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• Girls Poison Teacher to Hide Late Report

  Yikes, you can only wish this was an April Fool's gag. Two Washington sixth-graders hatched a plot to poison their teacher because one of the kids hadn't finished a school report. Instead of, I don't know, finishing it, the kids decided to smear the teacher's coffee cup with strawberry lip gloss. It doesn't sound bad, not hemlock bad anyway -- but considering the teacher is severely allergic to strawberries, the move could have sent her into shock and, possibly, killed her. The kids, knowing about the allergy, decided against real strawberries because they wanted the teacher to only get sick, not die. Thankfully, the girls did what any sixth-grader would do -- tell others. The other kids raced to tell the teacher, who had already taken one sip from the glass and began to breathe in heavy gasps. No lasting damage, however -- and the teacher finished class. So, on the one hand, you've got moron kids. But on the other, you've got little pint-sized heroes who were smart enough to squeal. Good for them. Posted Apr 02 2007, 06:14 PM by Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: news, school, are you insane?, girls

• Dad-To-Be Asks: Do I Need to Go to My Wife's Doctor Appointments?

  InsideBayArea.com brings us a couple of letters from two dads-to-be, both asking about their wives' doctors' appointments. Armin Brott (who, according to his website  is "America's Most Trusted Dad" - this prompted me to do some research and surveying, and I'm proud to say that I'm "America's 10,298,935th Most Trusted Dad", right behind "Red" from TV's "That 70's Show", but still ahead of Joe Simpson) provided some nice, pat answers to the inquiring future pops. What? You'd like to hear what I'd tell the first guy? Oh, all right... "Q: My pregnant wife has been bugging me to go to all her doctor's appointments. I want to be an involved dad but I can't see any real reason for me to go. Can't I just find out what I need to know by reading books?" A: Are you shitting me? Or did you fall through a temporal rift in 1955 that whisked you to a strange and frightening future, one where husbands are actually real partners to their spouses, and take an active interest in both their wife's and their child's health and well-being? Listen, the beauty of Pay-Per-View is that you can buy and watch Wrestlemania at any time, so you've now lost your biggest excuse to skip out on your wife's appointments. Sure, books are great - Will Smith can read a NASA instruction manual and pow! he's an astronaut; you can read The Expectant Father and pow! you're a dad! It's that easy! Do yourself, and your family - believe it or not, this fatherhood thing is actually not all about you - a favor and go to the appointments. While you're at the hospital, you can get your knuckles looked at. I'm sure they've got to be infected, what with them constantly scraping the ground when you walk.     Posted Mar 26 2007, 08:17 AM by JasonAvant with | with 13 comment(s) Filed under: doctor visits, dads, are you insane?, daddy, daddies full of fear, Armin Brott

• O.J. Simpson Says Anna Nicole's Baby Might Be His

  Deep breath. Ok. Type. Fox News reports that O.J. Simpson reportedly told an associate that he's "throwing his hat into the ring" in regards to the paternity battle over Anne Nicole Smith's baby. Pause. Throw up into nearby trashbin. Continue. According to documentary filmmaker Norm Pardo, Simpson apparently finds humor in the situation, jokingly saying that he hopes the baby isn't his, because Fred Goldman, father of the man O.J. murdered, Ron Goldman - oh, that's right, O.J. was innocent, my bad - would try to take her. Also competiting for the title, lest we forget, Anna's companion/attorney/Svengali Howard K. Stern, her ex-boyfriend Larry Birkman, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Smith's former trainer, and a player to be named later. Oh, and if you have the stomach to read the entire article, there's a sex tape. Of course there's a sex tape. Apologies for the brevity, but after writing about this I feel the need to bathe. Posted Mar 08 2007, 08:36 AM by JasonAvant with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: celebrity, Paternity Tests, are you insane?, celebrity moms, anna nicole smith, howard k. stern, zsa zsa gabor, paternity, O.J., O.J. Simpson

• Washington Mom Admits She Coached Kids to Fake Retardation

  A while back, Johnny Knoxville got together with the Farrelly Brothers and brought us the film The Ringer. Knoxville, in a Brando-esque display of Method Acting, feigns mental retardation in order to enter the Special Olympics as a "ringer" so that he can win a fixed bet and erase a huge debt. Of course, Knoxville learns a lesson in life and love, and develops a new found respect and affection for the mentally challenged. It's not the greatest movie ever made, definitely a 13 or 14 in one's Netflix queue, but even I - a cold-hearted bastard if ever there was one - got a bit verklempt. So here we have life imitating art, without the feel-good ending. In an attempt to fleece the system, Rosie Costello instructed her kids, starting at ages 4 and 8, to fake retardation so that she could collect Social Security benefits. They were busted when social workers viewed a tape of son Pete contesting a traffic ticket in a Vancouver courtroom. Pete now faces six months to a year in prison, and may have to pay up to $59,000 in restitution. Daughter Marie has not yet been located. To borrow a line from Indiana Jones, "try the local sewer." At first I felt bad for the kids, but apparently they kept the ruse going until they were in their 20's. Rosie is scheduled to be sentenced on May 17. My feel-good ending? Rosie behind bars, banging out license plates to pay back the $280,000 she stole. Posted Feb 28 2007, 08:58 AM by JasonAvant with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: criminal behavior, bad parenting, jackass, are you insane?, crime, criminals, bad parents, police, parents behaving badly, adult children, bad children, Johnny Knoxville

• Arkansas Court Rules That Non-Father Must Pay Child Support

  Anthony Parker is not a father. According to his lawyer, Anthony Parker has never claimed to be a father. Yet an Arkansas judge has decided that Anthony Parker must pay child support. I'll be honest with you, dear readers. It's about 9:00 and my wife and I just got back from a nice dinner, during which many glasses of wine were consumed. Yeah, I'm a little drunk. This article, it confuses me. Maybe it's the vino. So I gotta ask you - is that article fer reals? It's not an Onion piece? I didn't fall through some temporal rift and end up in the future, on April 1st? There wasn't some bizarre computer glitch that caused the Arkansas court system to reunite O.J.'s jury for another trial? (On the other hand - $24 bucks a week for child support? What the hell does this kid eat? Tic Tacs?) Apparently, Parker had ignored the state's Office of Child Support Enforcement's paternity complaint, filed in 2002; the state went after him after he failed to pay the initial judgment, and he further buggered himself by failing to appear in court. The state garnished his wages, and even though Parker ultimately proved, via a paternity test, that he was not the father the state's Supreme Court ruled that he still owes in excess of $4,000 in back child support. For a child that's not his. If that seems a little bass-ackwards, well, it's Arkansas. One of course wonders where the actual father is during all of this. Maybe it's my West Coast liberal mentality, but shouldn't he be the one to pay for child support? Parker's lawyer's have released a photo of the man, and though as an objective journalist I really shouldn't get involved, my conscience won't allow me to turn my back. Please notify Arkansas authorities immediately if you encounter this man. Posted Jan 12 2007, 10:00 AM by JasonAvant with | with 8 comment(s) Filed under: father, father's rights, child support, are you insane?, Arkansas, courts

• Divorce, British Royal Style

  Hey!  Remember Fergie and Prince Andrew?  No, not that Fergie.  This one.  The one who used to shill for Weight Watcher's.  Remember her?  Actually, I have nothing but respect for this woman. Why?  Because according to this she's still living "as a couple" with her divorced-since-1996 ex-husband, Prince Andrew. Speaking as someone who cannot stand to be even in the same room with the object of my appropriately-bitter on-going and acrimonious divorce, I have the highest regard for someone who can apparently maintain a civil relationship with an ex-spouse for over ten years and in the same freaking house!  That's what "staying together for the sake of the children" really means, I guess.  I would say it takes some very special people to do this successfully. A couple of questions, though: 1.  The article mentions that it's a bit awkward for their respective dates.  I'll bet.  "Oh by the way, I'm divorced but we're still living together?  Do you have a problem with that?" 2.  How big, exactly, is the house they share?  Being Royals, are we talking a castle with multiple wings?  Because that might be do-able.  In the right circumstance. 3.  And what I know you're all asking yourselves as well:  what about the sex?  Fergie, you go, girl!  Sounds like you're making it work.  Better you than me, though.  Posted Jan 07 2007, 10:00 AM by Karen Murphy with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: divorce, British Royals, are you insane?