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  • Time For Another "Over-Praising Kids" Piece (And My, You Do Look Lovely Today)

    kids praiseI'm losing count of how many times I've seen this story. Let me summarize in case you missed it. We praise our kids too much, which maybe makes them overconfident yet dependent on the praise reward instead of a sense of personal accomplishment and helpless in the face of difficulty. No one actually says how much praise is too much, just, you know, don't do it so much. And it turns out we might give the wrong kind of praise, and instead of saying "You are soooo smart Junior!" we should say, "You did a great job studying so hard for that spelling test." Follow? 

    Okay, here's my completely unscientific and slightly different take on the whole thing.

    Read More...


  • Balancing Praise: Let's Not Celebrate Mediocrity

    Emily Bazelton ponders how we praise our children wondering what kind of praise is valuable and what kind is unhelpful. Current opinion looks down on parents creating situations where even the most benign accomplishments, like 'graduating' from 5th grade, are lavishly praised as true accomplishments. A study of college students given a personality test for narcissism each year shows that today's students are 30% more narcissistic than the students of 1982. If these students were actually more self confident, this would be wonderful news but Bazelton says kids know that graduating from 5th grade isn't really all that difficult to do and so they eat up the praise but it's not making a generation of more confident adults.

    Bazelton argues the kind of praise we give our kids is the problem, not the quantity of it. She points out studies by Claude Steele and the New York magazine piece by Carol Dweck, "How Not To Talk To Your Kids."

    I agree with the piece that there's a balance between truly believing your child is a version of your best self and encouraging them to live up to that and on the other hand raising a child into an adult who believes showing up to work on time is worthy of praise from a boss. It's a tricky balance and that's why I'm cancelling that "You've Finished Third Grade Gala" I was planning for June.


  • Generation B(rat): Are We Raising Egomaniacs?

    Another recent study found college kids today are 30% more narcissistic than they were a mere 25 years ago.  Could it be possible that Gen X has met its match? Or is it the Boomers?  Arguably two of the most selfish generations are now paying the price for all those warm fuzzies and rah rahs.

    There has been a debate recently about how much praise is too much and it seems to come down to the amount and type of praise given.  Building competence is arguably more helpful than just confidence.  As most of us know, plenty of people are confident for no good reason.  Competence is the framework of underlying skills that back up all the puff and pather.

    The experts agree that keys to proper amounts of praise include giving accurate feedback, encouraging kids to try new things, and making sure they feel the proper consequences of their actions. In short, tell them they do a good job when they actually do one, not to prop them up and give them a false sense of superiority and specialness.  Mom-101 rightly points out that even the best laid plans, however, can be undermined by grandparent adulation. Somebody better stop this because, honestly, this country cannot take anymore narcissists.



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