Strollerderby

5 Things You Swore You'd Never Say to Your Kids

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 13 May 2008 23:02:00 GMT

Before we become parents, it is easy to think of all the things we'll never do or say to our kids. Ever.

Well, nothing like real-life to make certain phrases come tumbling out of our far-from-perfect mouths. Here are 5 choice parenting statements we might wish we'll never say, but often do:

1. When I was your age... fill in the blank here (I walked 3 miles in the snow, I watched black and white television, I had to empty the dishwasher)

2. You don't know how easy you have it ... related to the above statement and variations on "You are so ungrateful!"

3. I can't believe you're acting like this... clearly a cry for help among desperate parents everywhere. This statement is so ineffectual it makes you want to curl up with the poor tired parent and offer them a quilt-cuddle. We've all had days when the kids are acting out and nothing, nothing, makes them shape up.

4. Do you want Mommy to go to a home??... Ok this isn't really something my Mom ever said to me, but it's something I say to my kids. It's horrid and threatening and doesn't even work. But the concept of an institutional respite for tired mommies makes me smile. And a smiling mommy is often a much kinder, gentler mommy.

5. Now look what you did... This is the height of blame and passive aggression and yet, we often find ourselves saying it. While there's no crying over spilled milk, a toddler dumping a glass of kool-aid on white carpet, is definitely worthy of a good weep. The kids can't usually help all the spilling and messing and generally chaotic wrecking when they're young... but sometimes understanding this doesn't help. Not one bit.

Parents are imperfect, if websites are to be believed, and the best we can muster sometimes is to laugh at our own Very Serious Proclamations.

Counseling Over Transgendered Third Grader

Kelly Mills — Tue, 13 May 2008 22:35:00 GMT

When a third-grade boy in Pennsylvania decided to transition to being female, his parents asked the school for assistance with peer acceptance. The school consulted with experts on transgender children and asked a school counselor to hold sessions with 100 third graders to explain why their classmate would be taking a different name and wearing female clothing. The idea was to help the kids with acceptance and to prevent them from saying mean things.

So what's the kerfuffle? I bet you can guess. The school sent letters to parents the day before the sessions informing them of what would be happening. And clearly the parents need the counseling more, because while both the guidence counselor and the mom of one of the boy's friends say the kids are pretty cool with the whole thing, the adults are irate. One wrote an interesting and critical commentary of the school, saying, "Introduction of sexual abuse prevention programs over the years should have taught these educators that most parents like to have a say in all aspects of their children's sexual education--particularly one that could be controversial." Is this sexual education? I guess it is in one biological sense of the word 'sex', but it seems to me it's more about diversity, communication, basic decency, and not being an asshole just because your parents are. Then again, I live in California, which the author of the commentary seems to think is nut-land.

Budget Baby: Making Saving a Habit

AmyinMotown — Tue, 13 May 2008 22:05:00 GMT

We all know we should start saving –recession looms, possible layoffs, plus living paycheck to paycheck just sucks.

But unfortunately, so does saving. It's such a drag, especially when we live in such a rabidly consumer culture. We're encouraged to define ourselves by possessions and you can’t pick up a magazine, turn on the TV or even surf the web without product come-ons.

Now, I wouldn’t have a job if that were not the case –somebody has to finance the sparkling prose you read here on the 'Derby, for one – but defining ourselves through our stuff isn’t making anybody any happier and means we're going to have a lot of peers suffering through retirement with $200 diaper bags they can't trade in for prescriptions.

As this Wall Street Journal column (which I found via Consumerist) says, many of us are reining in our spending what with gas prices (I paid $3.95 a gallon this morning, yikes) and rising grocery costs. But retailers are soon going to be offering "recession deals," if they aren’t already which may prove irrestible and continue to get us in financial trouble if we don't learn to shut off the little voice whispering "more stuff" and accept some discomfort now for a more comfortable future.

There's no fix but to redefine what makes us happy.

The first suggestion is the best –spend less time feeing poor. Stay out of the mall and quit perusing catalogs or their online equivalents. I also like that they counsel weighing splurges versus cutting them out entirely.The others are good too, and mostly revolve around replacing consumer activities with more emotionally satisfying, no-cost things.

That's advice we can all use, whether we're hurting financially or not.

Let's Talk About Hooking Up

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:26:00 GMT

Ever wondered why your kids snicker when you ask if they’re going to “hook up” with a friend later? Or what exactly your daughter’s friend meant when she said, “Oh, he’s not my boyfriend; we’re just hooking up”? Well, thanks to a couple of intrepid TV anchors in New Mexico and the miracles of the World Wide Web, you no longer have to wonder.

Although this video shouldn’t be earth-shattering viewing for any parent who pays even a little bit of attention to his teen’s life, it does raise some interesting questions. For instance, does the casualness of sexual encounters have a hidden emotional cost, especially for girls? Or is the fact that girls are sometimes as sexually aggressive and emotionally unavailable as boys a sign of female empowerment?

I just have to issue a disclaimer that I am NOT in support of the anchor’s advice to read your kids’ emails and text messages. I’m pretty sure that such violations of privacy do not help nurture the trust necessary to get your kids to talk to you openly about sex. Then again, I’m not the parent of a teenager. Have any of you ever found it necessary to violate your children’s privacy?

Photo: MSNBC

Political Nanny Cam: The Song of Superdelegates

Madeline Holler — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Schoolhouse Rock taught you about a bill up on Capital Hill. And also conjunctions, interjections, the Preamble, and the figure 8. Riffing on the old school rhymes, White House Rocks teaches you more than you even thought you'd like to know about Superdelegates.

Here's Political Nanny's question: in the end, will Superdelegates even matter?

Video: White House Rocks

Boy saves friend using Heimlich maneuver

Brett Singer — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Remember the Heimlich? Remember the posters that were up in your lunchroom? I don't think they are anymore, but some kids are still aware of the life-saving technique.

Ryan Lim, a 10-year-old boy from Boca Raton, Florida, dislodged a piece of carrot from classmate Maranda Parliament's throat in the lunchroom at Del Prado Community Elementary School. Lim said, "I was, like, hearing her coughing, and she didn't feel so well, so I turned around when I heard the coughing because she was choking." (I love how they quote him so, like, exactly, y'know?)

Lim said that he heard about the Heimlich maneuver on television.

While this is, of course, a nice story with a happy ending, it got me a little bummed out that the classic poster isn't hanging up in schools anymore. I myself had the Heimlich used on me in 2nd grade; a friend of mine heard me cough, saw the Heimlich poster and leapt into action. I wasn't choking as it turned out, but if I had been, believe me, I would have been grateful.

Asked about a reward, Lim said, "The best thing is to do good deeds. That's really the reward." That's true, but somebody should take this kid to a baseball game or something. He deserves it.

image: umich.edu

'Ira Sleeps Over' and Other 70's Faves

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:01:00 GMT

The best part about reading children's books from the 70s is how authors manage to sneak in messages about girls' lib, divorce, and alternative lifestyles amid a sea of harvest gold and avocado green. And if you've never appreciated the lovely comforts of a shag-rug nap, while contemplating your parents' EST circle, then I venture you're probably not yet looking up the nosehairs at 40, you sly boots, nor have you likely heard of children's books like "Ira Sleeps Over," about a boy who goes for a slumber party and finally admits to still needing his teddy bear for a good night sleep.

Children's books in the 70s weren't just about girl firefighters and boy ballerinas, though. They brought us grand vistas and adventures far greater than career choices and "Billy has Two Mommies":

Harriet the Spy - She's a girl. She's a spy. I can't fathom a more wonderful adventure for an 8-year old than imagining her explorations on a secret dumbwaiter.

Are You There God? It's Me Margaret? - Judy Blume taught us so much about puberty, sex, and other blushful things in the 70s, but this book is the best of the best.

Free to Be You and Me - "There's a land that I see, where the children are free..." Less book than manifesto/cultural zeitgeist, FtBYaM defined a generation of free kids, playing records while sitting on brown corduroy couches, while Mom hosted her NOW meetings, or macramed.

J ulie of the Wolves - Another power-girl story...

Other decades have wonderful children's books as well, but the books we read when young hold a special place in your heart. And it's a joy to share these same books with our own kids.

Top 10 Urban Legends About Kids

asflutz — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:28:00 GMT

Urban legends are a lot less scary now, thanks to websites like Snopes, MythBusters, and Urban Legends & Superstition. It takes only a few seconds to find out whether forwarding emails will raise money for the Red Cross (it did, but not anymore), or whether kids ever died from falling on knives sticking out of open dishwasher doors (they have), or whether a serial killer ever lured female victims from their homes by playing a recording of a crying baby (nope).

But I'm sure many of us remember urban legends about kids that we found completely believable and utterly terrifying. Here are my top 10:

10. A drawbridge keeper had to choose between saving his young son or a train full of passengers.

False. OK, I'm guessing not too many people have ever found this Jesus parable - which has been circulating since the late 1960s - completely believable. In it, a man decides to let a train run over his son rather than derail the train and save his son by sacrificing all the passengers - just like God sacrificed his son to save mankind. Still, it gets credit for the gut-wrenching way it asks us to imagine the absolutely worst thing that could ever happen.

9. Parents late for a vacation left their baby in the crib knowing the babysitter was only a few minutes away; the baby starved to death when the sitter was in a car accident rushing over to the house and no one ever came to care for the baby.

False. I half-suspect this legend is responsible for the backlash against parents who leave their kids in the car for a few minutes while they pick up a prescription or drop off their dry-cleaning. Still, according to the website Urban Legends & Superstitions, this sad story is a complete hoax.

8. Webkinz are being murdered online.

False. I included this one because even in our enlightened, post-Snopes era, young kids are still vulnerable to the power of urban legends, and this was the first time I experienced that for myself. My first grader, Erika, reported that Webkinz were getting "their heads cut off" and refused to believe any arguments to the contrary, even when I assured her that I checked online for myself, and it just wasn't true.

7. Pokemon episode gave Japanese kids seizures.

True, but only a "handful." Although over 600 Japanese kids were reportedly rushed to the hospital with epileptic seizures induced from watching a particular 1997 Pokemon episode, only a few were actually diagnosed with photosensitive epilepsy. But even if you're one of those over-protective parents who think a few seizures from watching TV is a few seizures too many, Americans have nothing to worry about. According to Snopes, the offending scenes were removed from the episode, which anyway was never translated into English and will never air on American TV.

6. Saboteurs tamper with Halloween candy.

True, but rarely. Although I don't know a single parent who lets their kids eat the fruit or loose candy that inevitably finds its way into kids' loot bags every Halloween, the risk of actual tampering is very low. Snopes says there's never been a documented case of an actual razor blade being pushed into an apple, although several pins and needles have been found - most pranks perpetrated by friends or siblings of the victims. The worst injury reported was a few stitches.

5. Fake "tattoos" and stamps for kids are laced with LSD.

False. Although parents today are just as afraid as our parents were about kids falling under the prey of drug dealers, this famous tale from the 1970s has yet to be supplanted by a more modern version.

4. Drug dealers smuggle cocaine into the U.S. stuffed into the bodies of dead babies.

False. This gruesome story has been around for more than 20 years, and has been reported as fact in respected publications such as The Washington Post and The New Republic, but there is no record of this ever having occurred. Versions keep popping up with each shift in the war on drugs, with dead children allegedly being used to smuggle narcotics into the Middle East or over the Mexican-American border.

3. Kidnappers snatch young kids and disguise them to get past security.

False. No urban legend has ever gotten hold of my imagination like this one. According to Urban Legends and Superstitions, most versions of the tale take place in amusement parks or supermarkets, and they all involve a panicked parent who, desperately searching for his or her baby, happens to notice that the shoes on a sleeping child are the same shoes the missing child was wearing! It turns out that the clever kidnapper dyed the child's hair, changed the clothes, and drugged the child so s/he couldn't cry, but forgot to change the shoes.

As a teen, I just couldn't get over how fortunate it was that the mom noticed the shoes, and how narrowly disaster was averted. I vowed to always remember what shoes my kids were wearing, just in case.

2. Poor orphans are being adopted for use as organ donors.

False. This is a really new urban legend, dating to the beginning of this year. It spread so quickly because it was promoted by an actual website, medicaladoptions.com, which claims to offer thousands of orphans that can be adopted for "non-essential" organ transplants - complete with testimonials from satisfied customers. But the site is just a hoax, capitalizing on very modern fears about the current shortage of organ donors and the plight of children in some poverty-stricken areas of the world.

1. Mikey died from eating pop rocks and Coke.

False. This story defined the urban legend for most of us. We all heard it growing up, and we all believed it. But John Gilchrist, the actor who played Mikey in the ubiquitous Life commercials, is alive and well and working as an advertising-account manager for a radio station in New York. Too bad he can't collect a nickel for every time this legend was repeated, or he wouldn't have to work at all!

Babble Ethics: Let Your Kids Get Hurt

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Tue, 13 May 2008 17:28:00 GMT

I'm trying to make this a little less self-promotional than it will probably sound, sorry, but I've received a ridiculous number of heated emails from ~~crazy~~ concerned people about a series of pictures I took showing my 2-year-old daughter in the midst of a fall. It seemed like the perfect topic for another round of Babble Ethics, even if I come off like an unfeeling moron, which never, ever happens.

"Why didn't you stop taking photos and help her?!" screamed one person.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" barked another.

And I keep thinking, jeez, it was an 8-inch fall off a curb. Granted, the curb was a little high, but I knew she'd learn something from a little tumble. Not all curbs are the same. She has to watch her step. She has to be careful on her own. Her father is more interested in taking her picture than reaching out to her.

Seriously, just how protective is too protective? Should I have sprayed her in protective foam? Put out a few pillows?

This little scene began with me stepping away from her in a deserted alley to take a photo. She groped the wall for a few minutes and then decided she wanted to jump off the curb. She studied it, gauged it, prepared to jump. And I let her, knowing full well it was a higher curb than she usually encounters, and a goodly portion of me knew she may well take a tumble.

She did.

But then of course she got up, kicked the street with her toe, mumbled something about "mother fucking shoddy masonry work!" (or something like that) and climbed back up the curb to do it again.

Still, I'm left wondering: I can't be the only person who lets their kid try things out on her own, right? Or maybe I'm just the only moron taking pictures of it. I don't know. I do appreciate the concern but it also frightens me a little to think of what happens to kids who aren't allowed to make mistakes on their own. Or maybe I'm just being defensive. Sometimes I hate you, ethics.

Atlanta Baby Might Be a Superhero

Jen Chaney — Tue, 13 May 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Okay, at the very least, this kid is like Bruce Willis's character in "Unbreakable."

According to a story in the Atlanta Journal Constitution, one-year-old Damon Alridge recently fell 20 feet after slipping out the window of his parents' second-story apartment. The child's grandmother had been watching him when he pushed out a window screen and hurtled to the ground below, fortunately landing on grass instead of pavement. (I'm thinking Grandma is feeling way guilty right about now.)

The boy's father immediately took him to the hospital where, amazingly, he was in stable condition and -- here comes the "Unbreakable" part -- had no visible injuries. That's a huge relief for the Alridge family but also pretty astounding in general. Who can fall 20 feet and leave the scene without even a scratch? Not me. I think I just gave myself a bruise while typing this blog post. (A side note: Who is luckier, Damon or this baby who fell into the arms of a postal carrier? Discuss amongst yourselves.)

Anyway, there are a few morals to this story. First: Make sure all window screens are securely attached and, more importantly, that you keep littles ones away from open windows, balconies, etc. Second: If your child does fall, seek medical attention as soon as possible. And lastly: If your kid can survive physical trauma without getting hurt, contact Marvel Studios immediately. They may very well want to make your son or daughter the next comic-book-movie star.

5 Totally Unrealistic Birth Scenes

editors — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:37:00 GMT

None of us need a repeat of the crowning glory that was Knocked Up, but hopefully KU will inspire future filmmakers to at least make the birth scene less contrived, if not anatomically correct. Five that represent the extreme of the silver screen - April Peveteaux

1. Look Who’s Talking, 1989

Highlight of birth scene: weird plastic doll sees tracers after mom is dosed with pain meds. But somehow watching the whole thing in French makes it more palpable…

2. She’s Having a Baby, 1988

Apparently in 1988 breech babies were life-threatening and husbands were still getting kicked out of the delivery room.

3. Rosemary’s Baby, 1968

One would just think it might be much more painful spawning the son of Satan.

4. Freddy Got Fingered, 2001

Tom Green delivers a baby in thirty-eight seconds then bites off the umbilical cord. A lack of hilarity ensues.

5. Nine Months, 1995

In which we witness the "full moon" factor, video camera antics by husbands behaving badly and synchronized cervix dilation.

Having Kids Ruins Marriage

Cole Gamble — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Marriage, as many studies have shown, go a long way to increasing a person's happiness and longevity. Just as long as you don't have kids.

This recent study finds that people who have children experience a significant unhappiness in their marriage during the child rearing years.

Children actually do make couples happier—before they arrive. Pregnant or planning for pregnancy couples get an upswing in happiness, but that tanks once junior arrives on the scene. Married couples, should their unions survive the unholy process of childrearing, go back to being totally blissful once the kids leave the house.

When is happiness at it's lowest point? Right after childbirth and when the kids hit adolescence. Duh.

Some experts argue that it's not the actual act of having children that causes the unhappiness, but social factors that come with it. Says University of Nottingham's Richard Tunney, "... in countries like Britain having children is hard. Your finances are hit, childcare in this country is appalling and, for women especially, their careers suffer. That is not the fault of having children per se, but of society."

So how about it, parents? Is society ruining your marriage?

R. Kelly case jury selection begins; girl he filmed was his goddaughter

Brett Singer — Tue, 13 May 2008 15:20:00 GMT

R. Kelly might believe he can fly, but first he's going to have to convince a jury that he's innocent of child pornography charges. (See? I could write for TMZ.)

The songwriter and R&B star, known for classics such as "I Believe I Can Fly" and inexplicable train-wrecks like "Trapped in the Closet," (see below for videos) has been charged with "videotaping a girl 'whom he knew or reasonably should have known to be under the age of 18' in a variety of sex acts some time between January 1, 1998, and October 1, 2000."

Adding to intense sleazery of the case is that the "alleged victim, who is now 23, has been identified as Kelly's goddaughter." Doing the math, this means that the girl may have been as young as 13 in the first video.

Ewww!

Jury selection has begun at the Criminal Court in Chicago, and this piece in the Sun-Times describes how the choice of jurors is being handled. The reporters make a point to give the race of each potential juror, although in some cases that doesn't appear to be relevant." One (white) man said, "I have two little kids…Child pornography is about as low as it gets." Maybe I missed something, but (apologies to Michael Jackson) does it really matter if he's black or white? Another woman, identified as, "an African-American woman whose husband is a Baptist pastor," says that she lives in the same town as Kelly but hadn't heard anything about the case. Years ago, during the Rodney King trial, while lawyers were looking for people who hadn't heard anything about the case, Bill Maher said that this meant they were looking for people, "you wouldn't even talk to at a cocktail party." I don't care what race she is, how exactly did she manage to not hear anything about a case as sensational as this one?

The charges are all alleged, so let's not jump to conclusions. Well, let me put it this way – I don't think they'd pick me to serve on this particular jury.

Here's the thing: if memory serves, there's a videotape that shows R. having sex with the girl. They used to sell it on street corners all over Manhattan. So if you can I.D. him and her, what exactly is his defense? "She told me she was almost 18?" And if it's true that she is his goddaughter, should that factor into his punishment?

image: Chicago Sun-Times

Videos of Chapter 15 of "Trapped in the Closet" (not work-safe, lots of cussin'), and "I Believe I Can Fly" (which, as far as I know, does not contain any foul language at all.)

Chapter 15-Trapped in the Closet

I Believe I Can Fly

Best Books for Smart Readers

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Tue, 13 May 2008 15:04:00 GMT

All your children's books worn and tattered? Are you tired of reading the same tired yarn about the same stupid hippo having the same stupid party with all his same stupid hippo friends? (I'm looking at you, Sandra.)

The New York Times published its annual list of the best children's books, and there are some instant classics. From the search for the real John Henry to the best of pigeon literature (with a review by Lemony Snicket, too), you can find everything for younger or older kids. I'll read my kid anything that starts with, "In the beginning, there was Jack Johnson." Children's books on the best of the sweet science are hard to come by.

I always love reading a few good tips that don't involve, A. Sandra Boynton, and B. Sandra Boynton.

Baby Born in Beltway Traffic

Jen Chaney — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:03:00 GMT

A woman gave birth to a baby girl yesterday morning on the Beltway just outside of Washington, D.C. For the rest of her life, that kid will answer the question, "Where you were born?" with "On the exit ramp to New Hampshire Ave."

It was a terribly rainy day here in the Washington area and traveling was a challenge on virtually every major roadway. Consequently, the poor mom and dad were stuck in traffic on 495 and couldn't get to Holy Cross Hospital, where they had planned to deliver their child. Instead they had to pull off the highway and call 911, leading to an often confusing conversation between the parents-to-be and the 911 operator. (The last thing you want to say if you're an expectant father, or hear if you're taking a 911 call: "The baby's head is out! The baby's head is out!") You can hear most of that call here.

After delivering with help from a fire and rescue team, mother and baby eventually managed to get to Holy Cross Hospital in Silver Spring, Md., where they are reportedly recovering. Just goes to show that you can take all the birthing classes imaginable and still not be fully prepared for the type of delivery fate tosses your way. This little story also proves, once and for all, that people in D.C. really need to learn how to drive in the rain.

Photo Credit: Interstate-guide.com

American Idol Contestant's father banned from backstage

Brett Singer — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:00:00 GMT

I don't watch American Idol, but if they showed more stuff like this maybe I would.

According to the Associated Press, David Archuleta's father has been banned from the show after having David add lyrics from a Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls" to his son's rendition of "Stand by Me". By doing that, the show had to pay more money in royalties (because it's, like, two songs instead of one I guess.)

Archuleta's dad, Jeff, was warned not to do this, but did it anyway. I'm going to guess that he was being a pain in the butt in other ways as well, although I have no proof of this. USA Today says that Jeff had been "a strong presence behind the scenes," which is usually showbiz lingo for "really really annoying." Jeff Archuleta referred to himself in an US Weekly interview as a "music consultant" rather than a "stage dad." Like I said, no proof that he's difficult to deal with. Just a guess.

Idolator says that the ban guarantees victory for David. Sympathy vote and all that. On the other hand, if you look at other dads who get way too involved in their kids' careers (paging Joe Simpson), maybe the producers of the show did him a favor.

Here's the performance that got dad booted:

Hear that bit at the end? "Bee-yoo-tiful girls"? That was it. It really made the number for me. You too, right? Riiight.

Here's the interesting thing: David, one of the three finalists in the contest, is only 17. I don't know what the legalities of this sort of action are. Can American Idol tell someone who is under 18 that they have to navigate the waters of television on their own? Doesn't he have the right to have a legal guardian around him if he wants it? Some media outlets have suggested that Idol allow only those over 18 to compete; this would seem to support that argument.

image: MTV.com

Top Baby Names For 2007

asflutz — Tue, 13 May 2008 12:33:00 GMT

My maiden name was Fisher. Amy Fisher. As you can imagine, my quality of life took a serious tick downward once the Long Island Lolita shot Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the face, ruining the name for all good Amy Fishers everywhere.

The thing is, my mother claims she had no idea she was giving me one of the most popular girls' names of the 1970s. You'd think she would have noticed that half the little girls on the playground were named Amy (the other half being named Jennifer), but it's true she couldn't consult the internet to find out the most popular baby names according to the Social Security Administration, as all you expectant parents out there can do. So, if you have a common last name, these are the monikers you should avoid giving your new baby, lest he or she resent you for the rest of your life.

Emily was the most popular girls' name for the 12th year in a row; Jacob remained at the top of the boys' list for the ninth consecutive year.

The rest of the girls' list, in order: Isabella, Ava, Emma, Madison, Sophia, Olivia, Abigail, Hannah and Elizabeth.

For the boys, parents were more inclined to choose biblical names. In order, after Jacob: Michael, Ethan, Joshua, Daniel, Christopher, Anthony, William, Matthew and Andrew.

And remember, just because there's no one famous with the name you plan for your child right now, that can change. There's a little girl named Sarah Silverman in my daughter's preschool class, and I bet her parents find "I'm F**cking Matt Damon" just a little less funny than the rest of us.

When Muppets Go Bad; Kermit Hurt Himself

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:58:00 GMT

I saw Sad Kemit for the first time yesterday on DaddyTypes and thought it would be a great, funny parody of a great, not-so-funny NIN song. Alas, the lyrics won out and Sad Kermit ... well, was just plain sad. This muppet video is not suitable for the squeamish, or children -- unless of course those children are heroin addicts in need of an intervention video that really speaks to 4 year olds.

Mother and Kids Live With 90-Year-Old Corpse on Toilet

Cole Gamble — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Happy Post Mother's Day. Enough with the happy crap, let's get back to the weird, depraved and creepy.

A mother and her two children lived with the bloating corpse of a 90-year-old woman decaying on the toilet of their only bathroom for two months. It gets better. The mother left the corpse their because a religious “superior” told her it would come back to life...

Remember that story about the couple who let their diabetic daughter die because they prayed instead of seeking medical attention? Well, that was a pretty egregious case of neglect but I was willing to admit, the parents were at least doing what, in their very confused minds, was right. In this case, however, this is just straight up hyper-retarded.

The kids, 15 and 12 years of age, are now in foster care. When questioned by the police, the boy said he had plotted to run away from his mothers home. Smart kid, that one.

Of course, maybe the mom was just up for some madcap hyjinks, Weekend At Bernie's Style.

Photo: AP

Beyonce Baby Clothes: Joke, Right? Right?!

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:01:00 GMT

I'm definitely not one to get all pissy over children's clothing -- I mean, whatever they want to wear is fine by me. Lipstick? Absolutely. Some colors really make a bib pop. And really, what kid doesn't like red heel boots to compliment a tight jean jacket?

But don't these kids look a little young for these clothes that don't even look good on their parents? Please tell me this is a rumor.

(Photo: Perez Hilton)

Sesame Street Video: Movie edition

Brett Singer — Mon, 12 May 2008 20:00:00 GMT

It all began with Gwynne's fantastic article The Babble List: The 50 Best Sesame Street Moments, which inspired me to hit YouTube to find more classic Sesame clips.

First we had skits based on theater. Now, here are some equally brilliant movie parodies.

Sesame Street - Monsterpiece Theater: The Sound of Music

Notable for Cookie's unlit pipe, which was nixed after parents got upset.

Monsterpiece Theater - The 39 Stairs

Hitchcock, schmitchcock. I'll take Grover any day.

Monsterpiece Theatre - 12 Angry Men

Twelve men. All angry. Take it, Cookie.

Monsterpiece Theater - The 400 Blows

Not even Truffaut is safe.

Monsterpiece Theater - Gone With The Wind

Monsterpiece Theater: 1 Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Monsterpiece Theater: Chariots of Fur

Breaking News: Earthquake in China kills thousands, 900 children buried at a school

Brett Singer — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:15:00 GMT

CNN is reporting that close to 9,000 people have been killed by a 7.9 scale earthquake in China. One area, Beichuan County, has had 80 percent of its buildings destroyed.

To make it even worse, if that's possible, is that 50 bodies have been pulled from the rubble of a high school in Central China. 900 children were buried by the quake at that particular spot so the death toll is likely to rise.

President Bush released a statement expressing sympathy for the Chinese people, adding, "I am particularly saddened by the number of students and children affected by this tragedy."

The quake was so strong, it could be felt in Thailand, Taiwan, Vietnam and Pakistan.

CNN has a lot of coverage, including eyewitness accounts (sample: "The floor was moving underneath me") and video.

Truly horrible.

image: CNN.com

Family Class Travel? Sign. Me. Up.

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Would you pay extra to fly with other families on an airplane? There's first class, business, coach and now, hopefully, family class?

I just heard about it for the first time from Yahoo! Shine's ultra-~~hot~~ knowledgable editor, Charlene Prince Birkeland, who was on TV discussing some great summer travel tips for families.

The family section idea sounds like a cry room at church but still, at least the kids can all cry together and the parents probably wouldn't find travel so stressful -- because they know the only people their kid will annoy is the family with a kid right next door. I'm all for that. (Also, if your kid happens to be the quiet, polite rock star of the family travel section, you could totally look down your nose at the other parents. Then again ...)

Three kids that play guitar way better than you

Brett Singer — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Well, unless you're Slash or something. They definitely play better than me.

Not only that, they have pretty solid taste in music. The Beatles, Ozzy Osbourne, Santana -- no Miley or Jonas Brothers for these guys.

Flipping through YouTube, there appear to be dozens of kids who play incredibly well. Screw Guitar Hero, this is the real thing.

First up: this guy does an amplified acoustic rendition of "Come Together". It would be impressive enough if he just nailed the basic riff. But he plays the lead guitar part, the bass line, and even taps out the drum beat on the side of the guitar. Sheesh.

Here's the original, for comparison purposes.

This kid, Yuto Miyazawa, is even better. First, he looks younger. Second, his guitar is bigger than he is. Third, he sings as well as plays. Last -- but certainly not least -- the song is Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train." Ohhhh yes. Later in the clip he does "Crossroads," echoing Clapton's guitar solo perfectly. Then he closes with "Smoky Char", a tune I'm not familiar with but he seems to play it pretty damn well. Each is with a different band, and each time he's the frontman -- er, frontkid.

Back to acoustic for Lucciano Pizzichini, a 7 year old who treats us to a little Carlos Santana. Despite having major guitar chops, he's still a kid -- check out the Spongebob sticker on his axe.

image: youtube.com

Hybrid Cars Will Kill Your Kids

Cole Gamble — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:16:00 GMT

Now I don't want to to give any global warming deniers out there fuel for the fire, but it turns out there is a downside to hybrid cars: they are dangerous to children.

What insidious reason is there for children to fear the Toyota Prius?...

They are silent.

Eight-year-old Owen Erickson discovered this first hand while riding his bike, one of the ubiquitous Priuses “sneaked” up on him, and the boy ended up on the hood. Luckily he was not hurt, but Owen's mother blamed the accident on the car's quiet running engine.

This isn't the first time there has been complaints against the noiseless hybrids. In my mind, the greater chance of danger goes to cats and dogs who often love to nestle under cars until that engine turns over and sends them running.

It's an easily solved problem, though. Just equip every new Prius with a bass-heavy sound system and a Cyprus Hill cd. Or you could just install an air horn that never shuts off. Wouldn't that be fun?

Should TomKat Still Be Giving Suri a Bottle?

Jen Chaney — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:32:00 GMT

The gossip magazines provide plenty of reasons to question TomKat's parenting skills. But is it fair to go after Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes for continuing to give their two-year-old daughter, Suri, a bottle?

The adorable little girl has frequently been photographed hitting the town with Mommy and Daddy while toting around a babby bottle, even though she turned two last month. (No one has inquired yet as to whether she still uses a bottle all jacked up with BPA. An investigation into this crucial issue will undoubtedly be launched by Us Weekly.)

Most parents start the process of weaning the kid off the 'ol faux nipple sometime shortly after baby's first birthday. One orthodontist even tells the New York Daily News that feeding Suri milk or juice via a bottle at this age could be damaging her teeth, the last thing the Good Lord would want for the daughter of Capt. Smiley. So why hasn't the Cruise family kicked her of the habit?

It's unclear, although they were spotted over the weekend watching David Beckham play soccer, and Suri was notably bottle-less at the time. Still, here is the bigger question: Do we, the public at large, have a right to judge Tom and Katie for their bottle-serving habits? Does it make them bad parents?

It might, but I have to err on the side of we don't have a right to make the call, if only because it seems harshly judgmental to criticize their parenting skills when we are basing our information largely on photos and stories in not-always-reputable media outlets. Still, it definitely doesn't look good for Suri to have that bottle in her hand. And if Tom Cruise wants to continue bolstering his image as the Ultimate Movie Star Dad, then he would be smart to at least start slipping her a sippy cup.

It may be true that they are fostering a bad habit, which is clearly not wise. But they're not endangering her life by, say, driving around with her in their laps or something. Only someone with serious problems would do that.

Photo: Famecrawler

3-year-old boy has never slept

Brett Singer — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:00:00 GMT

I don't know what to make of this story. I do know that I'm unlikely to ever complain about Thing 2 waking up in the middle of the night.

A little boy in St. Petersburg, Florida hasn't slept in 3 years. Not "oh, he woke up last night at midnight." No sleep. At all. For 3 years.

And… he's 3 years old. So he's never slept a wink in his entire life. No naps, nothing. Mom and dad sleep in shifts, since someone has to be with him all the time.

His parents have been to numerous doctors and gotten a variety of answers. The current theory is that the boy suffers from a rare condition known as chiari malformation (source). Their best hope seems to be surgery that has a 50% chance of being effective.

I have to admit that I was a bit skeptical when I first read this. He doesn't even look tired! But it appears this sort of thing has happened before. Here's a story about a Vietnamese man who hasn't slept in 33 years and is healthy. Me, I'm tired when I get less than 8 hours. Since that almost never happens, I'm tired, like, all the time. I feel like a big wimp.

Anyway, I hope the surgery does the job. Poor kid.

image: Local6 News

Playdate Outcast or Just Rude Freaking Mammas?

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:29:00 GMT

A friend had something weird happen to him at the park the other day, and I was curious to see if this was par for the course mom-friend behavior or whether this was, say, a little rude.

Basically, he befriended a mom at a nearby park and after a few days was invited to join in an impromptu picnic, and then, at said lunch, the moms started planning a beach trip. My friend, who by then had thought he was one of the group, grew excited until he realized they were planning on going without him.

"I suppose it doesn’t occur to them that I am sitting right there, another at-home parent in the market for daytime activities. But remember the old rule not to invite people to something in the presence of people who aren’t invited? Well, they didn’t."

Tacky, rude or peachy keen?