Strollerderby : Rachael Brownell

Resort of the Year: Home for Wayward Mothers

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Wed, 21 May 2008 21:57:00 GMT

Our very own Redsy recently quit her day job, packed her bags and jumped headfirst into the lucrative vacation development business. And boy, are you going to love it.

The Home for Wayward Mothers, as she notes over at Imperfect Parent, is for, well, I would bet a lot of people.

"Perhaps you’re simply down about childrearing… Babies are cute, you reckon, but who knew they’d stick around for so long?? Or maybe your partner’s idea of foreplay is asking what’s for dinner and then grabbing your ass?" (Editor's mental note: This is apparently wrong somehow. Must investigate.)

Perched on an idyllic spit somewhere along the oceanfront border between Kansas and Colorado, the Home for Wayward Mothers sounds like a welcome reprieve for anyone caught up the cycle of being the perfect parent or the perfect spouse. Because really, nothing says relaxation like this offered treat in which people "will validate each and every one of your concerns with statements such as “I can’t believe you’ve put up with this for so long!” and “It makes perfect sense that you feel this way!”" That's almost better than a 90-minute massage!

I can only guess that Reds left out fathers because we're already perfect. Still, this is a can't miss destination for stressed out moms. Who love traffic cop fantasies. (Oh, just go see for yourself.)

Dadergency Beats Mom"ergency" Any Day

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Thu, 24 May 2007 16:01:00 GMT

The concept behind the "Momergency Kit" is simple: If you're out and about, and the kids are freaking out, here's dice! Dice? Anything that can be cured with dice is not an emergency. (Unless you're in Vegas and that "sure thing" you were banking on ... never mind.)

Rachael just added a few of her favorite things to the kit for her own emergencies -- a flask, lube and a stuffed giraffe -- and despite the awesomeness of the images floating around my head, I don't think she went far enough.

So here's what's in the Dadergency Kit -- everthing Rachael mentioned (except the stuffed giraffe, because that's just weird. Even for me.), along with a stun gun, a six pack, a nanny, babysitter, a recliner and a 64-inch high definition TV.

Because really, if the kids are freaking out and you're at your wits end, are you really going to reach for dice? Please. With the Dadergency Kit, you just need to open the nanny pocket and then enjoy your favorite show.

Get Some Much-Needed Rugrat Reprieve with Rachael Brownell

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Wed, 16 May 2007 22:07:00 GMT

I'm all about having a girlfriend tell me what to do, as in: Take those ass-fatifying pants off immediately and put the good ass jeans back on even if they do have yogurt spilled down the front! and Forget diapers already! Just buy the effing shoes., and of course, Go ahead and mack with the hot Brazilian guy who bought you drinks at the bar. You're not getting married for four whole days, sister! (Kidding, kidding). I especially love it when my girlfriends remind me to do things that are good for me when I forget how critical it is that I nurture people over three feet tall, especially that I invest a little of that healing energy in myself.

That's why I'm loving Rugrat Reprieve, a new column featured on Imperfect Parent, by Strollerderby's own CrankMama. CrankMama, known as Rachael Brownell in other corners of the blogo, is that girlfriend who not only gets the many stages of Mommy Stress but has real, practical, enticing ways to let go of it for a few minutes, an afternoon or even a blessed, blessed weekend away.

She's insightful, she's freaking hilarious and best of all, she's on our side. You go on, with yer bubble-bathing, Dave Barry-reading, sessy heel-sporting, girflriending self, CrankMama! We'll be right over.

Strollerderby Finishline: Boobs, mmmm That's Good Eatin'

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 12 May 2007 13:24:00 GMT

Puritans unite! Maggie Gyllenhaal has boobs. And you're not going to believe this -- are you ready? She uses them to feed. her. children. Next she'll want to push a kid out of her lady business, or perform some other wholly unnatural act. Crazy Hollywood liberals ...

In case you missed it, that's what's been happening in the SD this week. Boobs. Sarah's post about a paparazzi snapshot of the starlet's lunchtime activities uncorked a debate that's, well, absurd. Of course she should cover up! With her kid's hungry mouth. Wherever they friggin please. (Yes, I'm biased, but so what?)

Or, as Alisyn said in covering the ensuing debate -- suck it, haters!

Of course, things eventually returned to normal, and the SD continued to do what it does best: Rock. (Due in no small part to the latest Hitting the Bottle: Jessica's Big Boy Panties.)

Stefania uncovered one-of-a-kind Mother's Day gifts that will look nice forever -- even if your kid winds up at Rocco's School O' Beauty or begging for change on the street. (That said, I can eat $3,000 worth of chocolate.)

Karen not only coined a new word -- singletudinousness -- she also offered an insightful, personal take on why single parents can do it better. One of this week's must-reads.

Pierre is back this week! And he brings a new and justified fascination with Samuel Jackson. Forget Alec Baldwin, I'd love to hear the messages SJ leaves for his daughter.

Kelly is probably the only person ever who has made me laugh out loud using "child labor" as a punchline. And then she got past the "romance" of attachment parenting and said hippies smell.

Patti missed a great opportunity to snark on the 17-strong Duggar family -- opting for wisdom, foresight and grace instead. And the picture's gonna make you snort Coke out of your nose. (No, Kelly, soda!)

Rachael discovered that a guy wearing a pregnancy suit tastes like chicken. But I think she got it right the first time: Cree-py.

As for me, I'm still crying in my beer over this. I'm not sure I can take Tuesdays without the "Gilmore Girls."

Strollerderby Finishline: Placenta Eating Mimes Dine Out With Chris and Courtney

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 21:17:00 GMT

That headline? That sums up our week. When we weren't knee-deep in placenta juice (mmmmm), we were kicking kids out of restaurants, wondering why new moms are so damn selfish and getting an odd feeling that celebrities aren't using "yoga" to shed pregnancy pounds so much as having their stomachs nipped and tucked. Oh yeah, and there's mimes.

Our week begins not only with the thought of Ricki Lake naked, but also with the sad, sorry plight of her assistant, whose job it was to clean out the "placenta juice" from the home-birth bath tub. I can't thank you enough for such wonderful imagery Stefania ....

Chris Rock has long advised dads to keep their daughters off the pole -- the stripper pole. Jessica wants to know what advice Rock has for dads of boys -- considering he may just be one. And while he's at it, why not just form a playgroup for all the celebrity dads using DNA to confirm their progeny?

New SD streetwalker, er, I mean blogger Kelly Mills (oh just go look at her bio, silly) thinks yoga is code for "gastric bypass." But at least Courtney Love is thin again, and really, what else matters?

And then there's the ever-popular debate about kids in restaurants. Crank Mama Rachael finally admitted it. You know all those people who are "for the children?" She ain't one of them. At least when it comes to toting tots to fancy restaurants or mommy's day spa. Nothing brings out the smiles like the topic of kids and white table cloths. Oh, and this is pretty funny, too.

Alisyn wonders whether she's too much of a Puritan and also whether 9 is too young to go strapless -- while parents, just like her, wonder why the hell Teri Hatcher has any pull at the White House anyway.

Patti is afraid of mimes and is probably still under her covers with a trusty baseball bat. Sound freakish? Just watch these guys and you'll understand. They've got nothing on "Pigs in Space."

Karen offers some sage advice for playground safety. Kids with beards? Yeah, it's time to go home.

Melissa uncovers Rosy the Riveter's private stash. Of art. Created by her kids. While Rosy was busy, ya know, building big-ass World War II battleships. Definitely worth a look.

Sarah takes on TomKat, advising newly 1-year-old Suri to come to her senses, get on her feet and run, Forrest, run! OK, maybe that's just me. Still, it's good advice. As Sarah says, her parentals are freakshows.

And I admitted something you've known all along. I'm a dork. And, oddly, quite proud of it.

Finally, I'm not exactly sure which evil genius here at Babble thought up the idea of our best. feature. ever. -- "Hitting the Bottle" -- but hats off, my friend. Followed by my shoes, my socks, my pants, shirt, underwear, watch, sock garters (what?) after just a few of the "Free Babysitters," Gin and Tequila? I just hope the babysitter's easy, too.

Finish Line: Your Strollerderby Recap for the Week of February 18, 2007

JasonAvant — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 19:04:00 GMT

Welcome to this, the first installment of our weekly roundup of Strollerderby's best. Realizing that "best" is relative (example: I believe that Zooropa is U2's best album), here are some highlights from this past week.

Sarah and Rachael both sparked some coversations with a couple of posts. Sarah, after reading a piece by Two Okapi's Daddy, posed the question, "what's the most surprising part of parenthood"? (The correct answer, by the way, is "42".) Rachael, after visiting the sorta NSFW site MILPHWorld, mused over the whole MILF concept. I've yet to form an opinion, and will need to spend a few more hours on the site in order to formulate my hypothesis. Research, you know.

Of course, this week was all about Britney and Anna Nicole. Karen discusses K-Fed's merits as a father; Stefania muses on newly-bald Brit and her short stint in rehab; Alisyn takes us back to the K-Fed front, then checks up on Britney, who's back in rehab; and then we learn from Mike that Anna Nicole reached out to Britney, which would've been like getting these two back together, and tossing 'em a big bag full of ketamine.

In other news, Jay put the spotlight on a piece in The Stranger about the difficulties faced by parents who lead alternative lifestyles, I put the spotlight on a piece about the difficulties faced by a high school student who wrote a column advocating tolerance of alternative lifestyles, and Stefania and Karen put the spotlight on Brangelinajopittlie putting the spotlight on themselves, and Madonna putting the spotlight on herself. Also, Alisyn says, for those of you that were wondering, yes, Donald Trump is still an ass.

On the health care front: Karen passed along some interesting info - prenatal vitamins may help prevent cancer in babies. Jay looked at the potential effects that pregnancy hormones may have on MS, and Mike pointed out that WMD's and my old Battle of The Planets lunchbox have something in common - our government bullshat the public about both. Patti pointed us to an article about a Fresno County nutritionist who uses a ground-breaking new approach to teaching kids about healthy food. Pierre says TV? Not so good; Patti says Wii? Not so bad.

Finally, Sarah used the word "scrotum" in a piece about a Newberry Award-winning book that's been banned from many schools because it contains the word "scrotum". We here at Strollerderby apologize to all of you who were struck blind upon reading the word "scrotum".