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• One Step Ahead: Blog Down, People

  By now I think my fascination with One Step Ahead might be bordering on obsession. It's like my Gilmore Girls. I had a nice run where I laughed hysterically about the giggle bug, the naughty seat, the hands-free carrier, the helmet, and the tub bumper... And then came the cart cover. Many of y'all said the cart cover rocked hard. I am happy to eat crow*, cuz it's a good source of protein and I can save my carbs for cake, darling. But now I sense a sweet opportunity to mine the parent pool. Before I go off half-snarked I want to hear from you if these products are ridiculous or crucial. Feel free to weigh in on whatever and whichever side, because, you know the old expression, opinions are like... a part of the body I do believe in keeping quite clean and germ-free.     The Ear & Throat Illuminator (Otoscope). You know, like doctors use to check you out. Should these be in the hands of untrained parents eager to diagnose every ailment, given the perils of home medicine? Is it worth the $44.95? Or is it more like, "even I can tell when an ear canal is red and swollen, and I don't want to make a damn appointment every time I suspect something is up." The Inflate-a-Potty. Whoa now, a travel potty is no big thing, but one that has to be blown up is a little different. I think this one is not so much with the ultra-sterile, even with liners. It says it has an "inflating tube" but I'm unclear if you have to put your mouth on it to inflate, and if so, ugh. Even if there's no chance of contact with the potty contents, I already have the heebie jeebies. Also, I really, really don't want to carry a potty in my purse, I just don't. And I just know we'd pop that sucker in 30 seconds flat. But perhaps this is the toilet we've all been looking for. Do tell. (By the way, the names of these things just slay me. So far I've snorted out loud at the PiddlePad, a carseat liner for "big time blowouts, and potty training uh-ohs" and the Utterly Yours Breast Pillow. Because I needed more cow associations when I was nursing.) Now please share. *That helmet is still the lamest thing ever.   Posted Jun 07 2007, 11:31 AM by Kelly Mills with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: potty training, safety, health and kids, One Step Ahead

• One Step Ahead Fills Me With Joy

  Oh One Step Ahead catalog, how I love you. I cannot get enough of your ultra-sterile, extra-padded, money-sucking products. You truly have a way with the germphobes and the hyper-anxious among us. And just when I think, "Oh, they'll never come up with anything more ridiculous than that" you turn around and surprise me again. Thank you, OSA, thank you. My favorite today is this giant grocery cart cover that offers "360 degrees of germ-free protection." Because parents don't have enough crap to tote around, and they absolutely need to cover every possible surface with something squishy and sterile. And it doesn't look ridiculous at all. I have no doubt that a shopping cart is a dirty thing, but I'd think a little wipe-down would be preferable to encasing the cart seat in a giant polyester pad. Hey, shouldn't the kid in that picture be wearing special antimicrobial mittens and a space helmet? Negligent parents. Posted Jun 05 2007, 12:33 PM by Kelly Mills with | with 19 comment(s) Filed under: products, babies, One Step Ahead, childproofing, shopping cart

• More Whackadoo Stuff From One Step Ahead

  How much do I loooove the One Step Ahead catalog? Obviously, alot. Let's see what kind of "Baby's First Kevlar Vest" stuff they have for us today. When you want baby to be the albatross around your neck: Hey, those car seat carriers get heavy! So the folks at OSA, worried about our "aching wrists or forearms" came up with a car seat you can sling around your neck. Because mommy really needs a herniated disc. Now your hands are free to help pull you along the ground as you are reduced to stooping and slithering by the weight of your baby carrier.  When learning to crawl or walk feels tantamount to skydiving: Okay, this is a squishy helmet for kids to wear as they take navigate around tables and other highly dangerous objects. Call me crazy, but I don't think this exactly telegraphs confidence to the child. Besides, if you are so determined to ensure your child doesn't suffer brain trauma during those tentative first steps, why stop at a helmet? A full padded suit is really in order here. But I like how the helmet is covered with bright pictures of race cars. As if any parent interested in the headgear would let their child even think "race car". When every area of the house needs to simulate a padded cell: A giant inflatable bumper for the bathtub. That ought to be fun to blow up every bath night. Perhaps it's irresponsible to let your child use the big tub at all. Just bathe them in their infant tub until they turn 16 and run away from their sterile, foam-coated, primary-colored prison.   Posted May 21 2007, 08:11 AM by Kelly Mills with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: products, infant car seats, One Step Ahead, childproofing

• The Scary Naughty Seat. The Kind For Kids.

  Now that I've shared my fascination with One Step Ahead with y'all, it's time to bring on the next great invention from the glossy pages of that catalog for the most controlling parents. As Karen astutely pointed out, it gets to the point where you might as well wrap the kid in foam. And wouldn't that create the kind of choking hazard OSA would anticipate? Behold the Naughty Seat. Ready to instill that special "Big Brother is watching you" kind of paranoia that leads to a lifetime of scanning the skies for black helicopters and holing up in a remote compound with a small arsenal and a police scanner? Put your child in time-out here, and then walk away casually. Because if your little spawn tries to get up from the naughty seat, a weight sensor will set off an alarm and alert you. The accompanying photo shows junior throwing up his hands in surprise as he is outsmarted by this ingenious cushion. Believe me, he's crying on the inside. As the site promises, the Naughty Seat "ensures time out is taken seriously". Very seriously. While I assume the Naught Seat makes some kind of beep or siren sound, it really sends a message. Something like, "Mommy/Daddy know what you are doing every second of the day. You can't put one over on Mommy/Daddy, because we see all and know all. We can read your thoughts. We are in your most pleasant dreams and your worst nightmares. You cannot run away from us, nor can you hide. You may as well accept it, angel. You are ours for life. Mwah ha ha!" Now surround off-limits items like cookies with laser sensors and put a stun collar on your precious darling, and you can spend the afternoon reading magazines or blogs, relaxing in the knowledge that your child will be too terrified to take one step out of line. Posted May 03 2007, 04:41 PM by Kelly Mills with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: toddler, products, time out, child safety, safety, naughty seat, One Step Ahead