for both parent and teacher to fill each other in on important behavioral concerns that neither party would be comfortable discussing in front of the student—perhaps your child is having trouble sleeping, for instance, affecting her engagement in the classroom. To address this need for privacy, some schools offer parents the opportunity for closed parent-teacher meetings by appointment. Every school opting for a student-inclusive meeting should—quite clearly and vocally—offer parents this option.

Photo: New York Times

Mommy's Little Tax Deduction, And How To Get It

Kate Tuttle — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:33:00 GMT

You know how everyone always gives you lots of unsolicited advice before you have a baby? Like, "your life is gonna change forever!" or "sleep when the baby sleeps"? One thing people rarely tell you, but should, is this: daycare is hella expensive. Luckily, there are a few ways you can defray these costs -- either through the federal Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit or through a Flexible Spending Account through your work.

It's too late to sign up for an FSA for 2008, but for those trying to figure out what will work best for 2009, here's a handy calculator.

For those without an FSA but looking to claim the daycare credit (which is left unclaimed by thousands of parents who are eligible), the National Women's Law Center has assembled this useful resource. Thanks, women!

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Eight-Year-Old Charged with Murdering His Father

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 18:59:00 GMT

An eight-year-old Arizona boy is facing two counts of premeditated murder for the deaths of his father and his father’s friend. Police are investigating whether abuse played a role in the murders, even as they continue with plans to prosecute the child.

Soon after 29-year-old Vincent Romero and 39-year-old Timothy Romans, who was renting a room at the Romero house (pictured), were fatally shot, the boy went to a neighbor’s house and said that he believed his father was dead. Police immediately arrived on the scene, and claim to have gotten a confession from the child. But the boy’s lawyer is charging that officers questioned him too severely without the benefit of a parent or representative at his side. (The boy’s father had full custody, with the mother visiting from out-of-state on the weekends.)

"They became very accusing early on in the interview," attorney Benjamin Brewer said. "Two officers with guns at their side, it's very scary for anybody, for sure an 8-year-old kid."

Although the boy’s home was unknown to Child Protective Services, police had responded to domestic violence calls there in the past. The judge has ordered a psychological evaluation.

Under Arizona law, children as young as eight can be charged with crimes. Even though the town’s police chief understands that an eight-year-old does not “just decide that he’s going to shoot his father and shoot his father’s friend for no reason,” police are pushing to have the boy tried as an adult.

To me, the fact that the boy immediately alerted neighbors of the deaths indicates that he lacked the moral reasoning necessary to understand the emotional complexity and consequences of his acts. No one, no matter how young, should be excused for committing murder, but I will be heartbroken if this boy, well before his mental capacities are fully formed, faces murder charges as an adult.

As a defense attorney uninvolved in the case commented, “[S]ociety has to make a decision as to whether they want to start using the criminal justice system to deal with 8-year-olds. That doesn't mean you don't have a troubled kid."

Photo: AP

Boy Grows a Second Skeleton

Cole Gamble — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 15:00:00 GMT

What sounds like a pretty cool X-Men ability is unfortunately a debilitating disease for 4-year-old Shane Terry. The boy was born with the genetic condition fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, or FOP. FOP causes ones muscles and connective tissue to ossify if damaged. In other words, they turn to bone.

This means outdoor play, running or any other physical activity common to young boys and girls are ripe with terrible consequences for Shane. Shane’s mom, Kimberly Hayes, must keep him indoors most of the time; one fall could cause a movement-inhibiting ossification. When a flare up does occur, it looks like a massive tumor on the small boy. In time the protrusions deflates, but the damage is done.

According to the International Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva Association, FOP is one of the rarest, most disabling genetic conditions, with more than 600 confirmed cases across the globe. At present, the disease has no cure.

My wife and I went through a health scare with our own daughter. During a routine 9-month checkup, the doc did some measurements on Jillian’s body and then casually suggested that the girl might have Marfan’s syndrome. A rare condition, Marfan’s is a heart defect that spells out a short life for those afflicted with it.

As you can imagine, my wife and I were twisted into knots for the next wait as we waited to see a geneticist and get a final judgment. Upon visiting the genetic doctor, we were dismissed by her right away. “No way does this kid have Marfan’s.” She barely had to look at our child. I wanted to punch our pediatrician’s head off like a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot for the cavalier attitude he took in assigning a deadly disorder to our daughter.

That week we spent in limbo might be what day to day life is like for those who parent a legitimately afflicted child. We have all had health scares with our children, so we all have a sliver of an idea of what it’s like to have a heartbreaking love for a kid you can’t bear to see suffer. I’m not really going much further with this; it’s just one of those things that remind you how lucky you are to have a healthy child.

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Couple Asks Internet to Name their Baby

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Jason and Ann Morrison have far more faith in their fellow humans than I do. The couple is expecting a baby and have turned to an unlikely group of people to decide the name of their first child: complete strangers. Jason is a Google engineer who has set up an online poll with 17 name choices—plus, and here’s where it gets scary, a write-in option.

The Morrisons are aware of the margin of error inherent in this naming technique. As Jason writes on his blog, “This is a difficult decision that will have a huge impact on the life of an innocent human being. Naturally, we are turning to random Internet strangers for help.” So far, more than 4,500 random Internet strangers have opted to weigh in. (If you want to join the unknown, opinionated masses, vote here.)

Let’s hope these random strangers have a bit more discriminating tastes than the 150,000 people who voted to name a baby whale on the Greenpeace site last year. The winner, by an overwhelming margin, was Mister Splashy Pants.

Photo: The Sydney Morning Herald

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Whit Honea — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 20:00:00 GMT

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Child Alerts Family to Fire Danger

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 01:01:00 GMT

Thanks in part to a young child, 22 people were safely evacuated from a burning apartment building.

In Clarkston, Georgia, a fire started around 1:30 a.m. in the kitchen of one unit in the building. A young boy woke up when he smelled smoke. He immediately woke up his family, who rushed out of the building along with their neighbors. None of the building’s occupants was hurt.

This is similar to a recent event in Arizona, in which a nine-year-old and a seven-year-old saved their family from a house fire after they smelled smoke and heard popping noises. Their parents said that they, too, had heard the noises, but thought nothing of them and had gone back to sleep. But the kids got out of bed, noticed smoke in the living room, and immediately woke up their parents, who were able to put out the fire before it caused much damage.

Go kids! It seems their heightened awareness to any and all changes to their environment has some very important advantages.

Photo: Flickr

7 Ways to Make Your Baby to Sleep Tonight

Cole Gamble — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:00:00 GMT

For the first year and a half of his life, your little boy may have gone down with a bottle at a regular time every night. Oh how blessed those days were. But then one day a switch flipped in that slumbering angel and now the little man won’t sleep at all. It’s midnight and Johnny Wired is bounding through the house and yelling like he’s just realized his rushing for frat. By now, you’ve learned when baby don’t sleep, you don’t sleep. And when you don’t sleep, the earth stands still; zombies rise and walk the earth (and by zombies, we mean you). If you're going to survive you need to come up with a plan. You need to lay some strategery on that kid’s butt. Here are some tactics you can employ.

1) Wear them out during the day. Take them to the park. Run them hard.

2) Shorten or cut out the nap. Wait, you’re kid isn’t sleeping at night and you are still giving them a nap? Are you nuts?!

3) Stick to the rules. If you say “only one story and then bed,” it better only be one story. Or else you’ll spend countless hours every night bargaining.

4) Set up a consistent routine. For instance, do bath, teeth, story, bed. Do it the same way every night and they will learn to wind down with the routine.

5) Create a soothing environment. If you make your kid sleep on top of a running washing machine, now is the time to rethink that strategy.

6) Stay as close as he needs you to. Some children are happy to go to sleep after a quick goodnight kiss, while others prefer to snuggle, hold hands or go to sleep with an adult in a nearby chair. This will change as your child grows and becomes more self-confident, so don't worry ' you won't have to rock your teenager to sleep.

7) Let them know you’ll be there. Sometimes the root of the problem is nightmares or fear of the dark. Assure where you will be, install a nightlight and general remove the fear factor.

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Help for the Hardest Parenting Nightmare Imaginable

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:33:00 GMT

We're usually pretty big on the bad news around here, what with the news wires crammed with one tragedy or another on a daily basis. But this one, while tragic, thankfully has a silver lining -- and there's something you can do to make it even better.

Whit from Famecrawler wrote up an elegant tribute to Joseph Salmon, a 3-year-old who died of a form of pneumonia. (Gloomy start, I know. It gets better. Trust me.) It turns out his parents and friends are now organizing a charity hike and have formed a charitable organization to help other families pay for funeral expenses after the loss of a child.

As the charitable trust says, the loss of a child is hard enough -- "to have to worry about financial matters is an added burden."

Please check it out. As Whit says, times are tough. But this one is worthwhile.

Father Forced to Chose Which Child to Save

Cole Gamble — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:00:00 GMT

There are some “what if's” that, as a parent, you cringe to even say aloud, let alone ponder. One of the most prevalent is the old “what if both your children were about to die and you could only save one?” The rest of us have the luxury of pushing that horrid thought out of mind. This father had to make the choice for real.

Ian Clayton was on a canoing trip with his eight-year-old twins when their boat capsized in fast current. Clayton's son has quickly pulled downstream, while is daughter was somewhere under the water. Clayton was faced with two options, stay and look for his girl or stop his son from being carried away. Despite his son's protests of “save my sister first,” Clayton went for the boy and successful pulled him to land. Unfortunately it was too late for Clayton's daughter.

Often in parenting it is not the choices we make, but living with the choices we didn't. There is no more extreme example of that fact than this. At least Clayton had the fortitude to take decisive action in the moment, though it will haunt him forever. I think some of us might hesitate, unable to make a horrible decision, and have to live with even more disastrous consequences.

Wha? School Starts Sex Abuse Investigation Based on Psychic's Tip

Kelly Mills — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 16:02:00 GMT

File this one under, "If it happened to me, my rage would know no bounds." Colleen Leduc has an eleven-year-old daughter, Victoria, who is autistic. Last month, shortly after she picked up her daughter from school, she got a call from the teacher saying she should come to the school immediately for an urgent matter. When she arrived for the meeting with the teacher, principal, and vice-principal, the teacher told her an educational aide in the classroom had been to see a psychic over the weekend, and that the psychic said a little girl with the initial "V" was being sexually abused by a man in his twenties.

Ridiculous, no? Well, by the time the meeting took place, the school HAD ACTUALLY REPORTED IT to Children's Aid Services, opening an investigation. Oh, and they gave Colleen a list of behaviors Victoria was exhibiting--like gyrating on staff members--and said that while these behaviors were consistent with autism, they were part of the report. When Colleeen asked if other autistic kids in the calss did these things, she was told yes, but none of those kids were reported because there was no psychic tip.

Fortunately the CAS worker on the case closed it immediately, so hopefully no more fall-out. But it sure is an example of how "zero tolerance" towards even a hint of abuse can veer into the profoundly idiotic in the wrong hands. I sure hope Colleen gets an apology from the school very, very soon. I might be tempted to tell them, "A psychic told me to bitch-slap you."

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Needle Camps

Adrienne Martini — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:30:00 GMT

When one polarizing parenting debate dies down, there is always another to take its place. It's like Whack-a-Mole, only less fun. This week's mole is vaccines.

If you want to start a fight, walk into any group of mothers and say, "Vaccines cause autism" or "Vaccines are a social good." Then walk out, just so you don't get hit by the flying fur.

Which is why this completely sensible take on vaccines by Sari Weston in Brain, Child will tick off just about everyone who insists on believing that this is a binary argument. Weston looks at pros and cons -- pointing out along the way that it is almost impossible to evaluate the information because there is so much bias -- and comes to a difficult-to -disagree-with conclusion.

Still, folks have found plenty to disagree with. Judging by the comments Weston's received, this mole keeps popping up, no matter how many times you thwack it.

Image credit: Brain, Child Magazine

Counseling Over Transgendered Third Grader

Kelly Mills — Tue, 13 May 2008 22:35:00 GMT

When a third-grade boy in Pennsylvania decided to transition to being female, his parents asked the school for assistance with peer acceptance. The school consulted with experts on transgender children and asked a school counselor to hold sessions with 100 third graders to explain why their classmate would be taking a different name and wearing female clothing. The idea was to help the kids with acceptance and to prevent them from saying mean things.

So what's the kerfuffle? I bet you can guess. The school sent letters to parents the day before the sessions informing them of what would be happening. And clearly the parents need the counseling more, because while both the guidence counselor and the mom of one of the boy's friends say the kids are pretty cool with the whole thing, the adults are irate. One wrote an interesting and critical commentary of the school, saying, "Introduction of sexual abuse prevention programs over the years should have taught these educators that most parents like to have a say in all aspects of their children's sexual education--particularly one that could be controversial." Is this sexual education? I guess it is in one biological sense of the word 'sex', but it seems to me it's more about diversity, communication, basic decency, and not being an asshole just because your parents are. Then again, I live in California, which the author of the commentary seems to think is nut-land.

Weekly Check-Up: Natural Birth Like the Dutch

Kelly Mills — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:29:00 GMT

There's an interesting report on the Dutch tradition of giving birth from the perspective of a Reuters reporter. Basically, the Dutch believe birth optimally happens at home (30 percent of births happen this way, compared to a tiny fraction in the U.S.,) no pain medication is necessary, and that labor pains are part of the way the mother bonds with the baby. (If so, I ought to be practically fused to my child.) The bottom line is that birth is not seen as a medicalized process. Oh, and get this: A maternity nurse takes care of the family at home for a week and does cooking, cleaning, and infant care. Sign me up for that part!

While I've never been a convert to the notion of natural birth as essential--at least, not since the epidural became my BFF--I will freely admit that the Dutch system makes the whole thing sound kinda nice. However, it does sound like some feel that pain relief should be more readily available to moms in labor. As it stands now, there's no guarentee an anesthesiologist will be available, since it isn't seen as necessary. However, even those who want more options for women say it would be a shame to lose the Dutch perspective and practices in labor and delivery. But this is nice from an ob-gyn professor: "Giving birth at home, a unique Dutch tradition, should not be a goal in itself. What really matters is a good result of the pregnancy for mother and child." You said it.

Friends Think Depressed Surrogate Mom to 8 is Crazy

Madeline Holler — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 15:35:00 GMT

There are a couple of things going on in this story of a surrogate mom that are just, nicely put, very interesting. First, she is trying to get pregnant for the eighth time on behalf of someone other than herself. Wow, eight pregnancies is a lot of babies for any woman to bear. (Please don't confuse her with the surrogate mother to 12. Twelve!)

The other thing is that this mom who has made a second career as a baby-haver is 43 years old and things are getting tough and she's starting to get depressed. She wanted to bear a sibling for the little girl, Isobel, whom she gave birth to in 2006, but nine weeks in to that pregnancy -- her egg and the 51-year-old father's sperm -- she miscarried. Her family is starting to worry.

But the most striking thing for me is that this woman is not a mother. She has no children of her own!

Here's what she says about surrogacy:

"I really love being pregnant and my body is very good at it," she said. "I am very proficient at giving birth. But I still don't want children of my own, not in the slightest.

"A lot of people won't understand how I feel - but everyone's different. After seeing how happy Isobel and her parents are, I really wanted to provide them with another child so they can complete their family.

"Her parents have become my friends and I see this pregnancy as helping friends out. But this one is definitely my last. I can't keep on going for ever."

What now?

Photo: Daily Mail

You Scream, I Scream for Adult Ice Cream

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 14:05:00 GMT

There's something whimsical about the ice cream truck. It toddles around, singing, shouting, keeping kids tangled in childhood and bringing adults back to it. But who needs a Tweety Bird pop at 30? Thankfully, Gourmet magazine is adult-sizing summertime treats.

And let's face it, if your children's ice cream truck handed out these delicious treats, you'd no doubt push the neighborhood kids out of the way to be first in line. (As if some of you don't already.)

Apple-celery granitas. Chocolate-covered mint ice cream terrine. Peach praline semifreddo with amaretti. I am loving summer all over again.

Your Children Suck at Riting

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 14:06:00 GMT

Young children are great at swinging. They're really good at playing tag. A few might be good at math. But man, they suck at writing. And history, apparently. I mean, come on! Kids these days have really got to pull it together, buckle down and hit the books.

Case in point ... these essays written by kids. Here's an example:

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

That's a really poor deconstruction of the work of history's greatest artists.

And then there's this:

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

And my personal favorite:

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Read for yourself -- it only gets worse.

But you know who I feel sorry for? Not the kids. Not the sorry state of our educational system. Not the future we all must inherit. The teachers. I can only imagine the poor, weary teachers sitting at metal desks and pounding their fists in anger, their bellies rolling with obvious frustration and their heads tilted back while they bellow loudly and uncontrollably until they have to pee. That's what I did. I have a feeling that when you read these essays, you might just do the same.

Robot Toddler: Why?

Kelly Mills — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 11:30:00 GMT

Japanese scientists have combined artificial intelligence and robotics to make a robot toddler. The pasty robot kid has 56 pneumatic muscles, so it moves relatively naturally, and it also has 197 tactile sensors that allow it to react to touch. It has natural reactions to sounds and other stimuli. Its robot eyes are cameras, and it squirms and wiggles like a baby. So as you can imagine, it is really effin' creepy. It is called CB2, for "Child-robot with Biomimetic Body," which was coincidentally our second choice baby name. The researchers are "committing a lot of their time in order to teach it how to walk or talk, and also to raise its intelligence to the level of a 3-year old." Bad idea. Life gets much harder when kids can walk, and for god's sake, age three is trouble squared.

Part of me is very impressed with the technological advances, but the much more dominant part of me says, "Arggghbleugh". Watch the video and you'll see what I mean. Of course, unless the little robot whines and suddenly runs into the street without warning, he'll never pass as a real toddler. But why make a robot kid? It's not like kids are all that hard to come by, and frankly, they are often a pain in the AI. This one is just a big, doughy, weird baby that will now visit me in my nightmares. If I were a scientist, I'd make a robot Johnny Depp, and teach him to do my bidding. Or at the very least, a robot who could make me a nice latte and give me a back rub. My kid still can't even manage that much.

Parent's Job: To Keep Watch

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Wed, 30 May 2007 19:49:00 GMT

It doesn't take more than about 30 seconds as a parent to realize that those new thrills and chills you feel up and down your spine are as related to fear and terror for your wee baby's safety as they are to love. And it takes less than 3 minutes watching and/or listening to the news to clutch your kids tighter, and lock your doors, which I suppose is part of the point.

So the fact that Sharon Randall is stating that the first job of good parents is keeping watch, is both overly simplistic and elegantly accurate.

"Watching children is not a job for the faint of heart. It requires constant vigilance. If you blink, they run in the street. If you answer the phone, they juggle knives."

She ends her reflections about her son with "I wonder what the boy will do next" and you know? If that's not the crux of parenting, I don't know what is. We stand by, watch over, wait and wonder what they'll do next. And we are lucky and blessed to be so appointed.

Parents Are the Biggest. Dorks. Ever. And We Love Every Minute of It

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 19:08:00 GMT

I danced in a grocery store Friday afternoon. And played air guitar. I may or may not have made facial expressions that may or may not have been mistaken for an "O Face." I was too excited to tell. But I definitely uncurled my thumbs and kicked my legs out like Elaine Benes. It was a sad, disturbing display of rhythmic paralysis that could only mean one thing: I'm a parent. And I'm a dork.

USC Daily Trojan columnist Jean Guerrero says such displays of I'll-never-grow-up-Peter-Panisms may just be the cure-all for societal ills. Skip if you want to. Sing if you must. Screw social conventions. Just do it.

I remember the social angst of high school and college. Even throughout my twenties I tried my best to fit in and, sadly, did. But once I had a child, it was like my Dork Flag unfurled itself and started waving in the breeze. I dance in stores. I sing on the sidewalk. I skip daily. Emmeline loves to dance and shake her arms about, so I jump on any chance to see her boogie, such as our Friday afternoon display of disco air guitar.

Proudly wearing a Dork Merit Badge might seem like a big leap for the younger set, as evidenced by the column's call to dork arms. But isn't that what parents do all the time? Isn't that why we're here?