Despite claims by Mattel that it couldn't possibly be true, a woman in San Jose, CA has completely lost her shit because her three-year-old daughter claims her Little Mermaid doll called her a "slut." No word yet on whether or not the girl is actually a slut.
Normally, the doll says, "Your sparkles are so beautiful," "Life is the bubbles" and "You're a wonderful friend." (And I think we can all agree that the term "Life is the bubbles", while exceptionally naive, is tantamount to saying "I smoke rocks and it gives me a distortedly positive outlook. Sometimes I give handjobs for crack or let winos rub their junk against my fin for five dollars. But I'm high almost all the time so I still think life is like a big Pop Tart. Text me!")
Mattel is adamant that this doll doesn't even know the word "slut." But a third party -- Stephanie Oppenheim, who publishes the independent toy guide Oppenheim Toy Portfolio -- told the San Jose Mercury News that she put Arial to the test. "After pushing the buttons on another Shimmering Lights Ariel doll ($24.99), she said she heard the naughty word but had to listen really closely to get an earful."
(Wait. "Slut" is a "naughty word" now? Not where I live. Find me a doll that calls kids a "shit-eating cockmaster" and then we'll talk.)
Mattel has asked the "shocked" mom to return the doll and has offered her a voucher for a toy of equal value. Perhaps she'll buy the Elmo doll that says "Go fuck yourself, brat!" and "I thought I told you to make me chicken pot pie, bitch?" in that familiar high pitch.
As for the child, this is a perfect learning opportunity. If I was her parent, I would sit her down, perhaps over a piece of cake, and tell her, "Listen, honey: don't listen to what that deep sea whore says. Who is she to be calling other people a slut?! That bitch better rekinyze before I put my foot her her ass."
"Mommy," the girl will say sheepishly, "I don't think mermaids have an ass."
And the mom will have no choice but to say, "Shut up, slut!"
