Strollerderby : Darth Vader

10 Naughty Things We Do to Our Kids (but keep doing anyway)

Cole Gamble — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 12:00:00 GMT

Let’s face it; if you were to put secret surveillance on them 24/7, any parent would look like a putz. There are things that we do with our kids, when others aren’t about or are out of ear shot, that we maybe feel bad about. But not bad enough to stop doing.

#10: Laughing when your daughter farts.

#9: In a moment of weakness, grousing about one child to the other.

Your Four-year-old: Why does Dalton (the toddler) get to stay up?

You: Because he’s crazy and I’m tired of fighting him. He’s being a butthead.

YFYO: Yeah, he’s got a stinky head.

#8: When they get way too many Easter baskets from relatives, hiding one and keeping the candy contents to yourself.

#7: Making your spouse the bad guy. “Mommy wouldn’t like it if she saw what you’re doing.”

#6: Keeping your kid downstairs on a perpetual loop of Sesame Street because you want a beer/glass of wine.

#5: Forget to brush their teeth.

#4: The next night encouraging them to brush by telling them their breath smells like “dog food.”

#3: Let your kid, freshly bathed and wet, prance around the house naked playing her favorite character “Jungle Girl” for way longer than perhaps appropriate.

#2: Not being as diligent as you think you should about your own nudity around the kids.

#1: When you don’t have time to go to the park, telling them the “park is closed.”

What are your dirty parenting secrets?

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Five Forgotten Fictional Fathers

Brett Singer — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:00:00 GMT

OK, "forgotten" is a little strong. But while we are all familiar with Darth, Homer and the rest, here are some other unreal dads that deserve a mention on Father's Day. Not all are great dads; some are pretty damn bad. Most just don't make it onto the usual "best/worst dad" lists. Here you go, on Father's Day, in no particular order:

1. Jock Ewing, "Dallas", played by Jim Davis

OK, maybe it's not in any particular order, but was there ever a tougher TV dad than Jock Ewing? As The Onion's AV Club puts it, "[Jock's] sons Bobby and J.R….have absorbed his good and evil sides, respectively, and are used by their deceptively benign father to consolidate his power." He also had an illegitimate son, Ray Krebbs, who worked on Ewing's Southfork ranch; this wasn't revealed until after Ray had been working there for a couple of years. Which means that Jock hired his own son to work on his ranch but didn't tell him that he was his father. Go ahead. Find me something better than that. Davis' portrayal of Jock was so iconic that when the actor died, he was not replaced; they killed the character and put a portrait of the Ewing patriarch in the family dining room where he could continue to exert his will from beyond the grave. Here's a clip of Jock tossing out ten grand like it was ten cents in order to "purchase" Bobby's wife Pamela (Victoria Principal) from her father, Digger Barnes.

2. "Man", played by Antonio Banderas, in "Four Rooms"

Banderas doesn't get a name in this segment of the largely forgotten hotel comedy. He plays a gangster of some sort who pays off the bellhop (Tim Roth, currently appearing in "The Incredible Hulk") to watch his offspring while he and the missus go out and celebrate New Year's Eve. When he looks at his children and demands, in full Antonio-accented English, "Don't misbehave," you know that they will. Video clip below, not remotely safe for work or family-viewing. (Banderas also gets a nod for Gregorio Cortez in the three "Spy Kids" movies.)

"Four Rooms" Video clip (Not Work-Safe)

3. Mork from Ork, played by Robin Williams

You probably forgot that Mork was a dad. In a desperate attempt to save the weird "Happy Days" spin-off, Jonathan Winters signed on to play Mearth, Mork and Mindy's son. Of course, Orkans are born old and age backwards. It wasn't much funnier than it sounded. Now that I’m a parent myself, I have to say that I don't think I'd want things to work that way. Not that changing diapers is fun, but it's definitely easier to do it when the kid is smaller than you.

4. Wayne Szalinski, "Honey I Shrunk the Kids", played by Rick Moranis

Fathers in movies and television are often portrayed as bumbling fools who fall to pieces in the parenting department as soon as mommy leaves for five minutes. This guy, however, actually manages to shrink his children to microscopic size when left to his own devices. The character was slammed back in 1997 by Dr. Helen Haste of the British Association for the Advancement of Science, who took issue with the way that, " writers and directors employ stereotypes for almost every scientist seen on film and television."

5. Michael Kyle, "My Wife and Kids", played by Damon Wayans

This ABC sitcom ran for five seasons, which is certainly respectable. But it never quite caught on with audiences the way "Everybody Loves Raymond" did. One reason could be that the parents were, at times, intentionally not 100% nice to their children. For example, in the episode "The Grassy Knoll", mom and dad discover that Michael Jr. is stoned. So they decide to mess with his head. (The only clip I could find was in Spanish, so you'll have to just take my word for it that it was funny. Unless, of course, you speak Spanish.) It was a silly show, but there was something very realistic in the way Michael dealt with his son. It wasn't perfect, and it wasn't always behavior you wanted to emulate. But it was usually pretty funny.

Here is a clip from "Junior Gets his License".

There are, of course, many more. Who are your favorites, forgotten or otherwise?

Oh yeah -- happy father's day!

images: Amazon.com, timstvshowcase.com, mrsjrewing.tripod.com, wjzy.com

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10 Awesomely Bad Celebrity Dads

Cole Gamble — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:04:00 GMT

Just in time for Father’s day, I am giving you dads out there the greatest present of all: I’m showing you how good a father you are by showcasing these famous dads who are totally worse.

Pete Doherty

If you are not familiar with this British rocker/cocaine enthusiast, meet Pete Doherty. Pete is known for two things: dating the elder statesman of super models, Kate Moss, and spending more time doing drugs than breathing. I could go on all day about what a stellar father Doherty makes, but why should I when, 1) this photo speaks volumes;

and 2) this quote from Pete himself speaking of the young son he has never seen does the job: “I’ve got two (children). Poor little fu%*er. My sister sees him all the time, so there’s affection as a family for him.” Somebody put that in a greeting card.

Alec Baldwin

I love Alec Baldwin. Actually for a long time I didn’t enjoy Alec Baldwin’s acting because it seemed to me stiff and pompous. Nothing has changed about his acting style, but now that Alec has determined he is a comedic actor, his stiff and pompous act totally works. A far as fatherhood, though, well, let us give a listen to a certain phone call Alec placed to his daughter.

Although I myself do not yet have a teenage daughter, I'll bet many father's get this pissed at their adolsecent kids. Which goes to prove the old adage, the only differnce between a good father and a bad ftaher is a tape recorder.

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson has been laying low for a while. Reeeeeeeal low. That’s good, because this is what he does when he addresses the public.

Michael Lohan

ME: Hey Michael Lohan, father of Lindsey Lohan, I’d like to include you in my article about terrible celebrity dads.”
Michael Lohan: “Alright.”
ME: “Listen, could you submit me a photo?”
ML: “Sure, here’s this.”

ME: “Um, you got anything that doesn’t have you in a wifebeater? Maybe something that doesn’t instantly peg you as a sleaze bag?”
ML: “But Cole, when I'm not in prison for securities fraud, I'm driving drunk. I did a lot of that while Lindsey was growing up and now that I have screwed her up and sent her into a downward spiral, I’m angling to see how much of what’s left of her diminishing fortune I can get my hands on. I am a sleaze bag.”
ME: “Point taken.”

David Hasselhoff

You don’t Hassle the Hoff. Like when he’s lying shirtless on the floor trying to negotiate a particularly wily hamburger. And you don’t tell him he’s got a drinking problem, even if you’re his kid. And you especially don't videotape the whole affair.

Darth Vader

Almost didn’t make this list. Darth did display a lot of bad dad behavior (chopping off your son’s hand usually piques the interest of CPS. Also not knowing you have a daughter is a red flag.) But in the end, you have to give Darth credit, he and Luke did bond in a nice father-son activity (killing the Emporer) and then spent some quality time in the hanger bay before old Darth turned into a ghost. If that’s not as good as playing a little catch with the kid, I don’t know what is.

Rick Hilton

Rick, I don’t know how to say this…do you exist? I have seen plenty of your daughter. Oh lordy, I have seen way too much of your daughter, but not so much of you. What magic spell will it take the cardboard cutout this picture reveals you to be and transform you into a living breathing person who, you know, parents his daughter?

George Foreman

How is George Foreman as a parent? I’m not sure but if you take a look at his kids’ names, you might get an idea of what his sole motivation for becoming a parent in the first place: George Jr., George III, George IV, George V and George VI George Travis Walls.
Why build statues of tribute to yourself when you can just have kids to live in your perpetual, egomanical shadow?

AND NUMBER 1:

Joe Simpson

Oh Joe Simpson, you silly, funny, incredibly creepy man. One might say that as a dad you are “too involved.” But I don’t think so. Is it strange to take semi-erotic publicity photos of your own child, like this one I can't show you because I would have to pay...you guessed it, Joe Simpson?

Is it beyond the pale to make regular references to your daughter’s ample assets? Like this:

“Jessica never tries to be sexy. … She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!"

Oh Joe, you had me at, “You can’t cover those suckers up.” And if you prudes out there think there is something wrong with this manager father and the vested interest he has in the chest of his internationally renowned sexpot daughter, we’ll let said daughter put you at ease. From the mouth of Jessica:

No, I’ve had double D’s for a long time. Are you kidding? No. My family is extremely close. I talk to my mom about my sex life. That’s not something that creeps me out. We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false.

See? It’s not incestuous. It’s “Podunk southern.” Totally different.

To be fair, Joe's interest in his daughter's body is purely business. As her manager, Joe knows a great deal of Jessica's success is due to her body and that her body is, in fact, a product to be packaged and sold. Just like a pimp does.

Runners Up:
Tom Cruise – Sorry you didn’t make the main list. Hard to tell how bad a dad you are when no one sees your kid.
Woody Allen: Married his adopted daughter. ‘Nuff said.

And for some better celb dads, check out the 50 Coolest Celebrity Dads.

Last minute Father's Day gift idea

Brett Singer — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 18:00:00 GMT

CityMama has a Father's Day Gift Guide. It's only one item, but it's a goooood item.

That's right: it's a lightsaber. Specifically the Luke Skywalker Force FX Lightsaber. You can also buy the Darth Vader model. In fact, buy both and then you can have a battle!

What? What's that, you say? This is a... a child's toy? Well, first of all, how many toys cost $89.75? (The Vader version is $98.98. So evil does costs more.) And besides, the age range says "8 and up." That's right. And up. Which means older than 8. So there. ("Older" in years, if not in maturity.)

Plus, it's not just a gift for dad. As one Amazon commenter says, "I even let my children play with it." It's fun for the whole family!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go purchase my tickets for the new Hulk movie.

image: Amazon.com

The Best 'Star Wars' Video You Will Ever See

Brett Singer — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:30:00 GMT

High praise indeed, but check out the video below and see if you don't agree. "A touching moment between father and son."

Press play, and wait for it. You will not regret it.

Darth Vader feels blue

image: StarWars.com