According to
this column in the
Washington Post, if you had a dysfunctional childhood, you are definitely not alone. In a study of middle-class couples in California, 75 percent said they had a very difficult childhood. Lots of those folks are still pissed about it, and wish they could have traded in their parents for a better set. The key to moving beyond the
messed-up upbringing, according to study author Cowan, is to say, "'They were doing the best they could. They didn't know any better..." Those who can forgive the 'rents are more successful in their current grown-up relationships.
So yeah, if your folks did a poor job, you can still move on and recover from the experience. But what does this mean for us as parents? I saw a couple take-aways in this. If you are freaking out about the longterm damage of whatever issue is currently up (preschool hitting, sleep training, pacifier dependency, whatevah) it's probably time to settle down and know everything will be okay. As I told myself more than once, "If the worst thing my kid has to report in therapy is that she slept in a crib, I am so stoked." There's trauma and there's trauma. Let's not confuse the two.
And if you somehow manage to do every single thing perfectly, your child will be in a tiny little minority of well-adjusted people. He or she may find it a lonely place. What's he going to complain about when the other people start in on the "my freaky mother" stories? How is she going to develop empathy if nothing bad ever happens to her? Besides, quirky, neurotic people with dark pasts are interesting. If we all turn out super-happy kids, it could spell the end of rock music as we know it. Too many well-adjusted people is a recipe for non-stop Bee Gees. I sure as hell don't want that on my head.
